When do you stop being angry?

[sylviaguardian]

I need advice, especially from the oldtimers! I found out about my H's EA last summer and found out 2 months ago that it was also a PA. The EA affair lasted 3 years+.

 

I want to try to reconcile and my H has stated all along that he never wanted to leave etc. The problem is that in order to reconcile, I know BOTH people have to try to be nice to one another. My problem is that I am still so angry all the time. I am angry with myself for not noticing what was going on, and for being such a fool, I am angry at him for the years of deceit and betrayal and i am angry at her because I feel a total stranger has invaded my life then walked off at no cost to herself.

 

It is starting to eat me up and I don't know what to do with it. Any advice, please?

 

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia,

 

I hear you!!! I am in the same boat, so to speak. I am so angry all the time. Pretty much the same reasons you are, with myself, with him, and with the women he saw that knew about me. I'm even mad at the ones who didn't know about me because the affairs with them also took a big piece of my heart.

 

I don't know if this applies to you or not, but I even find that if my H and me seem to be laughing and having a good time I have to stop it and try and throw in a comment about the whole cheating thing. I know that's wrong but I can't seem to help it. I guess I'm thinking back to I was really happy during the time he was cheating (of course I didn't know he was). I feel that if he isn't reminded of it, he will do it again.

 

I also found that I snapped at my kids more and even with other drivers. Usually I am one who really didn't get "road rage" at any other drivers for any reason. I would usually just call them a name and let it go. Not that I would do anything to cause an accident, etc., but I do feel that I'm mad more often for little things others do. So this anger has moved over into the other relationships I have.

 

I know it's eating me up too. I can't stand it and the only way I see myself out of it is to get away from him.

 

SueBee

[Owl]

Sylvia,

 

The only way I was able to get past the anger in my case (which you know is a bit different from yours) was when I understood the full truth of what all had happened, and as best as anyone can, the reasons behind why it happened. I then also needed to see PROOF that my wife was making the changes we needed in order to make sure that it wouldn't/couldn't continue or happen again in any fashion.

 

After that, all I could do is pray, and give it to God to handle. And I've done my level best to forgive everyone involved. Not easy, nor does it mean that I EVER want to meet the OM in any way ever again, but I at least no longer blame him for the whole thing either.

 

You're going to have to accept that it happened. And if you HAVE seen the needed changes, you're going to have to learn to let it be in the past and start to allow your husband to rebuild that trust between you two again.

 

Otherwise, you'll never truly recover from this.

 

Take a look at the marriagebuilders site as well, friend. There is a lot of good info over there too.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by SueBee3490

 

I don't know if this applies to you or not, but I even find that if my H and me seem to be laughing and having a good time I have to stop it and try and throw in a comment about the whole cheating thing. I know that's wrong but I can't seem to help it.

 

Yep, I've done that too. I know it is stupid because either you want to reconcile or you don't right?I

 

I feel that if he isn't reminded of it, he will do it again.

 

Yes, this is howi feel too.

 

I also found that I snapped at my kids more and even with other drivers. Usually I am one who really didn't get "road rage" at any other drivers for any reason. I would usually just call them a name and let it go. Not that I would do anything to cause an accident, etc., but I do feel that I'm mad more often for little things others do. So this anger has moved over into the other relationships I have.

 

Yes, yes, yes. I feel like I can't react to things the way I used to (kids, friends etc). In fact, sometimes I just don't LIKE the person I've turned into. Then I blame him and get more MAD! it's a vicious cirlce.

 

I know it's eating me up too. I can't stand it and the only way I see myself out of it is to get away from him.

 

I can't stand it either. I am hoping that getting away from him isn't the ONLY option. After all, I might just take the anger with me anyway....

SueBee

 

Come on you guys! Throw us a line!

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia,

 

I think Owl has some good advice. Maybe it is the not knowing the full truth about what happened. I guess if I knew the reasons why I would handle it better.

