Is my girl confused? Commitmentphobic? Any other diagnoses from all you love doctors?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Last summer I met this really sweet girl. From within about half an hour of meeting, we were chatting like old friends.

 

She was sooo into me - both my friends and her friends commented on this. I was pretty cool and relaxed at first, but over time I caught up. By my Christmas party at the end of last year, my friends were gently teasing me about how keen she was. As we climbed into bed that night, she said "if in a couple of months you ask me to marry you, I'll say yes".

 

After a week back with our respective families for christmas, we met up again. She was waiting in my house to surprise me and was so pleased to see me.... As the week wore on though, she started to change and cool off a little. She asked for some space and I gave it.

 

The afternoon of new year's eve, she rang and broke up with me, out of the blue. She just said she had a gut feeling it wouldn't work, no other reason. She rang back later, reversing the break-up. Then on new year's day when I rang, she broke up again, although describing it as more of a break than a break-up. In the evening she rang me crying to say "what have I done? I'm so confused".

 

Since then the confusion has continued. She is avoiding seeing me (she lives a couple of hours drive away), but was ringing me A LOT, usually warm and tender, sometimes cooler, a couple of times in tears "I'm so depressed, I don't know if I can carry on without you".

 

After 2 weeks, I initiated no contact. For my own sanity, if nothing else. She has tried to ring a couple of times (I know this from caller ID) but never leaves messages.

 

What do you guys (especially the women) make of the situation? Normally I'd move on - she definitely has issues - but I *really* like this one. Any insight into what might be going on in her head?

 

I know already from what she has said that she is confused, feels guilty, misses me, thinks of me in bed all the time, can't sleep. What does this add up to though?

 

PS It's her birthday next week. Should I break NC to send her a card?

[johnnyapples]

oh my ...

 

How are you doing Romeo?

 

I know the exact feeling. Only difference is mine is a stronger character and hasn't really called me in 2 days. Just a text message, "good night sweetie". its hard 'cause I think she is a lot stronger than me in this field. But I know the feeling.

 

I think the NC should be okay for just the card. No calls and no IM's, I think. The girl is someone you care about anyway, you can maintain radio-silence, but show that you still have a heart and that you don't hate her.

 

As for her -- I think you might need to find out more about her past to see why is she is acting that way. There might be a number of reasons that she needs to work out on her own. As much as you and I probably want to be the nice guy and help her out, I've found it to make things worse. They need an unattached 3rd party intervention. Perhaps call one of her friends to help her through it.

 

Just some suggestions -- good luck, my friend. I feel for you.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks Johnny, I knew you'd understand.

 

Yes, she does have issues from her childhood. Abandonment and some abuse. I have seen these before, so I'm beginning to understand what it's like.

 

I fear you're right on needing a 3rd party... sometimes being a nice guy is not enough

 

Anyone else have views on what is going on here? The past issues don't have to be the only factor in play...

[poister]

After reading your post, I'm wondering if something mightn't have happened over her hols with her family to cause this abrupt change. Do you know what happened during her time away? Do you know, for example, if her family is unsupportive of the relationship and may have exerted some pressure? Alternately, do you know if Christmas/New Year's are emotional trigger point days for her for any reason?

 

Anyway, speaking from a woman's point of view, continue to give her the space as you've been doing. It will reinforce to her how special you are and the error she's made. Good luck!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks for your encouraging words Poister, and good question.

 

Nothing particular happened over the holidays, but she spent it with her mum and sister. Both divorcees. Her mum seems to be really pro-me, thinks I'm sweet and a great "catch". The sister likes me, but is pessimistic about the long term future of the relationship. If I understand correctly, she thinks I'll "trade up" one day. It was the sister who argued my ex out of the first reconciliation I'm trying not to hate the sister for this.

 

I hope she does use the time to remember the many good things. I regret not going NC as soon as we broke up... some good things happened, but we had a couple of low spots and finished on a weekend where she heard a little too much from me

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

After 2 weeks, I initiated no contact. For my own sanity, if nothing else. She has tried to ring a couple of times (I know this from caller ID) but never leaves messages.

 

What do you guys (especially the women) make of the situation? Normally I'd move on - she definitely has issues - but I *really* like this one. Any insight into what might be going on in her head?

 

I know already from what she has said that she is confused, feels guilty, misses me, thinks of me in bed all the time, can't sleep. What does this add up to though?

