Curious1 Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Me and my ex have not spoken since she dumped me 4 months ago. I tried to contact her about 3 months ago by phone with no response. We had a great relationship for 14 months with only 3 disagreements during that whole time. She dumped me due to my moving because of a job transfer. My question is: Should I try to contact her again? I do miss her and it would be nice to chit-chat. Nothing heavy, just how are you doing type talk. My birthday was about 3 weeks ago and I did not receive anything from her. No card, e-mail, call, nothing. I guess I just don't understand the cold heartedness. All comments and opinions appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 If you contact her you will probably cause yourself even more pain. If she really cared she would have called you, at least for your birthday. Calling her will only put you a lot of steps behind that you had already walked. Link to post Share on other sites
Curious1 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Anyother opinions? Please. Link to post Share on other sites
weweregods Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 I don't agree with the previous opinion. YOU are in charge of your emotions. YOU choose to feel pain. She can't make you feel anything that you don't want to. So, contact her. Make it small talk, happy talk! Don't mention missing her unless she says that she misses you first - and even then, keep it light! Agree with everything she has to say, even the negative stuff - this will work in your favor. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 It's true to some extent that you can control your emotions, if you're a man of steel. Usually the emotions you feel are the result of thoughts you are having about things. I tend to have lots and lots of thoughts about things, some of which I'm not completely aware of and didn't expect. You'll be thinking a LOT while you're talking to her. And I doubt you know what she's going to say, so you can't be sure what you're going to think. You have to know for sure that you don't care anymore whether she is interested in you or not. You have to be prepared for the idea that she's in love with someone else. You have to be ok with the idea that she just may not want to talk to you very much. If you're OK with all that, then sure call her up. Be her buddy and check in. On the other hand, if you cared that little, then why bother calling her? A lot of times you think you'll be just fine with that stuff, and then find out you had some expectations anyway. That can hurt. My rule is if she's an ex then she's off limits. I won't call or try to make contact no matter how curious I am. Link to post Share on other sites
weweregods Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Once again, I disagree... You can control what you are going to feel, just like you can control what you think. You don't have to be the "man of steel", just an emotionally healthy man. A man that realizes that anything he thinks is not necessarily the truth. People that tell you that you cannot control your thoughts have bought-in to the 'I'll just excuse my own actions and behavior because I couldn't control my feelings' cr@p. That is an excuse. You can control your thoughts and you can control your feelings. People like the one above will tell you that that "isn't being true to your feelings" and "don't be afraid to be weak" bull... But that is completely unreasonable. IF you don't like what you are thinking, change your thinking. If you don't like what you are feeling, change your thinking. Once you take responsibility of how you feel, things will get a lot better. I am sorry johan, but your advice is based on emotion and emotional thinking. To think that you HAVE to feel any emotion (even the unexpected ones), is robbing you of any emotional power. You have bought in to pop-psychology and it won't make you happy. The only one that can make you happy is you! Link to post Share on other sites
Blackmanx Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Don't try to contact her. She might be one of those vengeful exes like the one played by Glenn Close in FATAL ATTRACTION. If an ex suddenly wants to contact you, especially a female ex, avoid her like the plague. Take a restraining order against her, man. I tell the truth. peace. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 Thanks for the enlightenment, weweregods. Like I haven't been there. I believe you're the first perpetually happy person I've ever met. No sadness, fear, frustration, or anger for you eh? Never nervous or intimidated. You can do anything in the world with a big smile on your face. How do you handle close relatives' funerals? Just another walk in the park, I suppose. A girl leaves you and you just turn and walk off like a cat? I have to admit I'm envious. You strike me as an Ayn Rand disciple. Don't contact her, curious1. Hope you didn't. Tack a week or two onto your recovery for each time you speak with her. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 Who dumped who here? Sounds to me like you left her for a job. She probably felt that you chose the job over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 While I don't necessarily agree with all the advice you give, some of it is very good. I do have to say something about one bit of advice I see you posting in almost every thread that is making smoke fume out of my ears. You keep telling people to agree with everything their ex says, even the negative stuff, and to take all the blame for everything. That has got to be the worst advice ever and will do nothing for one's self-esteem, not to mention that their ex will have no resect for them. I see what you're trying to do with this approach and that is to throw the ex off balance, but it is advice I would never tell anyone to follow and I'm going to have to continue to disagree with you everytime you post that detail again. The best thing to do when an ex is saying bad things or wanting someone to take the blame is to stop the conversation in its tracks, get off the phone, or change the subject. Don't help such a conversation by responding to it, but don't sit there and say "it was all my fault." That's insane. Keep your dignity at all costs, people, because in the end, whether you're back with your ex or not, you still have to live with YOU. It usually takes two people to f*** things up, but it's hard to see how you both contributed to the mess until all the emotional smoke clears. Link to post Share on other sites
