I'm married, and I want to stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend.

[rachelcarney]

I was dating a guy (let's call him Jason) for five years and then we broke up. A few months later I got married to a guy (let's call him Shane) who I love very much and soon we will be celebrating our 5th anniversary. Jason was really upset that I got married so soon (and to someone else), and two years later, he got married. So they've been married almost three years. We haven't had any contact in these five years, not even email.

 

The problem is, even though I haven't talked to him, I still think about him all the time. It feels like a brick in my stomach that he's married to someone else. I know I have no right to feel that way since I got married first, but I feel it anyway.

I think I'm still in love with him. I know that doesn't make any sense, since he's not the same person I knew then, I don't even know what kind of person he is now. What I want to do is fly out to his town and talk to him and kiss him and sleep with him one more time to see if it's still real. I know I shouldn't do that, and I won't do that. I don't want to break up his marriage; I want him to be happy. But I feel like I can't go on this way for the rest of my life.

 

How do I move on? Five years of having no contact with the guy didn't work, I don't want to still feel like this in 50 years time. I've talked to my husband about this, he's a really open and understanding guy, and he doesn't mind if I contact him. But how do I contact Jason and tell him that what I need is for either: 1) him to make me not be in love with him anymore, or 2) let me know who he is now and if I love the person he is now? And how do I do it without messing up his marriage and his life?

 

What do I do? Or not do?

 

Nothing is not an option, that's what I've done for five years, and I can't do it anymore.

[supermom]

Wow, that sounds like you are going through a lot of emotional turmoil.

 

So your husband knows everything, is he okay with the event that you are in love with your ex, what is he going to do? Have you talked about this?

 

You got married right after a 5 year relationship? Was your husband the rebound guy? And if yes, what made you marry him?

 

Remember, your husband is being more than supportive IMHO, and he sounds like he is repecting you, so whatever you do, the most respectful way to do it is the best way.

[rachelcarney]

I got married to "Shane" after knowing him about a month. Everyone was shocked, and I guess you could call it a "rebound" but I really don't think of it that way, especially since we have been together so long now, and still love each other.

 

Yes, Shane is understanding and respectful, and as I said, I don't want to mess up either of our marriages. One of the reasons that Shane is understanding is that he feels confident in our marriage, and he feels secure knowing that I can be honest with him. So that's not a problem, I love my husband, I wouldn't contact Jason until Shane said it was okay. I'm trying my best to be a grown-up about this, and a grown-up is someone who controls their actions even when they can't control their feelings.

 

I just need some way to forget about Jason, or to somehow make myself realize that Jason now is not the same person that I was in love with then. Those are the two things I would like to see happen. But as I said, I've tried to do those things for so long now, it just hasn't worked.

 

The third thing that could happen (and the one that feels most likely now, since I haven't been able to forget Jason), is that I could find out that I am actually still in love with Jason. I don't know what that would do, because he's almost certainly not still in love with me (who would be after so long?) and even if he were, he's MARRIED, and so am I. So finding out I still love him wouldn't accomplish much, but maybe then I could put it behind me? Because I sure can't put it behind me as it is.