Close to becoming the OW

[Dangerously Close]

I'm in a committed serious relationship, but lately have been having feelings for a MM. My bf and I have known this man and his wife for a few years but in the last 2 months there have been a couple of physical interactions between this MM and myself. We haven't had actual sex, but there was passionate kissing before I made us stop.

 

The next morning the two of us talked. At first he was like, let's just chalk it up to a drunken mistake. I decided that this wouldn't work because that was what we decided the first time. So we talked for a couple of hours. We both agreeded that we didn't want to start an affair, but we still kept talking. We are both very abstract thinkers and like to have philisophical discussions, and its on this level that we connected. It was to the point that we both agreeded that we were enjoying sitting and talking more than we enjoyed the physical stuff the night before. Of course the fact that we were attracted to each other came up repeatedly. We did the classic, he tells me what was wrong with his marriage. On the other hand, there isn't anything wrong with my bf and I, we have a great relationship. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I really believe it and am VERY confused right now. The MM even admitted that he's a terrible husband. Of course I didn't contradict him since he had his hands all over me the night before.

 

My big question is, do you think it's possible for us to have talks and connect without it leading to a full blown affair? We actually asked each other that question and well we couldn't answer it. Way before this happened (and I mean for a couple of years) it's been clear to me, and to others, that he isn't happy in his marriage. Not that I think/want him to get divorced, that's definitely not where I'm going with this. It just makes me so sad for him because he is such a wonderful guy.

[whichwayisup]

Walk away from this guy. You have a bf and he's married. You all know eachother. That's just not cool. THINK with your head and not your heart and body on this one.

 

You can prevent a HUGE mistake right now by just cutting it all out. Obviously the feelings are there, or the sexual attraction is. Don't act on it. It's not fair to your bf and his wife. You're gonna cause ALOT of unnecessary hurts for 2 people that don't deserve it. It's selfish of you and this MM to do this.

 

You feel sad and he's not happy in his marriage? Then break up with your bf, let him end the marriage with his wife. THEN start seeing eachother. Start dating. Until then, don't DO anything.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Dangerously Close

My big question is, do you think it's possible for us to have talks and connect without it leading to a full blown affair?

 

No.

 

He needs to fix sh*t in his own life, and the interaction you two have is salve to his discomfort. He takes refuge in that rather than dealing with his personal issues with his wife first hand. Give him space to deal with that, other wise you are nothing but an added element of confusion. To continue this "intellectual affair" is to play with fire. You are aware of this, otherwise you wouldn't have asked this question. AS an adult, if he is unhappy, it is his responsibility to change it. Other than that it's nothing more than taking drugs to numb himself to his situation. Nothing good can come of it. If you have physical, sexual attraction, step back until it cools off.

[Dangerously Close]

" ...the interaction you two have is salve to his discomfort. He takes refuge in that rather than dealing with his personal issues with his wife first hand."

--Wow, I think you really hit the nail on the head with this one.

 

Thanks to both of you for the advice. It helps seeing things written down in black and white, especially from people not emotionally invovled. He is going to be out of town for a couple of weeks, so it will certainly give me time to "calm down" so to speak.

 

We talked about distancing ourselves from each other for awhile, but the problem is, that would be pretty obvious that something was up. Close friends don't just start being cold to each other for no particular reason. Not to mention that even without the sexual attraction, I still really value his friendship.

 

It IS so hard to act like an adult. I NEVER envisioned myself in this position. I kinda feel like I got blindsided with these feelings. Anymore advice on how to control them would be greatly appreciated.

[blind_otter]

I had a very dear friend who became FWB with me shortly after I split up with my ex and had a traumatic miscarriage. It totally f*cked up our friendship, and I basically split with him, we didn't speak for over a month. I gave varying reasons to our mutual friends for why the split occurred - there were a lot of things going on in his life that I felt he needed to deal with.

 

We are on speaking terms again, but it will never be the same.

 

Once you cross the line with someone, it never IS the same.

[curly]

Come clean... Tell your bf what's up. Let him know that you want to be with bf and don't want to be with MM. Work on the relationship with the bf then. Find out why you are allowing an attraction for another man to continue.

 

If you don't stop seeing the MM even as friends, the W and your bf are going to get wise. This type of taboo attraction has a way of blooming out of control. They are bound to see it.

 

And I can't stress enough - YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE!!!!

 

There are so many OW (myself included) that realize the gigantic mistake we've made by believing the MM's lies. If he's unhappy, he will do something about it. And having an A is not the smart thing to do. Believe me, having an A with MM will cost you dearly. It is a slippery slope & you are lucky enough to be on the precipice and recognizing the potential for disaster. Don't set yourself up for an emotional roller coaster with so much pain, misery, anxiety you can't even imagine.

 

Run away!

[Dangerously Close]

originall posted by curly

Come clean... Tell your bf what's up. Let him know that you want to be with bf and don't want to be with MM.

 

I actually told my bf about the first time, but I honestly didn't see the first time coming. The MM touched me in the hottub and I encouraged. It was only about 5 minutes. I told my bf almost immediately. He wasn't upset with me, he figured, like I did, that we were just drunk and got carried away. But this time it was different. I knew it was going to happen before it happened and I didn't remove myself from the situation. I can't tell him. I just can't.

 

 

If you don't stop seeing the MM even as friends, the W and your bf are going to get wise.

 

Not seeing him at all is not really a possibility. Actually to make matters even crazier my bf and I are taking over the place that MM and his wife are currently living in at the end of the month, and because of a difference in lease dates, we may actually be sharing the place with them for a few days. I'm going to do what I can to make sure this doesn't happen. Maybe I'll chose that week to go visit relatives.

 

I really don't want for this to turn into an affair, but I scared that I don't have enough self control. Tonight was a good step though. I knew that his wife was out of town and that my bf was otherwise occupied, but I didn't contact MM and he didn't contact me. And like I said earlier, he is going out of town soon for a couple of weeks. Do you think there is a chance that this wil blow over before he gets back?

[Nara]

A loud and clear NO.

 

As long as you still can - stop it. Within the shortest time, it can be too late, you cross the point of no return and as you are in a happy relationship (appreciate it !!! It's a precious thing...) the sh*t will hit the fan.

All the confusion, the hurting, the frustration, the would, could, might, what if will start.

 

There are MMs and OWs, that meet and bang! it's naturaldesastrously deep love. But that's really not usual. And it doesn't sound like this in your case.

 

For your own sake...take care.

You asked straight - all I can say: Don't.

 

And something else: Just friends, discussion-mates - in such situation more than difficult.

Believe me....

[Dangerously Close]

So, I thought I was doing really well not thinking about him...then I saw him today.

My heartrate quickened, I couldn't stop smiling, the works. We were in public, so no "inappropriate" comments were made, but damn, I wanted him. How to make these feelings stop????

[whichwayisup]

How do you make those feelings stop? TELL your boyfriend what is going on. You are in very and I mean VERY dangerous waters right now. You say you 'just can't' tell him what is going on...Well, why not? You scared he is going to leave you? Well, he IS going to leave you once he finds out you and this MM. You're not married, he has no real reason to stay unless he's so deeply and passionately inlove with you. Obviously you aren't with your BF otherwise you'd not be "pursuing" this MM.

 

Honestly? Accept this a very sexual crush, do not act upon it - And move on past it. Just keep busy, enjoy what you have infront of you...Your boyfriend!!!!!! If you can't do that, dump the boyfriend and do what you're probably going to do anyway. No amount of posters who say DO NOT DO IT, is not going to stop you. The ball is in your court and you can choose to play or walk away. Choice is yours.