Cheating and strip clubs.. Why?

[jmargel]

I've read some posts on here regarding how a poster on here is satisfied with their partner in every which way, except sexually. Either the attraction isn't there, or the 'newness' has worn off over the months/ years.

 

Even while married there will always be temptations. You might run across this 'handsome guy' or this 'beautiful woman' who smiles in your direction and flirts with you some. Although nothing is wrong with being flattered, some take it to the extreme. By trying to fill the void in their relationship with someone else. Thinking of having one person to meet some of your needs, while the other person is there to fill the rest.

 

When you meet a new person and get that little 'flutter' in your heart for that brief second you are overwhelmed by certain emotions. Yet, you never think of what this 'new' person is like when they become angry or upset or what is this person truly about? You've only seen the best part of this new person, you haven't seen what negativity they possess.

 

Women don't understand why men goto strip clubs. In reality it's not so much the nudity or the acts they perform. I noticed that men goto these places, because women pay attention to them without any of the negativity that is associated with their spouse. When a guy walks into one of these places, even though he has to pay money to get in, men still feel a sense of flattery that an attractive woman would give him some attention without any of the negativity associated with their spouse. No yelling, no demanding, no controlling, no insulting behavior. Men don't feel disappointed by these women who are at these clubs, so there is no 'hot & cold' days.

 

When a spouse has so many 'cold' days by their SO, then those 'hot' days are less meaningful. Meaning cold days as argueing, fighting, disagreeing, not happy and hot as being having a good day with one another.

 

So how do you stop someone from cheating or going to strip clubs, etc? Well, IMO the first thing you need to ask yourself is the relationship worth saving? If not, then find a good lawyer. If it is worth saving the first thing you should consider is marriage counseling because if you try to fix whatever the underlying motive is for the unappropirate action that took place you'll just end up in an arguement. By this I mean the following will happen during an arguement. This is an example:

 

- Woman says to husband 'You don't take me out anymore, you don't do anything to help me out'

 

- Man's internal feeling is to now protect himself since he's been attacked. From a male, the first thing he feels when he hears this is 'You disappointed me, you are not at the top of my list anymore'. Men HATE to feel disappointment. We love to feel apprecaited, and your 'knight in shining armor'. When we get this negativity, we rebel against it by trying to explain 'WHY' you shouldn't feel this way. His reaction to this statement probably would be 'No, you are wrong, I do love you' and then give examples of things he's done in the past for you.

 

- What women then hear by not understanding what we feel is 'No, your assumption about me is wrong, I do take you & help you out', she then believes he is not getting the point. That he'll never understand so frustration takes place and then yelling starts.

 

This is just an example but most arguements work this way. Adding on top of this to a situation where one person has cheated it just makes this scenerio that much more explosive. With the right counselor, they will know how to approach the situation in a different way, while then re-explaining to the other spouse what the other has said in terms that will defuse any agruments before they start. This is also then training each spouse on better communication.

 

The second thing to do is to find out what is causing this person to cheat or to go somewhere else to feel appreciated. This is the time to stop the blame for a brief moment and think back and be honest on how you treated this other person. By your own actions that you weren't aware of, did you push this other person to fall out of love with you? There is always the chance that you married a 'bad' person, in that this person would cheat no matter how good you treated them, but for the most part if you truly treat your SO with the love, kindness and appreciation they deserve, you will get that back in return. Like I said before too many 'cold' days will make any sort of 'hot' days moot. I am not condoning cheating in any sort of way, or providing an excuse for it I am just trying to point out the potential roots of the problem.

 

The third thing to do is to deal with the issues, not the topics. The topic in this sense would be the husband going to a strip club. Even if you were to somehow fix this 'topic', the issue will remain which will either have the 'topic' resurface, or have another topic come up to take it's place. Dealing with the issue (on why he is going to the strip club) will eliminate the source of the problem. Thus the topic won't resurface, nor will anything else take it's place.

