Ex playing games with me, or should I trust her?

[sanne]

For those of you who don't know my story, my ex basically cheated on me with her ex for about 3 months of our relationship. She lied to me on such a scale that it is almost incomprehensible. She had arguments with me about trust, yelled at me for not trusting her, while she was out cheating on me with her ex. So now, a few days after the confrontation and the fall out I receive the dreaded email.

 

Last night I got three text messages in a row telling me how sorry she was and everything, and in the last one she stated how she would leave me alone. So I'm sitting there thinking to myself and trying to make myself believe that this is all a good thing and that it is all finally over. I wake up this morning, do some HW and some studying, go to class, and finally get back home. I check the email, and see that I have a message from her, sent today at noon.

 

The subject line of the email reads "i'm sorry", so I figure this is yet another apology letter to me. Having nothing better to do I read it because in a way seeing how sorry she is makes me feel a little better. In the letter I get the typical apology rhetoric, but then she starts telling me how much she loves me and how she misses me so much. Here are some excerpts:

 

"But most importantly I would spend the rest of my life proving

my love to you because you are too important to me for me to give up

without a fight. I truly believe that you are the true love of my life, I

was just couldn't see it. "

 

"I just want to walk up

to myself and slap myself so hard that it leaves a permanent mark. I want

to yell "what are you doing? You have the most wonderful man sitting

right in front of you and you're going to lose him. You're going to lose

the greatest love you have ever known"

 

Now it goes on and on like this for a while, but at the end she says something that made me think twice. That made me snap out of this spell that she has on me, and realize that she may be fooling me yet again and if I'm not stupid I'll get played once again. Here it is:

 

"I'll admit that part of what I want to accomplish from this is just to

hear your voice again, even if it's to yell at me. But, what I want to

accomplish more than anything is to give you the satisfaction that you

changed me and that you're worthy of quite possibly the greatest kind of

love that can exist. Think of all the lives you have changed for the

better. From now on all I want to do is make other people happy. You

opened up my heart and you're the only one that can claim that."

 

Now what would you guys think of such a letter, does she really want to get back with me, or is this just a ploy to get me to respond to her. Does she just want me to respond and give her attention? I know I can't and shouldn't ever go back to her, but I'm just curious as to what her motives are here. Some insight from fellow ladies would be welcome.

[ConfusedInOC]

If you think you can forgive her and she wouldn't do it again go for it.

 

Me? IMHO, If she'll cheat on you once, she would do it again. Regardless of why she did it, she lied to you for so long.

 

I personally think you should move on....

[westernxer]

Don't give her the satisfaction of hearing your voice...

 

The ball is in your court now, so keep it there.

[tanbark813]

If you believe any of that and give her another shot I guarantee you'll be back here within 6 months with another post about how she screwed you over.

[ltomlinson81]

It does in fact sound like this girl is sorry for what she did and wants you back. However, is that what you want? Have you forgiven her and do you trust her? Don't worry so much about her intentions and focus on what you want. Then you will know the appropriate way to respond - or not.

 

In my experience, after someone cheats on you, it is almost impossible to rebuild trust and a truly stable relationship. My ex and I tried to get back together after cheated and said similar things to me, and we recently broke up again. I never truly forgave him and was subconsciously punishing him for what he did to me, and he spent all of his time trying to get me to trust him. That does not make for a successful relationship and we were miserable.

 

If you think you can forgive her and trust her again, give her a chance. But do not mistake the fact that you miss and love her for forgiveness. You will make both of your lives hell.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Her motives are to see how much power she still has over you. She hasn't been away from you long enough to make any real changes - and right now her motivations are purely selfish. She knows exactly what to say to you to bring you to your knees. Yet again. As soon as you buckle, she'll grind you right back under her heel and treat you like crap all over again. You know this better than anyone here.

[sanne]

hehe, thanks guys, yea nobody can change their ways in a few days. I had absolutely no intentions of responding to her, i won't give her that satisfaction, and I wish I could say that I had no desire to ever be wtih her again. But my heart does still have a soft spot for her, and the idea that we could work things out sounds appealing at some level. But I know that she won't change overnight, if she still feels this way in a month or two then maybe i'd consider talking to her, but for right now it is NC all the way. The ball is in my court and it will stay there, maybe forever, i don't know.

[BrotherAaron]

Originally posted by sanne

BrotherAaron you are normally one who gives sound advice, but right now you need to listen to all of us. Your ex wants what she can't have, you are desirable since you are now in a relationship, once she has you she will play the same games and screw you over like she did before. Cheaters never learn, they always cheat, there is something in the mindset of a cheater that differentiates them from us... Cmon man, don't give in to this crazy ex of yours, ignore her!

 

Well, let me say that I took your advice, and everyone elses... it becomes paintstakingly obvious what you should do once you stop listening to your damn emotions. C'mon man, your ex treated you worse than I've ever been treated... and my ex doesn't deserve a second chance. Yours sure as hell doesn't. You're not a jerk if you don't respond. She won't have to wonder why - she knows why. Yes, she messed up, and yes she's losing you, but you don't have to apologize because it's her fault and her decision. Maybe she'll learn not to f*** with people. She sure as hell wont learn anything if you give her what she wants. I gaurantee you that she's not calling you because she's worried that you're not doing alright without her. She could give a crap less how you feel about being apart. She's pestering you because she hurts now. Well tough luck. She never even gave you a fair chance to begin with. I wouldn't think twice about a girl who treated me like that, and if she has any sense about her, she'll know why.

