We love each other, but can't be together

[Selina]

I am stuck. I have fallen madly in love with a man who says he loves me. However, he is technically married (they live together and are engaged to be) and they have a daughter whos three.

 

We haven't done anything with each other as I am in a serious relationship myself with a man I love but I am not in love with him anymore, however I respect him too much to hurt him.

 

Simon and I are both attracted to each other, and even his Dad Steven has said he wishes Simon would come to me. I am not a home wrecker and do not intend to do anything with a child involved but it is tearing me apart. We talk all the time and he has said that when the time is right, he will come to me. Even his parents know he is planning on leaving his girlfriend.

 

Should i wait for him or love the man i am with who is totally undeserving of the way i am treating him. Although i haven't cheated I am in love with Simon.

 

It hurting me so much. Simon tells me he loves me. And I know i belong with him. This has been building up for over 2 years. What can i do?

 

Please don't judge me too much. I don't want to be a home wrecker. I never intended to fall in love with him

 

Please help, any advice would be good

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Selina

I am not in love with him anymore, however I respect him too much to hurt him.

 

Everything else aside, you are hurting him worse by staying with him.

 

Imagine if the tables were turned and he said to you "I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with someone else and I'm only staying with you because I don't want to hurt you - and if she'll have me, I fully intend to leave you".

 

If you are finding that he isn't meeting your needs - and you stay with him, how long would it be before the next "Simon" is on the horizon? Unless you are willing to make some necessary changes/adjustments/compromises which will allow you to be "in love" with your current guy - then out of respect and whatever amount of emotion left you have for him: let him go so he can find a woman who will be in love with him and not just keep him around out of guilt/obligation/security/backup plan/whatever.

 

As for this guy Simon - It doesn't matter what his parents think they know. As long as Simon is still living with this girl, and she is under the impression that he is going to be married - then the only thing that you need to know right now is this: he's with the mother of his child and not you. If he intends to leave her, then he will, but until he is standing at your door with all his belongings, the child support/custody agreement papers filed, and an unwavering intent to be with you - consider him unavailable. The last thing you want is to be his "cake girl" who serves little or no purpose outside of seeing that his meager needs for you are met from time to time when he can sneak away some time from his soon-to-be wife.

 

Love is a beautiful blade that can cut two ways - it can cut to wound, or it can cut to free. You'll have to decide which it is in this case. Is this love that you and he share meant to cut loose ties and free you both up for each other, or is it going to be a never-healing infected wound that will continuously hurt all involved?

 

The only person who can break this inertia is you. Your man isn't going anywhere. Simon isn't going anywhere - so you'll have to make the break from your man and give Simon a firm ultimatum. You'll have to be sure you can handle the outcome though. Are you ready to find out how Simon really feels about you and whether he would be willing to leave his family for you?

[SoleMate]

Your heartfelt plea for advice really touched me. I will not disparage or belittle you. Some criticism is coming, though, so brace yourself.

 

You are in a relationship with a man whom you respect, and once loved. However, you now feel that the love is gone. (I know why you feel that way, and will explain in a moment.) Someone new comes along - Simon - and the excitement and possibilities are intoxicating you and twisting your judgment. So even though he has a non-marital family with a child, you have allowed yourself to express your interest and hear about his as well. It sounds like you have avoided physical relations, and I guess that IS a good thing, but don't kid yourself - the emotional affair you are engaging in can be just as damaging (except for no risk of pregnancy ).

 

We talk all the time and he has said that when the time is right, he will come to me.

Please read any of the 4800 MM/OW posts on this forum, so you can realize that the "right time" will almost certainly never come. Unemployed, dog is sick, non-marital wife having an operation, NM wife is pregnant (!! how'd she get herself pregnant??), kid is sick, parents are sick, NM wife is nursing a new baby - HIS new baby - and of course he is not such a complete schlong as to leave her with his 6 week old baby in her arms while he runs off to a woman who also is not free. Maybe when he is done having kids with her, and they are all grown and out of the house, he may come to you. But don't bet the rent. Search for posts by DoggyDog - she waited 22 years for her MM to leave his wife, and in the end, he said, "Can't do it".

