Serious problems causing hurt and separation

[evergreatful]

Thanks for reading! I am sorry if this gets long.

 

Ok where to begin. I have been dating my girlfriend for just over 2 years now. She talks about marrying me and having children. By the way we are both 21 and entering senior year of college. She wants to move in together immediately after college. We have spent a lot of time together(almost too much) and have basically been attached at the hip for two years.

 

Ok now for the problems. Allthough my love for her is very stong, I have SERIOUS issues with her family and she has issues with mine. We come from very different backgrounds. Now that we are getting older and serious about living together I have had second thoughts. Again I love and do not want to hurt her but I see these family issues causing huge problems down the road.

 

The family problem is this. I come from a large stereotypical Sicilian-American family. She comes from a small quiet family. My family is extemely important to me and huge loud family dinners with cases of wine and moms eggplant are what make life worth living. She in INCREDIBLY uncomfortable around my family. She is quiet and basically very rude around them. She is a VERY picky eater and most often will not eat. During a visit with my aunt she stood distant and mouthed "lets go now!" until we left. They have done nothing but try and include her but she continues to pull away. My mother used to call and email her all time. She openly dislikes my mother and sister makes horrible comments about them in front of me. On a trip to visit my sister the two of them got into a huge fight and now don't speak. I'm sure its hard to be involved with someone who is basically obsessed with his family but this is how I was raised and is all I know.

 

Now for her family. I spend a lot of weekends at her house and have never been more uncomfortable. Lately by Satuday night I have a panic attack and have to leave. Her family is very sloppy and the disorder of the house makes me very uneasy. They also do not eat together or do anything together so how I am is completely foreign to her and them. No one really talks or interacts, they just sit and watch TV in silence. At easter dinner the drive to the restaurant with them was beyond awkward silence as was the meal. I've been seeing her for two years and I don't think her father even knows my name. It's just hard because these would be the grandparents of my children. Her mother is nothing but nice to me, but I am still unconfortable and feel like we have nothing in common.

 

Anyway, the last time we saw my mother, she was so rude that when we left I lost my temper and told her I can't be with her if she is going to act this way. She left crying. I told her that her attitude towards my family has been very hard the past two years. So now our relationship is basically in limbo and it's up to me whether to continue it.

 

I feel like I have pushed a lot of people out of my life and avoided a lot of functions just to cater to her. I have avoided our families meeting because it will be incredibly awkward. I really feel like she can't accept me and my family. Alltough I do not care for hers I am very polite and courteous around them.

 

Any thoughts will help greatly. This has me very confused. I know this sounds like a "My big fat greek wedding" sort of thing but I had to leave a lot of details out to keep this short.

[evergreatful]

I just want to add that she wants to elope and have no one present and I want to have a traditional wedding with the family.

[Kate]

in all honesty, you are at the forefront of your problems. they haven't even begun yet. i have learned the very hard way, but TRUE way, that family background and values will dictate the way your siginifcant other treats others, most importantly YOU.

 

of all of the relationships I have had, the ONLY solid one was with a guy who loved his mom, his dad respected his mom, and despite the fact that the dad drank too much and the mother was controlling and loud, they acted as a FAMILY. no one turned their back on another, they openly included me in family events, they were open and non-judgemental. even on the rare occasion that they got involved in an altercation with my bf and i, they always embraced me and i did the same. i would NEVER imagine disrespecting or even voicing my opinion negatively about a bf's family -- unless it was a life-threatening or very unhealthy situation.

 

your gf's situation sounds horrible. her family sounds bad. even if they are not evil people, you must realize that they are a looking glass of your future. your family is genuine, inclusive and loving. i would LOVE to have a bf with a family like that, it is sooooooo hard to find. perhaps your gf is jealous and threatened of your relationship with your family. but that is not your job to fix or make her more comfortable.

 

the guy i am dating now can't stand my mom (she is seriously annoying, nuts, even i can't be around her), but he is always respectful, looks her in the eye, is never rude. yet on another token -- what i was telling you about -- he has only a slight relationship with his dad. he doesn't know how really to have open communication in general (which is why our relationship is COMPLETELY on the rocks right now) and has had no example of what a good male role model is. this is directly affecting our relationship. generally, people with rocky family situations or those who have little or no contact with their own immediate family have issues with control and communication in general. i am just speaking from experience. i have often thought about what it would be like to marry my bf, and it's not his family that i worry about, it's HIM. he is a "good guy", but lacks all skills of communication. he is completely introverted and barely expresses himself unless i drag it out of him. i have never even met his dad, in the 8 months we have been dating and he has told me he loves me dearly. i have never spent time with his mom, just met her a few times. he doesn't care to include me in virtually anything, as he doesn't see it is important. this behavior will have a SERIOUS affect on how our children would be raised!!!! nevermind how i feel now!! as i write this, i don't know what i am even waiting for. the guy is a talker not a doer --

 

my point is, people can want and even SAY what they want their future to be like in terms of family. however, in the harsh world, you sometimes (combined with a gut feeling) must go based on their background. do they communicate with their siblings? are they close with ANYONE in their family? the only person my bf is close with is his cousin who is 22 -- my bf is 26, almost 27. besides that, he is a loner. i don't mind, but think about the kind of life he will lead later -- he can only go on what he knows!!!!! and as it is now, we are having relationship problems related to his cluelessness about relaitonships in general. and, it sounds to me like your current gf is not even respecting yours by acting this way. while it may not be her "fault" per say, be careful not to make excuses for her -- while you may feel bad, it won't change a potentially poisonous future. when you marry someone, you marry their relatives as well. i don't know that you could ever enjoy yourselves. she is not even respecting you now, and it doesn't sound like anyone has done anything to offend her, either.

[krbshappy71]

Just a two-bit opinion here, you are right to be concerned about the future with her as far as your family goes.

How about this, what if you got her some one-on-one time with your mom, sister, whomever you think she would click with the best, perhaps the scenario of a big loud dinner is a bit much for her at this time? BUT, if she got to know each person on a personal level, they would not seem so overwhelming to her?

My first instinct is to tell you to dump this chick for the way she's acting but in all fairness, you could give this a shot? Then, if she is still a completely rude person to your family, even one on on, give her the boot honey because in the end sometimes family is all we have left. Boyfriends, girlsfriends, husbands and wives can leave but family is family forever.

[evergreatful]

Thanks Kate and krb. I've decieded to end the relationship. There is a lot more to it that I couldn't add into the first post. Just things like all of the feuding, divorse, and other dirty laundry that her family has, which is way more than the average family. And how her mothers drinking is put on her which is then put on me. I have been going to therapy for the past year for generalized anxiety but I spend more time talking about my gf and her family's problems than my own. This will hurt horribly but I can't continue on if I can't see myself marying her. I honestly can't bring my grandchildren into their house. As horrible as that sounds. My grandparents (on both sides) are the love and core that keeps my family together so I want the same for my children. And I don't feel like her family would be good for them. This sucks though. She is going to be so heartbroken. She has our childrens names picked out allready. But if I can't commit to that I shouldn't stay with her and lead her on right? I really don't see myself marying her. She is obsessed with me though. ARRRRR!!! This is becoming awful. Anyway thanks again everybody.