 

PS It's her birthday next week. Should I break NC to send her a card?

 

yes she is commitmentphobic and that is why you are more interested. we all want something that is hard to get. you need to play hard to get also and keep it up forever.

 

women make decisions based upon their feelings and emotions at that particular point in time. men make decisions based upon logic and reason.

 

and don't send the card. this is a woman you cannot treat very well otherwise she will eat you up and spit you out.

 

talk with her once in a while but let her do most of the calling. let her chase you and while you're at it try to hang out with other women and let her know so that she'll be jealous. if she says anything you just say that "you broke up with me and i don't know status of our relationship so i'm doing my own thing"

[upsetnhurt]

I am learning more and more not to agree with Alphamales assessments Romeo. He definitely is still hurting over someone and has not let go nor accepted that good people sometimes don't work out together. He is still angry over something! I am in your situation yet am two months further ahead. Your friend sounds real sweet, just as mine was, and apparently has some issues that she needs to deal with, that being in her past (whether childhood or a past relationship). You can't be her savior here, she needs to get through it herself. Only if she chooses to request your input should you give it and you should not be the one to tell her to please let you help out as that will only distance her further. As you said you care about her I definitely think you should send the b-day card. Don't right anything romantic only to let her know that your thinking of her and hope she enjoys her day. Be a silent friend here (keep up NC and let her make the first moves to involve you) and don't think she doesnt think about you nor does she care so much about you cause she does. It's just at this point she is not ready to follow through and may never will. I give her credit here as she is doing both of you a favor and attacking her problems now rather than later. Accept that and try your hardest to live life to its fullest and one never knows what will happen in the future. Realize that the relationship you had with her is over and keep those good memories. I definitely do in mine and I must say that I hope my ex is able to reconcile her problems and finds happiness, if not with me than someone else. Good luck and remember good people breakup if the timing isnt right!

[clynn]

She does sound sweet and confused.

 

Yet that doesn't help you get through it.

 

I think keep minimal contact letting her know just what your feelings are, very clearly.

 

Let her know that if she has other things she wishes to hash out that you understand.

 

I think that sometimes when a person with a troubled past dates someone who is more stable and doesn't have quite those same 'demons' it can be quite unsettling. It can also work. I mean, she might feel like a headcase or incomplete person and that she can't quite match up to your stability and calmness, who knows?

 

All the best. You must take care of yourself though.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks guys! All of your responses brought more clarity and peace to my situation.

 

Yes, she is indeed very sweet, but I'm sorry to say that Alphamale is right - without meaning to, in her current state she will eat me up and spit me out. She has even hinted that this is her deepest fear right now.

 

This kind of thing has happened a couple of times to me now, so a question for Alphamale. I think you would say you're a bit of a commitmentphobe yourself, yes? And have a commitmentphobic partner? How do I recognise the symptoms in advance? How would you deal with a commitmentphobic girlfriend?

 

What is your story upsetnhurt? How is it working out? Do you have any encouragement you can offer me from further down the line? It already helped me to hear you say that she will be thinking fondly of me - my indications so far are that this is the case.

 

Clynn, you're spot on that I need to take care of myself now. Can you explain further what you mean by "Let her know that if she has other things she wishes to hash out that you understand". I don't think I got this the first time

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

but I'm sorry to say that Alphamale is right - without meaning to, in her current state she will eat me up and spit me out.

 

This kind of thing has happened a couple of times to me now, so a question for Alphamale. I think you would say you're a bit of a commitmentphobe yourself, yes? And have a commitmentphobic partner? How do I recognise the symptoms in advance? How would you deal with a commitmentphobic girlfriend?

 

I am a commitmentphobe and many of my partners have been commitmentphobes. you see this more as you get older cause many peple are more gunshy and have been burned a # of times:

 

You recognize a commitment phobe cause they tend to be independent and not the needy or clingy types. They like their space and admit it. You cannot recognize symptoms in advance early on but need to be with that person for a while, say maybe 6 months to see it.

 

You will see that anytime the relationship starts to get serious the other person will back off and say "i want more space". So you deal with it by being calm, indifferent, secure, and giving 'em their space. Then you go and do whatever the f*** you want to. Leave them alone and usually after some time they come back if they really care for you.

 

Just do and say the same shyt the other person does. If you become the needy desperate and clingy type with a commitmentphobe you are DEAD.