 

I know that when I ask him "why" he just says he was nervous about moving. He did move from his state to mine - 450 miles - but he was cheating on me when we were dating and weren't sure who was going to move where! So I know that wasn't it. Also another great boost to my self-esteem is that he told me he NEVER cheated on his ex wife (while married to her or even when they lived together for 3 years beforehand). Now she cheated on him (at least he has proof of her writing to a man and she kept money out of their checking account for her own secret account). He also told me they didn't have sex for like 1 1/2 years but he still didn't cheat! I did everything for him - I really loved him and thought he loved me. So I think alot of the anger is knowing all this about him and how he treated me compared to how he treated his exwife. I did find out he did all his cheating while we were dating/engaged. He swears he hasn't cheated on me since we've been married. He's lied so much I don't know whether to believe him or not.

 

But if I really knew the "real truth" about the cheating I might also let go of anger. When we get into fights about this, he just says he shouldn't have moved here and he has more of a right to be sad than I do. He moved away from his home and I didn't. We never get anywhere because he doesn't acknowledge that I am really hurting with all this. I have acknowledged that he hurts (from moving) and encouraged him to go back to his homestate whenver he wants (which is about every 3 weeks). I've told him to go there for all holidays and his vacations just to ease his hurt at being gone. I'll be fine here with my kids during those times.

 

Sylvia - Do you ask for the details, etc. of his meetings with women? I have but it only seems to get him angry too. I also found out that when I know some of the details, those pictures just keep running through my mind. So I don't know whether it's worth knowing all the details. It is torturous.

 

Also, I'm scared that I will take this anger with me too if we were to break up. I have really changed into a person I don't like. I've tried counseling but I think this cut is just too deep to heal with him. I can see maybe a "one time" fling or whatever and the person is sorry and means it. But my H had quite a few that lasted a few years. He had plenty of time to come clean. He chose not to tell me - I had to find out so I think that makes me less willing to want to try to keep this marriage together.

 

Sorry to ramble

 

SueBee

[Cis]

Hi

 

Not sure you want to hear from an "offender" - but here goes. My husband also seems to be unable to get past his anger and desire for revenge and retribution. He's saying one of the things that has been hard for him is that I haven't been willing to delve into the troubling aspects of the affair relationship. Even though I've been forth coming on details etc - he feels that I haven't been able to dig deep into the reason for the affair, the way I fell so deeply and completely "in love", the way I vilified him to justify my behaviors etc. Does that ring true for you - do you feel you and your husbands haven't processed enough -learned enough and come to some kind of realization about yourself, your husband and your marriage? Quick Fix Band Aids will not satisfy a betrayed spouse!

 

In my defense, I've really tried - but I feel like my husband's anger is impacting his ability to really hear me. After weeks of begging for forgiveness etc - he told our friend that I had never apologized! It's really frustrating.

 

The only thing I know for sure - the only way we will ever be able to put our marriage back together is that we have to "lay down our arms" and just fing decide that we want to "try" - to draft up some ground rules (and I'm sorry but one of them is not to throw the affair in our face every time there is conflict or you feel the need to hurt us for revenge).

 

Come on! Do you want to repair your marriage or not? We are human. I asked my husband had he ever made a mistake - and was he forgiven - and did he forgive himself and what would it take for him to forgive others.

 

Forgiveness is the most important think you can give YOURSELF. And don't think for a moment that I have forgiven myself for what I did to my husband - it's a work in progress - but you have to wanna.........

[SueBee3490]

Cis,

 

I hear you on wanting to make a marriage work and what has to be done. I really think mine is too far gone. A little background on what my H did.

 

He cheated on me while we dated for 2 1/2 yrs in a long-distance relationship. I didn't find out about this until 4 mos after we married. If I had known about all these women, I wouldn't have married him. So here is some of my anger.

 

Then he did go on a few dates with a woman 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship of which I forgave him and "gave him another chance". Of which he blew it by still cheating and not telling me whats going on so there's more anger.

 

Then I find out from one of his women that sometimes they used protection. So he didn't even care enough about my health and life to at least protect me from AIDS or STD's so there's more anger.