 

Again, GOOD counseling will help solve this. If you get a bad counselor at first, keep looking. A bad counselor is actually worse than having no counselor at all.

 

These are just somethings that have popped into my head. I'm sure not all will agree but just from observation on here, this is what I gathered.

[TineeTam]

Or the guy just might be a skunk who just likes naked women and doesn't give a rats a$$ about how it makes his wife feel.

 

Or the guy's wife has gained weight and he can't get an erection by looking at her anymore so he goes to strip clubs so he can fantasize and get the image of his wife out of his mind while he masturbates.

[jmargel]

See.. those are topics. A guy who is in a good relationship will just not disrespect his wife's feelings and risk his marriage over some naked chicks. Please re-read my post on why I think men goto these clubs. Remember at these clubs, men CAN'T touch these girls. They are very strict about this. It's all in how men 'feel' when they are there. If he wanted that image, he doesn't need a strip club to help him with that. Any sort of pornography would do. He also has a brain, in which he can make up his own images up in his head.

 

As for the wife gaining weight, that is then usually associated with the wife not wanting to do things with the husband, go out, or constantly showing to her husband how insecure she is about her body. Unless it's a pregnancy, massive weight gain or loss is associated with emotional problems with the relationship.

 

I take this is a problem of yours? You gained weight so he's off to strip clubs? If so, you should find out why you gained the weight, and what else has changed BEFORE the weight gain between you two.

[Moose]

Personally, I think this could be solved by simply forgetting your needs and concentrate on your SO's needs.

 

By constantly scanning daily activities, you will find opportunities in which to help the other out, or spend more quality time together. The problem with this is, that most people are too lazy to work on it, or they are too selfish to think of their spouse.

 

As far as the wife gaining weight, and no longer being attractive, that's another story. I think then you should come up with ways, again, in which you can help her out. Exercise with her, walk with her every evening.....by doing this, you will find other things that will attract you to her.

 

All in all, it's the communication that ultimately decides whether men, or women for that matter is inclined to, "Cheat" or to lust after others.

 

But, that's just my opinion.

[TineeTam]

Originally posted by jmargel

See.. those are topics. A guy who is in a good relationship will just not disrespect his wife's feelings and risk his marriage over some naked chicks. Please re-read my post on why I think men goto these clubs. Remember at these clubs, men CAN'T touch these girls. They are very strict about this. It's all in how men 'feel' when they are there. If he wanted that image, he doesn't need a strip club to help him with that. Any sort of pornography would do. [color=red]Not for everyone. Some men need to see a live person and not an image on paper or on a TV screen.[/color] He also has a brain, in which he can make up his own images up in his head. [color=red]Not all men do this. Sometimes they need a new image in order to get the last image from staying in the front of their thoughts.[/color]

 

As for the wife gaining weight, that is then usually associated with the wife not wanting to do things with the husband, go out, or constantly showing to her husband how insecure she is about her body.

 

[color=red]!! Usually Associated With...!!! How do you know? People gain weight for LOTS of reasons. Maybe because their husband is always out at a strip club so the wife doesn't have anything to do! Maybe all they do is eat together because they can't go out and do things together. Maybe its the husband who doesn't want to go out. I have to jump in here and say something because the way you have written this puts all the responsibility on the wife when that ain't necessarily so. [/color]

 

Unless it's a pregnancy, massive weight gain or loss is associated with emotional problems with the relationship.

 

I take this is a problem of yours? You gained weight so he's off to strip clubs? If so, you should find out why you gained the weight, and what else has changed BEFORE the weight gain between you two.

 

Some men are just jerks. It's no more complicated than that. Some women are bitches. No deep thought required.

 

Some men don't consider their wifes feelings -- therefor they are not disrespecting them. They never respected them to begin with.

