my Jealousy made me leave my partner :(

[lisamonique86]

My name is Lisa. I'm 19 years old. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. I love him so much. I don't want to see it end because we are so great together, we laugh and have great fun... until someone else is mentioned, seen or is around us.

 

i have been admitted to a psych ward twice in the past year pretty much because of it. i was suicidal because i couldn't handle it.

 

before we met, i used to be working and see him and his ex walking together, sometimes with his arm around her or them holding hands. we met via a common acquaintance, and then we met up a few nights later. he was on the verge of breaking up with this girl, whom he'd been with for just over a year. they broke up.

 

as our relationship progressed, my jealousy became deeper and harder to control, as did my massive insecurities. i ended up making him take down all the posters of girls he had on the walls of his room, going through all his old stuff on his computer when he was asleep...

 

one night i found a pic of her in lingerie on his bed, the one that we made love in. it sent me insane. then later on i found out he had that picture on his band website, like he was showing her off. i got so ****ing jealous i couldnt contain myself. ever since these times ive had to feel like i was better or at least equal to her by making him put pics of me on the net, etc etc..

 

in the beginning i found an empty pack of rubbers behind his bed, and lotion, which he told me they used to give each other massages with. i once again went off. i know this is all unreasonable but i couldnt seem to control how i felt.

 

i really NEED him to tell me how much i mean to him, all the time. i need him to tell me im beautiful, and better in every way to everyone else. i need him to tell me how much i mean to him and i don't want to have to force it out of him cos i know he gets angry and stuff.

 

the reason i want help/advice/support from you guys is so i can work things out with Mick (my ex) and hopefully it won't put such a strain on our relationship. i don't think this is going to go away for future relationships anyway <

 

My insane unprecedented jealousy is pretty much the reason we have ended our relationship.

 

PLEASE help anyone who can. i'd love to hear your advice and stuff, or if you've had a similar experience.

 

hope to hear foerm you soon,

 

Lisa

[LucreziaBorgia]

Until you work on fixing the issues inside yourself, your relationship has a zero chance of reconciliation. It isn't easy to hear that, but its that simple. The problems you have are going to cause you great unhappiness until you get them under control.

 

Until you can bring strength and confidence of your own to a relationship, you will drain them from it and eventually the relationship will die. It will happen time and again. I hope that you are seeing a therapist regularly about this, and if you aren't then you may want to seriously consider setting up a therapist to help you work on yourself before you attempt to work on a relationship of any sort.

 

You can find happiness and security in your life, but you have to find the capacity for it inside yourself, first. Then, and only then will your jealousy begin to subside.

[NiCoLe20]

hey girl,

 

every girl has been in your place. we all experience these emoitions of jealousy and hatred and envy when it comes to relationships. i still am this way to a certain level but ive chilled out a bit. im about your age so i can relate.

 

the way i think of things is like this: if my boyfriend thought i wasnt attractive at all, he wouldnt give me the time of day. obviously, my b/f is attracted to me physically and emotionally...i mean, if he thought i was ugly, im sure he wouldnt be with me.

 

at times i do get jealous when i see a model type girl pass by but i try not to let it bother me. if he wants to play games with my head and look at these girls, your damn right i will do the same thing back to him and look at hot guys. its like a game.

 

just try to ignore it. he wouldnt be with you if he didnt like you... just keep reminding yourself about that. i dont know whats causing the jealousy but im guessing it has to deal with your self confidence and appearance. people dont change overnight and what you were born with, you have no choice but to keep... get what i mean? theres always things to do to make urself feel better, get your nails done, new makeup, clothes, shoes, perfume, haircut, highlights... the list goes on and on! just chill out and not worry so much... if you cant stop it, talk to a therapist or counsellor and figure out whats goin on!!

[lisamonique86]

ohhhh yes i forgot to mention:

 

all the stuff about girls is all fair and well, but i get jealous of him being around his guy friends when im not there. im afraid theyll talk about how hot girls are and watch porn or something. it makes me feel sick in the stomach to think he is thinking about another girl sexually :S

 

thanks for ur replies so far...................