 

I say a month or two is far too soon. I know you hold a soft spot in your heart for your ex, I know what that's like. Sometimes, all it takes it the right words for them to re-awake all of those feelings you had. Well, you dealt with those feelings already... and you don't even have to spend time on them again. You're relationship is over. You can prolong its death, make it drawn out and painful, or you can just end it now and get on with your life. I know how hard it is to imagine her being devastated and not doing anything because you want to be her knight in shining armor. Well, remember how devastated you were? Where was she? Telling other people you were stalking her... is that what you want? I don't know if she'll ever learn her lesson, especially if you take her back. Besides, you haven't learned yours yet.

 

It's time now that you let yourself be apart from her. You'll gain some perspective by being single by choice. If the thought of being alone makes you uncomfortable, just remember that you can build a healthy relationship if you're not comfortable in your own skin. You can stop hoping that someday you two will get back together by not wanting it. Even if I was going to recommend giving her another chance, ever, I'd say that you'd need to do this so that she'd have to win you all over again starting on an equal playing field with all the other girls that might want to give you a chance out there. Don't settle for her... you can do better.

[sanne]

thanks aaron, i knew your advice would wake me up. she clearly never gave a rat's ass about me during our relationship for her to do what she did. and now she has some sort of epiphany, like i'm her true soulmate? haha, how stupid does she think i am? this is yet another ploy to lure me into her trap, but i'm not biting this time. the reason i'm enjoying this is because this is the first time that i've actually had the courage to say no to her, and it feels good. If she really does want me and she truly is sorry for what she has done, she is going to have to fight for me, i'm not going back that easily and no pathetic email is going to change that fact. i'm just worried about myself, i know that if i'm still alone a month or two months from now, it will be all too tempting to go back to her, that's why i've bookmarked loveshack to constantly remind me of what I need to do right now.

[westernxer]

Don't settle for anybody, sanne. Even if you're without a girl for two months or two years.

 

No defeat. No surrender.

 

No excuses.

[sanne]

you guys are fscking great you know that, your advice has saved me from making some truly monumental mistakes. my feelings of sadness and sorrow for her are now replaced by indifference, if I was as great as she said I was she never would have used me like she did. even if she is truly sorry, she ain't gonna change overnight. to use her words, she did lose the true love of her life, i woudla done anything for that girl but now it is too late.

[westernxer]

We've all been there, which is why we know.

 

Wisdom through experience...

 

Rock on!

[sanne]

UPDATE: well after I received the email, she sent a txt message a few hours later asking me whether or not I received her email. She said I can respond with a yes or a no if I want. Should I even bother responding to her? I'm thinking I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that I'm thinking about her or that she still has any effect on me or that I even care about her at all.

 

I mean, she's gone through a few days of suffering because of what she has done, but does that make up for the months of suffering she has put me through? I don't think so, she's gonna have to wait a weeks or even a month before she gets so much as a peep outta me. I have the distinct feeling she will actually try and come over to talk to me face to face, funny thing is I'm moving out of my apt. in 2-3 days and she has no idea where I'll be going.

 

I must admit, having the ball in my court is pretty nice, not that I'm taking any satisfaction out of this.

[westernxer]

Your call, chief.

 

(Text messaging is too easy... let her come and find you, since that involves physical labor. Then shag her senseless and leave.)

[westernxer]

(The last part is optional.)

[sanne]

haha western, man you really are a bastard.......yea i just don't like this situation to be honest. I mean i don't want her calling me all the time and what not, i'm thinking of just calling her and telling her to stop. i don't want this getting out of hand.

[westernxer]

It's called strategy... worked for Napoleon, why not make it work for you?

[westernxer]

Make sure to dial *67 to disable your caller ID. Then leave a voice message, unless she's the type who answers every damn phone call.

[BrotherAaron]

The only effective approach is no approach at all.

 

Don't reply to her... she's reaching now. That text message was her wanting to believe that you wouldn't ignore her email. You can answer her question by ignoring her text message too. That's pretty clear to me... it says you got her email, but you don't care. And you got her text message, but you still dont care. That's it.

 

Remember that she's getting what she wants. She said you're a stalker. Well, I think that's a pretty clear sign that you need to completely leave her alone. You don't want to be a stalker, do you?

 

Replying is a waste of your time.

[BrotherAaron]

She treated you like s***, and it's time to start looking out for your feelings, not hers. Blocking her is OK. I'd advise against calling her though. That's the first step into a free fall back into what you're trying to get away from.

 

You've got to be careful here man, and look out for yourself.

[westernxer]

She's waiting for you to melt down.

[sanne]

I know what you guys are saying is right, but at the same time I just don't want anyone to suffer anymore. I want this all to be over, as much as I hate what she did it still kills me inside to know that she is hurting so badly right now. I mean I wanted for her to feel bad about what she did and to change herself, but I didn't want this kind of intense suffering. I mean I want her to be positive about her life and to have an optimistic look at her future, not to be depressed/negative/crying all the time. I mean that is no good at all. I've proved my point already I think, I'm not the type that wants to inflict damage back just because I was hurt.

[westernxer]

That's her problem. You're not causing this pain... she's doing it to herself.

[westernxer]

An ex tried to do this to me... I couldn't care less.

 

She was actually scared to call me, because she knew what I'd do.

 

click

[sanne]

well if she really wants to talk to me or hear my voice she can come over and see me, i only live 5-10 minutes away. calling me and txting me is not going to get me to respond.