ockey53 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I (a male) have the most awesome best friend ever (a female). I have never been this close to anyone before. I've known her for 4 years now (currently still in college). I even lived with her and one of her friends last year cause we didn't get housing on campus... I'm 21, she's 20. When I initially met her 4 years ago, she was dating someone... and broke up with him (2 years later)....and she was single for about a month and then got another bf, and broke up with him (after 1 year), she was single for about 6 months, and she just found another guy and they've been going out for 2 weeks now. Here's the catch.... this guy is EXACTLY like me!!!!!!! Personality, he is me... that's why she likes this guy so much (she told me). But this guy is leaving for home in a month and there is no chance that they'll still be going out cause he's moving 2000 miles away. And she has told me on occassion that she would be completely content with having me as a bf but..... since we met as friends, that's all we can be. I have slept in the same bed as her on a couple occassions (no sex, just sleeping), I massage her every chance I get (feet, back, stomach, legs... even now), I've went to the bahamas with her in Jan. 2004, I'm her photographer (well, one of them... she's a model) so I get to see her in lingerie and bikinis all the time, I go out to eat (and pay for her) all the time, I have bought her lingerie (on many occassions), I buy her "just because" presents, she loves flowers so I get her flowers as often as I can, we also just hang out and watch movies at home and make food, we do errands together, it's amazing!! My question is.... is there any chance for me to be her bf? I have talked to her about this once or twice and she doesn't want to because she has tried dating her friend before and he broke up with her (yea... 3 years later for some stupid ass guy reason...) and doesn't want anything to happen to our current relationship if something negative was to happen. Should I show her all the positives and just go for it?? I really believe that we would be perfect together and (thinking wishfully) maybe even marriage in the long run.... what do you guys/gals think? Please help me!! -hopeless romantic- Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 since we met as friends, that's all we can be That's foolish thinking. Friendship can grow to love and often does. However, if she is absolutely convinced that friends can't be lovers, there's not much you can do to persuade her. It's not often possible to dislodge ideas from people's heads, no matter how illogical they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 24, 2004 Author Share Posted May 24, 2004 Actually I just read that 73% of married couples married a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Paradise Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Long time friends are the best candidates for lovers. I don't know of any reason why you should hesitate to go out and put her in her place in bed. I say 'go for it'. You'll be glad you did, just make sure you have her consent before 'put it inside'. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonathon2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Hi there, it sounds like to me that you are just too available for your friend....basically, she knows that she has you for the taking and lacks some sort of romantic respect for you. But you being a friend to her is 90% of the battle to win her love for you.........friends really can be lovers. Does she perceive you as being a yes man.........too anxious to please them, its too hard to romantically love somebody like that, avoid the mistake of appearing too anxious to please. Make yourself purposely unavailable to her a times even if she has gotten into the lifelong habit of taking you for granted ,always maintain a degree of your independence. if she knows knows that she has you for the asking, it kills their passionate desire. People want what they can't have. Therefore, you have to hold back from giving yourself completely to her. Once you realize what you've been doing wrong (like being "too available") it's the easiest thing in the world to correct. Even being just 10% less available than you have been in the past will begin to make an impression on her, you should try it...you have nothing to lose here.........love has to be cultivated and this takes time Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Originally posted by Jonathon2004 Hi there, it sounds like to me that you are just too available for your friend....basically, she knows that she has you for the taking and lacks some sort of romantic respect for you. But you being a friend to her is 90% of the battle to win her love for you.........friends really can be lovers. Does she perceive you as being a yes man.........too anxious to please them, its too hard to romantically love somebody like that, avoid the mistake of appearing too anxious to please. Make yourself purposely unavailable to her a times even if she has gotten into the lifelong habit of taking you for granted ,always maintain a degree of your independence. if she knows knows that she has you for the asking, it kills their passionate desire. People want what they can't have. Therefore, you have to hold back from giving yourself completely to her. Once you realize what you've been doing wrong (like being "too available") it's the easiest thing in the world to correct. Even being just 10% less available than you have been in the past will begin to make an impression on her, you should try it...you have nothing to lose here.........love has to be cultivated and this takes time I've tried this before... and we grew further apart. I didn't like it, she didn't like it. It's not my personality either. I'm that hopeless romantic and she loves it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 What I would like to see to encourage me to do it, is someone that has gone thru a friends ---> lovers "conversion" successfully, married would be even better. Anyone here?? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Yeah. Me. I did it and it was not a bad marriage. We're divorced, but for extremely good reasons that had nothing to do with how we got along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Yeah. Me. I did it and it was not a bad marriage. We're divorced, but for extremely good reasons that had nothing to do with how we got along. Do you mind telling me a little about you met? Anything like my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I met him in a club. We were friends while we went out with other people. There was a point when we weren't dating others that he stayed at my mom's place between leaving residence and a trip we were taking. I stayed there, too. We had a great time together doing stuff like laundry. Somewhere during that week, though we were still friends, he said 'I predict that in five years we'll be married'. We continued to be good friends through university - and went out with others. We ended up sharing a big apartment - for various reasons, housing was in short supply then. About a year later, we quit being friends. He asked me to marry him a year lafter that. Five years after he said that in five years we'd be married, we were married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Yeah, I actually lived with this girl for a year (June '03-May '04) and then moved back on campus for money reasons... I have never been closer to her than when we lived together. I had a room across the hall from her. She used to yell my name every 15 minutes from her room and I'd come over just to talk about nothing. Funny you're talking about laundry, we do laundry together now, even though we live in different places. By together I mean at the same time, not mixing clothes. Some people are saying back off and wait until she comes to you... did you do that at all, or you were yourself throughout? Did you also have doubts about sacrificing the friendship you had if things didn't work out as lovers? If so, you being the lady, what made you turn around? Thanks for helping out. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Some people are saying back off and wait until she comes to you... did you do that at all, or you were yourself throughout? I don't play games. There was a time when he wasn't sure and I didn't press or try to force him. There is no value to me at all in someone not giving himself freely and I absolutely will not try to manipulate someone. Did you also have doubts about sacrificing the friendship you had if things didn't work out as lovers? Not in that situation. I have had in others. If so, you being the lady, what made you turn around? Well, that's a thorny one. The danger is exactly that you might not succeed as lovers. The only cure for that is to take however much time it requires for you both to be absolutely certain that you want more. BTW, on the subject of laundry, I remember distinctly realizing that I was enjoying myself in his company even though we were only doing laundry and saying to myself that this would be the ideal sort of relationship to have with a spouse - one in which each other's company was enjoyable no matter what the activity. Link to post Share on other sites
Vpap1 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I have had similar situations such as you. I can feel where your are coming from. In fact I stil wonder why it never worked. As much as I hate to say it, I should have never done it myself. I have lost all of my friends at that time due to our break of friendship. I was left with myself and only 1 good friend remaining. The next few years were quite confusing and depressing. Now, love is hard to find and it makes perfect sence to look to that special friend for it. But the only way it will work is if you both are looking in each other for love. And are looking for the same qualities otherwise it will not work. You cannot make someone love you. I learned the hard way, and lost a whole groups of friends at it. Hang in there, love can only be found where it is seeked and sought for you. In turn it will be accepted. Things will come your way. They always do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme If so, you being the lady, what made you turn around? Well, that's a thorny one. The danger is exactly that you might not succeed as lovers. The only cure for that is to take however much time it requires for you both to be absolutely certain that you want more. This is what she is using as an excuse not to do it. Well, now she has a better reason (she has a bf). But that was the excuse before. I also believe that I like her more than she likes me, but she does infact like me. I just hope that she likes me enough to do this. All this info is helping. It is making a little more confident in trying it. Thanks guys and gals. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted May 25, 2004 Moderators Share Posted May 25, 2004 love can only be found where it is seeked and sought for you. In turn it will be accepted. Please clarify this most interesting, wonderous statement. Is the word by seeked supposed to be "is," or were you meaning to type something else/something different there. Please clarify. I think I've found another favorite in this wonderful idea. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Make your move man, don't let too much more time a lapse or she might find another you that is not you. Link to post Share on other sites