 

As for how men "feel" when they go to these clubs---there is as many different answers as there are men. Some men use whatever the latest mental images have been in front of them because it wipes away what they thought of before. They don't want to, or have the ability to, recall older images. So they need "fresh meat" to feed their fantasies.

 

And it's no problem of mine. I just don't happen to think that weight gain or loss has to be a symptom of some greater or deeper problem. My husband doesn't go to strip clubs. I just thought it was an interesting topic. You are right about some, but not all. I am right about some, but not all. There are thousands of other views too---we just have not heard from them - yet.

 

Some things just ARE. We accept or reject things and make our decisions accordingly.

[YellowLioness]

I think jmargel had some good points, here. Men have a perspective, too, ladies. I'm usually the first one to jump on the anti-man band wagon, but what this guy says is true! At least it is for me and my bf.

 

- Woman says to husband 'You don't take me out anymore, you don't do anything to help me out'

 

- Man's internal feeling is to now protect himself since he's been attacked. From a male, the first thing he feels when he hears this is 'You disappointed me, you are not at the top of my list anymore'. Men HATE to feel disappointment. We love to feel apprecaited, and your 'knight in shining armor'. When we get this negativity, we rebel against it by trying to explain 'WHY' you shouldn't feel this way. His reaction to this statement probably would be 'No, you are wrong, I do love you' and then give examples of things he's done in the past for you.

 

I think this rendition of how men feel during an argument is wholey correct! I don't think that marjel was saying that its all the wife's fault. I think he's saying that men also have a POV when it comes to arguments.

 

I'm sure that there are alot of dirt bag men out there who have a great home life, and cheat just because.

 

However, the majority of men, will use some type of escape to make the pressures of home more bearable. Some men golf, some watch foot ball all weekend, and some go to strip clubs.

 

Women just handle the pressure in a different way. We escape in different ways.

 

The problem is that women don't see strip clubs as an excape. They see them as a threat.

[jmargel]

I'm not basing my view on just the 'men' side. And please don't use bright red font in your post. Your response is read just the same as if it was the regular style font.

 

 

 

They don't want to, or have the ability to, recall older images. So they need "fresh meat" to feed their fantasies

 

We don't have the ability to recall older images? Unless we have alzheimer's, I don't think that is much of a problem. Men goto strip clubs not for just the 'images' but sometimes the lustfulness that they've lost in their relationship.

 

I went to a strip club for my bachelor's party on Sat. night. My fiancee didn't mind a bit. My brother bought me a VIP dance, which was done in a private room. Even though this was a full nude strip joint, the private show is only her being topless. It lasted one song, and during that time I noticed it was a routine for her. The way she danced was the same way she danced previously during the night. I talked to her a little and said 'You must hate guys by now' and she said 'basically I have no trust in them, I've been dancing for 10 years and it feels like 20'. I could only imagine what she's been through, since the look she gave me was of destitude. My brother told her I was getting married and she said my fiancee was lucky. I then told her she will find the right one eventually, which then she hugged me. Yes, she chose this profession in life but in reality the dancers really don't get enjoyment out of doing this. Majority of the dancers are thrown into this job. I've also noticed alot of the guys who get the dances, and goto the VIP rooms aren't even smiling. I picked up on alot of things while being there. It's almost like the only way to get out of their world of loniliness is to have to pay for it.

 

You can be with someone, live with someone and still be alone.

 

You also have to be attracted to the person inside & out for a relationship stay together, among other things. If the wife has gained weight for no other reason than a lack of activity, then to us men she is 'not caring' about herself, and him. Personally and I could probably speak for most men on here, that they love to show off their lady going out on the town. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love & care for themselves? You can't rely on the other person to make you happy, that's not their role in life nor it is their responsibility.

 

I'm trying to keep this thread on why these things happen, not have it diverted into one person's particular problem on here. Yes, each situation is different but there is usually an underlying layer that is the same with each problem.

