shock! perfect match - dumped in minutes

[magpie24]

Hi guys,

 

I need some pointers here. History Steve and I (now my ex) dated for 8 months. We were friends for a year prior to that. He was dating so was I. Wasnt right time. Year later he called unexpectidly. He was thinking about me every day .... and he was ready to be mine if I would still want him. We knew we liked each other but both were dating.

 

We dated for 8 month. Six of them were a long distance. He never cheated on me and has spend every waking possible moment with me. I was "the one for him", "in two years I want to start my life with you, when i am done with school", "wish you were my first", and " the best thing that ever happend to him".....

 

We never fought. We talked a lot and it never got to an argument cuz everything got resolved. I was the only one who has ever met his family, both grandmas from different states, his parents had me call them mom and dad and the family though I was just gonna be there forever. So did I. I loved him unconditionally.

 

A week of christmas , he seemed cranky, on christmas his family showered me with gifts and he seemed upset almost that I got that much. Day after he helped me all day to move me out of my apartament. His was fine, happy , telling me he loves me.... blah blah blah..... next week, everyday something came up...which was understandable, he has a busy schedule, we planned to spend the new years together and friday before too. Thursday he calls and says he cant make it, his best friends car breaks down and he has to help him get to work downtown, he wont be home till 2 am..... I will see you tomorrow for sure. Next day calls me twice to tell me he is coming and that he loves me.

 

he showes up at my front door friday .... sad .... i ask whats wrong

 

he says we gotta talk.... I talked to my ex last night, things got explained , I still have feelings for her WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????/

 

Breaks up with me emotionless, starts crying with no tears going down his face., I tell him to leave cuz i am shocked , call him back tell him I need answers half hour later, he cames back.... he just listens. Tells me he isnt even sure if he is going to date her.....THEN WHy break up with me...

 

I am so confused, I feel like the whole time he was saying he loves me , he didnt.... whats going. on.

 

I wrote a letter , told him its for me , gave it to him and said that at least he owes me is for me to be listend to. he takes it and I leave. Does he read it? Its been a week, no contact no calls, nothing.

 

Can he just forgiet what just happened for past 8 month, leading me and his family on thinking I am there to stay.

 

What do I do now... how do I trust again... how do I get over someone I saw myself having kids with and marrying them... how do I love again....

 

please help , ask , just advice....

 

Mags

[midori]

Hi Maggie,

 

I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I've had this done to me not once, but twice. It is a terrible thing to deal with, and I don't know that there is a universal formula that will work for everyone in this unhappy position, but I'll tell you what I've learned.

 

For background, both exes who did this did so after having said that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me, have children, etc. They were very different guys in many important ways (like to think I learn after getting burned -- at least I thought I had!), but on the other hand, I knew well before the shocking break-up that each of them had deep-rooted issues that informed their worldview in some unhealthy ways, particularly when it came to love. Both had difficulty believing that love could last, both were "in-love" junkies who were after the high that comes in the first months of being with someone. Etc. In short, and in retrospect, both would have been bad bets in the long run, and I recognize that I'm truly better off without either of them.

 

I think that in both cases, the sudden break-up, utter lack of meaningful explanation, and subsequent entanglement with women who proved to be bad choices for them (as might be the case with your guy and his ex) was a way to distance themselves from me. When you have a great relationship with someone, rarely fight, truly enjoy their company, etc., it's hard to end a relationship. Especially if you know that they don't want to, and especially if you can't really articulate why you need to end it.

 

The point is, when someone behaves with such inconsistency and callousness, you can be pretty sure that the problems lie with them, not with you. I'm not saying that to make you feel better about yourself. I'm not going to tell you, "don't worry, you're free now to find someone better for you." I mean, you are, and you will, but I know how meaningless those words are when you've been blindsided like you have been.