dmaestro3 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Well I have a few thoughts/questions: What is the "excuse" during the point when no boyfriend-- How much time do you spend with her, what percentage of your time? about the friendship--do both of you have other good friend bases, she has "the girls" and you have "the guys"--I think this is important. It seems like you seem pretty compatible spending time with one another, especially long amounts, I found out that its important for both people in a relationship to maintain their own time and be able to persue their own passions personal goals that might be different ( for example my dad loves to play music on weekends and spends a lot of time doing that), my gf likes to be with me almost constantly and its a hard battle for me but things have gotten much better since the start of the relationship (1.5 years ago) also what is her current situation, does she complain about her bf, etc, does her bf know about you, wonder why she spends tiem with you? and most importantly as you probably already know or have been told and sometimes it is hard especially if you're unsure how the other person feels but to reveal feelings or at least discuss them...communication is key... which i realize is what you're trying to figure out the best approach to this so that is good, maybe brining the topic up again, not sure what her view on it is--did you mention antyhing about this guy going away or has that not been brought up yet---- and yeah back to the first question why didn't you capitalize when she was single, what were the reasons? cliffnotes: sorry theres a lot there, not too organized, basically just showing you what i learned that is important about relationships in the first part (and may chage as a result of this), and the second part is 4 years seems like a long time, seems like opportunities to openly discuss feelings move in have existed--why haven't they been utilized. Link to post Share on other sites
rui Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I have a similar story. I dated this girl in HS. We were friends since the 6th grade. Let's call her jess. We did that cute holding hands thing in 6th grade, but were friends for the whole time until 10th grade then we started dating. This is how it went down. I started dating this other girl my freshman year (Amy). She and I dated till late in the year. Jess helped me through the break up. One thing led to another and jess and I (friends for 4 years) started having feelings for eachother. Now amy and jess were both in the same "group" of friends so we, jess and I, decided not to start dating for a while. Amy found out that jess and I were "talking" and she wasnt very happy about it to say the least. So jess and I layed even lower (even stopped doing regular friend stuff) until the whole thing with amy blew over. Because of our distance we both became content with just being friends like we had been for 4 years. Basically jess was a rebound that went... well... bad. By bad I mean it just didnt work out. So we were friends for a while, dated other people. Then I went on a trip to disney, and invited her along. Just friends remember. Then at disney one thing led to another and we started going out. It wasnt really a fluke either because we dated for a year. Now I know you are worried about what might happen to your friendship so I will post later about what happened with us. I dont have the time to post it now sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ockey53 Posted May 26, 2004 Author Share Posted May 26, 2004 any other good experiences? any really bad experiences that I should stray from doing? I'm having a tough time understanding the barrier between friends and lovers (that I'm gonna call the "friends barrier"). Any stories about jumping over the friends barrier? Link to post Share on other sites
wilby31 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 im definitely for it, as long as both individuals understand that you cant suddenly expect more from the other person you are best friends because you appreciate each other for who they are but its tough if she is really against it because you dont want to force it on her ....because then it definitely wont work you should definitely tell her how you feel but say it perfectly. slow and clear. and show her all the pros and cons and justify it Link to post Share on other sites
sloth Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 i think the best advice so far has been distancing yourself a little bit. ive seen this situation before and the guy just got completely walked over. it sucks to do, but it should be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Mk Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I think friendships can easily turn into more but caution must be taken because it can go South and then the friendship will be gone. As long as there is clear communication you should be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
winterwonderland Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 You wrote: Actually I just read that 73% of married couples married a friend. Maybe that is why there is a 50% divorce rate in America Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 You wrote: Actually I just read that 73% of married couples married a friend. Maybe that is why there is a 50% divorce rate in America There is plenty of reasearch on the causes of divorce. People who don't treat each other like best friends are the ones who divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
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