 

Then it seems half of the women he chatted with or met knew about me but he told them he "wasn't happy" with me and the other half didn't even know I existed so there's more anger.

 

I'm also angry that he could have told me at any time because we were only dating. If we split up, it would have hurt but we weren't married so it would have been somewhat easier. I know you say I must forgive him and I think alot of my problem with really getting past all this and trying to repair our lives is that it went on for so long and with many different women. I don't believe he's changed. Something tells me if a person can carry on like this for so long and have so little feelings or respect for their SO, then they aren't going to change just because they are found out which is what happened. I found out - he was backed in a corner and had to confess.

[Ladyjane14]

I think it's possible that the anger abates not with time, but rather with forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness isn't always possible. And certainly not possible when doubt is present. That's why it's so important to be able to 'reconstruct the crime scene'....to know where you were when it happened, and more importantly WHY it happened.

[Sal Paradise]

I don't think not being able to forgive the person who cheats makes the person who was cheated on a bad person, unforgiving, or unreasonable in any way. Some people have personal limits as to what they can forgive. Saying your sorry doesn't automatically fix everything, no matter how many times its said. Time doesn't always get rid of the image of your spouse in the hands of that other person doing things that make your stomach ball up in knots everytime you invision them.

 

The person who cheated really has no right to complain. They lost that right when they broke that sacred bond two people share when they're in love and pledge their life to each other. All they can do is decide whether or not to stay around.

 

I'm not saying the betrayed spouse should use this as an excuse to punish their SO, but they shouldn't feel guilty in any way, shape or form for feeling anger toward the person who cheated.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks for posting - it is very useful to hear from 'offenders' too.

 

Originally posted by Cis

 

He's saying one of the things that has been hard for him is that I haven't been willing to delve into the troubling aspects of the affair relationship. Even though I've been forth coming on details etc - he feels that I haven't been able to dig deep into the reason for the affair, the way I fell so deeply and completely "in love", the way I vilified him to justify my behaviors etc. Does that ring true for you - do you feel you and your husbands haven't processed enough -learned enough and come to some kind of realization about yourself, your husband and your marriage?

 

[color=blue]This is so true for me. My H has told me when they met, when it ended, what they did physically. Other than that it is a mystery to me. I know my H was very unhappy with himself prior to it so I guess it was kind of a distraction away from feeling unhappy. Other than that I have no clue. My H tends to play everything down i.e. saying they connected over work, it made work fun etc. Because he plays it down like this, I cannot understand how and when it changed. I suppose I have never heard the 'story' of it. This makes me doubt bits of it and it is hard to trust what he says.[/color]

 

In my defense, I've really tried - but I feel like my husband's anger is impacting his ability to really hear me. After weeks of begging for forgiveness etc - he told our friend that I had never apologized! It's really frustrating.

 

This is the same as our situation. When I get angry I just see a red mist! My H has also said that he has apologised but I feel that I would like a formal apology, outlining the things he is sorry for e.g. "I am sorry I misled you into the thinking that we were both in a monogamous relationship", "I am sorry for not taking the vows we made seriously, whilst you were doing so", "I am sorry for looking at you in the eye and lying to you", "I am sorry for texting her while you were in the other room" etc etc.

 

The only thing I know for sure - the only way we will ever be able to put our marriage back together is that we have to "lay down our arms" and just fing decide that we want to "try" - to draft up some ground rules (and I'm sorry but one of them is not to throw the affair in our face every time there is conflict or you feel the need to hurt us for revenge).

 

This is so true. But remember you are asking the betrayed partner for a lot. You are asking them to put their hearts and mental sanity on the line again. It is difficult to do when the spouse does not seem to be putting themselves on the line in the same way (by being brutally honest and genuinely remorseful). As one poster said "Saying you're sorry is not enough" You have to know WHAT you are sorry for. At the end of the day it wasn't a 'mistake'. A mistake is thinking that one is doing the right thing and then finding out that it was wrong. Intentionally doing something that is wrong is not a 'mistake'. There are a lot of calculated actions going on there and it is up to the betraying spouse to figure out how they came upon those calculations. Saying I did something wrong, I won't do it again is not the answer. People in affairs know that it is wrong at the time they are doing it. It is up to them to figure out how they justified that 'wrongness'.

