How's this for messed up?

[kyndrad77]

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Hi everyone. I have been lurking around this site for a while, looking for answers I guess. Really, the main purpose is to find out if miracles do happen. So far, I am not convinced. I have a messed up story to tell, and don't know if anyone here can relate. Here goes...

My boyfriend and I were living together for a year. Two and a half months ago we were shopping for wedding rings. A month ago, he drove me 600 miles away to a home in Utah that is owned by my family. He broke up with me. He left me here.

Okay that's the short version...

He's a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness, doesn't live by the rules (smokes pot occasionally, gambles, sex before marriage, drinks socially but sometimes gets drunk<big nono>, etc.) In no way does he live the part, but seems to act like he does to his parents so that they will be happy with him. He was disfellowshiped for sex before marriage-several acts-that did not include me.

At first we were friends with benefits, bt the benefits part was prodominate. After about 3 to 4 months of this, he told me that he had gotten another girl pregnant, yes he was seeing other prople. About the same time, I was ready to admit I was in love with him. He was, at first, going to marry her, but then realized he had serious feelings for me. He ended up telling her (she was a two-night stand btw) that he couldn't love her. She ended up 'miscarrying. He admitted his love for me. 4 months later I moved in with him.

Keep in mind that he was willing to love me, although I wasn't a witness.

I started studying as a witness, and he was ecstatic. He could have his cake and eat it too.

About 6 months later I started finding out things about the sect that I could not live with. They are liers,brainwashers, family-ruiners, and it was all power and money. The society was run by hypocrites, etc. I found proof of several scandals that proved that this was no 'true' religion. He had the proof too, and even stated his own concern. 2 weeks after, he told me we had to break up because I wasn't going to be a witness. I pleaded with him not to do this. I had no where to go. He was convinced by his parents that we couldn't be together, and so he stuck to that.

He loved me. That I am sure of. he helped me pack my things into a trailer, even drove with me to Utah from California, and stayed here with me for 4 days. He was only supposed to stay 2, but he p[ostponed his flight to help me around the house. While he was here he mentioned staying here with me, etc. He and I spent as much time togetheras possible. His words were, " I would like to enjoy the rest of my time with you as much as I can." When I took him to the airport to go home, both of us were bawling. This has broken my heart beyond what i can describe. I guess I always thought that Love was something worth fighting for. He, obviously, sees it as something disposable. So, despite my tries and pleads, he's gone.

Since then, we spoke about once a week. 2 weeks after he left i found out I was pregnant but would miscarry at any moment-I won't go into details. I told him. He said that if I was, he would move up here, because he couldn't afford to live in California and support the baby. I told him I didn't want him coming up if it was only for the child. If he didn't love me any more, there was no need for him to be here. He said, "I do love you."

I ended up miscarrying and he was very cold about it. Everytime I talked to him, he said he was dealing with the pain of losing me by staying busy, hanging out with friends and other stuff.

I have been here all alone. I don't know anyone here, I don't know anythign about this city, I don't have anyone to talk to. He was always my shoulder to cry on, and he's gone. Everytime I bring up emotions, he wants to get off the phone. The only time he likes to talk is if were talking like nothing ever happened.

I ask him subtly if he's changed his mind yet, and he says no. He admits he loves and misses me, that he hurts very much. He says not a day goes by when he's not reminded of me, but he is trying to get through and over it. I don't want him to get over me. I love him so much, though at this point I don't know why. He abandoned me.

I need to mention that I have two children whom he became very close to, and they still live in California with thier father (previous marriage) and I don't know when I can get back out there to see them again. We have joint custody, but I didn't have work when I came out. Now my ex husband is taking me to court because he doesn't want them out of CA.

My boyfriend left me knowing what he was doing to me. I lost him, lost my beautiful girls, came to a place that is a complete mystery to me, and he's going on with his life.

The last time I talked to him, he went out drinking the night before with his buddies and -I figured this out without him saying- he slept with another girl.

I was told by a guy friend that men tend to do this help get over the girl they love. Is this true? How could he? I couldn't. Besides, he's supposed to be trying to get reinstated with JW's, that's the whole reason we broke up.

I want him back so bad, I am so hurt. I lose a lot of sleep over this, and I can do nothing. I am trying to move on, but don't have any friends or family here to hang out with. I don't want to go to bars or anything like that.

