UCFKevin Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I notice that TONS of people are going thru the no contact thing in relationships, during a break or a breakup, whether it was initiated on them or they initiated themselves. And they all seem to be really concerned with sticking to the no contact thing. I just want to say f*ck no contact. F*ck the rules. If you want to talk to the person, talk to them. If they respond well, good. Imagine if you never bothered? All the time you would've wasted? All the heart ache you would've gone thru? The misery? And if they don't respond well? F*ck them. Anyone you are or were involved with who gets upset about you contacting them is NOT worth your time. Think of how god damn CRUEL it is to go thru something like this, especially when it's not your idea? Someone who could put another person thru something like this is a VERY selfish individual. Here's what no contact means to me. "I don't want to hear from you. We're going on a break. I'm going to go out and have lots of fun and never think twice about what's going on between you and me. I'm going to be happy. You, however, will be completely miserable, wondering where I am, what I'm doing, hoping for the best, not knowing what the hell is going to happen. It's good for me and it's hell for you. Enjoy." Screw it. Go with your heart, people. If your heart tells you to contact the person, do it. It may be frowned upon by people in society or people here at the Shack, and sometimes, sure, it MAY work, but more often than not, I'd wager to say, it doesn't work at all. It's a total waste of time and a waste of heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I think UFCKevin has hit the nail on the head. Somewhere along the way, the idea of "no contact" - shortened by some to "NC" has morphed from a coping strategy to help a grieving heart mend, to a manipulative strategy to get an ex to come back to you. The thing that makes "no contact" work to help get over a lost love is that it forces you to fill your life with other things. Instead of counting on getting back together, and nurturing that hope by scrutinizing every facet of every interaction you have with your ex, "no contact" means that you assume that it's over. You might be really torn up about it being over, but you accept that and move on, however slowly. That's why you're engaged in "no contact" -- because you need that opportunity to heal, to fill the gaps the defunct relationship left behind. Even if the gaps aren't filled entirely to your satisfaction right away, you'll be in a much better place emotionally if you're not spending every evening re-reading every email the two of you exchanged, and waiting for the phone to ring. Sometimes "no contact" as a coping strategy does have the side benefit of jolting one's former partner awake. If they haven't yet filled in the gaps in their life, your disappearance will be felt. But the minute having that effect on your former lover becomes your goal, you're not really engaged in "no contact" -- you're just pretending. Because your mind is still focused on them. When someone says, "my ex and I broke up two weeks ago. I'm doing NC and I'm wondering how much longer I should expect to wait before he'll call me," I'm so tempted to say, "um, you're not doing "NC" if you're waiting for him to call you. " But I think that Kevin is also right when he says that you've just got to do what feels right for you. If you need to call your ex, call. You might end up feeling angry or humiliated or at least disappointed, but you shouldn't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to follow some prescription for "how to win your ex back." There's no formula. Every relationship, and former relationship, is different. Link to post Share on other sites
honeyboobonnie Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I agree as well. We are all adults and should not be playing games. F*ck the no contact thing. If you want to email, write or call, then go for it! Follow your mind and your heart. Games are for kids and make things confusing as all hell anyway. Go for it and contactwhomever you want *smile* Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I've always interpreted "no contact" to mean that I would request that the other person stop contacting me unless they have something important to say. Often women want to keep some little part of the relationship alive, even after they decide to move on. Maybe guys do it too. I've had that happen a few times: some girl breaks my heart but gets my hopes up by checking in every once in a while, trying to stay "friends". At some point you have to ask to not be led on anymore. I never hesitate to contact someone unless I know I'm not going to get the response I want. If I don't think so, then I don't contact them. But I don't call that "no contact". I call that "moving on with my life". "No contact" with someone you're trying to make miss you or realize what they could lose? I call that "games". "No contact" with someone you care about but has frustrated you to the point of being speechless? I call that "needing a little time to sort out my thoughts". Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I personally have always used No Contact as a means of gathering the last shreds of my dignity and walking away. Nothing demeans a person more than BEGGING for the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Kevin is right. I emailed my ex yesterday to wish her luck with her surgery after she made it clear that she wanted no contact when she left me. She answered within minutes, very business like, but polite. Had she not been going for surgery, I would NOT have contacted her, and now I realize that my recovery from being abruptly dumped by her would have taken much longer. It actually jolted me to move on, as she obviously has already. So I agree, if your not sure, and your waiting, dont. That one last contact may help you decide if the rlationship is worth saving or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I agree that people shouldn't play emotional games with each other. I alway try to end my relationships in a peaceful and agreeable manner, and I always try to remain friends. However, whether you have NC or not, you will STILL wonder whether the other person is moving on, having fun, meeting someone else, having great sex, etc etc. Our imaginations will run riot regardless. But, sometimes it's just not possible to end a relationship cleanly. It's like a gangrenous foot. You can't wait for it to rot off by itself. You simply have to make a clean break and chop it the hell off. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 NC is helpful as a tool to move on - NOT as a tool to get back w/someone who has moved on. Unlike Stupidguy - many people don't see a cold reception from an ex as a reason to move on- instead they think the ex is acting "different" b/c they are in pain or regret the break up. This just seems to prolong the pain. I love how Faux put it: Have you ever worked for one of those places where, at the bottom of the application, it will mention that your job can be terminated at any time, without notice, and without reason? Relationships are kind of like those types of jobs. Any person in a relationship can end things whenever they want to, and they don't really have to give a reason. It stinks, but it's true. Would you call an ex-boss once a week to "see how they were doing"? Would you wait around for them to realize they miss you? Would you wonder- "I haven't spoken to my ex-manager in 3weeks- is it OK to call and see if they came to their senses?" No -you would stop contact and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I agree Faybelle. I mean usually you don't do no contact until you're at the point where you realize talking to the person is not working and not letting you move on. I don't think anyone breaks up with someone and stops talking to them that same day! You go through different phases...one tries to get the other back, you try to be "just friends", you try to "start over" etc. But there comes a point of realization that it's just plain ole over, and sometimes no contact is what it takes to get to the point where you can try to be friends again. So Kevin, darling, let's not f*ck the no contact rule, let's maybe get people to realize how useful a tool it is! Link to post Share on other sites