 

I believe communication is the big, real reason why alot of these problems come about. A loss of communication leads to the feeling of loss of love, respect and appreciation. This will eventually lead to cheating or leaving of the other spouse.

[TineeTam]

I'm not trying to jump down jmargel's throat. I also think he has some good points. I said so in my post.

 

I don't care about strip-joints (or slut-marts as we call them around here) and if my husband wanted to go to one -- he's welcome to. I don't see it as a threat, but I know some women do.

 

As for cheating -- actually having sex with another woman -- if my husband did that I would boot him right out the door at the same time I was dialing the lawyer with the cell phone and the bank with the house phone!

[YellowLioness]

I don't consider going to a strip club cheating. This is true for both me and my bf.

 

However, if he made out with a stripper I'd be disgusted. If he had sex with one, he'd be out the back door with a boot up his rear.

 

The reasons men like to go to strip clubs are many and varied. Personally, I don't feel the need to go to a strip club. I know its strange, but I think they're boring. I guess it takes alot to impress me.

 

A bunch of guys standing around flexing their muscles isn't entertainment to me. I'd rather be dancing at a club, or even reading, lol.

[jmargel]

Most men feel the same way. If you seen one woman's body parts, you basically seen them all. Why do single men goto these places and get private dances? The same reason why married ones do. Partly because they are lonely. Single men have no one to goto, no one to interact. This provides a mean for them to do so. Some married men go because they are lonely as well. Even though they do have someone at home, constantly having 'negative' things thrown at them will make them seek apprecaition & feeling wanted somewhere else.

 

If your husband or bf is going to strip clubs alot then it is a sign. It's a sign that the relationship has problems. In all actuality this is something good, since this is a warning sign. That no deal-breakers have happened yet. No cheating has occured.

 

Same goes for women. If the man is constantly harping on her and treating her bad emotionally, the walls will go up and she will seek comfort somewhere else. Anyone who lives without the feeling of appreciation and love will seek it somewhere else. It's our natural instinct to protect ourselves both physically and emotionally. Why put up with such torment the rest of your life when there is no reason to?

 

Also, there seems to be a stereotype about strippers. They are not the bad one here. In fact alot of strippers are good people. There are alot of worse people out there that aren't strippers. Alot of them do this to pay their way through school, while others were either forced to do this or go homeless. I find it strange and sadened that people look down on them. Especially since they are just trying to make a living.

 

Most strippers get $1 per lap dance. Imagine yourself topless and in a thong dancing on a lap of a guy who's 60 years old, especially when you are like 25. Imagine not having any sort of good relationship with a guy because no guy is going to want to date a stripper. These girls don't smile while dancing, and when they do you know it's fake. It's a routine for them. They lose alot of respect for themselves as well.

 

Plus, in all reality an investment of time & money into a 4 year college degree doesn't guarantee you ANYTHING. Not in this day of age when businesses are moving overseas, and getting away to paying the average college grad. something only a little above minimum wage.

 

Not sure about the other guys, but what I remember most was the smile I got from the girl who gave me a hug before she left. Not what her body looked like. Remember these girls don't get any encouragement from being able to do other things in life besides dancing. They also know that it's only a matter of time before their body changes and they are no longer able to be dancer material.

 

A strip joint is not really that erotic. How can it be when there are a 100 other men getting the same kind of treatment as you? That should really show you how much a guy must be missing in his relationship for him to goto one of these places all the time. A little bit of intimacy in a relationship can go a long way. Couples often get too comfortable with one another and unfortunetly take each other for granted. This is one of the things that happen without even knowing it's happened before it's too late.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by jmargel

Most men feel the same way. If you seen one woman's body parts, you basically seen them all. Why do single men goto these places and get private dances? The same reason why married ones do. Partly because they are lonely. Single men have no one to goto, no one to interact. This provides a mean for them to do so. Some married men go because they are lonely as well. Even though they do have someone at home, constantly

I'm glad you qualified "most" but how do you know that? Did you find a study that was done on this? Or is this your opinion based on you and your friends? I'm just curious--not trying to argue. If it was a study I'd like to look at it.

