Does wife want back or am I messed??

[70K20]

My wife left us last August,(I have my son 18 and daughter 13).we had been married for 20 yrs,but have been separated 3 times over those years.Infidelity back in 94 was the first,mid life crisis for me and she couldn't take it on the second and unhappy on the third.She says she can't go back "to that"..can someone fill me in on what "that is"..and with a multi separated past does the future look grim for reconciling.She was in a no contact state whilst dating another,and now that seems to have fallen through,she is suddenly changing her attitude..she stays longer when visiting and is being being touchy feely..hugs and stuff..what do I make of this??

[sherell]

It seems like she still cares about you, if she is being affectionate, etc.. However, it could be just lonelyness, and needing some love right now. You say you have had 3 seperations, what have you done to try to work on your issues? have you been in counseling? Things do not get better until you make a conscience effort to work on whats been wrong in your marriage. You say there has been infidelity, how has that been addressed, Thats a major trust issue right there. Need to hear more details.

[70K20]

Thank you Sherrel!..as far as answer your questions we only did a bit of counselling after the last separation.Our counsellor ended up retiring,this counselling was for the affair and we thought we had it licked when we moved back together.But it was still an underlying issue,and no we never eally dealt with the issues.Near the end we would argue because I felt we needed to change what was happening in our marriage b4 we had another break-up.I've had counseeling on my own for about 4-5 right after and that was it.It was for my issues only,but she was not willing to attend,..not for the benefit of the marriage,only if it would help me.Trust thats the big,thats the main reason she attends to leaving,and I can see that,after infidelity trust is gone,but although it was many years ago,how does one try and rebuild the trust now that i didn't know she lost?I made the effort only in letting her see how I've changed on her own,no beating of the chest of how I've changed..my kids give her all the info about how things are so much better now than before but she still appears not to trust?

[sherell]

infidelity is a tough one, I think if you try to work through it, you can move on, but somehow it never quite leaves you. And when other problems arise, that old issue seems to rear its ugly head again. I think you need to take her out on a date (if she's willing) and really try to communicate with her, tell her what you are feeling and thinking, make her feel safe so that she can open her heart to you. Tell her you really want to try to make this work for good this time, and try counselling again. Rebuilding is possible if two people really want it. Take it from there and see how it goes. good luck & keep us posted. u can send me a pm if you want

[70K20]

thx again Sherell .. Ask her out on a date?but by reading some of the other posts,it seems that pursuit is the last thing you want to do.And if I do it,how do I do it,short and sweet and to the point then wait for the call?pursuit creates pressure and pressure is bad..but i guess it beats dealing with messy signals.Her vehicle needs work,she knows I can prolly repair it.Her mother is going through a health crisis right now,and I wonder if either one of these is creating the clingy mind set.

[sherell]

Do you really love this women and want her back in your life? If the answer is yes, why would you sit back and be totally confused by her mixed signals? Take the bull by the horns man, and tell her you want to talk to her and spend some time alone together. Pursuit is hard, but most women want to be pursued, it makes them feel loved, wanted & desired. I would be so happy if my wishy-washy husband would pursue me.