[johnnyapples]

Hey Romeo,

 

Alphamale is definitely right about the commitmentphobes -- but I think you should still send the card and be who you are. Don't change who you are. You seem like a nice guy with a good heart. I agree that you shouldn't send anything romantic -- just a card to show that you are still the nice and understanding person, but you are also a strong man who doesn't sit and wait for things that may not come around.

[clynn]

"Let her know that if she has other things she wishes to hash out that you understand. "

 

Well, if indeed she has ohter issues in her past, she may not want to lay them all on the table. After all, many of us don't want to appear to bring our baggage into a current relationship, but ineveitably and without choice, we do. It is impossible after a few relationships or any kinda crazy childhoold not to bring in that old stuff and to be dealing with it.

 

So, while you certainly don't need to be her counselor, nor should you be expected to be, I dunno, ..... maybe someone just validating that she does have to reckon with some demons might be reassuring. Without prying or insulting of course.

 

That's all I was thinking.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by clynn

After all, many of us don't want to appear to bring our baggage into a current relationship, but ineveitably and without choice, we do. It is impossible after a few relationships or any kinda crazy childhoold not to bring in that old stuff and to be dealing with it.

 

The only time a person and their "baggage" are seperated is at the airport.

[SilentPrayer]

 

 

get ahold of me via msn Romeo

 

[email protected]

 

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well guys, thanks for your help and advice so far. The NC is working well for me - already I feel brighter and more confident. I'll see about the birthday card - I want to be nice, but fear I'll just look like a wus. I'll see how I feel on the day and send an ecard or not.

 

Connie, je t'ai envoyé un courriel (=email). Mais il me semble que tu préférerais continuer dans la langue de Molière, non?

[ex]

I think that in addition to the birthday card, you give her a book, like "He's Scared, She's Scared." It's about commitphobes. Not the deepest book in the world, but it definitely sounds like she should start thinking about her issues.

 

Originally posted by alphamale

You recognize a commitment phobe cause they tend to be independent and not the needy or clingy types.

 

Actually, needy-clingy types can be commitmentphobes too. They usually just make sure they get involved with unavailable types, someone who is even more of a commitmentphobe than they are. If you're in a relationship with a commitmentphobe, you're probably one too. It's in the book. (Although Romeo, I have to say, you seem like you have your head screwed on pretty damn tight.)

 

If you become the needy desperate and clingy type with a commitmentphobe you are DEAD.

 

Fantastic statement. Thank you, Alphamale. Really. It's not possible to be any more articulate about how much that situation sucks. There was definitely a point that I thought I was going to DIE. And that's why I felt like I had to add my 2 cents to this thread also. Anyone who suspects they are in a relationship with a commitmentphobe probably is in big DANGER, and needs to find out as much about it as they can, as quickly as possible.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by ex

If you're in a relationship with a commitmentphobe, you're probably one too. It's in the book. (Although Romeo, I have to say, you seem like you have your head screwed on pretty damn tight.)

 

Thanks! Actually, you're right.... I have in the past had some commitmentphobia, although I wouldn't have put it that way at the time. It's only over the past 3 years or so that changes in my life mean I've become ready to commit. That's one of the reasons I picked the nickname ReluctantRomeo.

 

Anyone who suspects they are in a relationship with a commitmentphobe probably is in big DANGER, and needs to find out as much about it as they can, as quickly as possible.

 

No kidding. I'm seriously reconsidering (a) who I choose (b) my strategy in relationships.

 

I think ReluctantJuliette would flip if I gave her this book. Any ideas for tactfully doing this?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ex

Fantastic statement. Thank you, Alphamale. Really. It's not possible to be any more articulate about how much that situation sucks. There was definitely a point that I thought I was going to DIE. And that's why I felt like I had to add my 2 cents to this thread also. Anyone who suspects they are in a relationship with a commitmentphobe probably is in big DANGER, and needs to find out as much about it as they can, as quickly as possible.

 

Thank you for the kind words EX, but I don't agree that people in a relationship with a commitmentphobe are in any imminent danger.

 

I am a sworn commitmentphobe and have been dating a sworn commitmentphobe on and off for the past 3.5 yrs and I love it. No danger here man.

[whichwayisup]

I am a sworn commitmentphobe and have been dating a sworn commitmentphobe on and off for the past 3.5 yrs and I love it. No danger here man.