 

If your husband or bf is going to strip clubs alot then it is a sign. It's a sign that the relationship has problems. In all actuality this is something good, since this is a warning sign. That no deal-breakers have happened yet. No cheating has occured.

Attending strip-clubs IS a deal-breaker for some people though.

 

Same goes for women. If the man is constantly harping on her and treating her bad emotionally, the walls will go up and she will seek comfort somewhere else. Anyone who lives without the feeling of appreciation and love will seek it somewhere else. It's our natural instinct to protect ourselves both physically and emotionally. Why put up with such torment the rest of your life when there is no reason to?

Sometimes people will seek it elsewhere, but many times people will seek their own appreciation and not need that of others. Or they will divert their 'romantic' energy toward other pursuits such as career or volunteer work, or children. That is what I did. That is what a lot of couples do. Bury themselves in work or other commitments. An unfulfilling home life does not guarantee cheating or going out to strip clubs.

 

Also, there seems to be a stereotype about strippers. They are not the bad one here. In fact alot of strippers are good people. There are alot of worse people out there that aren't strippers. Alot of them do this to pay their way through school, while others were either forced to do this or go homeless. I find it strange and sadened that people look down on them. Especially since they are just trying to make a living.

There will always be people who will look down on stripping. That's their opinion---I wouldn't let it sadden you. There is a pecking order in most jobs. When I was in college I worked as a secretary. Or "Just a secretary" which really burned my biscuits! I was not always respected, and I was often treated like I was too stupid to have a job that used brains (I once heard someone comment: If she could THINK she wouldn't be a secretary). Those folks can have their opinion too --- plenty of them couldn't handle a good secretaries job!

 

I talked to her a little and said 'You must hate guys by now' and she said 'basically I have no trust in them, I've been dancing for 10 years and it feels like 20'. I could only imagine what she's been through, since the look she gave me was of destitude. My brother told her I was getting married and she said my fiancee was lucky. I then told her she will find the right one eventually, which then she hugged me. Yes, she chose this profession in life but in reality the dancers really don't get enjoyment out of doing this.

I think its interesting you said this in an earlier post. I imagine there are some strippers who love the life.

 

Most strippers get $1 per lap dance. Imagine yourself topless and in a thong dancing on a lap of a guy who's 60 years old, especially when you are like 25. Imagine not having any sort of good relationship with a guy because no guy is going to want to date a stripper. These girls don't smile while dancing, and when they do you know it's fake. It's a routine for them. They lose alot of respect for themselves as well.

Man! That sounds like a crappy and depressing strip club! The lawyer I worked for years ago married a stripper. She used to enjoy dancing and didn't give it up after she was married (until she got pregnant and her husband was making enough for her to retire) and she was always laughing and smiling and talking about her friends and their romances/spouses (friends were strippers too) and how much fun they had at work. It does seem like there was always a goodly number of strippers who came and went pretty fast too though. Maybe they were the ones who were not happy.

 

 

Plus, in all reality an investment of time & money into a 4 year college degree doesn't guarantee you ANYTHING. Not in this day of age when businesses are moving overseas, and getting away to paying the average college grad. something only a little above minimum wage.

A Big AMEN from this agnostic on that statement! College isn't always the answer.

 

Not sure about the other guys, but what I remember most was the smile I got from the girl who gave me a hug before she left. Not what her body looked like. Remember these girls don't get any encouragement from being able to do other things in life besides dancing. They also know that it's only a matter of time before their body changes and they are no longer able to be dancer material.

SOME. Some of these girls don't get any encouragement. Dancing is an art too and a good stripper isn't just someone who can jiggle to the beat and flash a beaver! Its like any job -- it's up to the individual to take it to a career position. A stripper in a second-rate club can work her way to the better clubs and possibly performance on stage in better theaters--more dancing than stripping. I think that is probably the minority though.

