If we are broken up, why does he still tell me he loves me?

[Afool4him]

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Hi all! I hope that you guys can really help me figure this out. My BF & I were together for almost 7 years, living together for the past 2. I first met him when I was 19 & he was 20. I was a virgin, he was not. At that point in my life I wanted to wait to have sex. We were together for 2 months & he moved on. And so did I. I was in college living the paty life (and losing my virginity) , in the meantime he went to jail for 4 years. During the first year he had tried to contact me numerous times, but I ignored him. Finally one day, after one failed realtionship after another, I decided to get in touch with him. The rest is history. Because he was locked up we got to know each other pretty well, mentally & emotionally. Although we were from two different worlds, there was a certain "spark" between us. We both have tons of letters written to each other, but I never really thought it would work until he came home. In 2002 he got paroled to my house and we began living together. It was like a fairytale. Every day was an adventure & living with someone really changes a lot. We were saving up to get married cause he always told me that he wanted to marry me and could not stand the thought of ever losing me. Although he was in between jobs, I was able to support ourselves by constantly working. I never thought any less of him, I just knew that because of his record he would have a hard time finding a job that he would like. And everyone though we were the perfect couple, his family LOVES me & were so happy that I was brought into his life. And we were happy that we had found each other. I even allowed his brother, who had been kicked out of his home, to come & live with us.

 

So we lived happily until this past August. I helped him get his license by teaching him how to drive, worst mistake ever. After he got his license he used to go out more & more, taking my car (which I always referred to as OURS). He started just going out on weekends, and then it went to 4 days a week. After I begged him to spend more time with because he was starting to lose me, he did, as he said he didn't know what he would do without me & that he wanted to marry me. He even bought us the "Men are from Mars..." book. This worked fine for a week, and then it went back to the same old thing. I tried to deal with it as he told me he just wanted to have some freedom cause he was locked up for so many years. But when going out turned into staying out I had to draw the line. On Halloween I told him that we couldn't be together cause he was not appreciating the relationship & was not respecting me. He was angry, punching walls, but then he asked me to take him to his mom's house. He left with a bag of clothes.

 

He called 2 hours later (when I wasn't home) and had asked his brother to talk to me cause he wanted to come back & work on the realtionship. Because his brother couldn't get in touch with me I was not aware til later that night. Thsi is when I founf out that he was moving in with this girl a "friend" that I had known he was hanign out with. He wanted to switch his parole & wanted me to pack all of his stuff & drop it off at his new home. After hours of crying I did so, when I saw him, there was not a tear in my eye. I gave him his things & he said he wanted to still be "friends." Within that week he was already calling me telling me he loved me & missed me. I even saw him once & it was like old times, like we were together again, he was holding my hand & hugging & kissing me, & just telling me that we would die together cause we would be together again in the future he just needed "time."

He told me that even if I moved on & was with someone else he would take me away from them cause we are meant to be together. Last week he told his brother that he wanted to come back home cause he missed me. HE called me & told me that he missed me & loved me, but he still has not come back & has not even mentioned anything about that to his brother. When his brother invites him over he says he has other plans. I know he is with this girl, but she is bad news. She has a crazy lifestyle with drugs & alcohol & a child (we have no kids). I have heard stories about her being promisucuous & using men & then leaving them. He even called me this past Saturday looking for his brother & then gently slipping in that he loved me. I know that I should move on & have no contact with him, but how do I do that when I know he is the one I am meant to be with. And if HE has moved on, why is he still holding on to me. Does he want me around "just in case" this relationship doesn't work out? Why does he still tell me he loves me & misses me? Why does he try to get my hopes up, is it cause he knows he can? I know I am not the only one out there gtting mixed signals. Does anyone see us being together again in the future? IF ANYONE CAN HELP ME I WOULD APPRECIATE IT...CAUSE I JUST CAN'T LET GO!

[Merin]

Well, I'm so sorry you're going through this..

 

You know, I hate to say this.. but you're really enabling him to continue to behave in an irresponsible manner.

 

You've been supporting the both of you and making the excuse that he can't find a job he "likes" because of his past record and parole status.. the thing is this.. there are a lot of people that work at jobs they don't "like" and yeah that includes ex-cons.

 

You taught him how to drive.. okay cool.. BUT you also made it okie dokie for him to take your car and run around in it as he wished and then allowed him to use the fact that he was locked up as his excuse for his behaviour again.

 

Fact is.. he got locked up because of something HE did to begin with. Now he is using it as an excuse to do nothing better with his life.

 

He's moved in with some other girl now.. and again you're taking it upon yourself to worry about HIS choices, because you've heard she is trouble etc.. fact remains here.. he is an adult, and it's his choice.. let him take responsibility for that decision.. whatever the consequences may be.

 

As long as you make his sh*tty choices all okay for him, he will continue to take zero responsibility for anything he does.

 

Time for some tough love for him.. he needs to get his sh*t together and be a man who is going to treat you right and enrich your life.. or he needs to go the hell away.

 

Hang in there

[Afool4him]

Thank you so much!! I totally see what you are saying..I know that I always feel like I have to protect him & I always make excuses for him...but now that I am given him space, why does he still call me to tell me he loves & misses me? And if he can't be a man @ 26 when will he be a man?

[helena abadi]

Merin is right. You are worrying too much about his choices in life, and not enough about your own. You have been rescuing him for too long. Put out the lifeboat for your own life. He has demonstrated clearly he is not good enough for you, and has abused the relationship on an unacceptable level. Protect your own life with as much energy as you put into his. Sounds as though he does love you, but as the song goes, sometimes love ain't enough. And he doesn't sound mature for his age. When you know someone really well and have a history together, it's hard to let go. But think of this, if he's acting like this in five years time, the way he's acting today, your life will be a living hell. Is that what you really deserve? Get some support and counselling for yourself, keep him out of contact.

[Afool4him]

thank you all so much for your responses, I realize that advised from people is the best way to get over a break up, or time apart...I think that this is really the absolute best medicine to relieve a broken heart. It is so appreciated that you guys can take the time out of your busy lives to help people in need...for this i will be forever grateful...and I'll keep you guys posted to let you know if he grows up...Just a word of advised for all you men and women out there that have a good significant other...Do not let them go, cause believe me, good men & women are very hard to find and you will miss them when they are gone...and if you have a good significant other & people tell you that you do, WAKE UP & realize what you have!!

 

My last question to you guys, How do u get over the hope that he will come back?

[Weird]

I agree with Merin. You should be somewhat thankful you don't have this guy with you anymore because he hasn't grown up and doubt he will.

[helena abadi]

How do you get over wanting him back? Tell yourself accepting and positive statements over and over. We are what we create.

 

It is what it is. Now take a step forward, not back.

 

People say time heals all wounds, but it's what you do with the time that counts.

 

Don't burn daylight (as Dr Phil McGraw says) and look after Number One first, and that's you. Sounds as tho you haven't done that for a long time, and you need to get in some practice. If you have issues about rescuing people and are unable to give your own needs priority, get counselling. Talking to a professional really does help.