sylviaguardian Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 On Friday after posting my thread about not believing my H was telling the truth, I went home and went through all his bills again, this time with a fine tooth comb. I found all his cell phone bills and compared them. From the point where he got the phone until Nov 2001 all his bills were similar in amount. In November it quadrupled and stayed high for the following months. He told me she had come to work with him in September 2002 so I realised at the point that if he could lie about a whole year, he could lie about anything. On Friday night I sat down with him and told him that I knew he was lying and that I couldn't take any more and that he was slowly destroying any hope that we ever had. At first he denied everything and kept saying that she started in 2001 even when I told him that I'd seen the bills! He kept saying that it would have been something else. When I eventually screamed "I'm not stupid!", he then admits it. That's the first bit. Instead of the A lasting 16 months like he said, it was almost 3 years that he has been lying to me. Next bit. I asked him to stop lying. He admitted that they had 'fooled' around sexually in the car and in a room at work. When I asked what he meant by fooling around, he admitted that they masturbated each other. So there it is. What I've learned from this site is if you keep digging, something always turns up. I have not slept all night, I feel physically wrecked and there are images of my husband sitting in a car with his erect d1ck being massaged by this unpaid prostitute. Oh god, I've been through 8 months of he11 since all this came out and it just doesn't end. I just want to wake up in the morning and not feel like throwing myself off a bridge anymore. He is still here. I haven't thrown him out (yet). The truth is I just want to be held by him. How pathetic is that? I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this. Please, someone throw me line. I'm drowning here. Syl Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 I really don't know what to tell you, except I'm sorry you're hurting and going through all this. I haven't been through anything like this so I wont say that I can understand, but I will say I can only imagine what this may be like for you. Once again I'm sorry, hang in there. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
veronese Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Honey, What a crappy bit of news. I haven't got any words of wisdom, advice or anything useful whatsoever really darling. But you know I'm thinking of you and know just how deep your pain is right now. Baby, hang on in there. Try and hold it together (an impossibility probably at the moment). Our men are total wankers to have fooled us like they did. But we know now don't we? Is your H worth your grief? Really??? And I don't mean the husband you THOUGHT he was all these years, but the man he is in reality. We break our hearts over the men we loved, the men we didn't really know. It's a bugger to have to face it but Syl, when you're crying your tears and rocking back and forth, take on board the truth of the situation. He's a bastar***. You still love him and no doubt hate him also. But who you thought he was isn't who he is. He isn't worth it. He doesn't deserve you. He has fooled you all along and you can't avoid facing facts now. Syl, I totally emphathise with your pain. I kept finding things out about my H and his affairs for about 6 months after D-Day. Each new revelation was like another sword in my side. I went from thinking I had a fantastic, honest, loyal husband (of 17+ yrs) to discovering I was married to a lying, cheating wanker. It went from one woman, to three women. It went from a few months involvement with each one to years, many many years, ending up with me discovering these trailer trash tarts had been friends with him for 11 yrs, 3 yrs, and 16 months. Syl, it broke my heart. The length of time blew me away. I had to accept that my gorgeous partner was/is a compulsive liar, a very good one at that. Honey, don't do any thing rash. Get someone to take the kids if you can and spend today and tomorrow one on one with bollock chops. Don't make any firm decisions while you're in such turmoil sweetie. The ball is in your court right now. If he walks then so be it - it will be all the confirmation you need. Don't stress yourself about finding a solution, it's up to him. Bide your time, don't fret, and remember gorgeous, we're all here and we care. xxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Actually, he's been lying to you for 3 years and 8 months. 3 years for the women, and the 8 months he's denied it to YOU. You really want him to hold you? CLinging to him is like clinging to a thorn bush. Toss him. he's constantly LIED to you for 4 years. THat shows lack of courage, responsibility, and trustworthiness. Do you even respect him anymore? Can you stand him? Next question to ask-how many times in the past month has he wanked off thinking about her? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Syl, I am so sorry to hear that. Hugs to you right now cuz you need them. The truth is I just want to be held by him. How pathetic is that? That isn't pathetic at all...It's totally understandable. Spouses are the ones who make us feel better, who we go to when we're down and out...Problem is he did this to you and it's only natural to want him to take away the pain you're feeling. It is odd, but just the way it is. Don't and I repeat DO NOT internalize this and make yourself feel worse Syl. Don't do anything yet, let it sink in. Talk to friends if you can, post here, get others opinions, then think about what it is you are going to do. I'm really sorry for your pain...Only thing I can say is I guess it's better it's out in the open now and he knows he has to come clean with EVERYTHING now. NO more BS. Hang in there, keep posting too. We're all here to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