 

A strip joint is not really that erotic. How can it be when there are a 100 other men getting the same kind of treatment as you? That should really show you how much a guy must be missing in his relationship for him to goto one of these places all the time.

 

A guy in a committed relationship that goes to strip clubs all the time either has an understanding wife that doesn't care, or likes how the strip clubs can stir her man to perform with her; or the man doesn't care about his wife; or as you said, is missing something in his relationship.

 

Or

Some men are just jerks. It's no more complicated than that.

[jmargel]

I'm glad you qualified "most" but how do you know that? Did you find a study that was done on this? Or is this your opinion based on you and your friends? I'm just curious--not trying to argue. If it was a study I'd like to look at it.

 

Nope, didn't do a study. It's an observation of all my friends, and their friends as well as the threads on here.

 

Attending strip-clubs IS a deal-breaker for some people though

 

That's due to the other spouse assuming their spouse might cheat, or disrespecting them because they see dancers. Insecurity also plays a big part in this, with the other spouse wanting to goto a strip club or watch porn. Nothing is wrong with it, as along as it's done in moderation. Otherwise it becomes an insecurity and control issue.

 

Sometimes people will seek it elsewhere, but many times people will seek their own appreciation and not need that of others.

If you are in a truly comitted, loving & respectful relationship one should not have to goto another person to seek the appreciation they are deserved. I'm talking about the appreciation one has with their wife/husband.

 

Or they will divert their 'romantic' energy toward other pursuits such as career or volunteer work, or children. That is what I did. That is what a lot of couples do. Bury themselves in work or other commitments. An unfulfilling home life does not guarantee cheating or going out to strip clubs.

True, but over a period of time this energy will manifest itself to finding someone else or leaving their spouse. It may take years for some couples, but the percentage of spouses that stay together in an unfullfilled relationship are pretty low. That's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

There will always be people who will look down on stripping. That's their opinion---I wouldn't let it sadden you. There is a pecking order in most jobs. When I was in college I worked as a secretary. Or "Just a secretary" which really burned my biscuits! I was not always respected, and I was often treated like I was too stupid to have a job that used brains (I once heard someone comment: If she could THINK she wouldn't be a secretary). Those folks can have their opinion too --- plenty of them couldn't handle a good secretaries job!

 

Yes there will always be those people, but alot of strippers are referred to as 'sluts' or someone with no morals. You can't put on your resume that you were a dancer, like you could being a secretary. I'm sure alot of those dancers would love to have a normal life and not feel like a piece of meat.

 

I think its interesting you said this in an earlier post. I imagine there are some strippers who love the life.

Possibily, but imagine doing this for even just a year. It would get old pretty fast. The dancer I talked to, has been doing it for 10 years and I can tell from her & just the others they were getting no enjoyment out of it. To them it was a job. I would imagine over a long time, the feeling of being degraded would just pass and they would just become numb to feeling very much else.

 

How many men here would date a stripper? Not very many, and the ones that do are probably out for one thing only.

 

 

Some men are just jerks. It's no more complicated than that

 

That should be changed to:

Some men AND women are just jerks. It's no more complicated than that.

 

But for the most part like I said before there are underlying issues. Treat the issue, not the topic. Get to the source on WHY it's happening.

[deesgirl]

Going to strip clubs because something is wrong in the marriage is not a logical answer to me. Instead of putting the time and money in that, he should be talking it out with his wife. Why would all this positive female attention mean anything if he is paying her for it? Does it make the problems go away?

 

I am one that does think strip clubs are cheating. There are plenty of clubs that DO let the men touch, but even if they don't the strippers can usually touch the men. That's not even considering 'extras'. If I'm having trouble in my marriage, I would consider it cheating to go pay another man to rub their body all over mine and touch me, so why would it be not cheating for my H to do it?