 

Bet you that she will eventually bring up marriage or something...Then that will be the test?? Sooner or later it will come into play Alpha...How old is she? Just curious...

 

IF you could, would you go to therapy and get this sorted out?? With her if she was into it? Things will heat up again in time, history of commitment phobes are like that...Just look at Alpha's situation and his woman friend.

 

Good luck though and I do hope it works out either way.

[ex]

Nah Alpha: I wasn't saying commitmentphobes were to be avoided unilaterally. I thought I was quoting you saying that one should not get needy with a commitmentphobe. That Needy + Phobe = Pain.

 

Actually I really dislike the word "commitmentphobia." It sounds like a fake disease. Doesn't everyone have some fear of commitment, just some of us more than others? The label is convenient , actually only insofar as statements like "commitmentphobes attract commitmentphobes" go. But really we could just as easily say "people who have greater levels of discomfort with commitments are drawn to each other." Guess it doesn't quite pack that punch, though.

 

Well if RJ would flip, please don't give her the book, Romeo. I only thought that if my ex and I were still in an ambivalent stage, he would have appreciated this sort of gesture.

[SilentPrayer]

Je préférerais parler en français. Je pratique pour parler le français le plus possible. J'ai rencontré des amis en ligne qu'habite en la France que je bavarde à, aider apprendre l'améliorer français. Aussi l'utiliser avec désinvolture, comme une personne française normale ferait.

Con~

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

How do I recognise the symptoms in advance?

 

i'm not 100% but my ex may well have been a commitmentphobe, she was easily the clingiest and neediest girlfriend i ever had... wanting instant replies to texts, wanting to know why i didn't answer the phone, wanting to know where i was etc. etc. etc.

 

maybe i should have noticed the writing on the wall but 2 - 3 times she broke up with me via text message because I didn't text her back quickly enough and another because i had to cancel a date ( which i arranged for the next night )

 

on my birthday night ( off all nights! ) last September after bringing me to dinner she was drunk and kept talking about how she wouldn't mean to hurt me but she thinks she might and the thought of hurting me would kill her... and other stuff like did I think was our relationship based on only sex etc. etc.

 

and off course blamed me for wrecking our relationship with mistreatment and I broke her heart and she hadn't felt as heartbroken since a relationship 12 years ago therefore she is shutting her emotions down!

 

are these possible signs of a CP?

[clynn]

Hmmm. I dated a guy once who would phone me ten times in one day and get irritated if I didn't respond instantly.

 

Then I wouldn't hear from him for days.

 

Funny though I should have just written him off as a crazy loon, I was quite drawn into him. His emotion was appealing, or something.

 

And then I realize that I have some of those characteristics myself, or, actually, more preciisely, I"ve developed them over time.

 

Not the phoning incessantly. But if responses aren't forthcoming I'm usually pretty quick to write a guy off.

[LilacGirl]

Oh, Romeo, Romeo...wherefor art thou? Hehe...

 

Anyway, I don't have a *whole* lot of advice here, other then just try and work through it. If you're thinking of her on the day, send her an ecard. If not? No sweat. You're no longer obligated to do so, so it's really your choice.

 

As for her being afraid of commitment...very possible. I know you still care about her a lot, but she has things she needs to deal with first. If she's not happy in her own mind, the two of you won't be happy together. I care a stupid amount about my latest ex...but we've both got things we need to deal with before considering a relationship with anyone.

 

NC is probably helping. Out of sight out of mind and whatnot. It really hurts, but I think you can do it. You've already been strong for two weeks.

 

I really hope things start looking up for you, Romeo. And they will. I'm not totally helpful here, in my limited relationship knowledge, but you helped a lot in my thread, so I thought I'd try to give you some encouraging words in yours!!

 

Take care!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by LilacGirl

Oh, Romeo, Romeo...wherefor art thou? Hehe...

 

Wherefore indeed OK, enough whereforeplay

 

 

I really hope things start looking up for you, Romeo. And they will. I'm not totally helpful here, in my limited relationship knowledge, but you helped a lot in my thread, so I thought I'd try to give you some encouraging words in yours!!

 

Take care!

 

 

The sympathy helps. So did hearing and understanding your situation.

 

And yes, I am getting over ReluctantJuliette. Bit by bit, day by day.