[Toni_no12002]

im very like you i cant stand to think that my boyfriend is looking at other women sexually it drives me mad!!!.i think it was very wrong of him to put his ex up on his website!maybe unless he had her there before and forgot to take it off.id talk to him and tell him that this makes you feel unloved etc.tell him that you are his gf now and he should treat you with respect.tell him if he still likes this girl so much why is he with you.tell him you need to know becauses its hurting you.if he says he still has feeling for this girl id advise a break because it will drive you crackers.tell him that you will get back with him when this girl is totally out of his mind and life.maybe then you will get the attention you deserve

[Mr.positive]

The first step is admitting that your jealous which you have done. Most people wouldn't do that. You can get through these issues. It won't be over night but with hard work and time They will dissapear little by little. I would recomend some type of martial arts training. It will make you much stronger in yourself which will help you get over the jealousy issues. Good luck!!

[lisamonique86]

Originally posted by Toni_no12002

im very like you i cant stand to think that my boyfriend is looking at other women sexually it drives me mad!!!.i think it was very wrong of him to put his ex up on his website!maybe unless he had her there before and forgot to take it off.id talk to him and tell him that this makes you feel unloved etc.tell him that you are his gf now and he should treat you with respect.tell him if he still likes this girl so much why is he with you.tell him you need to know becauses its hurting you.if he says he still has feeling for this girl id advise a break because it will drive you crackers.tell him that you will get back with him when this girl is totally out of his mind and life.maybe then you will get the attention you deserve

 

thanks for your post.

for the record, it was up before we met, but the fact that i found it still there made me upset/jealous. he can be quite supportive of me but when i act jealous he doesnt know what to do and can get angry etc which just makes me upset and want to crawl up and die

 

we had another petty fight online last night... he mentioned possibly doing a small volunteer radio show and my thought pattern went crazy as usual. "what will he talk about?? what music will he put on and will it have some underlying meaning? what if he goes out afterwards and meets girls?? "

 

its these crazy thoughts that make him not want to be with me. i can understand cos i voice them in a way which makes out like i am just dissing everything he suggests. for example i will be like oh yeah when he first says it and will be all distant and stuff, asking him questions that probably makes him feel sad that i dont approve of what he does or looks down on him. but really, its just cos im jealous and afraid of what could possibly come out of it.

 

lisa

[lisamonique86]

bump, just wondering if anyone else had been through this, or if theres any more suggestions/advice.

 

so far u guys have been helpful, thanks!!

 

Leeseeee

[Barby]

I have to say (I believe this was already stated above) the best thing that you can do in order to help with your jealousy problem is to work on your self esteem. As I'm sure you probably know better than anyone else....it really doesn't have anything to do with him or his ex...it is all about personal insecurities and the need to compare yourself to others and hear him tell you that you're better.....

 

 

It isn't fair to him or yourself....he shouldn't have to answer for his past choices, his past is just that...the past and he has no reason to have to apologize nor feel bad for it. Nor do you or anyone else for that matter.

 

 

You mentioned that you've been admitted to a psych ward twice over this....that screams out a lot. It goes WAY deeper than your relationship...honestly it could be something medication could help with or therapy. I mean some jealousy is normal but driving you to suicide is NOT normal nor healthy (as you well know). I hope with all honesty that you can get yourself better and soon because being young you still have plenty of time to fix your insecurities, ect before it causes you to push all the (future) bf's away.

 

Okay I'm sure I've written enough and bored you to sleep by now so I'll stop, but one final thought....obviously he chose to be with you for a reason.....

[lisamonique86]

Originally posted by Barby

I have to say (I believe this was already stated above) the best thing that you can do in order to help with your jealousy problem is to work on your self esteem. As I'm sure you probably know better than anyone else....it really doesn't have anything to do with him or his ex...it is all about personal insecurities and the need to compare yourself to others and hear him tell you that you're better.....

 

 

It isn't fair to him or yourself....he shouldn't have to answer for his past choices, his past is just that...the past and he has no reason to have to apologize nor feel bad for it. Nor do you or anyone else for that matter.

