so devastated

[SMF]

My ex b/f and I dated for 1 year (he was 29 and I was 26)... we had a healthy, balanced relationship and we spoke about the future frequently. Usually he brought it up and he made me feel very secure that he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. We spoke about marriage, engagement, living together, what our children would be like, etc...

 

He never told me he loved me. I thought it was odd that a person who spoke so much about the future wasn't "in love" with me. I never told him and I never made a big deal of it.

 

Then out of the blue he said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore and he is not ready and he feels like we are on 2 different pages. I asked him why he spoke so much about the future and he said that he "got caught up". His feelings "were not there anymore"

 

I am totally devastated and don't know if this is a blessing in disguise or he just needs time.

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago and spoke 1 time. I made a few attempst to contact him as this took me all by surprise but I have handled myself in a mature ladylike manner. If anything he has been rude, inconsiderate and has ignored my calls to him.

[trouble]

Sometimes it is easier to want the relationship to work so we don't have to go through the pain of breaking up. However, if your bf has told you that he doesn't have feelings anymore and hasn't elaborated as to why- it is likely that he didn't really have them to begin with. I am not trying to be hurtful but it is unlikely that he just woke up one day and stopped caring. He may have just played along with the marriage talk because it seemed like the right thing to do and never seriously thought about it. If he is being rude and mean to you and this break up was his idea then I would say leave him alone.

 

When a relationship ends because of major problems or one person cheated it is natural for the other person to maybe respond in a negative way to contact. However, in your situation it seems as if he just decided he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Don't beat yourself up. You deserve better.

 

As for the not saying "I love you." I don't really understand why this seems to be a common problem on this site. That should have been a sign in the beginning. It seems to me if people cannot express their love in a simple phrase they may have committment issues.

 

It hurts now, believe me I am there but at least you didn't marry him and have to go through a painful divorce.

Hang in there. One day you will have closure.

[SMF]

Thank you for taking the time to write.

 

Yes, not saying I love you is a red flag.

 

I am in utter shock that the breakup occured, with no warning. I feel like I didn't pick up on many signs of it coming to an end. I am also in shock that he is not the person I thought he was. I also am in shock as to how he has handled the break up.

 

It occurred over the phone while I was away on a business trip. Thereafter he refused contact and has asked me to "Respect his wishes and not contact him".

 

When I didn't even do anything wrong. He is almost "punishing" me for no reason. I honestly can say that I did not contribute to the ending of the relationship as I was very loving/sweet towards him.

[aFighter]

Sometimes things happen and there's reason for it or rather, no satisfying reason.

Don't bother asking yourself why you weren't good enough for them, maybe they're not good enough for you.

ignore this person and move on. I'll bet you a virtual pint that he'll come snopping back after you ignore him for a long time

[SMF]

The bet is on!!!

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago. We didn't speak for 1 week then we spoke via email. I sent him a very long email back and left him a vm. He never returned my call.

 

Then I called him this past Sunday and he therafter called me back and we spoke for 10 minutes.

 

We have had TOO much communication actually. However, I am going to start the NC as of today.

 

I shouldn't want to be with someone that does not want to be with me.

[TommyGirl]

SMF, sometimes in life, we learn some of the best lessons out of the worst things that happened to us. If someone has been with you over a year and has not even attempted to tell you that they love you, that is definitely a problem. I am also willing to bet that that was not the first sign that you had. He is obviously not worthy of you, although he's 29, he still may be very immature when it comes to relationship. Has he been and any bad previous relationships? Was your relationship ever official? I'm pretty sure if he talked about your future together, he had some feelings for you. I am so sorry to hear about your story, and you better believe that you will overcome this. It's a hard road, but I promise you when you get to the end, you can look back and laugh. You are still young and that special someone is definitely out there for you. If God brought you to it, He can definitely bring you through it. I think he got scared of something, maybe commitment, or I wonder did he feel that he had to experience life some more, but, only knows the answer to that. Display yourself as this strong, independant woman, and show him that you are moving on without him with grace and dignity. Don't let a failed relationship break you down, and if he doesn't want to talk to you, let him go. You only pursuing contact is going to push him farther away. Never let him get the best of you. Don't let him use for ANYTHING. Be stong and know that you are beautiful on the inside and out. You'll be aiight

[SMF]

Tommy Girl- you hit the nail on the head w/out even knowing me or him. He is VERY IMMATURE. My parents saw that quality right away as did I.