 

From what I see from all the posters here you are all saying the same thing. Perhaps if we knew more WHY it had happened and if we felt that the WS considered more how they allowed it to, and showed remorse, we would feel less angry. And by remorse, I do not mean saying "I'm sorry, I made a mistake". True remorse only comes when you allowed yourself to fully process the full impact that your actions has on another person.

 

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia - I think you hit it on the head with wanting to know "why". As I said before my H used the excuse of moving as a reason for cheating. Then he came up with he thought I was "too good" for him and I must have men asking me out at work so I must be cheating so then he felt it was ok for him to do it. Really flimsy excuses! I never felt I was too good for him. I tended to like my house cleaner and my kids cleaner than his ex. I also probably took better care of myself in the way of makeup, fixing my hair, etc. I guess he thought that made me "too good" for him. So I told him if he thought I was so good and he had me - why wouldn't he do whatever to try and hold onto me which would involve "not cheating"? He has no answer for that.

 

Sylvia said:

As one poster said "Saying you're sorry is not enough" You have to know WHAT you are sorry for. At the end of the day it wasn't a 'mistake'. A mistake is thinking that one is doing the right thing and then finding out that it was wrong. Intentionally doing something that is wrong is not a 'mistake'. There are a lot of calculated actions going on there and it is up to the betraying spouse to figure out how they came upon those calculations. Saying I did something wrong, I won't do it again is not the answer. People in affairs know that it is wrong at the time they are doing it. It is up to them to figure out how they justified that 'wrongness'.

 

 

So true! I never thought about defining a "mistake" the way you did but it sure makes sense. How can it be a mistake when all along they knew it was wrong? Yes it was calculated for my H to chat with these women and then meet some of them. My H also said he kept telling one woman he chatted with on the computer that it was wrong to talk to her but that she kept calling him or IMing him. I told him it was up to HIM to ignore her or not answer the phone or tell her it's over. I told him that was cowardly and really he could have quit if he wanted to.

 

To Sal - I feel bad alot because all the posters who've went through cheating/infidelity all seem to say you must forgive to move on. So I feel bad as though something's wrong with me that I can't seem to forgive and move on. Maybe I have forgiven him but I've not forgiven myself. After all it was me that let him have another chance after the first time I found out when he went on a few dates with another woman. I could have ended the relationship after the first time but I loved him and really trusted that he meant it when he said "I won't do it again because I see how much it hurts you." Of course he didn't want to lose me so he clung to me and made me feel he was truly sorry. I hung onto his words of remorse thinking he meant them - he didn't. So maybe it's just me.

 

He can move on to another woman free to love and feel that sense of security with her. If I did find another man he would probably have to go through a brick wall to get close to my heart. Sad really in that I'm paying the price in the long run for his cheating character.

 

SueBee

[RecordProducer]

You have a right to be angry at him for lying to you for more than 3 years.It's good for him to see that you're angry. He needs to know that he really ruined things and that he cannot get forgiveness just like that. Don't hide your anger. Don't be nice to him if you feel like strangling him with your bare hands, because your rage will explode another day.

Withdraw and close yourself in a shell until you get over it. Don't fight with him too much. He needs to beg for forgiveness on his knees. If you fight, he will get defensive.

Forgive him when you feel ready for it.

It's not your fault that you trusted him and didn't notice anything. If you accuse yourself of being a fool then it's HIS fault that you shouldn't have trusted him.