weweregods Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 You're right Lonstar! It takes two people to f*** things up, therefore, it was partially your fault! Even when your ex is wrong, they are always at least 20% right. You disagree with me, and that is fine, but you will find that life throws up a lot of roadblocks for those that always have to be right. A study recently at Princeton related that a whopping 87% of people surveyed would rather be right then happy... All I am advising people to do is to choose be happy! As for your self esteem, if it is healthy and fully developed, you will be able to take the blame for anything. Think of it this way: When I was in the army, my drill instructor came to me and said, "Cadet, you can't polish your shoes any better than that!" I responded, in my young and fragile egotisitcal way, "Sir, good as any other cadet, sir." That Sargent made my life a living hell from that point. BUT, if I had known then what I know now, I would have said "Sir, yes sir! I can do better!" And it would have been a much better relationship. I could do that today because I have health self-esteem and am quite a bit more mature when dealing with matters of pride. I reacted negatively to my drill sargent because I was hurt. My pride was not where it should have been. You are a strong woman, and I repect that... BUT, if you want to choose to be a strong person, you need to show your are stong by acting strong. Strong people do not react negatively to critisim, they take it for what it is worth and either apply it to their lives, or shrug it off. While I advise everyone to always agree, I am not advising everyone to always take a mate, date, or exs advice - only to agree, without telling them that you are only actually agreeing with the way that they feel. You cannot argue with the way that someone else feels, so you should just agree with it. If, for instance, your ex says "you never listen to me", then you should say, "you're right, I never listen to you, I'm sorry." What does this do? This proves your mate wrong by saying that they are right! If you NEVER list to you your ex, then how do they explain that you know eactly what they said (you can repeat it) and you even agree. It's not about being right, it's about being happy. Some new agers may say that I am encouraging people to lie, but I say that small white lies are the social lubricant of our society. Let's say my mate buys a horrible hat and asks how they look in it. I can respond that they look like crap in that hideous hat and we can both be unhappy, or I can choose to be wrong and tell them that they look beautiful and we can both be happy - and in the meanwhile, people will be looking at this horrible hat and my mate will probably ditch it; therefore, I have let society do my dirty work while I choose to be happy, secure, and wrong. As for the funeral question, I just attended my grandmother's funeral in New Orleans - we were very close. There was a zydico (sp?) band and an open bar! I have never had so much fun in my life, rejoicing in my grandmother's memory. We told funny and heartfelt stories about her. Am I going to miss her? Sure, but I am missing all the good times. So, when I start to feel sad, I remember that I miss the good times. I start thinking about the good times and I am happy again! I say, call her! BUT, keep it short and sweet. Choose to be happy, and agree! Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 No, you're not advising them to be happy, you're advising them to take all the blame. There is nothing wrong with being wrong. As I said, it takes two, but you're suggesting for the people on this site to blame it on one person... themselves. That is 100% wrong on your part. I didn't read the rest of your post, only the first paragraph. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Curious1 Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 I don't think I will call her. Like I said in my first post, I left her 2 messages on her phone 3 months ago and she never responded. Also, she didn't even send a simple e-mail to wish me a happy birthday which was just 3 weeks ago. If I tried, it would probably just hurt me again due to her not responding. I am just dumbfounded, after what seemed like a wonderful relationship, she can act like I never existed. Link to post Share on other sites
weweregods Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Well, sweetie, if you didn't read all the post, then you are missing out! You are acting childishly in your disagreement. And, I am not advertising anything, because I am not selling anything. You need to be right, which is exactly why happiness eludes you. Just to clarify, I have no emotional reaction to your disagreement, and yet you have expressed anger in response to my logical suggestion and rational disagreement; therefore, you need to examine your emotional maturity level. Link to post Share on other sites