 

You weren't deluded, you did have a wonderful relationship with him. Is it possible that he got into a relationship with you still having unresolved issues with his ex? Sure. Could they be surfacing now? Sure. Does that invalidate what was between the two of you -- not at all. I think all you can be sure of right now is that for some reason he isn't ready to be in the relationship that the two of you had. Maybe he never will be. As you process things, you'll probably slowly discover that there were warning signs. I mean, no one's perfect, I'm sure there were things about him that you were turning a blind eye to because you loved him. Maybe you need to examine those things more closely now.

 

For example, you say that after eight months of dating he declared that he was thinking he'd want to spend the rest of his life with you. You say he's still in school, so the two of you are, what, in your early twenties at most? When you think about it, does that sound a little over the top? I find that people who aren't very in touch with themselves say things that you can't really put a lot of stock in. Both of the exes I'm referencing were prone to that, and in the case of the more recent ex, who was in the midst of getting a divorce when I met him, I dont' think he'd ever really examined the deep-rooted issues that led to his marrying a woman he was utterly unsuited for. There are a lot of things he's not willing to face -- not big, awful things, but still difficult and somewhat unpleasant. Someone who's not facing things within themselves will have a hard time being consistent with other people.

 

All I can offer you is this: go back and re-examine the assumptions you have regarding your ex's character. You can't imagine how he could have done something like this to you, it's so out of character, so cruel, so unfair to you. Well, he has done it, so it's not entirely out of character. He is capable of doing something rotten like this. In my experience, I found a measure of peace when I'd revised my fundamental understanding of my ex's character, and let go of some of the idealized views I'd been holding. People are capable of doing hurtful things, not because we deserve them, and not even necessarily because they want to hurt us. We're all capable of it, we've all hurt loved ones. And when we do so, it's hard to face them. Especially when we can't explain why.

 

My last piece of advice to you is to cease all contact with this guy. Not as a strategy to "win him over" but as a necessary response to the evidence you have: this guy clearly can't deal right now with you, with what he's done to you, or what he feels for you. You deserve answers, but he cannot give them. You deserve his support to get through this, but he cannot give it. If you keep any active ties with him, he'll stick his head ever deeper into the sand to avoid thinking about what he needs to vis a vis you. I only got an apology from the first ex who hurt me a couple of years after the fact, once he'd been involved in a damaging relationship with a woman who, by all accounts, was a witch. Only after he and I had basically severed all ties, and I held no expectations of ever getting a meaningful explanation from him, did he apologize. He never was able to explain himself. If you keep in touch with your ex, hoping that eventually he'll come around and either admit he made a terrible mistake, or at least explain to you what had happened, I can just about promise you that all you'll accomplish is prolonging your own agony about this.

 

You'll have to find the answers on your own. My best guess is that they lie within him, his past, his character. Please believe me when I say that staying away from him will be the best possible thing you can do for yourself right now.

 

Good luck. Take care, and keep posting!

[magpie24]

Thank You so much for replying with your advice. It has been a week and a half or so that I have been single. It took me about a week to stop crying, start eating and remember to breathe. I am sort of going to start from the back of your letter. I completly agree with the no contact idea. Given the timing that this happened to me....day before new years actually less then 24 hours .... I made two phone calls to him, leaving messages , being in such a shock especially tellling him that I always had bad new years and how much this one seemed to be perfect. After collecting my thoughs and making myself look a person again, I wrote a letter to him. Not yelling and screaming, but I said things that I though that both him and I needed to hear , for myself that was the best thing I have done. Since the break up was so emotionless for him and we live an hour away from each other, he never listend to me. He listened to her when things got "explained". I felt like I deserved to be heard with no expectations of a reply to what I have to say. I took the letter, a neclace that he has given her first and then gave to me saying that it was meant for me! (HA!)... put the letter in a big envelope and drove it to his house on monday after new years. I wasnt crying just sick to my stomach. I expected him to be at work.