 

He really hasn't had any serious relationships that were like ours since college. Everything else was for a "good time" and only lasted several weeks/months. Maybe a summer if that. Nothing consistent.

 

This was his first grown up relationship. Yes our relationship was very official.

 

You are right again in that he was very scared. When we broke up he told me needed "time", wasn't ready, feels like I deserved to hear that he loved me and that we were on 2 different page... yet all the while he was still talkign about the future. It was a little odd. His father said that maybe he needed to "sow his wild oats". But I feel that since he said his feelings had faded that he just wasn't into it anymore.

 

He knows that I am very strong but I have been weak lately and have been trying to connect with him. Its a bad idea. What are things/mantra that you say to yourself when you get that pitt and you want to call/email?

[TommyGirl]

Honestly, after we broke up, I had no real desire to call him. If I wanted to call him, it would definitely be because I wanted an answer to something or that something was really confusing me at the first beginning of the break-up. I feel that if and some way a person doesn't want me now or ever, then I will not bother you by calling you, or getting into your life. That's just me though. But if I did ever get the urge or felt like I was missing him at times, I would just say to myself, " would I want my best-friend to go through something like this." I would also say " He lost out, and I'm something wonderful, so oh well. Honey, I've been through many relationships, dumped and been dumped, they ALL come crawling back on hands and knees, but my ex-fiancee is a cat with a different tune, and I can't figure him out like I did the rest, I guess because he was also totally different from them too. So, what do you think about that?

[SwEeT P]

omg SMF im in the same situation as u........ my bf after 3yrs just up and left me....without warning......he broke up with me on the phone......(lame ass).......its been 3 weeks since i talked to him..... although the 1st week was horrible, but i found that over the last 2 weeks ive been feelin better..as u will 2.. u just need time and alot of support from friends, family etc...........remember its there lost not ours......

[SMF]

Sweet P what happened to you? Have you spoken to your ex?

 

I know in my head that it is not correct to call someone who states that they do not want to be with you. In my heart I can't understand that this person has changed and I want to call/contact/communicate to keep seeing if that person in fact has changed... Or maybe I can say something to make them come back. It is the common grieving/denial process. I have been through this before.

 

Its actually ironic. My best friend broke up with her boyfriend and they did not speak (cold turkey) for like 5 months and they then got back together and they just got engaged yesterday. So things that are meant to be will be and there is nothing that will get in the way. I guess you have to let fate take its course.

 

Its just hard bc I miss him terribly. We didn't have a bad relationship but he was a real jerk to me in how he handled the break up. Via phone, Refused contact, was very cold, Hung up on me at one point-spit out a million reasons why he wanted it to end that I almost feel like I got broken up with 6 different people. From him needing time to him not being ready to take future steps, to him not having strong feeligns anymore, to him wanting me to wait for him, for him wanting to sow his wild oats, etc... It all doesn't link together.

 

Any advice? Should I definitely not call?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF... if you must move to the desert and live in a hole in the ground to stay away from any communications device, do it! This man will only respond angrily or rudely and at this point, that's the last thing you need.

 

My ex-fiance also broke up with me on the phone, and as you say, gave me a multitude of assorted and disjointed reasons why he was doing it. He had pushed exclusivity, engagement, and looking at a ring for me, all without me expressing any expectation for any of it. Then he phones me, gives me this clap-trap and hangs up on me.