 

 

You mentioned that you've been admitted to a psych ward twice over this....that screams out a lot. It goes WAY deeper than your relationship...honestly it could be something medication could help with or therapy. I mean some jealousy is normal but driving you to suicide is NOT normal nor healthy (as you well know). I hope with all honesty that you can get yourself better and soon because being young you still have plenty of time to fix your insecurities, ect before it causes you to push all the (future) bf's away.

 

Okay I'm sure I've written enough and bored you to sleep by now so I'll stop, but one final thought....obviously he chose to be with you for a reason.....

 

 

let me start by saying thankyou for your views

 

i have been aware of major self esteem issues for quite some time now. i know it's not the right thing to place blame, keep that in mind as i say the following: my father died when i was at a vulnerable age- just before i turned 14. this was the time i was developing vital relationship skills, how to cope with various situations etc. i had no one around that really fragile stage of my life to tell me that i was ok, loved pretty, whatever a girl my age needed to hear. so as i grew older, i began to need it more and more from other people, similar to the way a leech draws blood from people. you could say ive been acting like a parasite, trying to survive on nothhing but other people.

 

i think these posts have been poking at something that i already knew, but was too stubborn to admit: IM the one who needs to tell myself all this stuff. but anyone whos been in my shoes will know that its hard to draw on something that you never learnt or were never shown. i think people that were raped/molested have sililar self esteem issues. and like me, also have very twisted ideas about relationships. i dont know whats wrong or right anymore but am starting (slowly albeit) to get a grip on what is right thank god.

 

i feel very proud after all this time (and many thanks to my boyfriend- i love you and couldnt have gotten there withough you-) i have finally conquered the fear, loathing, hate and feelings of inferiority to his exes and realise that i am the one he wants. its a HUGE weight that has been lifted from my shoulders and it HASNT BEEN EASY.

 

no no never feel like you've written "too much" that its bored me to sleep- i started this thread with that intention exactly- I am 100% open to everyones opinions, advice, personal experiences and worries of their own.

 

As for the medication and psych ward deals, I am on medication which seems to be doing a good job (the last antidepressants i was on did not work nearly as well) for the record especially for people in the same boat reading this thread I am on Efexor-XR 150Mg Daily and Epilim (also used to control epilepsy, but i use it as a mood stabiliser) 800 Mg Daily. BTW efexor is categorised medically as "Venlafaxine as the Hydrochlordide"

 

thankyou once again for your post. it was blunt and to the point but only upon second reading a few hours later was i able to be mature and make an adult response.

 

Lisaaaaa

[Outcast]

Meds are fine but your jealousy is abnormal and you need talk therapy as well. The loss of your father should not have caused your self-esteem issue; there are lots of women who grow up with fathers and don't regularly get told they are pretty, etc. You need to learn how to value yourself and that your value lies not in what your face looks like but what kind of person you are.

 

Call your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist and tell him about your jealousy and insecurity issues so he'll know the best person to refer you to.

[Hopeless89]

a lot of this problem you are having has to do with self control. i am insanely jealous of my partners friends and what he does when im not around but i can keep it under control without freaking out. there have been times ill admit where i did flip out and thank God i have such an understanding boyfriend or he would have left me by now. see when i start to feel jealous or scared i just think about all the things my boyfriend has sacrificed to be with me, he's given up most of his friends, he rarely talks to them anymore just because he knows how upset it will make me. he's there for me everyday and is always affectionate and sweet and my boyfriend also gets angry when having to reassure me he's not gonna leave me so lately ive just kind of shut up when it comes to asking those questions because i think - why would he have done all of that sacrificing for me if he was just going to leave me? makes no sense. u just have to learn to keep everything under control. take deep breaths when you start to feel paranoid and think about how he is with you and no one else. good luck

[Fetish 2]

hi Lisa,

 

Congratulations on overcoming this problem.

 

To tell you the truth, when i read your posts, it scared me as I it reminded me of myself so much and everything you described, I could completely relate to.. worrying when he wanted to go out or suggested something, that he had alterior motives, looking into every word, email etc he sent out....

 

I too met him when he was with his ex girlfriend and i too went out with them while they were together. Their relationship was also souring when I met him and we "dated" (went out alone once or twice a week but never did anything) while they were together, and became a couple once they broke it off. I am also 19..