ojibwaywmn Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by Fayebelle I love how Faux put it: Have you ever worked for one of those places where, at the bottom of the application, it will mention that your job can be terminated at any time, without notice, and without reason? Relationships are kind of like those types of jobs. Any person in a relationship can end things whenever they want to, and they don't really have to give a reason. It stinks, but it's true. Would you call an ex-boss once a week to "see how they were doing"? Would you wait around for them to realize they miss you? Would you wonder- "I haven't spoken to my ex-manager in 3weeks- is it OK to call and see if they came to their senses?" No -you would stop contact and move on. LOL....that's a great way to look at it....pretty funny.... Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by Fayebelle NC is helpful as a tool to move on - NOT as a tool to get back w/someone who has moved on. Unlike Stupidguy - many people don't see a cold reception from an ex as a reason to move on- instead they think the ex is acting "different" b/c they are in pain or regret the break up. This just seems to prolong the pain. I love how Faux put it: Have you ever worked for one of those places where, at the bottom of the application, it will mention that your job can be terminated at any time, without notice, and without reason? Relationships are kind of like those types of jobs. Any person in a relationship can end things whenever they want to, and they don't really have to give a reason. It stinks, but it's true. Would you call an ex-boss once a week to "see how they were doing"? Would you wait around for them to realize they miss you? Would you wonder- "I haven't spoken to my ex-manager in 3weeks- is it OK to call and see if they came to their senses?" No -you would stop contact and move on. I should have used quotation marks- Faux wrote the 1st paragraph- the rest were my comments on it. I love that quote- thought about using it as my signature for a while! Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCFKevin Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 I'm talking mostly about when a couple goes on a break, not when it's completely over. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I, too, am annoyed at how so many people seem to think "NC" is a game to get back an ex. I see it as a way of coping. I agree with Kevin. I'll try to talk to an ex after a while. If she responds well I'll see how it goes from there. If not, well, then as Kevin said: Screw it! The shaky thing with the no contact deal, is knowing when to back off. I find that if I don't wait for long enough after an initial break up to try speaking with an ex, my logic gets confused with feelings, and I read too much into tiny little things. All too often I end up driving people nuts because I'm not sure whether or not they really want to talk to me. Personally, I give things a month to cool off, then give a ring on the old telephone. The redhead with the kid that I had been seeing, phoned me one day with some icky news after ignoring me for a time. I phoned her back, and she never returned my call. This is when I said "screw it". It's entirely up to the individual on how to handle things, but I still will recommend not talking to your ex as a good remedy to get yourself back together. Fayebelle: Anything I contribute here is considered "public domain". If you wish to give credit, that's quite fine. I appreciate you mentioning me. However, whatever I offer here is free for the taking. If I post a poem, however, it is most likely filed with the United States Copyright Office, so please don't try to pass it off as your own under penalty of law Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I sent a text message today, no reply, now I feel worse than ever!!!!what did I expect?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UCFKevin Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 You tried, at least. Had you not tried, you'd be wondering, "what if?" The other person has the ball in their court. It's THEIR f*ck up now, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 it feels better this morning, i feel like i lifted a huge reposibility of me now its up to her, if she does nothing, oh well! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 This is ridiculous! (And this goes for you too, Kevin) What weight did you shift? Nothing happened! Nothing has changed! The "weight" that you shifted is all in your head! All you're doing to playing that emotional game with yourself, it's pointedly stupid! What ball? THERE IS NO BALL! The ball is out of bounds! It's game over! All you're doing is walking up to the plate with no one there to pitch, and feeling so selfrighteous that you're not hitting any strikes. Pish! Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 no weight was shifted, but the reality is that sometimes we dont see the truth in a situation and create our own, we have a responsibility to ourselves as human beings. The last time she broke up with me, she was out dating while I sat home and waited, she told me later she was looking for Mr. right, what was I??? here we are again, I am sitting in a dark world and she is maybe having the time of her life..... Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 So what if she's having the time of her life?!?! YOU were the one that called it quits. If she's having a great time, be glad for her, dammit. I know you're miserable about this, but it doesn't mean that she should be too. And it doesn't mean that you're miserable because she isnt. Chances are she's miserable too. But beating that dead donkey aint gonna make it get up and walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 papillion,Honesty is a vital element in any healthy relationship, so, if you're telling lies or being lied to, this relationship is unhealthy. Even if the lies are minor, they usually snowball into big lies. Remember, lies destroy relationships and keeping secrets isn't any better. She had too many secrets, if she is having fun or not, I cant worry about that, I need to take care of myself. She was not honest with me about many things and it hurt.. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Exactly, you said it, so why are you beating the donkey? Why are you trying to keep it alive by "shifting the ball"? Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Because I still hurt from the loss,, because I am angry right now! Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Good post Kevin... I feel the same way...If you dont try...then how do you know if they want you back or not...Ive tried contact a few times and Im not getting a response from him. My problem is ...I dont know when to stop. Anyway..good post. Link to post Share on other sites
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