My son is so scared

[Natalie]

I have a son of 9 years old. He lives with his father, but spends every weekend with me. The problem is that he is so scared. He doesn't want to ever be alone anywhere. He follows me around in the house...he's like my little shadow. I tried to explain to him that there is nothing to be scared about. We don't have anything or there isn't anyone inside the house who would want to hurt him. Besides I'm always around, so whenever something happens, one scream and I'd be there. Yesterday he fell in the tub because I wasn't in there to look at him when he showers. He hurriedly got out the tub and fell. I get upset at him because why all of this?

 

I feel that I don't have privacy anymore. He sleeps on a mattress on the floor at our bed end, because he doesn't want to sleep in the other room. He feels neglected and sad, making excuses so that I would sleep with him on the floor. But I'm 8 months pregnant and sleeping on the floor would really hurt my back. Besides he's 9, so he shouldn't sleep with me anymore.

 

Can you help me find a way to help him get over this?

[tiki]

Are you recently divorced? Did someone new move in?

[LittleMiss]

Does he act like this with his father as well?

[Moose]

Sounds like a case of anxiety attacks to me. My 15 year old has been a sufferer for years. It's frustating as hell, but this is very real to him. I recommend taking him into your family physician and see what he/she thinks. Currently, mine is on anti-depressants.

[JackieQ]

Yeah, does he act like this with his father? have you talked to his father about it?

[brashgal]

My son exhibits similar behavior although not to the extent yours does. It all started about 8 months after his dad moved out. He went on a trip with his dad and a group of other boys who were a few years older. When he came back from that trip he was stuck to me. He is seven. I've questioned him over and over convinced something happened on the trip. He said they sang some scary songs and told ghost stories. I still wonder if something else happened (abuse? someone scared the daylights out of him?), but he doesn't come out with anything more than stories and songs.

 

Gradually he has improved although he is still not back to where he was before the trip (and it's been close to a year). One thing that helped was I walked through the entire house with him, opened all closets, checked all doors to make sure they were locked until he was convinced that only the two of us were home and there were no threats. He still turns on all the lights when he walks from one end of the house to the other and he won't sit in the bath or watch TV or play in his room unless the door is closed - for some reason he is very uncomfortable with open doors (as if he is afraid someone will sneak up on him). If he is alone he runs through the house to get to where I am, day or night.

 

I am always turning off lights behind him - guess it is a small price to pay as sometimes he really does seem terrified. It's getting better though - I hope it does for you too.

 

Oh, and I have talked to his dad about it, he says he doesn't notice anything unusual but he is only there every other weekend and it is a smaller house with more people in it - maybe he doesn't feel as threatened? His dad did show him a scary movie at Halloween which set us back a bit - I recommend staying away from those.

[Natalie]

My son's father and I separated about 3.5 years ago. It has been a long while. I know that our separation hasn't been easy on him, as a matter of fact, it hasn't been easy on anyone. My ex is still angry. I can see that because he still says bad things about me to my son. Actually I feel that my son is acting more mature than his father in this case. He usually stays quiet and let his father talk his lungs out, then he gets up and grabs a book or something. When he comes home to me on the weekend, he tells me what his father said, etc. And I tell him to do the same thing. Let it go one ear in and other ear out. He's too small to be burdened by the problems of adults. It's not fair! But I can't talk to the father...it's hopeless.

 

When he is with his father, he sleeps with his 2 other brothers. So he's not scared then. His 2 other brothers are 11 and 13 years old. Yes, I had to leave, because I was very depressed and alone. No family and no friends. We just got here to this country about 5 years ago.

 

It is very frustrating. And now that this may be caused by our separation is more hurtful than anything. I love my babies so much. This little one is such a sweetheart. He is so full of love. I call him a little flirt, because he would just try to get my attention out of the blue by whistling at me or so and if I look up, he'd throw me a kiss....(smile). He's so sweet and it hurt me so much not to be able to give him more of what he deserves.

[_Saffy_]

poor lad.

 

it sounds like an insecurity issue, he is almost afraid to be alone.

 

his father is not a very good role model, why does he not live with you all of the time?