 

In my personal experience the guys that go to strip clubs aren't in bad relationships. I think some men just aren't happy with one woman. Maybe they can justify strip clubs as not cheating because of the exchange of money.

 

I think it makes some older men feel younger to have a 20 yr. old gringing in their lap and showing them attention. It's just sickening to me. There are plenty of gf/wives that are free with affection and sex, stay in shape, and show their men that they are crazy about them. Guess what? The guys still want the strippers.

 

I understand that you are saying there is an underlying problem, but couldn't we say that with any cheating? I don't think it's right for a woman to start an emotional affair with a man because she isn't happy with something at home. Who is to blame for that, H or wife? Wife because it should be worked through with her H. Do you think if she showed all that attention that she's giving another man to her H, flirted with him, and had that look of admiration in her eyes it might spice up her marriage? I look at strip clubs the same way. Watch your wife like she's the hottest woman in the world. Flirt and put her in your lap, instead of some stripper.

 

You say that your fiance didn't mind the strip club. I wonder how she would have felt if you, instead, told her that you were going to play poker (or whatever your hobbies are) with the guys instead of going to pay strippers. That she is the hottest woman TO YOU and you had no need for strippers. Do you think she would have been on cloud 9, even though she said she didn't mind you going? I think it would be something she would never forget without a smile. It's always fun to think of the guy you love paying another woman for a grind. Great memory.

[jmargel]

Why would all this positive female attention mean anything if he is paying her for it? Does it make the problems go away?

 

For the common man, it wouldn't. But I am talking about the men who are lacking quite a bit in their relationship. Believe it or not, alot of men are. A guy knows he's paying for it, but while he's getting that lap dance he temporarily forgets that. He's caught up in the moment of being flattered. And no it doesn't make the problems go away. Like I said before, it's a warning sign that other things could happen in the future.

 

 

There are plenty of clubs that DO let the men touch, but even if they don't the strippers can usually touch the men. That's not even considering 'extras'

 

Majority of the strip clubs do NOT allow the man to touch the girl. If the girl is on top of him, he might put his hand on her outer leg, but I'm talking about private parts, etc. If a guy is found touching, rubbing or implying sexual things to a stripper he is thrown out. You should actually goto one. You will see it's a very civil place. Guys aren't yelling, screaming or cat calling these women. Most strippers won't touch a guy's private parts. As for extras? I would assume you mean prosititution. This does happen, but the club always gets closed down in the end.

 

I think it makes some older men feel younger to have a 20 yr. old gringing in their lap and showing them attention. It's just sickening to me. There are plenty of gf/wives that are free with affection and sex, stay in shape, and show their men that they are crazy about them. Guess what? The guys still want the strippers.

Yep, I agree. I saw older guys there and it was gross. The girls don't care for them either. You can tell they just wanted to get those lap dances out of the way. My opinion is that seeing strippers in itself is not cheating. To some, dancing is an art. Some of those girls are very good dancers, and in not a perverse sort of way, even though they are naked. It's not like they are fingering themselves on stage. I've actually noticed quite a few couples in the strip club together. It's only cheating when you try to touch, rub or ask for sexual favors from a dancer (IMO).

 

Who is to blame for that, H or wife? Wife because it should be worked through with her H. Do you think if she showed all that attention that she's giving another man to her H, flirted with him, and had that look of admiration in her eyes it might spice up her marriage?

Yes that's cheating, however even though it's not an excuse there are alot of relationships that lack communication, which then turn into an emotional abuse & neglect. In a relationship during a month's time, where there are for example, 25 days of 'cold' feelings (ie. argueing, not apprecaiting the other, not showing the love they deserve) that is just as bad as cheating.