 

It happened differently, I saw him car in front of the house ready to leave. He wasnt in it. I dont know why , but I grew the bal** to actually go up to the front door and calmly ring the doorbell. He answeard , shocked... looked like a beat down dog.... all I did was looked straight into his eyes and said "THe lease you owe me is for me to be listened to!" , I turned around and left. I was smiling on the way home. I felt powerful and happy that I had the chance to say what I felt. I dont know if he read it or threw it away with the neclace , which I gave back to him saying *it was a key .... to his heart like he said" , "If the key to your heart belongs to someone else please return it to the rightfull owner or keep it to yourself and DONT give away false promises".

 

The satisfaction of doing that was amazing. He has not made contact me with me at all. I am not going to , sometimes it is hard,, but I feel like I have nothing else to say to him.... I need to take care of myself and get myself back in the swing of things.

 

Now, the rest of your letter, I thought that you had very good advise. I am sorry that you went through this twice. We dont deserve this, but it still happenes. I have been re-examing the relationhip and I simply thing that obviously he still had feeling for her and that he isnt mature enough to have the relationhip with me. IF the timing was wrong , let it be, if the timing will ever be right I dont know.. If he were to ask me back right now, I would say no...because I dont trust him. I would question every tiny aspect of the relationship. It feels to me like I was an 8 month long rebound. He will be back, I think - but I am not waiting for him..... he is very hard to read when it comes to stuff like that .... I have learned that now... he might not have the bal** to admit that he was wrong and I know that she wont make him happy , I have met her and she just isnt a good person. Not saying that because I am better, you can just tell when someone has nothing to offer.

It will take a long timefor me to trust again. My wall of distrust has me build in again.... Before I start dating I want to make sure that I will be over him so i dont do what he did to me to the next person that will be with me.

 

I dont know thats my attitude towards it now.... what ya think?

 

Thanks again

Mags

[midori]

It sounds like you've got a pretty good grip on it, all things considered. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe, eat or sleep. I lost a lot of weight in the months after the last break-up. I couldn't sleep for a week or two after it happened, and the next few months my sleep was restless and disturbed. Not good, not good.

 

I have to say that this guy sounds terribly terribly immature. He gave you a necklace he'd given to his ex? My god. I actually can't believe you accepted it. And that he would tell you he'd given it to her. Sounds like he had some romantic b.s. to go along with it - you mentioned something about it being the "key to his heart." Blech. Sweet-talk and words of love are wonderful, but that sounds very self-involved to me.

 

I think you did very well to write the letter and take it there. And return that blasted necklace!

 

I know what you mean about feeling powerful after taking a stand for yourself. Be careful, because even though you tell yourself that you don't expect a reply from him, chances are you have strong hope hidden inside you that he will respond. I'll bet he won't. He's feeling way too guilty, and moreover is still unable to articulate to himself, let alone you, why he did what he did. Why he broke up with you, and before that why he led you down the garden path, saying all sorts of things that led you to believe he was really serious about you.

 

Well, there's one thing you know about him: nothing he says at any given point should be taken seriously. Only if he says it consistently over time is it worth bearing in mind.

 

Going back for a moment to the thing about power: what sucks the most in this situation, I think, is that you have had no voice in this decision. You weren't aware of any problems, so you certainly couldn't try to resolve them. He made a unilateral decision, coldly informed you of it, and that was the end of the matter -- as far as he was concerned. Yet, this is a big decision, a big change. You're now having to reorganize your life in a big way -- since a big part of it has departed. And you had no say in the matter, not at any point. Completely powerless to make a difference. I think that's a hard thing to come to terms with, I know it was for me.

 

It's also a good idea to take it slow in starting to date other guys. Don't force yourself into anything, but at the same time, don't pass up opportunities to socialize. Take every one of those that you can. If a guy shows interest in you, get to know him and just make it clear that you've just emerged from a hard break-up and aren't ready for anything but having a nice time with friends right now. Any decent guy will appreciate your honesty, especially if you make it clear to them that even though you're not ready to date yet, you'd like to hang out/do things. If nothing else, expanding your social circle never hurts.