 

That was 6.5 weeks ago. I have not stooped to contact a person who would do such a mean-spirited, cowardly thing to me, especially since he pushed relentless for me to be his wife ASAP. Even though he told me repeatedly that he loves me and always will (while cutting me loose), I have not called, emailed or attempted in any way, shape or form to make any contact with him.

 

In YOUR case, you have even less reason to contact your ex. You say he was rude, inconsiderate and has repeatedly asked you to cease contact. Save your dignity and your ego and STOP calling him. Whatever you saw in him wasn't genuine or he wouldn't have been able to do this to you.

 

Ending a relationship is one thing; ending it respectfully, compassionately and preserving the dignity of the individual being let go, is something else altogether. And telling someone on the phone definitely doesn't cut it.

 

Move on, quickly, quietly and resolutely. As my friend told me, "Silence is the most perfect expression of contempt."

[SMF]

Thank you so much. Your boost makes me feel better.

 

The pain I feel in my heart seems like it will never go away. I am a smart, grounded girl and I know that this person has disrespected me (not while we were in the relationship) but the way that the has ceased contact, been so stoic, apathetic and just plain old rude. I shouldn't even want anything to do with someone like this.

 

AND to make matters worse, this was a person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

KaiaMahina- so have you spoken to your ex-? You are so insipiring to see that you haven't tried to contact him. Has he tried to contact you?

 

Are there any sayings or things that you say to yourself to help you from not calling/moving on?

 

You are very strong. I hope in 6.5 weeks, I can be at your strength. It has been almost 3 weeks for me since the breakup.

[SMF]

and for anyone reading these posts- HE NEVER SAID HE LOVED ME. Not once. Not I am falling for you, nothing... He backed his feelings up with actions but in the end they all failed.

 

The truth was spoken and that was that he didn't want to be with me. I wish I could fast forward time.

 

Then again - my mother tells me that I should kiss the ground that I walk on that I didn't move to be with him and then have this happen. He wanted to live together before we got engaged. He would have found something I guess that he didn't like then - then I would have given up everything.

[SwEeT P]

omg SMF r u sure we didnt have the same b/f??? lolol I swear it sounds just like mine.........although he did tell me he loved me and we did live together for almost 3yrs b4 he left me.......i felt the same way u did i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life 2gether with him..well i thought wrong.......it all happend so fast i was workin a dbl shift and my daughter called me @ work to tell me my b/f was movin out.....WTH he called me when he was done and just broke up with me on the phone.(lame ass) he wasnt man enough to do it in person .. He also said he needed time and space he said "if u love someone set them free if they come back 2 u its meant to be" Ya right ........well its been 3 weeks of NC makes me wonder if he even loved me.. But u will start to feel better like i am.. move on.......We definately dont need cowards...........Eventually we will find someone that will give us unconditional love..Trust Me!!!!!!!! If n e time u need 2 talk im here for ya!

[SMF]

Thanks everyone for their posts.

 

Its been 3 weeks today. I just feel like I am holding on to the person he was and am still in shock that he did this to me and is not acting so cold-hearted and apathetic.

 

His father and I spoke about 2 weeks ago and the common thread btwn him and his dad was that my ex bf needed time and that he wasn't ready and maybe he needs to sow his wild oats. It seems odd as I feel that my ex bf already did that. He always said he was so so appreciative of what he had... But then again- He wasn't IN LOVE with me yet talking about future. Doesn't seem right. I always just assumed that the I love you would eventually come as how can someone be so forthright about engagement, living together and marriage if they weren't even IN LOVE.

 

I also think that he is being really stubborn and he thinks that if we speak- I will convince him to get back together with me. The last conversation that he and I had was him saying that "at this point he is not ready to reconsider and speaking now would not be helpful". Seems odd that he said that seeing as though I never mentioned anything about "Reconsidering.."

 

ANY THOUGHTS?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, you're doing fine for 3 weeks!