If he really loves me, will he come back. He's not a real witness. What do I do? I am not talking to him now since I realized he slept with someone else. I am angry and discusted most of the time, but then there are times like this when all I want is to see his face. I am sorry for this being so lone.

[kyndrad77]

Some things that I am having trouble with are the following.

 

After I found out about the other girl, I was so mad and hurt. I TM's that I never wanted to talk to him again, that as if it weren't bad enough he had betryed me all over again. I told him not to call me and I wouldn't call him. The next night at 10pm, he called me and asked me if I had just called him. I hadn't and told him so. He said. Okay, I'll let you go then." He knew that I didn't call him because he has caller ID. What was that about?

 

 

He also told me once that he wasn't sure he wasn't coming back to me, in one of our post break-up conversations.

 

I get the feeling sometimes that he still loves me, and then I chase it away with the thought that if he did, he wouldn't have done this. He does tell me that he does, but doesn't want to talk about it because it only hurts.

 

He doesn't call me, I always called him, never more that once a week in the last 1.25 months that I've been here. If you have any suggestions on how to handle this, I would aappreciate it. I want him back, though I can't figure out if it would be good for me. I'm just confused.

[HoldOn]

yeah, that WAS long...

 

It's too bad that you fell in love with this guy who's obviously not very nice...That's an understatement. I don't understand why it was so important for you to convert when he doesn't even follow his own religion.

 

Plus he was continuously sleeping with other women. Maybe you need to have a relationship with a man who wants only you and you'l understand what you deserve.

[kyndrad77]

When we were exclusive, he was extremely good to me. That's why I can't just assume he's a jerk. He was very, very good to me. He never cheated on me. We spent every moment we could together. The relationship itslef was for lack of a better word, perfect. We got along great. The only difference we ever really had was religious. We went fishing together, golfing, hiking, traveled acroos the country twice, there were a lot of truly beautiful times. He is not a 'not very nice' person, inside. I think sometimes he is blind.

 

Can you really flip love off with a switch? can you tell ourself not to love? If you try to hide it by consuming yourmind with other things will it go away? Or will you eventually have to face it down?

[DazednConfused]

Kyndrad,

 

I am sure it is not easy now, but leave the guy alone. He is not doing you any good at all. Love is a curious thing though, it tells us to do things that deep down, we know are unhealthy for us.

 

I think in your heart, you know that the best thing for you will be to get involved in some groups in your comminity or whatever you need to do to get busy and meet people. The anguish you now feel will pass sooner or later. You know you could never trust him, even if he came crawling back..... that is not a good way to spend your life!

 

It's gonna be tough, but you can do this.... focus on other things, try to stay positive, and above all, do NOT call this creep again. Soon you will meet someone that will make you wonder what you ever saw in that guy. Keep your head up and wear a smile as often as you can, I bet it looks good on you.

[HoldOn]

Yes, he is a total CREEP. You gave up EVERYTHING for him. You were about to convert religions. And he couldn't give up F**king other women.

 

You should only love those you love you. If this is all the love he is capable of.... then you deserve so much more. You deserve a guy who will defend you above all and would do anything for you. This guy is a loser and an @ss.

 

Please please please never ever call him again. He will only cause you pain.

 

Spend a couple days mourning and then get on with your life. be happy you don't ever have to deal with him again! Yay! Do something you've always wanted to do. Concentrate on you daughters find a new man you will put you first. You can do it and you deserve it.

[overseas2004]

What a screwed up mess your life is.... I have often said this to myself in situations where I love someone who isn't returning the affection. And the reason I say this is because you are letting other really important things go to hell because of this stupid guy. Ummm like your children????

 

So pick yourself up and put yourself back together ASAP. You will need to focus on the important things to come.

 

And don't waste one more minute agonzing over this one. Let me make it easier on you. Number one - he is messed up.... Number two He doesn't love you (painful but true and proved 100 percent by all his actions). Three He belongs to a wierd sect that he clings to over you yet doesn't follow the rules..... conclusion????

 

LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER

 

Boy that was fun...

 

Now....

 

YOU CAN DO BETTER ... YOU CAN DO BETTER .... YOU CAN DO BETTER....

 

 

How's that for brainwashing...