 

But don't let this change how you view people overall. There are good people, people who have their share of problems, but who have basic integrity and honesty, and who won't pull crap like this, even if things dont' work out in the long run. And don't for a minute think that this happened because his ex is better in any way than you are, or that you have some glaring, awful flaws that made it easy for him to just walk away from you. This is a function of him and the deeply flawed person that he is. Not everyone is like him.

 

It will get better. The more you eliminate hope from your life -- hope about him, that is -- the sooner you'll be over him. The key does lie in his character. With my most recent ex, one of the things that made me love him was my belief that he was quite a selfless person, devoted to the well-being of his young son -- often at the expense of his personal convenience and social life. The way he has behaved since breaking up with me has shown a different side to his character, and while I dont' think he's a bad person, I see now that he wasn't as solid and worthwhile as he appeared to be -- he is selfish afterall, for one thing. My revised understanding of who he is makes me miss him less, mourn the loss less.

 

It will get better, honestly.

[magpie24]

I know that accepting the neclace seems like a completely wrong thing to do now, but then , he gave it to me on the day he said that he love me...... I said it first and it took him couple of days. Now all of it seems like complete bullsh**. What I havent mentioned in my past posts is what you and I had in common the most I think. My ex seemed a lot different too. Before him I dated a complete psycho who was abusive emotionally. I met my now ex during that relationhip and it opened my eyes that I dont need to put up with it and and gave me that extra and final push to get out of there. My ex and i dated rarely every fought and I was the only one that ever brough up anything that I though needed work on in the relationship. He would say that there was nothing wrong with everything that I said or did. I was perfect. You know even I know thats not true, I even tried to piss him off to get some sort of reaction ... haha nothing! He was just sliding on the ice along with me and obviously not telling me anything avoiding any conflicts. You need to fight, even if it is for the sake of make up sex which is fabiolous.

I completely understand when you tell me to not completly shut everyone (man) out. I do need to socialize and meet new people, I even need that now because I just moved back with my parents (which is hard on its own) and on top I moved 2 hours away from all my friends and people I hung out with. I know no one here now. The only thing that was cool in this move is that my ex school was just an hour away and not 3. Thats not the issue now. I know I am not ready to date yet , just socialize. I am starting school soon so maybe I will meet new people , if now I will work and pay off some bills.! I can have free time now to take care of myself physically and emotionally. What I do miss is that he was perfect to me physically and we had amazing sex life. I understand that I can get that again... but right now when I even think about dating anyone I feel like I am cheating on him -- and he is my ex ... why? Maybe because like you said I was left with no decision at this, just told how it is left to deal with it. The one funny thing is that I dont think I want himback as much as want an apologie. I dont expect it, dont get me wrong ... I just think if anything he would have the ba** to give me that... If he will I dont know.

 

I also feel like I am going to have some expectations now, which i lacked to have before. Unfortunatly I am the kind of a girl that will give you her all dont expect much. I am talking little romance. I am such a romantic though! I would love to be pampered, when I was with my ex I got nothing, I was so in love with him thought that he got everything handed on a silver platter and I was happy that I made him happy. Its seems sick to me now.

Thats what I mean that I need to expect more, because I do deserve it you know.

 

Thanks again for writing such elaborate letters to me, it helps me so much and u just make so much sense. You are really making a difference here for me... and thats very appreciated. Thank You for being sencere and understandable yet reasonable and truthull. Please if you can lets keep on talking . i feel like I am having a great conversation with someone so wise and someone I can learn so much from,

 

Mags

[midori]

Originally posted by magpie24

I know that accepting the neclace seems like a completely wrong thing to do now, but then , he gave it to me on the day he said that he love me...... I said it first and it took him couple of days. Now all of it seems like complete bullsh**. What I havent mentioned in my past posts is what you and I had in common the most I think. My ex seemed a lot different too. Before him I dated a complete psycho who was abusive emotionally. I met my now ex during that relationhip and it opened my eyes that I dont need to put up with it and and gave me that extra and final push to get out of there.