 

No, my ex-fiance has not contacted me. I don't think he has the guts, to be honest. Knowing him, he's probably ashamed of the way he treated me in the end, especially considering his "moral code" that he lived by. It was shocking and repulsive to see how he could turn on me that way, after treating me like royalty the whole time we were together. Gifts, "I love you" every day, driving 5+ hours to see me. I watched him always "do the right thing" in every situation he was involved in...except with letting me go.

 

So on top of the grief, I have the big WHY thing waking me up in the middle of the night, followed by HOW could he treat me that way. I completely trusted him with my emotions because he was always so sincere, so strong, so reliable. He wanted me to trust him, it was important to him that I did, because I had had other relationships where I hadn't trusted the man. He wanted to win my trust. But he betrayed it, and did it in the most childish and cowardly way possible.

 

I am no more enlightened now than I was the second he hung up on me. I didn't get a word in edgewise in that conversation. It was like being arrested on the street, taken to jail, put on trial, convicted and sentenced to life without parole without ever being told WHAT you were accused of. I had no say in any of it. One day I was looking at rings and the next week I was being told goodbye.

 

I don't have any little tricks to keep me from calling him. I'm stubborn by nature, and I have a strong will. Especially when I know that I've done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment and that before I would speak to him, he would have to contact me with an apology. To me, if someone tells you to go away, it's shameful and undignified to chase them. No matter how much it hurts not to speak to them, or how much you need to know WHY.

 

Not that I haven't had moments where I WANTED to call him. And felt so miserable and weepy, imagining myself picking up the phone. Then I replay those moments that day when he called me. I replay what he said and how he said it, and I replay that final click as he hung up the phone on me and I think, "I'll be damned if I call that miserable SOB." He told me that I "don't have much of a life" and I remember that nasty comment, too. And I get angry and that miserable, weepy feeling fades.

 

When you've been dumped, you get caught in replaying all the happy moments and pining away for that feeling you used to have with that person. Instead, replay the unhappy, unpleasant moments. Then you'll find you're getting a different perspective.

 

Hope this helps, girl. You don't deserve what you're going through, but if you use it right, you can come out stronger and smarter on the other side. And since like attracts like, you will begin to attract stronger, smarter men. You may even be thankful that your ex gave you this opportunity to outgrow him.

[SMF]

WOW what a wonderful post and thank you so so much for your time and effort.

 

You seem to be so so strong and have come so far.

 

I remember hearing the click as well and I was in awe. I thought to myself here is a person that too treated me like gold (w/ the exception of him ever telling me he loved me) and always doing the right thing- and here out of the blue turns on me and becomes this mean person that I don't even know.

 

It is a daily struggle to concentrate on the negative and not pine for the good. Our relationship was all positive so it is hard to look back and say what a bad relationship- but I MUST look back and focus on the person he was at the end. ANY PERSON that is looking to marry someone and spend the rest of their lives with that persons SHOULD NOT and WOULD NOT treat that person rudely. Especially when nothing was done to evoke that behavior.

 

Its true those HOWs and WHYs constantly sneak up on you. Time does heal- as cliche as it is- It is true... MY problem and my #1 problem is that i CONSTANTLY say to myself this person was the one and I am watching them exit my life and I cannot do a thing about it... Then my head saids to my heart--- but if he was the ONE he wouldn't be walking out on you and HE never told you that he loved you.

 

How long have you guys been broken up for? Do you live in the same area?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, It will be 7 weeks on Monday. Hopefully one day I'll forget exactly when it happened and how long its been!

 

We live 250 miles apart, which makes it easier since I will never run into him by accident, we have no mutual friends, and nothing which would ever connect us again.

 

Everything thinks it was the "long distance thing" which ended the relationship, but it wasn't. We handled that fine and never argued about it. We were planning to marry and he was going to move to be with me. Neither of us is a kid (well, I thought he wasn't a kid, but maybe he still is) and we were patient and tolerated the separation very well.