[SueBee3490]

Thanks Record for the support (if you were talking to me in your response )

 

Sylvia brought up this topic of getting over your anger and that really hit home with me. I am still so angry at thinking about all that my H did. I really don't see us moving on together because everytime I try and remember a happy memory or date then it gets clouded with "oh yeah that's the time he was also going out with debi or linda or whoever". Any cards he sent me mean nothing because all his writings of love to me mean nothing now that I know what he was doing all along. I wasn't as special to him as he was to me. But you know I do feel stupid for trusting him again and I guess that's why I don't want to do it again. This last discovery of all the cheating he did while we were dating really devastated me. I'm scared if I give him another chance and I try and "fall in love with him all over again", he will just break my heart again.

 

SueBee

[DesertDweller]

What I don't understand about serial cheaters, is why do they bother to get/stay married?

[innerconflict]

About two years ago, I was with someone who I later found out was a serial cheater. He had the pattern of having two women going at the same time. He was in a common-law relationship with two small children before we got together. At that time, I was naive enough to believe that the relationship he had with his ex to be totally over. But as time went by, I realized that he was hesitant about letting others aware of our relationship. Red flag.

 

The last month of our relationship, I found him doing alot of online flirting. He would stay up late and chat on the computer while I was in the other room sleeping. Later, he made the excuse of wanting to go on a road trip with some friends. I still remember the day he left. It felt like someone ripped me apart because he said that he planned on going for a month or so. I am not the type of person to tell what another can or cannot do. So I went along with his wishes.

 

While he was away, I rarely heard from him. I didn't know the future of our relationship, I thought we had something good. About a month after he left, I found out that he reconciled with his ex and their two children. I WAS DEVASTATED. He didn't have the courage to tell me that he wanted to go back to her. He just got up and left. I had no idea of what was really going on with him.

 

I lost 17 pounds and so depressed and lonely during that time. It took me about 1.5 years to get over the betrayal. Now I am with someone who is sooo much more than my ex can ever be. I really believe that my bf is "The One".

 

There came a time when I had to finally stop asking the question "why?". I knew the answer, I just didn't want to accept it. My ex is someone who has emotional issues. I heard recently that he again left his common law wife for someone else. There will be a day when he realizes how much hurt he has caused by his selfishness and immaturity.

 

I admit that I still carry some anger towards my ex. Knowing that I was taken like that is a huge blow to my ego. Everyday I pray for the strength to fully forgive and let go. I am more determined not to allow leftover feelings of anger and suspicion spill into my current relationship. To be honest, I pray alot.

 

It takes time to get over something like that. It is hard work. You need to feel and release all the anger. Do and try everything you can to get past this devastating experience. That's what I did.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by SueBee3490

Thanks Record for the support (if you were talking to me in your response )

 

Actually, SueBee, I was refering to Sylvia, the thread starter. She has to deal with an emotional affair only. Marriages are not perfect and I think they can survive an EA as a form of a severely alarming problem rather than a form of cheating.

Unfortunately in your case, Sue, I don't think your husband deserves forgivenesss. I don't think you can forgive him his future affairs. If you want to stay married to him, you better be prepared for more!

Is he worth your pain? Is he a millionnaire and you have no place to go? Do you have 5 children with him? Why do you stay with him? If the reason is because you love him then you have a real issue with your self-respect! I am telling you thi in the same manner as I would tell my sister so don't be mad at me for being harsh!

[CurlyIam]

SO I'm not married and I have never been cheated - in terms of an affair per se. There was another girl and a kiss involved.

 

Certainly not years of PA, but it really did rock my boat and I have learnt a thing or two about dealing with pain, hurt and yes, even hatred. I kept telling myself to get over it, it's in the past, he realised he made a mistake, I kept trying to accept all the details but couldn't.

 

I couldn't just let it go and move on. this is not how the human mind works. I was trying to speed up the healing process and not let it destroy my relationship, but the truth is, also there was one kiss involved, the trust was never there. I couldn't speed it up. I had numerous back falls and feeling depressed and just wanting to let go. The worse part was forgiving him.

 

 

If you don't go through the pain, if you don't go through the anger, if you don't go through and face all your deamons, you're never really leaving that dark place. It keeps you there. It sucks you in.