 

It sounds like you're well on your way to getting over this. You're seeing not only the things he was doing that should have made you think twice and ask questions, you're also seeing what your motives were for maintaining the relationship, despite these warning signs. He served a good purpose at the beginning of your relationship, by giving you the push you needed to end the abusive one you were in.

 

You should probably examine why you needed him to enter your life before you could get out of the abusvie relationship.

 

My ex and i dated rarely every fought and I was the only one that ever brough up anything that I though needed work on in the relationship. He would say that there was nothing wrong with everything that I said or did. I was perfect. You know even I know thats not true, I even tried to piss him off to get some sort of reaction ... haha nothing! He was just sliding on the ice along with me and obviously not telling me anything avoiding any conflicts. You need to fight, even if it is for the sake of make up sex which is fabiolous.

 

Yes, those were bad signs actually. Not to say that there should be lots of fighting in a good relationship, but it sounds like the two of you werent' really engaging with each other.

 

right now when I even think about dating anyone I feel like I am cheating on him -- and he is my ex ... why? Maybe because like you said I was left with no decision at this, just told how it is left to deal with it. The one funny thing is that I dont think I want himback as much as want an apologie. I dont expect it, dont get me wrong ... I just think if anything he would have the ba** to give me that... If he will I dont know.

 

Don't push yourself to date until you're ready. You might not get an apology from this ex, or it might be a half-assed apology to make himself feel better without actually acknowledging what he did. Who knows? If you can uproot that expectation and recognize that he's unlikely to fulfill it, you won't be setting youself up for disappointment.

 

I also feel like I am going to have some expectations now, which i lacked to have before. Unfortunatly I am the kind of a girl that will give you her all dont expect much. I am talking little romance. I am such a romantic though! I would love to be pampered, when I was with my ex I got nothing, I was so in love with him thought that he got everything handed on a silver platter and I was happy that I made him happy. Its seems sick to me now.

 

I think that happens when people value being in a relationship more than they value their actual experience in the relationship. If you feel you must be in a relationship, then you'll put up with a lot of nonsense. It's a hard balance, because on the one hand everyone knows that a good relationship involves compromises, that if you love someone you'll cut them some slack and be understanding, and that you're not going to keep score about who does what for whom, etc. On the other hand, if the overall pattern is you giving and giving, and not having your own needs met, then something isn't right. He should have admitted that he wasn't able to give you the things that you needed and deserved. At the same time, you should have recognized that too. I've been there. I know what it's like to be understanding of the other person's difficult circumstances, to be accommodating and sympathetic, only to find that instead of appreciating all of that, it made him feel guilty... which made him feel uncomfortable ... which made him not so happy in our relationship ....

 

I think part of the reason it feels so frustrating to be the dumpee in an out-of-the-blue, unilateral break-up, is that it's not just that he didn't allow you the opportunity to speak about the relationship, you participated in silencing yourself. Any of your friends would have told you it was messed up for him to give you the necklace he'd bought for his ex -- and to tell you that it was originally meant for his ex. You should have recognized the callousness and lack of respect his action embodied, but you turned a blind eye to it at the time. You knew there were issues, but you didn't force a discussion when you saw that he didn't reocognize any problems between the two of you. You see what I mean? I did the same things.

 

Thats what I mean that I need to expect more, because I do deserve it you know.

 

Yes, you do. If you've been in an abusive relationship, I think you might want to seek some counseling, because perhaps you have a hard time establishing for yourself what is acceptable from other people. The kind of relationship that you and I are talking about, and have experienced, is at a minimum rather exploitative. I know now that my more recent ex used me because he can't bear to be alone, he needed to be in a relationship while going through his divorce (and he jumped right into another upon breaking up with me). We participated in these relationships, we allowed ourselves to be silenced and possibly used. You should try to figure out why.