 

Like I said before, the lack or the ability to have GOOD communication between two people is a very big contributing factor to having affairs, cheating, etc.. Most people don't even know this is the main issue, but they try to deal with the topics instead. Instead of stopping him from going to the strip club, or stopping her from flirting with another man, how about trying to find out WHY this is happening. Because even if you get them to stop, it will only be temporary, unless you deal with the root of the problem (ie. the issues) A counselor will help you get to the issue. And there's a good chance you would never come up with the reason without help from a counselor.

 

 

You say that your fiance didn't mind the strip club. I wonder how she would have felt if you, instead, told her that you were going to play poker (or whatever your hobbies are) with the guys instead of going to pay strippers. That she is the hottest woman TO YOU and you had no need for strippers. Do you think she would have been on cloud 9, even though she said she didn't mind you going? I think it would be something she would never forget without a smile. It's always fun to think of the guy you love paying another woman for a grind. Great memory.

 

I tell her every single day how beautiful she is and how much I love her. In fact at times she tells me I tell her too much. I also told her if she did not want me to go, I wouldn't. She truly doesn't mind that I went, and she's not hurt by it. The same with my brother's wife, her reaction was 'Oh, he's coming home to me, that's what matters. I trust him'. I've actually gone to a strip club with my fiancee, and it was her idea to. She knows what they are like. And since it was a bachelor's party it was upto the best man on where we went. At least that's what tradition is.

 

Basically this is my point of view: If a woman forbids her man to watch porn, or goto a strip club now & then, then there is something wrong in that the woman has either a jealously problem, a trust issue or insecurity. Same goes for a man.

 

If a man constantly goes to a strip club, obessed with porn (to the point where he doesnt want sex with his wife) then it's a sign that something is very wrong. And the problems isn't all necessarily with him. Same goes for a man, if a woman does this, or is flirting with other guys it's a sign there is something wrong in the relationship on BOTH ends, which usually starts with a lack or ability to have good communication.

[Oddone]

Strip clubs ... hmmmmm.... there's a sore subject for lots of couples. Good job opening this can of worms LOL. I think we're talking about a couple of separate issues here and just one of them is why men got o strip clubs. I went to strip clubs when I was younger (I'm almost 40 now) because there were naked girls there (plain and simple). I must say as I got older, it really became less of a visual appeal and draw. Usually we would go as a group of men (sometimes women would join us cause that apparently was acool thing to do??) Nie times out of ten you seren't even looking at the stage you were talking to the guy next to you and male bonding with them.

 

I always found it more interesting to analyze the other men that were there. There were always the perverts row guys, either the drunk college guys tearing up the town or the really creepy looking quiet guy that sat over to one side ( what the hell was his problem? ). Seriously though, I am sure there were guys there who were "escaping" from their SO cause the relationship sucked but from my perspective, there were mostly guys in small to large groups hanging out, talking and occasionally looking at naked women because they could and it was allowed. There were also some serious pervs who couldn't take their eyes off the ladies too (point is there were I'm sure various reasons why people were there).

 

As for relationships, I am separated and moving towards divorce and during my marriage as it degenerated, I never looked to strip clubs for escape or to find a substitute for anything missing in my life. I think the original poster was right in that you have to look back before issues like "why is he going to strip clubs" ... or "why did I gain weight (men do to by the way)" etc... and really ask yourself honestly what changed. Deal with that core problem and try to avoid debate and conflict about the symptoms or "topics" as someone described them.

 

Strip clubs, golf course, work, under the hood of your car ..whatever or where ever you find yourself sititng and avoiding the real issues that have driven you apart from your SO, find it in your heart to keep searching for answers, being flexible and accomodating each other's needs. Otherwise, you'll wake up 12 years later and tell yourself "I just can't do this anymore" while you stare across at a wife or husband who has become a stranger to you.

 

Good luck to all.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

You can be with someone, live with someone and still be alone.

 

 

I think this is the most insightful part of your entire post. Well put. In addition, one can be single, live alone, and still be surrounded by love and thus un-lonely.