fleafly Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Syl, I am so sorry, reading your post brings me back to day one, in a way. I took everybodys advice to me as far as trying to reconcile with my wife, and it just seems hopeless, just because of what you are saying, the digging for the truth just makes things worse. But at the same time I/we have the RIGHT to know. I go back to the time when this all started trying to put together a timeline, if only to try and figure out where exactly WE were as far as our marriage was. This drives me mad. The more questions I ask MW and as the truth slowly starts to emerge, well it refills me with this rage that I have been trying hard to let go of. I found out yesterday that they were sharing intimate details of our sex life, and this was very early on. I cannot describe how this made me feel, violated, to put it mildly. Im sorry Im talking about me in your thread but, I just cant post in mine right now. Back to you! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Why is it that in the last two weeks two people in here that have commited themselves to rebuilding what they have lost, only to be burned like this? Two people that I have had so much respect and admiration for having the strength and courage to forge ahead, only to get burned, I imagine that this must be like going through this all over again. I am beginning to believe that this is going to very common. And I know what you mean about just wanting to hold him as well, I go through this as well, although that feeling doesnt last very long, for me. I actually get what I would call a convulsion , I am holding my wife, something comes into my head, and I instinctively push her away. This is something that I cannot control. I cannot make love to my wife anymore for the same reason. I cannot offer you any advice(obviously), but please know that I am pulling for you, as I have and do appreciate everything that you have done for me. I know what you are going through right now, I wouldnt wish it on anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Update: Thanks for all your kind words - you don't know how much I need it right now. Last night I went to stay with a friend and it was a relief to just get out of the house and away from him. At the moment I can't bear to see his face. When I got home this morning we started arguing again and I realised then that it had to stop so I've asked him to leave. He stayed until the kids were asleep then went to a hotel, then he's staying at a friend's. When I thought about this scenario, in my worst nightmares, I thought I would be hysterical. In fact, I just feel relief. Relief that there won't be another night of arguing, relief that I won't have to look at his face and imagine it creased in pleasure as she masturbated him in our car. I am so angry that she has been able to do all this and has had no consequences from it. On Saturday morning I actually phoned her husband to tell him but I hung up. I really don't know if I can put someone else and their kids through what I'm going through. It still burns in me though. I don't know if my feelings are going to change on this but at moment I don't feel sad that he has gone. He has hurt me so much that just his presence was making me feel physically sick. I will keep posting. Syl Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 13, 2005 Author Share Posted March 13, 2005 Originally posted by fleafly Syl, I am so sorry, reading your post brings me back to day one, in a way. I took everybodys advice to me as far as trying to reconcile with my wife, and it just seems hopeless, just because of what you are saying, the digging for the truth just makes things worse. But at the same time I/we have the RIGHT to know. I go back to the time when this all started trying to put together a timeline, if only to try and figure out where exactly WE were as far as our marriage was. This drives me mad. The more questions I ask MW and as the truth slowly starts to emerge, well it refills me with this rage that I have been trying hard to let go of. I found out yesterday that they were sharing intimate details of our sex life, and this was very early on. I cannot describe how this made me feel, violated, to put it mildly. Im sorry Im talking about me in your thread but, I just cant post in mine right now. It's a horrible position, I know only too well. I think in life there are some people who could be content knowing that they don't know everything, but I am not like that and neither are you obviously. Some of the things I have got out of my husband, I would rather have not had in my head permanently and some people might find it strange that I kept digging. However, it is only now when I have the gory details that I can feel any peace within myself. Back to you! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Why is it that in the last two weeks two people in here that have commited themselves to rebuilding what they have lost, only to be burned like this? Unfortunately, I think that that is just life. There are takers and there are givers. When I asked my H to leave tonight I could tell that he really didn't believe that I meant it and that I would come running to the door and say "Don't go". At one time I would have done that but there is a new strength in me now. I will not going taking the hurt that he dishes out. Two people that I have had so much respect and admiration for having the strength and courage to forge ahead, only to get burned, I imagine that this must be like going through this all over again. The worst things is that it never really ended. Since the 14th of July last year, my life had been a living, walking nightmare and there is no end in sight. The difference is that now I am starting to think about me. Before I was obsessed with him leaving, obsessed with finding out the details. Now I feel at peace and I'm in control for the first time ever. I didn't ask him to leave to make a point or anything like that. i asked him to leave because I don't like being around him at the moment. I really don't know now if there is just too much water under the bridge. I am beginning to believe that this is going to very common. And I know what you mean about just wanting to hold him as well, I go through this as well, although that feeling doesnt last very long, for me. I actually get what I would call a convulsion , I am holding my wife, something comes into my head, and I instinctively push her away. This is something that I cannot control. I cannot make love to my wife anymore for the same reason. I cannot offer you any advice(obviously), but please know that I am pulling for you, as I have and do appreciate everything that you have done for me. I know what you are going through right now, I wouldnt wish it on anybody. This is natural I think. It's like a child who gets slapped by the parent. They are in pain so they're first reaction is to run to person who makes them feel safe. A second later, they remember that this was the person who delievered the slap. Sigh.. it's crazy. Hang in there fleafly, Syl Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Wow. I'm sorry to hear it Sylvia. In light of these new admissions, I'm finding it difficult to believe that he didn't have intercourse with this woman. They had a pretty good view of home-plate while they were rounding third base. It's a fairly super-human effort to stop after having gone that far. If you haven't been tested for STD's yet, you might consider seeing your OB/GYN. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Forget her, what about their boss? What are the workplace polices involving inter office sex? But really, give yourself 3 weeks before doing anything drastic. He's out of the house now. Yes, you want hugs. That is completely normal. Even as you are being destroyed by the one you love you would rather sit in their lap crying at least having contact with them. Normal. You now know the depth of the lie. The relationship has lasted 3 years. Can you account for his whereabouts for the past 3 years? At this point in time, you need to base your decisions on the fact that this was a long standing sexually involved affair. There is little doubt that they had sexual intercourse. More than once. But it doesn't MATTER. Don't drive yourself insane with the details. All you need to know is that your husband had a long term affair on you and then lied about it for almost a year. 8 months of potential healing wasted due to the fact he couldn't be honest. And you know why Syl? Because deep down he STILL does not feel that he's done wrong. Or wrong enough to warrant the hassle of counselling and kissing your ass. This man, IMHO will continue to break your heart for the rest of your time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 Ladyjane and Dr Spock, I hear what you are saying. I should explain a bit further. The handjobs in his place of work were a big risk, which makes me doubt whether they could have actually had sex. Also, according to my H, this behaviour did not go on the whole time they were in contact. It was a long build-up to it and it stopped apparently when she left for a new job. My H ended up getting a job in the same place (partly because of his career, there are only 1 or 2 places he can work here) and in that workplace, the relationship had changed. OK, call me a fool for believing this. The fact is that my H did not have to come out and tell me that he got a handjob until he had an orgasm. There was no proof. He wanted to come clean at last. I do admit to you, that I wouldn't be surprised though if he had slept with her. Anyway, it doesn't matter all that much because I am not sure that I want to live with this person for the rest of my life, regardless of whether he slept with her or not. I am not sure that i am the sort of person to forgive and forget so it would perhaps always be in the