 

You are really making a difference here for me... and thats very appreciated. Thank You for being sencere and understandable yet reasonable and truthull. Please if you can lets keep on talking . i feel like I am having a great conversation with someone so wise and someone I can learn so much from,

 

 

I'm glad this is useful for you, it's useful for me to articulate the things I've been figuring out for myself. I'm definitely not wise though! Maybe a little bit wiser than I was before, but the fact that I've now been through two such relationships just goes to show you how you can think you've got things figured out, but then fall right back into the same hole again!

[KaiaMahina]

Midori, I must commend you for your posts to magpie -- magnificent!

 

My latest ex was one of those gentlemen you discussed who make a brutal unilateral decision to break up with no previous warning and protestations of eternal love right up until they lower the boom on you. Actually, my ex made those protestations even as he was dumping me! Go figure. This was the man who wanted to marry me, continually made plans for the wedding, took me shopping for an engagement ring and -- lord love him -- even offered to reverse his vasectomy should I want children!

 

I wish I could have read your initial post to magpie right after I had been dumped. Because it's true, real and healing, and would have saved me months of bewilderment, trying to figure out what I had done to precipitate such cruelty, when in fact, it had almost nothing to do with me at all. I guess you'd call my suffering "collateral damage" in this case.

 

And I also commend your advice that she not hold out any hope for an apology. While I've been approached by exes after being dumped, and even being asked to come back into a relationship with them, I have yet to have been given an unsolicited apology by any of them! Your take that this man will be unable to face her again is spot on. I expect only one thing from my ex-fiance: that he will never have the intestinal fortitude -- read, guts -- to apologize to me. Or to contact me again in any way.

 

It would seem that your wisdom has been hard won by experience, midori. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[beejsea2]

I found all of your posts very helpful. I'm coming up on three months that my ex left me while I was at work...he left a note saying we weren't good for one another etc. Funny thing is he too was telling me he loved up until the day he left. We were together for over 4 years, promises of marriage and how he had been searching for someone like me his entire life...I guess I didn't realize that a lifetime has a cut off date of four years!!

 

I know in the long run I'll be okay and I need to realize that I may never get the answers to the how's and why's that have been running through my head for the past three months. It's funny but a month ago I told my friend all I wanted was for him to apologize but even now I know that I would never fully believe anything that he said!!

[midori]

Apologies without explanations really don't mean much, I find.

 

Here's how you can be pretty sure that it was about his issues, and not at all about you: when someone is annoyed with you, or sees a problem in you, they'll tell you about it, especially if you ask them. People are often eager to tell us what they think is wrong with us, or how we've offended them.

 

People who disappear without a word, who cannot or will not engage in a meaningful conversation with you about what was going on -- those people don't know what the problem is, they just know there's a problem. The problem is almost certainly something internal.

 

In the end, my exes were right to end things. They really did do me a favor, because in the long run things would not have worked out between us -- or if they did somehow work out it would only be due to enormous compromises and sacrifices on my part. What was wrong was the way they did it. If you get to the point where you're seeing it like that, chances are you won't even really care whether or not you get an apology. These guys aren't attuned with themselves. They mean well, they have many fine qualities, but they're not going to ever be able to be honest with you about what was going on ... because that would mean being honest with themselves.

[beejsea2]

Midori you are so right!! I guess I'm slowly getting there...my recovery has to be about me and not about why he did what he did!!

[KaiaMahina]

I wanna be midori when I grow up!

 

[midori]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

I wanna be midori when I grow up!

 

 

Ha ha, I don't know about that, KaiaMahina, I pretty much blunder my way through life. But we are looking for volunteers who would like to help out with moderating and other behind-the-scenes stuff. Check out the Special Announcement at the top of the page if you haven't done so yet.