 

Regards,

 

OVERSEAS

[Velveteel]

The reason you can't make a clean break emotionally from this guy is that you still love him, despite everything. And that is the same reason he can't make a clean break from you (still calls you, declares his love, etc.). It is human nature. He's a weak man, though, and won't make you happy in the long-term. He can't keep the tenets of his religion, but he's not strong enough to leave it. He can't choose you over his family. He can't choose his family and his world over you, either, but has to keep giving you little bits of hope to keep you attached. He can't this and he can't that.

 

If you step away from this relationship emotionally, your priorities will become much clearer. You need to get a loan from someone--maybe from several people--and move closer to your daughters. You need a car and a job. If it helps, think from your daughters' perspective. She left us for THAT? And then she stayed away? You're damaging your daughters. Make them your top priority--not your relationship with this guy, and not even the heartbreak you're feeling now, which is keeping you stuck where you are, feeling helpless and messed up.

[kyndrad77]

Thank you all for your support and advice. I have spent time considering what has been said here, as well what what has been going on, in my own perspective.

At this point I realize that what was can't be again. If he did 'come crawling', I am not sure that I would have open arms for him. I am not sure that I could look past all this and forgive him for damages he caused out of his own self-centeredness. I make pictures in my head of what he's doing now, bad ones, like him dating, hanging out, and sleeping with another girl, and it hurts because it's probably true. Knowing that it is probably true, I have been getting better gradually, with increasing speed.

As for my children, I need to address some of the assumptions that have been made.

I am currently in a custody battle. I am doing everything I can to be with them. Getting a loan, going back to CA, not an option. I am here for good.

The situation with my children and missing them far outweighs any feelings that are evoked with this guy. Loveshack.org is about relationships, etc., right? The things going on with them aren't appropriate here, necessarily.

This was about him, and how absolutely unbelievable his actions were. With your help, I have been able to see it from an outside point of view, and you are all right. He is a jerk. He doesn't deserve to have anyone love him at this point, he doesn't know what to do with it. He'll lie to everyone, even live a lie, and that, to me shows no integrity, which I cannot respect. When respect is gone, that's when it's really over. It's over for me. The last week has been very helpful.

I am taking each day at a time. I know that one of these days I'll wake up and get through the day without holding tears back about him or anything else. It will be okay. Just one day at a time.

[overseas2004]

You are right and you should just live for that day when you will wake up and you wont cry. Believe me it will come even though right now that may seem like its not the case. It took me 4 months. That is a long time and it sucks while you are waiting. Try to keep yourself busy. I know that you feel like just laying around and wallowing ... but I found that it is really true ... if you are busy you wont have time to think about LOSER.

[kyndrad77]

Thank you.

 

I think these days I am more mad than anything. I installed a garage door opener yesterday. I started sewing a new skirt today. I did yard work, put in solar path lighting, etc. I am staying busy as much as I can. The whole thing with my kids has got me more tied up emotionally now. I still cry about him, but it's not because I want him back. I really don't want him back. I cry because it's not fair.

 

He still has his life.

 

I have to be here and try to start over, but start over with a torn canvas.

 

He still has his friends, family close-by, job, pool, spa, etc. His life has not changed with the exception of my absence.

 

That's not fair. I did nothing to him. I only ever loved him, and I am the one who pays. I cry because there's no justice, no help, no one, nothing. Just me in an empty house, looking around wondering how long I am going to be like this. How long am I going to be up until 6:41am, because I can't get any peace from the anger I feel. I try and 1/2 hour later I am out of bed again because my mind will not let go. This is not fair. He should feel horrible about this, and I know he's indifferent. Is there any justice? I am going to CA this weekend to visit my girls, but i have to return his belongings to him, and vice-versa. It's bad enough to have a 2 minute conversation with him, trying to play it off like I don't care. Now I have to face him. Then spend the entire 9 hour drive home feeling like this. I don't have anyone to make the exchange for me. (Sigh) I just want to forget he existed. I want my kids to forget he existed too. They still ask about him. Can you believe that the weekend he dropped me off here, he talked to my 5 year old and told her he loved her-TWO days before he left, for good? Yeah. Nice.

 

Sorry. Thanks for listening.

[havNfun]

well I have a deep believe that there is (eventually at least) justice.

 

keep your karma good regardless of the reasons you might have to

stray from good intentions.

 

Hang in there - this hell will pass,

face forward, deep breaths, strong will,

you'll move through this storm,

and you will once again be strong,

stronger,

and happy.

count on it.

 

much love,

hang in there!