 

 

 

In my case it was one lousy party, too much beer, I had been harsh on him, he ended up kissing someone else. We needed months to get over it. Dreadfull fights, and nights when I'd fall asleep crying and him holding me. Do you really expect for all this to magically go away? It won't. IT's there so stop pretending it was an accident or it never happened. It's there. Accept it. BE mad, be furious, scream and shout and let it go afterwards. If you're holding the shouts back, they'll come back, over and over and over again.

 

My 2 cents, anyway. It takes much more love and care and time and pain to mend a broken heart. Your own will to get better just isn't enough. It never is.

[SueBee3490]

Thanks Record - I would never get angry at advice - that's what we're all here for itsn't it?

 

I know my story sounds bad to everyone and everyone must be thinking this is my side of the story but what's his side? Really the only thing I can think of in his defense that would "make" him want to cheat is that this was a long distance relationship (we lived 450 mi apart) and he was able to come visit me more than I could go to him. I have 3 kids and my ex died - his ex could watch his 2 kids frequently. I can't think of anything else other than he must have just been unhappy at his divorce. As far as us together, we got along great! I was never so happy in my life. I told him I never even wanted to make love with my ex as much as I do with him. I was so in love! So for those of you who say it was the sex, our sex life was good.

 

I even set up a vacation for him and his 2 kids and me and my 3 to go to the VA Beach & Bush Gardens. You have to know we live in IL and him in KS so this was a big accomplishment. I just wanted us to all get along and our kids to know each other and basically have fun. I wasn't a woman who was needy either but I'm not rich either. When he met me, I had bought my home and 2 cars. I didn't need him "supporting" me in any way so I would think that would be a plus in his book. Record, we don't have any children together but we did buy a rather "big" house together so there is that standing in my way of getting out. I dread the thought of having to sell a home again 3 yrs after selling my first and moving again. Stupid answer I know but the house market in my area is not good and not so sure we can sell this thing.

 

I have sit and thought about this alot and I guess I will never understand cheaters, especially him. You hear about cheaters all the time who maybe have affairs because they are in a rut in their marriage or whatever and they are looking for that excitement. We never got to the point of being in a rut! We were just starting our lives together! I thought we were happy - how stupid of me.

 

One of his girlfriends that knew nothing about me told me to ask his exwife what happened in their marriage. I couldn't bring myself to do that but I have asked my 2 sister-in-laws (his 2 brothers' wives). They both say they only knew about me and basically his divorce from his ex was all her fault. I should have expected that from family. So I didn't get anywhere there.

 

As far as self-respect and self-esteem go, yeah mine is very low and always has been all my life. I've never felt good enough to get that good guy. I'm no beauty queen but I'm ok looking (I think ) I though my H was a good guy. But I found out different. I think if we split, I won't look anymore, I'm in my 40's now and tired of the dating scene and men. I'm unhappy now but I will not cheat on him - that's not me.

 

Sorry Sylvia for taking over your anger thread - my situation is pretty sad I know. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

SueBee

[RecordProducer]

I think we're actually helping Sylvia to realize that her problem is not as terible as it is for other women.

Sue, I am sorry you have a low self-esteem. Your looks have nothing to do with your luck in love unless you want to marry Richard Gere or George Clooney. Then I would assume you should look like a model.

A woman I know who is from Israel met a guy from Chicago online and they just got married. She is 48 and he is 58. She is okay looking, not fat, has blond curly hair, but far from a beauty queen. He is nice looking. She has 2 children from her first marriage who are adults now and he's never been married.

True love can come anytime. And after a certain age you have more chances to meet the right person because you don't make foolish mistakes like when you were young.

You can talk to real estate agents about the house and if I were you I would ask his ex-wife about what happened. How old are your kids?

I am not persuading you to divorce him; I am just persuading you that if you want to get divorced, you can continue with your life and be happy.

Long distance is not an excuse for cheating. I am also in a LDR right now.

You're still young, Sue. You are just tired and feel down, because your husband makes you feel like you're worth nothing. Men dream about having a woman who is not a bitch and you're not one, that's for sure!