 

He would have done this if he had lived next door or on the moon. It was his own dysfunctional and immature emotions which deep-sixed the best thing that ever happened for him. And I'm not merely massaging my ego. He had a loyal, loving woman who would have moved a mountain for him.

 

His loss.

[SMF]

We had long distance as well but only a state away. We saw each other every weekend and we both spoke very frequently throughout the week, several times a day.

 

WOW- I can't belive its been 7 weeks for you. I can't wait for the time when I stop counting the days.

 

There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about a way to connect with him/email him/call him... but I remember clearly the click when he just simply hung up on me for NO reason. He didn't even know what I was calling for.

 

I just don't get how someone can be so so mean for no apparent reason. Its their own self defense mechanism, I Suppose.

 

Sounds like our ex's have a lot in common- being emotionally bizarre.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that someone that loves me would never do this to me. DO you ever say that to yourself?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, I can't judge whether he genuinely loved me because only he and whatever runs the universe knows that for sure.

 

It could be that he loved me as much as he was able. He just wasn't able to love me enough. Enough to overcome whatever obstacles which rose between us. Enough to compromise and make the sacrifices and hard decisions that I was willing to make to be with him.

 

Look at all the fairy tales, and epic love stories. They're all about overcoming the odds. They're all about fighting for the one you love. They're about making that person invaluable in your life. The lovers in these stories face hardship, separation, and possibly death. But they persevere. Isn't that what you want from a man who loves you? Love strong enough to endure and survive whatever happens? That doesn't just happen in fairy tales...it happens in real life when you find someone who means more to you than your life is worth without them.

 

I suppose that I look at it as, he wasn't good enough. He wasn't strong enough, he wasn't sure enough. He let situations and people and his own childhood issues come between us. These are things he should have dealt with long before he met me, and he didn't. That was one disappointment. But the bigger disappointment was that he didn't find me worth the hard work and pain that it would require to deal with them NOW and clear the path for us to be together.

 

I think our exes didn't love us enough, or didn't love us in the right way. Perhaps they did the best that they could, but in the end, they fell short. Like putting a ladder up against the tower where the fairy tale princess is imprisoned, climbing half way up, and then suddenly clambering back down because he's afraid of heights! The disappointment is so great that it would have been better if they hadn't made the attempt at all.

 

The good thing is that we're being forced to deal with this NOW and deal with it thoroughly. We have no choice if we want to go on and find love in the future. We have to heal our hearts and dissect our issues so that we are healthy enough to love and be loved again. These men are simply running away today from something that they will only run away again from tomorrow...

[SMF]

These are very good analogies. I appreciate you taking the time to write.

 

You seem so so strong and it is very admirable and inspiring.

I guess sometimes you just have to look at the bright side and say that things happen for a reason and maybe you would have endured a divorce or heartache for the rest of you life if you were with this man. Especially since you said that he has unresolved emotional issues.

 

In my case- we were talking all the talk about the engagement, rings, weddings, living together but the core of the situation was never said. HE never ever told me that he loved me. Never once. I did in fact feel it but surpressed my emotions for fear that he would just say thank you or become uncomfortable if I said that. So i never did and figured that he would eventually say it.

 

Its really odd- the night before we broke up - he had set up his bedroom with candles and candy. It was really sweet. Does that sound duranged that a person would do this and then call it off out of the blue the next night?

 

Its terrible. I feel totally overwhelmed with pain. I am trying to funnel my pain into work but I feel the biggest lump in my chest at work bc I feel like I could break down and cry at any moment.

 

I hope this pain goes away soon. Did it go away for you ?

[anthony]

smf

 

your bf sounds like me....kind of...anyways if he spoke of those things like what your kids would be like ......he will be back....might be sometime and you might not want him back...as with my situation with my gf

good luck

[SMF]

EVERYONE its almost a month since my ex bf broke up with me and I haven't contacted him in over a week. I feel stronger that I have stuck to my guns on that one.

