Advice needed regarding "guy friends"?

[mach3]

Need some advice. Long story short, my ex and I together 2 years, she broke it off a few months ago. We've been talking and seeing one another recently. One of our major problems was her flirtatiousness and contact with other men. She claims they are just friends but they go out after work and such. She also stays in touch with an Ex.

 

I was heartbroken when she left, but time has helped me put things in perspective (we were living together). And I've told her - I'm tired of the contact with the Ex and the hanging around with other guys. Am I wrong here - but she is beautiful, and I know these guys she hangs around with surely aren't there for the conversation. I trust my Ex - because I know she is just a flirt. But are there deeper (psychological) problems here - why does she need this attention? I treat her very well and sometime think I don't deserve this. I am not a psycho jealous freak, I know she works with other guys and they are all over her work environment (works in a bar/restaurant). I know guys hit on her all the time. But when they are calling her - that pisses me off.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago she told me her Ex stopped over unexpectedly. I said quite calmly, I'm tied of this and finished. She apologized and explained it was an unexpected visit. Fine - things were going better. Her mother from out of town is in. I was actually entertaining her mom while she worked last night and her cell phone was at the house. Well it rang a few times and finally it was my GF. Her mom picks up the phone and I hear her say "Don't let [me] hear, but go through her phone and get a phone number" to her mom. She was on her way home, but I told her mom I was tired and left.

 

Tonight, after not returning any calls, I told her that I was tired of this. She had always been like this and wasn't going to change. She accuses me of being immature and such, saying they are just friends. Nonetheless it wasn't a good call and I don't plan on calling her anytime soon.

 

Now my question is - am I being paranoid jealous here? Or am I fair to say she shouldn't be calling/running-around-with other guys? BTW - we are 25 and were very serious. I have not been in a lot of serious relationships, so if other people I was seeing were doing this, it probably didn't register with me. Your thoughts? Thanks.

[pocoestrella]

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Mach,

 

Well I think the first thing to remember here is she's with YOU...

 

While I can understand you don't want guys calling her with the idea of dating her and for real who would blame you there... you also need to trust your girlfriend unless she's given you reason not too... and being friends with guys as far as i'm concerned isn't a reason to not trust.

 

My boyfriend has huge issues with this himself... and I haven't given him reason... I am not disrespectful to him, I don't try to hide anything from him and it does annoy me that he sometimes seems to be mad at me when he feels guys (even the ones I don't know) are hitting on me...

 

So i'm just saying this... you have a beautiful girlfriend right... she sounds like she loves you and it doesn't sound as if (from what you've said) she has been trying to hide things... the thing with her mom telling her to make sure you didn't hear was probably because she knew you were going to make an issue of it... so trust her unless or until she gives you reason not too... being to possesive or insecure will drive her away eventually.

 

Good Luck

[mach3]

I could be wrong here, but I don't think I'm being jealous. If, when we were together, a girl would ask for my phone number or to go out, say for drinks, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't be surprised if my Ex would. Not because she is "looking for something better", but because she has a problem disappointing men and wants them to like her. I could never say this to her, but I think it stems from not knowing her real father and craving male attention, of any kind.

 

I'll give you an example, there was a guy who asked her for drinks. I happen to know him through an organization we belong to, he's a nice guy - but short, chubby and balding. I'm not threatened by this guy in any way, but it's annoying - #1 why would he think my ex would want to go out with him and #2 why would she go?

 

Well I know the answer to #1 - she's flirty as all get out. #2 ???

 

I am putting this here because I am seriously tired of it. At one point, I would have done anything to get her back and still love her very much, but I am sick of this and think it will continue to happen...

 

Thanks.