 

Even his parents know he is planning on leaving his girlfriend.

This bothers me a lot! I understand that you two are drunk on the new, secret love - but his parents should understand the pain level associated with breaking up his family. Sounds like his child's mother and his current live-in sex partner may not be Ms. Right. But he's definitely Mr. Wrong if he secretly makes plans to leave her "in the indefinite future". Whatever her sins, she deserves to know what his plans are.

 

As to why both you and Simon have "fallen out of love" with the partners you chose, and in his case created a new life with, it is because one or both of the partners stopped taking care of the other, and the love died. No matter how incandescent the feelings are in the beginning, if either partner has behaved in a way that deeply hurts the other partner, or neglects his/her essential emotional needs, and there are no effective repairs, then love will die little by little. Once this process gets going, it really snowballs. See <URL removed> for an explanation.

 

You could wait for Simon, leading an unsatisfactory life for years while you wait for the "right time" (how will he decide that, BTW?) AND if you are so lucky as to have him come to you with a minimum of fuss/pain/bloodshed, you and he will again be susceptible to destroying your own love the same way you both unwittingly did with previous partners.

 

My last word: You are in charge of your own life. Don't give away your decisions. Good luck.

[Pocky]

I am stuck. I have fallen madly in love with a man who says he loves me. However, he is technically married (they live together and are engaged to be) and they have a daughter whos three.

 

If he loves you, why is he not with you?

 

We haven't done anything with each other as I am in a serious relationship myself with a man I love but I am not in love with him anymore, however I respect him too much to hurt him

.

 

You respect him too much to hurt him, but not enough to tell him the truth? If you love and respect your boyfriend so much, why are you denying him the right to have a real loving relationship that's founded on trust and honesty? You love him enough to let him in your life, but you don't seem to love him enough to do the right thing for him. You don't love him enough to let him go because what you give him is less than what he deserves.

 

Simon and I are both attracted to each other, and even his Dad Steven has said he wishes SImon would come to me. I am not a ghome wrecker and do not intend to do anything with a child involved but it is tearing me apart. We talk all the time and he has said that when the time is right, he will come to me. Even his parents know he is planning on leaving his girlfriend.

 

You're already doing something to wreck his home. Affairs aren't always physical and as much as you may not want to admit it, you're having an affair with him. You're talking to him all the time? Shouldn't he be spending that time with his family? Shouldn't you be spending that time with your boyfriend? You are, along with Simon, affecting the relationship he has with his wife and daughter.

 

Should i wait for him or love the man i am with who is totally undeserving of the way i am treating him. Although i haven't cheated I am in love with Simon.

 

You're in love with someone else that you have daily contact with. You're cheating. And personally, this type of cheating is more severe in my opinion than having a sexual fling. You should tell your boyfriend that you're in love with someone else and end the relationship instead of keeping him around in case Simon doesn't come to you.

 

It hurting me so much. Simon tells me he loves me. And I know i belong with him. This has been building up for over 2 years. What can i do?

 

Try being honest.

 

Please don't judge me too much. I don't want to be a home wrecker. I never intended to fall in love with hom

 

Sometimes we can't control whom we love and don't love. Sometimes we just realize one day that the person that we're with isn't the one we love. I'm completely understanding of this situation. What I don't understand and what I refuse to quietly slip under the rug because you don't want to hear anything negative is that once you realized you loved someone else you didn't take responsibility of that and approach the people that care for you in an honest and truthful manner. What you've done is selfish.

 

Please help, any advice would be good

 

I think you should tell Simon that as long as he's still with his wife he should focus on that relationship. If he truly loves you then he needs to leave. There is no middle ground. I think you should tell your boyfriend that you've fallen in love with someone else and end the relationship.

 

I think you should take the responsibility of your own life and stop using people.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Selina

I am stuck. I have fallen madly in love with a man who says he loves me. However, he is technically married (they live together and are engaged to be) and they have a daughter whos three.

 

We haven't done anything with each other as I am in a serious relationship myself with a man I love but I am not in love with him anymore, however I respect him too much to hurt him.