 

It BLOWS my mind that this person could just hurt my heart the way that they did after speaking so much about spending the rest of his life with me... and not have any remorse.

 

He literally out of no where broke up with me on the phone while I was on a business trip and then REFUSED CONTACT. Would not answer 2 or 3 of my nice voice messages... When I did email- he said he was NOT READY TO RECONSIDER... Um, hello did I ask you to reconsider???

 

Anyway- I feel better that I haven't called him but I feel like in my head I eventually want to call him. Is that bad? There really isn't much to say- I just feel the need to talk to him and see if he is still feeling the same way.

 

I am petrified that if I never called to see how he was doing (and he was wanting to reconsider/give it a second chance) i would never know bc he would never act on it...

 

IS that BAD? Weak of me to think that?

[KaiaMahina]

First off, SMF, if you have to repeatedly knock your head against a cement wall to get that idea out of your head, do so! What's a little concussion? That idea is the concept that if YOU don't make contact with him, he won't make contact with you even though he wants to do it but thinks that because you don't make contact with him....see what I mean?

 

I already went through this. My ex is ultra-sensitive to rejection, guards his feelings fiercely to prevent being hurt, and is stubborn as all get-out. After an argument during which he thought I was breaking up with him (his ultra-sensitivity also leads him to jump to conclusions), he didn't speak to me for a week until I called him. He then said, "I thought, if she wants me, she'll call me."

 

So, yeah. I was consumed with the idea that he's sitting there, paralyzed with fear, afraid to call because he thinks I will reject him. Wanting to get back with me but not knowing how to do it. Well, guess what? HE dumped ME. I called him when he thought I dumped him, so he knows the drill.

 

The fact of the matter is that if these men CARED enough, they would call. No matter what kind of reception they thought they would get. They would take the chance if it really mattered. They would leap over the pit of hell to have us back if they really wanted us.

 

Sure, they might "take us back" if we called. Because it would be easy, and it would ultimately be on their terms, and they would also have the smug satisfaction that they "won." They're the ones making a relationship into a game. Won't talk. Won't work things out. Won't hear the other person's viewpoint. They just took their little Barbie dolls and stormed home like the babies they are.

 

Do you want a man who will stand up and take responsibility for his role in a relationship and have a decent conversation with you, regardless of whether he wants to be with you or end it? Or do you want a self-absorbed brat that you have to chase and wheedle and spoon-feed back into a relationship with you?

 

I know what I want. And that's why I'm damn near 2 months of no contact. I don't feel like calling and asking his mother if he can come out to play.

 

PS He's particularly sick if he dumped you the day after entertaining you in a room filled with candlelight and complimented with candy. It's not just sick, it's cruel. I can see why you're tormented by this thing because it's simply the normal human reaction to understand cause and effect. But just like you may never know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, you may never know what's up with this guy. You may have to go on and leave this unsolved mystery where it belongs. In his addled head.

[SMF]

KaiaMahina- You have always given me the best advice and have communicated it in a way that makes a lot of sense. I hope I can help you as you have helped me.

 

You are inspiring as you are being quite strong- 2 months is a long time w/out contact. Do you feel so much better? Do you feel you have a clearer head?

 

My father is a pschiatrist and he actually thinks he is sick for doing what he has done to me and has used the analogy of "picking up their toys in haste and leaving the playground". Sums my ex and maybe you ex up in a nutshell. My ex is 29 and acts like he is 9.

 

If he was mature he would have put his feelings aside and asked for my viewpoint.

 

I haven't been crying as much which I think is a sign of healing. But every day is truly a struggle with my thoughts. I feel like I am constantly thinking about him and his whereabouts and how I can make sense of this entire mess.

 

Bottom line- he never loved me. So he probably is not feeling as much pain as I am.

 

I can't wait till I get to the stage where I know exactly what I want.