[Stone]

Sounds like the little guy has abandoment issues. Be nice and loving with him and maby cuddle with him before he goes to bed and buy him a night light.

 

If nothing else works maby you and your EX Husband can talk with his school guidance counsler, maby it's something deeper

[Natalie]

We came to this country about 5 years ago. I did not have anyone here when I left my kids with the father. I was so alone with a job that paid only $1,000.00 a month. Just enough to pay for a room in a basement. His father was very supportive with the idea of me leaving him. He had already a woman with 2 kids waiting for him to replace me. It didn't work out, because he did it all for the wrong reasons.

 

I could not afford to take my children with me. Besides my ex said that he would of course give me the opportunity to see my kids often and still be part of their lives. His mother said the same thing and that I can always go to her if I needed anything. But that was just baloney. She always picked her son's side and she is scared of him.

 

Because of issues with my status over here and my situation being all alone, I was scared to take them with me. So I trusted him with my children knowing that he is a good father in general. Only when it comes to me, he messes up. He would be able to strict with them, keep them away from the street and more in school. I give him that credit, he does a good job. He is a very smart man, but very dumb with relationships.

 

Now he's planning to go back to his homecountry to pick up his bride in the summer. They'll then move into their new home, built from scratch in Florida. I won't be able to see my kids then anymore so often. My son has to make such a big decision and it's really bothering him, I know. He loves both of us.

 

For him being with his dad and his brothers and a stepmom would give him a much more family stability. Hopefully, she'll love my children. I pray and thank God for taking care of them. My ex wants to give them that stability of a home. That's not wrong.

 

I, myself, am not there yet. I am living with someone who is married to his wife. He can't seem or don't seem to want a divorce for some reason or the other. Now I'm pregnant again and unhappy at times for not making better decisions with my life. When I left, I wanted to make everything better. But it still went wrong. I admit. I wanted to fall in love, get married, work on my status, take all my children with me. But it just doesn't want to go the way I want to.

[Natalie]

He has a night light and I give him 2 stuffed dogs to sleep with. One is a bulldog and the other a doberman. He likes that and sleeps better at night. Besides I tell him that if there's anything, all he needs to do is get up and grab our feets, cause they are right there next to him. So I always move my toes under the sheets until he falls asleep to let him know that I'm up and I'm right there.

[_Saffy_]

i left my "marriage", cant think of a better word for it right now, with my children, no job, very little cash, no furniture, we only owned as little as we could fit in the car at the time. we are doing great now, but its 4.5 years later. i raise my children on love, hugs and kisses. im struggling to understand your situation.

 

but i still say this is a security issue with your son, he clings to you because you left. he clings to his dad because he thinks he is going to leave also.

 

and now he's going to be moved even further from his mother?

 

i think you and your ex husband should be looking into counselling for this poor child.

[JackieQ]

poor kid. have you and your husband discussed the move with him. does he hear about it being discussed by either of you when you think he's not around? that plus not being the "baby" in your life once the new little one is here would account for him literally "hanging on" to you all the time.

 

is there any way you guys could work it out to live near each other? if not, is there any way there could be regularly scheduled visits, or at least phone calls.

 

barring either of those, I'd just keep telling him I loved him no matter where each of you is at. And, the idea of seeing a guidance counselor or social worker or somethihng wouldn't be bad.

[Nubianangel]

He still turns on all the lights when he walks from one end of the house to the other and he won't sit in the bath or watch TV or play in his room unless the door is closed - for some reason he is very uncomfortable with open doors (as if he is afraid someone will sneak up on him).

 

It almost sounds like you're describing my son's behavior. At the age of 3, my son walked in on my boyfriend and I watching a horror movie. I didn't know it at the time but I guess he had been in the room for quite some time when he should have been in bed. Ever since, he speaks of ghosts and monsters and insists on having every light on at all times unless he's in bed (he has a nightlight).

 

He is also persistent in keeping doors closed but ONLY when he is naked. I'm not concerned with this as I've attributed this to his getting older and a need for privacy. I am concerned that he refuses to use public restrooms. When he was in kindergarten, another child peeked under his stall and he will not use the bathroom in school at all!