[KaiaMahina]

Well, midori, I tend to be more of an extremist than a moderator, but what the heck? I'll check it out!

 

And you blunder quite well, by the way.

[magpie24]

Hi Midori,

 

I havent written in a while. I just gave myself some time to look for a job and keep myself constantly busy. I still have bad days. I think I will for a while. what I mean by a bad day is that I remember the good times or I see someone else happy and it just puts that little anger/sad pinch to my heart. I feel like I am doing better , and have been told by many that they are surprised how well I am handling it. I just dont feel all that powerful inside. In my previous post I said that i wished I could get an apologie from him. I do, but I know i wont get it and I am not waiting for it. I just want to get better , my brain is telling me to move on and my heart is soooo far behing..... Its a constant battle every day from dusk to dawn. How can I help myself with that? I dont miss him. I just feel loney and well....ugly.... I know like you said that this was all him and after reviewing the relationship I have realized that I have done nothing wrong. But it was a huge hit to my self esteem ... I dunno why.

 

I miss him, even though I tell myself not to. even though I try to make him look bad, incencere , anything that its not good , I still miss him.... What can I do? I am so tired of feeling like this...

 

Mags

[denatalie]

Hi Mag

 

I feel so much like you do now... he was so cruel to me and i still miss him and inside there is this hope that he will be back to me.. i know it's not going to happen. but i still hope... how stupid... don't know what to do with all this feeling and depressions... you know, he broke up with me not even telling me about it - just dissappeared (i'm abroad now) so that i can't contact him and he doesn't contact me...it's been more then a month since i ve talked to him last time (i know he's ok from his friends) and the last thing he told me was i love you... and then just nothing for a month or so... just starting to realize it's over and it's just too hard

 

take care

[midori]

Originally posted by magpie24

Hi Midori,

 

I havent written in a while. I just gave myself some time to look for a job and keep myself constantly busy. I still have bad days. I think I will for a while. what I mean by a bad day is that I remember the good times or I see someone else happy and it just puts that little anger/sad pinch to my heart. I feel like I am doing better , and have been told by many that they are surprised how well I am handling it. I just dont feel all that powerful inside. In my previous post I said that i wished I could get an apologie from him. I do, but I know i wont get it and I am not waiting for it. I just want to get better , my brain is telling me to move on and my heart is soooo far behing..... Its a constant battle every day from dusk to dawn. How can I help myself with that? I dont miss him. I just feel loney and well....ugly.... I know like you said that this was all him and after reviewing the relationship I have realized that I have done nothing wrong. But it was a huge hit to my self esteem ... I dunno why.

 

I miss him, even though I tell myself not to. even though I try to make him look bad, incencere , anything that its not good , I still miss him.... What can I do? I am so tired of feeling like this...

 

Mags

 

Yeah, hearts have a hard time catching up with heads. I wish I could tell you what to do to hurry things along, but I really don't think that there's one way that will work for everyone. What helped me to get over the sitautions I was in was to engage in self-examination: what were my motives for wanting those relationships? What did my ex(es) represent to me? Why did I ignore the warning signs that my friends and family clearly saw?

 

It's easy to say, "I was blinded by love." And I don't disagree entirely, because when I love someone I'm automatically inclined to give them the benefit of a doubt, over and over and over again. But I knew things weren't hunky-dorey. I knew that there were things that needed to be addressed, things that I'd thought would be resolved fairly soon but which dragged on and on -- why didn't I say, "enough?' Why did I need so much to believe in the relationship, when it was clear that the relationship had some very serious flaws?

 

Those are questions you can answer, or at least try to answer, for yourself. And ultiamtely those are the questions that matter. If you can get a better idea of where you're coming from, and why, and what you want out of a relationship, you'll have a much better sense of what is acceptable, and what should make you put on the brakes with someone. That's how you have power, by not being in a relationship that you accommodate at all costs. If you're in a relationship that will last for as long as the other person wants -- regardless of your actual experience in the relationship (are your needs being met? are you generally happy & content? are you waiting for him to see the light/turn a corner/get his act together?) -- you have no power in the relationship. You're just waiting to see what he'll decide, and hoping that it's what you want.