[average guy]

Something you said about your gf not knowing her father closely hit a chord with me. My first ture love's father died when she was a young teen and she had exactly the behaviour you are talking about! I'm not sure she would go out with "short, chubby and balding" guys, but she did crave and thrive off of any attention from men. Unfortunately she did act upon it and had sex with most of them

 

I empathise with you, and all I can say is that you need to decide if you want to live with someone who is always going to be like that. Maybe couples counseling will help

 

Good luck

[dudesomewhere]

I'd only be NOT jealous if she had guy friends like me. So too bad you don't know me...and of course too bad she doesn't know me

 

I don't flirt with females who are attached...sure you can hang out but why is there flirting? I don't think so. I get offended by women who flirt with me and I know they have a bf or what have you. As a respecting guy I respect the space that I would give to the bf/gf...If I don't respect some guy or his gf or their relationship, sure I'll put myself in their path all the time.

 

I have an ex who I try to maintain contact with but make sure I give plenty of space and never impose...why? Because I respect her and I respect guys she's dating in general so as not to crowd in on the time they would have with her. Of course if I was some jackass I'd try to hang out with her all the time, flirt and impose. So you have to worry about those jackasses, and if she likes hanging out with jackasses, which it seems like, then I'd be jealous. But I'm only saying that for your sake, I tend to just end things whenever that's the case...so I don't ever really feel jealous, hehe. I'm cooky.

[pocoestrella]

Originally posted by mach3

I could be wrong here, but I don't think I'm being jealous. If, when we were together, a girl would ask for my phone number or to go out, say for drinks, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't be surprised if my Ex would. Not because she is "looking for something better", but because she has a problem disappointing men and wants them to like her. I could never say this to her, but I think it stems from not knowing her real father and craving male attention, of any kind.

 

I'll give you an example, there was a guy who asked her for drinks. I happen to know him through an organization we belong to, he's a nice guy - but short, chubby and balding. I'm not threatened by this guy in any way, but it's annoying - #1 why would he think my ex would want to go out with him and #2 why would she go?

 

Well I know the answer to #1 - she's flirty as all get out. #2 ???

 

I am putting this here because I am seriously tired of it. At one point, I would have done anything to get her back and still love her very much, but I am sick of this and think it will continue to happen...

 

Thanks.

 

Mach,

 

I understand that you are angry about this... I really do.

 

You could be right that your girlfriend is always looking for approval... but I have a feeling (I could be wrong here) that she seeks approval not just from guys but from everyone... she doesn't want for anyone to not like her and that very well could stem from her childhood and not knowing her biological father and not wanting to disappoint her mom.

 

In the scenario you gave you wonder why would your girlfriend want to go with a guy for drinks who isn't attractive, what would she see in him... Mach I really don't think that it's her seeing something in him, I think it's she has a hard time saying no to someone out of worry or fear that they won't like her or that she would dissapoint someone...

 

Only you know for sure what you can live with... however I still believe she loves YOU and chooses YOU... and I also believe that with enough time, trust and investment in this things will be fine... again though only you know what is the right thing for you.

 

I wish you the best no matter what decision you make.

[mach3]

Poco

 

You hit the nail on the head. I probably trend towards just picking up the guy vibes, but it extends to women as well. I can't tell you how many times I've heard her say "Why doesn't he/she like me?" - while I'm thinking, who gives a crap if they like you or not. It's also one of the reasons we have gone round and round regarding an Ex - she wants them to stay friends. Which would be fine, she has another Ex who seems to be a decent guy, but this particular one is frigging crazy - it just won't work. She seems to refuse to accept that. I also notice that she seems to crave attention, particularly male. She wants approval/acceptance from everyone, with guys this tends to be sexual/flirty. Again - let me reiterate, she is not sleeping around or cheating on me - I have no doubts about that. And if I questioned her on it, say "who did you go out with after work", she would mention whatever guys were there. I have a feeling though, that if I did something similar - she would flip out.

 

When I add these things up, it's very difficult to decide what to do. Believe me, I love this girl. But I wonder what kind of life I'd be in for. Will I always be worrying? I would love to discuss these things with her, but she would accuse me of analyzing her. In some ways, the whole thing is so cliched, but it's very true to the stereotypes we all hear of kids coming from single parents. Is there anyway I could get her help/treatment for some of this behaviour? I've suggested couples counseling before, but she kind of blows it off. We don't have any major problems, it was my hope that once we got in there, a Doctor would discuss some of this with her privately.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice - everyone.