back of my mind. I am not going to rush into any decision regardless of the 'dump the loser' attitude of some people here. At the end of the day, I am responsible for the lives of 2 small children and if he goes for good, their lives are going to change drastically. I know myself what it is like to grow up with only 1 parent and have no money whatsoever. On the bright side, I have had the first day in 8 months where my stomach is not constantly churning. I have had such a great day and really enjoyed my kids. I'm just not going to think about all of this for a while. I'm just going to give myself time to recover. Syl Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Sylvia- Got no "wise" advice to give you today. Just think before you act, like I'd give to anyone, anytime. But a caution...think it all the way through, and think with both you heart AND your head. Too often we don't use both, and just listen to what our heart tells us to do without any logic...or just try to think things through with no thought about what our heart is telling us. I'm sorry you're going through this friend. Hang in there, and take care of yourself and your kids! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 On the bright side, I have had the first day in 8 months where my stomach is not constantly churning. I have had such a great day and really enjoyed my kids. I'm just not going to think about all of this for a while. I'm just going to give myself time to recover. That is a good thing and I'm glad you don't feel that extra stress on your shoulders. Enjoy your kids and love them. Make some time for you - Pamper yourself, get a new haircut or go for a massage. Something nice because you deserve it. Take care and take it one day at a time. If you feel yourself feeling down just remember how strong you are and hang on to your kids. That will make you smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian I am not going to rush into any decision regardless of the 'dump the loser' attitude of some people here. At the end of the day, I am responsible for the lives of 2 small children and if he goes for good, their lives are going to change drastically. I know myself what it is like to grow up with only 1 parent and have no money whatsoever. This is good thinkin'. Let the dust settle a bit. That'll help you to clarify the situation a bit more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by Owl But a caution...think it all the way through, and think with both you heart AND your head. Too often we don't use both, and just listen to what our heart tells us to do without any logic...or just try to think things through with no thought about what our heart is telling us. Owl, I am not sure what you mean by this. I know it is early days but both my head and my heart seem to be telling me the same thing. I know that if my H and I split up, my kids are going to be incredibly hurt (not so much the little one - too young to understand) and their lives are going to suffer as a consequence. However, I can't see how I could ever look at my H again and think that he is a decent person after what he has done to me. Aside from the long-term betrayal, both physical and emotional, he has spent 8 further months lying to me and torturing me. I just can't see how we could ever have a relationship where resentment doesn't lie just under the surface. In addition to that, I feel like if I took him back, I would never have any self-respect and I would continue to allow what has happened to me for a large part of my life, to go on - being betrayed by the person I trust most. I feel like I have reached the end of my tether with that one. I know in my heart that I did nothing to deserve this. I have been so hurt that I can't be any more hurt. Last night when he was gone was the first night in 8 months that I haven't cried myself to sleep. It's the first day when I have been free from the panic and despair that has taken over my life. Any advice would be appreciated Owl. Your friend, Sylvia P.S. How are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 Sylvia- Sorry...I thought I had posted a reply yesterday, but I guess that it didn't make it onto the board. What I meant by the "use your head and your heart" was to not let one or the other rule your decisions right now. Often we get in the habit of "thinking" with one or the other, and ignoring one half of our personality. By no means am I telling you to do either thing...stay with him or end your marriage. Only you can make that choice. But I do think it's important for you to have thought any choice you make completely through...THEN take action. Anything you do at this point is going to be a tough road for you to follow...seperation or reconciliation. Just make sure that when you DO make your decision, you know that it's the right choice, and you'll have no regrets. As far as myself, I'm doing pretty good at the moment. My wife and I had counseling last Friday, and in that session she said a few things that made me rather glad to hear. Looking back, she can't understand any of her reasoning from back when she was in her emotional affair. She's been able to see so many of the negative things about the OM that she refused to see for a long time...and she is again very glad that she made the choice to stay and work things