weweregods Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Also, I would like to add that your not reading the entirity of my post only illustrates your immature behavior. Your counter argument equates to, "I am just right, I am right, deal with it... I don't want to think for one second that you might be right, or that we both might be a little right and a little wrong because I WANT to be right!" If this is the way you, or anyone else, approached a disagreement with your mate, date, or ex, it's no wonder that you are having these problems... Sorry to have to say so, but you have clearly demonstrated this... Link to post Share on other sites
Curious1 Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 By the way, I will not take blame by anyone where it is not due. If I have caused a problem then I will take the blame, otherwise, I will not be anyone's doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
Pharmboy Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Weweregods, And you are here because????? I guess your relationship was perfect? What, was there nothing on TV so you decided to come visit us mere motals and enlighten us misguided souls with your wisdom? Just a little narci aren't ya? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 I don't think I will call her. Like I said in my first post, I left her 2 messages on her phone 3 months ago and she never responded. Also, she didn't even send a simple e-mail to wish me a happy birthday which was just 3 weeks ago. If I tried, it would probably just hurt me again due to her not responding. I am just dumbfounded, after what seemed like a wonderful relationship, she can act like I never existed. Yeah, Curious1, that's the tough part. Try to remember it's for the best. She may not remember it as having been as wonderful as you do. You just have to figure that if she didn't appreciate it, that doesn't mean you have to change anything. She just wasn't the right one. Not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 LMFAO! hehehe, man are you irate right now because I didn't waste my time reading the rest of your post! I knew from the first paragraph that the rest of it was just ornate spew. You're feeling a little bit disrespected, eh weweregods? ;-) You need to be right, which is exactly why happiness eludes you. Just to clarify, I have no emotional reaction to your disagreement, and yet you have expressed anger in response to my logical suggestion and rational disagreement it's no wonder that you are having these problems... Sorry to have to say so, but you have clearly demonstrated this... First off, please put down the thesaurus. I'm not impressed with the spread of your vocabulary. I'm peeing my pants right now over "logical suggestion and rational disagreement." I'm also not angry in the slightest bit. I don't care if you agree with me or not, and I don't care if you debate with me until the sun shines on the Coppertone baby's ass. I'm not angry now and I won't be angry then. As far as no emotional reaction on your end, honey (since you called me sweetie, I guess we're on an intimate level now), you need to read your post from a third party point of view. It' a tad bit emotional. Just a tad. You're so emotional, you had to post back to me twice. Bwahahaha OMG I'm lauging so hard now... And unfortunately, your attempt to smack me down with "happiness eluding me" and "having problems" fell short of causing any pain. I'm very happy with my life, my job, my family, my self-esteem, my financial success, and my love life. I'm one of the few people here who did get a second chance, which is working out pretty gosh darn fabulous. ::smoooch::: Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Originally posted by Curious1 By the way, I will not take blame by anyone where it is not due. If I have caused a problem then I will take the blame, otherwise, I will not be anyone's doormat. Exactly. And I think you're right not to call her again. You tried and she didn't respond. Sorry your post has been hijacked somewhat, but to add my 2 cents .... As for your self esteem, if it is healthy and fully developed, you will be able to take the blame for anything. Utter garbage. If you have a healthy self-esteem of course you recognise your faults but you most certainly do not take the blame for anything. You have the courage to stand up for yourself if you are being blamed for something that is not your fault, even at the risk of conflict & some short term "unhappiness". Every healthy relationship will experience conflict & every happy loving couple will argue from time to time. therefore, I have let society do my dirty work while I choose to be happy, secure, and wrong. And your mate thinks you're a lousy friend for lying to him & can no longer trust you because you are a coward who avoids even the potential for conflict because you want to be "happy" all the time. If I like my mate I would most certainly tell them that I think they are making themself look foolish in that stupid hat. If they didn't want my honest opinion they wouldn't ask for it and my real friends respect my honest opinions, whether they agree with them or not. My short term happiness isn't so important to me that I will lie to my friends & partner. You cannot argue with the way that someone else feels, so you should just agree with it. Understanding the way someone feels does not equate to agreeing with or taking the blame for the cause of those feelings. "You don't love me because you worked so late all of last week & I was left alone!" "Yes, that is right. I don't love you and that is why I spent all of my time at work last week." is different from "I understand that you don't like to be alone & you feel that I am neglecting you but I had an important deadline to meet last week & now the project is finished I'll be able to spend more time with you." Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Who was it that said "Unconditional love does not mean unconditional crap consumption."? Link to post Share on other sites
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