When I was married and when my ex-husband left me, I felt like my love life ended once forever. I swore I'd never re-marry or fall in love again. I thought all men were jerks and since I had 2 children, I felt "defective" and worth nothing. My body was ruined after the delivery and breast-feeding so basically I felt like a living garbage. And I was only 26 years old! I felt like that for one year then I fixed my looks. I started looking around and dating other people. I faced a lot of disappoinments on the dating scene, guys using me for sex, one-night stands that hurt, etc. But 4 years after I split with my ex I met the love of my life. And I am happy now.

Will and stamina is all we need to achieve all our goals. the more you ask from life the more you will get, Sue. If you don't make a move you'll stay where you are forever. Envision your future and whatever would make you completely happy - pursue it!

[SueBee3490]

Thanks again Record,

 

When I divorced I really wasn't down on men, I knew there were good ones out there. I was hurt that I divorced from my 3 kids' father and I guess I just put myself in raising them for the time being and not really dating. After my split from my ex, my first date was 2 1/2 yrs later! I went out with a few who didn't work out to anything more so when I met my current H, it was about 5 years after my divorce.

 

Record - I'm sorry you felt that so bad about yourself at such a young age - 26!!! I can't even remember being 26 - long long time ago! So happy that you met that man of your life and are happy. You sound like a very likable and sweet person who gives good advice. I don't mind someone being blunt because you are looking in from the outside and giving your thoughts. Sometimes I think that is better than maybe talking to say one of my relatives who will more than likely side with me or one of his who would side with him. I tried talking to a counselor but that was 2 mos after finding out about all this so naturally I was in shock and when she asked "do you love him?" Well yes I still did - I hadn't quite processed all the stuff he did. Now I've had time to think about this and to think he's an SOB for treating me like that! Nobody deserves that. I've told him he could have at least been a man and told me he wanted to date others so I could make a decision to stay in the relationship or not or at the very least "bye" if he felt he couldn't quit cheating but couldn't tell me.

 

Thank you for saying I don't sound like a bitch, I hope not People at work seem to like me. I work in a college and did get 2 awards. Employees in the college voted on who they thought should get these awards. One award is for being nice and habitually happy (if only everyone knew what I've went through with my H, I can put on a happy smile and be nice to people and not let my personal life come into work). I don't feel the need to be mad at others for my problems. The other was for practicing the values our college stands for. I look at these awards and think - other people don't think I'm so bad or they wouldn't have given me this.

 

My kids now are 20, 17 and 11. My 20 year old moved out with her bf last month so my other 2 are still at home. His 2 kids are 19 and 16 and still at home. Because this was a LDR, and none of our older kids wanted to move at the time, we talked about him staying where he is and me here until his 16 yr old graduates, then he can move here because my 11 year old would be the last in school - obviously our other 4 would be adults then. I was fine with that. I loved him and could wait until the time was right. The problem is it never would have been right - he was cheating.

 

Record, you know counselors and others all say when you find out about your H or SO cheating, don't make any hasty decisions at the moment - give yourself time to sort it out. Well I've sorted it out and I don't see anything worth salvaging. When I try to talk to him about this, he claims he hurts more because he moved. He acknowledges the cheating was wrong but then he tries to turn it around and claim he still thinks I was cheating. I wasn't. I've told him if I was cheating, do you honestly think I'd be this upset about you cheating? I would probably be thinking "great - he's cheating now that gives me more time to cheat too!" He's so unreasonable.

 

Thanks for listening again!!

 

SueBee

[veronese]

Hi Sylvia,

 

Well I'm now 13 months down the line and I can honestly say that when we passed that one year anniversary things have improved a notch again. The anger hasn't vanished completely but it's definitely subsided.

 

We started that one year land mark with a bottle of champagne before he left for work (he had a glass, I polished off the rest once they'd all left for work/school). I felt like celebrating the achievement of surviving this tumultuous year and when I suggested it he responded enthusiastically.