 

My jealousy issue is what's ruining an almost perfect relationship. Other things that bother me are also when he goes out with his mates and i worry about what they are talking about, worry that he is having a good time without me etc etc the list goes on.

 

I know many people say it is about self assurance, however i think this is only a small part of the problem. For starters, Im sure that the way we started our relationships lingers in our minds constantly. As much as they will deny it, in a way, I still believe i stole my bf from his ex, and am in the constant fear that another girl will come along and have the connection that i did with him, and as karma goes, serve to me what i did.

 

I guess,I dont know how, but i managed to get into a habbit of being constantly wondering what he is up to, what he is doing etc and I don't know whether its because im scared or because i can't, fix things. Alot of the time he gets frustrated and angry that i, after 2 years cant drop this, and that adds fuel to my fire as I accuse him of not understanding, but truthfully, I can completely understand why he would be so frustrated and am surprised he has stayed with me throughout.

 

So my question is, how did you overcome this? I ask this out of curiosity and realllly hope i can take some advice from you, or atleast know it can be done. I say this as for so long i believe ive been equipped to change this, I just havent from that fear i described that once i let some of my holds over him losen...he will hurt me...

 

Sorry this post has been so long! i think this is a record for me! But i could relate soooo much and I can't sleep!!

[RecordProducer]

Actually it sounds to me like you had legitimate reasons to be jealous. He was hugging her and holding hands with his ex, kept things that reminded him of her; her half-nude picture is on his web site (and not yours, dressed), her picture was in his bed... was he masturbating or what?

 

I would go crazy as well. If he didn't tell you how beautiful you are then he wasn't really in love with you. He was supposed to tell you that your jealousy was ridiculous and that you're the one he wants and loves. But with every step he made you feel less important and desirable than his ex.

You can't compete with someone he loves. Move on!

[Spectre]

 

it makes me feel sick in the stomach to think he is thinking about another girl sexually :S

 

 

So you never think other guys are sexy? never not once while you were with him? and you have never been sexual with any guys other than him?

[lisamonique86]

hi Lisa,

 

Congratulations on overcoming this problem.

 

To tell you the truth, when i read your posts, it scared me as I it reminded me of myself so much and everything you described, I could completely relate to.. worrying when he wanted to go out or suggested something, that he had alterior motives, looking into every word, email etc he sent out....

 

I too met him when he was with his ex girlfriend and i too went out with them while they were together. Their relationship was also souring when I met him and we "dated" (went out alone once or twice a week but never did anything) while they were together, and became a couple once they broke it off. I am also 19..

 

My jealousy issue is what's ruining an almost perfect relationship. Other things that bother me are also when he goes out with his mates and i worry about what they are talking about, worry that he is having a good time without me etc etc the list goes on.

 

I know many people say it is about self assurance, however i think this is only a small part of the problem. For starters, Im sure that the way we started our relationships lingers in our minds constantly. As much as they will deny it, in a way, I still believe i stole my bf from his ex, and am in the constant fear that another girl will come along and have the connection that i did with him, and as karma goes, serve to me what i did.

 

I guess,I dont know how, but i managed to get into a habbit of being constantly wondering what he is up to, what he is doing etc and I don't know whether its because im scared or because i can't, fix things. Alot of the time he gets frustrated and angry that i, after 2 years cant drop this, and that adds fuel to my fire as I accuse him of not understanding, but truthfully, I can completely understand why he would be so frustrated and am surprised he has stayed with me throughout.

 

So my question is, how did you overcome this? I ask this out of curiosity and realllly hope i can take some advice from you, or atleast know it can be done. I say this as for so long i believe ive been equipped to change this, I just havent from that fear i described that once i let some of my holds over him losen...he will hurt me...

 

Sorry this post has been so long! i think this is a record for me! But i could relate soooo much and I can't sleep!!

hey,

 

im glad to FINALLY meet someone who understands!!

 

please email me at [email protected]

 

i check my emails every day except on the weekends.

hope to hear from you soon.

by the way, it appears i wasnt "over" the problem.

 

lisa