 

It's a hard, slow process, and probably your internal process won't look like mine. We all have our own reasons for tolerating more than we should. But if you can adopt the perspective that the break-up was his fault, but the answers you need lie within yourself, you'll get there. Sooner than you think.

[DoggyDog]

Reading each of your posts makes me very sad. "I'm the REASON he left me. I'm the "BAD" person taking and taking and couldn't give anything in return except my LOVE. All the things you guys are stating is reflecting to ME and knowing that he had no choice. I was "bleeding" him. Emotionally and financially....He was wonderful to me. I'd rant and rave about things and he would still be sweet and kind. So it's going on two months and pass three holidays now and I know he left because he couldn't take ME any longer in his life....I was TOXIC for him...Knowing this makes me hate myself more. But also, we would have never ended up together as he was a MM and wasn't leaving W.

 

Then again I tell myself I had every right to be like I was. Maybe your EX's were like me...Taking all you have to give but feeling guilty at the same time.

I wish I was the one to end things and truely from my perspective I can see why they LEFT you....Though the cowards way out still hurts for them too. I really feel that. Not having control from another's actions which affects your life is so pitiful and your trust for the next one will be guarded--I promise you.

Three times of this does make you strong and I can give advice to others that may or may not help...I am very intuitive of how others may think and be feeling and if you try to reverse any situation that pains you maybe you will find the answers you long for....God brought you to it, God will see you thru it.

 

L DD

[midori]

Hi DoggyDog,

 

Originally posted by DoggyDog

Reading each of your posts makes me very sad. "I'm the REASON he left me. I'm the "BAD" person taking and taking and couldn't give anything in return except my LOVE. All the things you guys are stating is reflecting to ME and knowing that he had no choice. I was "bleeding" him. Emotionally and financially....He was wonderful to me. I'd rant and rave about things and he would still be sweet and kind. So it's going on two months and pass three holidays now and I know he left because he couldn't take ME any longer in his life....I was TOXIC for him...Knowing this makes me hate myself more. But also, we would have never ended up together as he was a MM and wasn't leaving W.

 

Then again I tell myself I had every right to be like I was. Maybe your EX's were like me...Taking all you have to give but feeling guilty at the same time.

I wish I was the one to end things and truely from my perspective I can see why they LEFT you....Though the cowards way out still hurts for them too. I really feel that. Not having control from another's actions which affects your life is so pitiful and your trust for the next one will be guarded--I promise you.

Three times of this does make you strong and I can give advice to others that may or may not help...I am very intuitive of how others may think and be feeling and if you try to reverse any situation that pains you maybe you will find the answers you long for....God brought you to it, God will see you thru it.

 

L DD

 

I'm not quite sure I see the connection between your sitauation and those that we've been discussing in this thread, as you seem to think that your bad actions caused your ex to leave you, while Mags and the rest of us are talking about break-ups that occurred inexplicably and abruptly. It sounds like you know very well why your ex broke up with you.

 

If you've discovered that you have some issues that made your relationship toxic to your ex, while you might be very regretful, you should also feel good for realizing that you have those issues. It's nearly impossible to work on a problem if you don't even know it exists; now that you're aware of them you can address your issues. Good luck!

[magpie24]

Doggydog,

 

I am with Midori on this one. I am not sure if you have read all of the posts from the beginning. In no way shape or form am I blaming myself for this, becuase I Have done NOTHING wrong. ITs seems to me that u know why your relationship didnt work out... it was you or the other person or whatever...

 

I had and still no idea why he did it, andpropably never will. Just like Midori has mentioned, this post was about shock and being left with the news and not being able to get much more info.

 

Good luck for you though.

 

Mags