out. I took her on a surprise date Saturday afternoon. Well, what I had planned was simple and fun, and she loved it. We ended up spending the entire day (and most of the nite) out of the house, and ended up having the most romantic dinner together that either of us had EVER had!! So, we're doing well. I can't wait to get past these next few months (we're in the one year timeframe right now) so I can quit thinking "well, this time last year she was..." and just focus on NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 16, 2005 Author Share Posted March 16, 2005 Originally posted by Owl As far as myself, I'm doing pretty good at the moment. My wife and I had counseling last Friday, and in that session she said a few things that made me rather glad to hear. Looking back, she can't understand any of her reasoning from back when she was in her emotional affair. She's been able to see so many of the negative things about the OM that she refused to see for a long time...and she is again very glad that she made the choice to stay and work things out. I took her on a surprise date Saturday afternoon. Well, what I had planned was simple and fun, and she loved it. We ended up spending the entire day (and most of the nite) out of the house, and ended up having the most romantic dinner together that either of us had EVER had!! Owl, I am so glad to hear that things are going well for you right now. It sounds like things really have turned a corner if you wife can't identify with the reasoning she used then. I am glad to hear you so upbeat after your long struggle. As for me, at the moment I am not making any decisions. I am just really enjoying the peace and being out of a constant battle zone. Our house is calm and peaceful. The kids' behaviour has improved dramatically over the past 2 days ( which is quite frightening) and I can feel like I go about doing the things that I should be doing for a change (i.e. my JOB - nearly forgot I had one, and being a fun mum - forgot what that was too). My H is VERY upset at being out of the house. In fact, it's the most upset I have seen him since all this started. The state that he is in now, I feel like I have been in for months. I don't know what is going to happen in the future but I do know that I don't want him back the way he is. It's funny what you say about your wife not relating to her thinking then, well my H is still stuck in those patterns of thinking. He still thinks that if I hadn't weasled the truth out of him that things would have been better all round????!!! I just don't even now where to begin with that one. My guess is that if he doesn't realise that something is wrong because it is wrong, rather than because you get caught doing it, then nobody can MAKE him see that. At some point we will go for counselling I think. He doesnn't listen to me when I question his bizarre logic. Maybe it would be good to hear from someone else. Or maybe not, who nows? Take care Owl, Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Sylvia- How you doing girl? Give us a status update friend! Hope things are going as well as they can be! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted March 24, 2005 Author Share Posted March 24, 2005 Oh Owl, I'm afraid it's not going well at all. I am sitting at my work feeling sick to my stomach. Last night I found something else that has totally eclipsed the agony that I've been through for the past 8 months. It's so bad, I can't even post here. I'm afraid that things appear to have reached the end of the road. I don't see a future together with my husband now: I don't know him, I never knew him and right now there's nothing about him that I like. I am trying to make an appointment for counselling because I can't cope anymore. Don't get me wrong - I am going through the motions, I have always been good at that, but inside I am dead. I am facing the future alone now - I don't think I will ever get involved with another man as long as I live. Sorry to depress you. Thanks for all your help and support - it has kept me afloat over the last months but now I need something more. I guess I won't be posting much here now, as infidelity is the smallest of my problems. Take care sweet Owl. I hope it all works out for you and your wife. She is lucky to have a decent, caring person like you. I hope she can appreciate it. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 What a tragic story I am so sorry for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
fleafly Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Sylvia, not much more to say then I am so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Syl- I sent you a PM...please take a look when you get the chance! Hang in there friend! Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Syl... I will be praying for you.....hope all goes well with your journey. PM me anytime...... I have a long road to haul myself....always nice to have a LS friend to lean on.... peace on ya! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 I'm sorry Syl...Many hugs to you and I hope you can work through this stuff. I PM'd you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 You're never alone Syl. You're in my prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
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