 

I still don't trust him, I still check his phone regularly, I still fear the very real possibility that it may happen again some day. But after 12 months it felt time to close a door on the past. The women friends no longer consume my every waking thought... I can go days now without thinking about them and they don't have any major effect on me individually.

 

Our marriage is what matters to me now. He knows there are no other chances, no more room for such heartless, selfish behaviour. I've made it clear that if he chooses to pursue the excitement of the forbidden it will be a decision he makes to lose his family once and for all.

 

I still have moments of anger that appear from nowhere, but throughout our difficult post-affair journey I have felt that all the emotions I've experienced have been for a reason. Remembering back to those first few weeks and months the shock of the speed and diversity of those feelings it's frankly quite surprising that the impact of them alone didn't kill me with their intensity.

 

I hope one day to be rid of all the negativity that has come with his infidelity, but in the meantime I try to focus on the benefits I have gained because of it. I am working on my self-confidence, began counselling last week (alone) and don't live my life for my H anymore. Unlike all the years preceding my DD, the thought of losing him doesn't fill me with trepidation and fear. I'm much more objective and realistic about my husband, marriage, my life and the world in general.

 

I'll send you a PM too Syl, with one more little tip to help you with your journey. Just a little something I found very beneficial.

 

Big hugs darling

 

V x

[sylviaguardian]

To Record producer,

 

Thanks for your tips but you will see if you re-read my first post that my husband did have a physical affair. Of course, I can see that other people are in worse situations than mine, but to be honest we are all dealing with our own pain here. We all have different levels of what we will forgive or not forgive and as I've said before some of my anger comes from the fact that my husband's affair has made me contravene my previous beliefs that I would never stay with someone who cheated on me.

 

To Sue Bee,

It's not about how attractive or unattractive you are. People have affairs because of faults in themselves, not because the other person is not as attractive as they could be. I consider myself to be moderately attractive. It has nothing to do with that. One area where I do see a problem is you thinking that you don't deserve things. I bet you are a lot more attractive than you think you are. Please don't blame yourself. It seems like it is your husband who has a lot of esteem issues, not you.

 

To Veronese,

Always good to hear that people like you, Owl, Thumbs are plugging away. It makes me feel that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I have something else to say, but will say it in another post.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

On this subject I thought I would share something I tried which seemed to work well. I realised that some of the anger came from not really feeling I knew what had gone on, as well as feeling that my husband wasn't remorseful enough.

 

i asked my husband to draw a timeline of what had happened from the moment they met to its end. I asked him to explain how it got to the level it did and also to write down what else was going on in his life and how he had been feeling. He was fed up at first but amazingly sat down and wrote for 2 hours. It was so obvious that whenever things were going really bad for him at work, self-esteem etc the relationship notched up a gear.

 

That really helped me to get a picture of what had happened and perhaps also why. I won't say it didn't hurt (it did) but somehow it seems less powerful in my mind.

 

A couple of days later, I sat down and matche up all the dates to what we had been doing as a family and then to what I had been doing and feeling. I think that really hit home with him how i had been left to pretty much fend for myself with a newborn, job etc.

 

Over the weekend he started to notice how the dynamic within the family had changed in the sense that he does not have a strong relationship with the kids. He said it really hit home how much the affair had affected everything, not just our relationship.

 

I feel a lot better now, less angry. I will never think about it without my heart skipping a beat but I'm starting to see that our marriage needs a lot of working on. The good news is that we have reached a stage where we both want to try and we are starting to communicate.

 

Well, in the rollercoaster scheme of things, this has been a good week.

 

Sylvia

[phillygirl63]

Sylvia, your time line idea is excellent! My husband had an affair four years ago and I wish I had used that as part of our "recovery"! Happy to say we are still together and our marriage is actually much stronger after working through the affair, but that really is an excellent idea!!!!

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks so much Philly girl. There are so few people who post on here who have survived an affair (or so it seems to me) so it is great to hear from people like you. Did you go to counselling? When do you think your marriage started to get stronger? Sorry for being nosy but it would be nice to hear from someone who survived and actually has positive things to say!

 

Sylvia