 

 

Two observations...

First... "we haven't done anything with each other..."- Well, yes you have. You've decieved the man you're in a serious relationship with, BIG TIME. Don't think he's going to be any less hurt by the fact that you've kept this affair emotional only....it's the lying and deception that hurts far worse than anything else. Trust me...been there, done that.

 

Second... "a man I love but I am not in love with him anymore" - This phrase is the paramount signature of almost everyone involved in an affair. This key phrase is the BIGGEST indicator of an affair there is...because the reason you feel that way is because YOU stopped investing emotionally in this man the moment you began your affair with "Simon". Almost EVERY WS (wandering spouse) uses this exact same phrase to describe how they feel about their SO. Sadly, this is caused by that "fog" you get when you begin an affair. You're looking back at your relationship with the first man, and now you're thinking that I've never been happy...he's never taken care of me...he's never made me feel like this. Well, it's not true. It's a self-deception mechanism used by the WS in an effort to justify their actions in having an affair. And when the glamour of the affair fades...when the "in-love" feelings start to fade because reality can't compete with the "thrill" of the affair...you'll see what you're doing too. You don't know...you can't now...because you're convinced that "but what Simon and I have is different".

 

When reality finally starts to settle in, and you look back on everything, you'll see the truth of what really went on. Odds are, by that time you'll have hurt your SO to the point where you will NEVER be able to fix things with him.

 

Simon and I are both attracted to each other, and even his Dad Steven has said he wishes Simon would come to me. I am not a home wrecker and do not intend to do anything with a child involved but it is tearing me apart. We talk all the time and he has said that when the time is right, he will come to me. Even his parents know he is planning on leaving his girlfriend.

 

What does this matter? The only people who matter in this are you, your SO, and "Simon". It doesn't "justify" what you're doing, or what "Simon" is doing either. Don't look outside of the situation to find people who approve or disapprove of what's going on...worry about the three of you.

 

Should i wait for him or love the man i am with who is totally undeserving of the way i am treating him. Although i haven't cheated I am in love with Simon.

 

It hurting me so much. Simon tells me he loves me. And I know i belong with him. This has been building up for over 2 years. What can i do?

 

Please don't judge me too much. I don't want to be a home wrecker. I never intended to fall in love with him

 

Please help, any advice would be good

 

 

Only you can decide what you SHOULD do. But since you asked for advice, here's mine.

 

1. Break it off completely with Simon for six months. If he is "the one", then what will six months matter? Your feelings will still be the same, and he'll still be there for you. BUT, breaking it off means NO CONTACT AT ALL...no emails, no phone calls, NOTHING. And anytime either of you breaks that, the six months starts all over again.

 

2. Confess all of this with your SO. Tell him what you're feeling. Tell him EVERYTHING. After all, he deserves this much respect from you. Then work with him to decide if what you had is worth trying to work out? Very possible that he'll lose all his respect for you and leave...or he may show you that he loves you more than you realized, and the two of you can begin working it out. If the latter, then start working to find out what was lacking in your relationship that you were looking for with Simon...and see if this guy can meet those needs. My money says you'd be surprised at what can happen.

 

3. At the end of six months of NC with Simon, and trying to work out your "real" relationship, make your decision. If it's "true love" with Simon, if he's your "soulmate"...then nothing will have changed, you'll miss him more than ever and he'll feel the same. So then end your relationship with your SO and go to Simon. OR...if you've learned how you really feel about your SO and decide to stay....end it forever with Simon.

 

Bottom line is this...you CAN'T make a decision while you're caught in the middle. I know...my wife was in your shoes nine months ago. Guess what...it didn't take six months for her to completely realize what was going on in her mind....it took less than two. We're still together. She's happier now than she has been in quite a while. And she tells me every single day that she's glad she stayed with me.

 

Give it a shot. The only thing you'll lose is the confusion, and pain of having your heart stretched out between these two.

[Mr Spock]

Ack. Sole mate has some VERY good points. Please don't get any more involved then you already are. Unavailable men are not fun in the end.