Painful and lonely separation

[Spurned]

First off, this website rocks and I've felt much better reading through all of your posts.

 

My story briefly: Met my wife at the hospital where her dad was having surgery. I was an intern at the time. We exchanged info, had a whirlwind romance and fell in love. She moved in with me four months later. Two years later, we were engaged (asked her in France by the Eiffel Tower), and we were married in November 2004. Seven months later, after a particularly nasty argument, she left me and moved to her house in another city.

 

Things she told me: She is tired of the arguing, the fact that I didn't have sex with her as much as she wanted, of the fact I never made an effort in our relationship to take charge as a husband. It is true that she handled ALL the details of our life together (she organized all vacations, managed finances, cooked for me, etc.) I am a resident and used that quite often as an excuse for not having the energy or time to do those things (which was true some of the time as well). She has told me she has no hope for our relationship, she has checked out of the marriage, is going to live as a single woman (we're just separated right now) who will date other people, and that I should do the same. She says she needs time and space to sort through things.

 

I found out that she had been having serial emotional affairs (she's a model and travels quite often) with people she met in other cities by reading some of her old emails. When confronted, she told me she knew I couldn't handle it but she felt lonely and that she could never communicate with me. It is true that she tried to leave me several times and I begged her back. It is true that she asked us to go to counseling before getting married and several times after we were married, but I always said I was too busy as a doctor. I really messed it up. So she said she just decided that it I couldn't communicate with her, and that she turned to other people. As far as I know, sex was NEVER involved (she is adamant about that), but these guys really fell for her.

 

Of course, I went crazy, read some posts here and read Stop Your Divorce, Love Must Be Tough. I promptly ignored all the advice and called her, emailed her sweet notes, all the while annoying her.

 

We have been separated for 6 weeks, and she has come home a couple of times and it's been a disaster. The bitterness of the separation, the fact she is seeing other men, ALWAYS comes up no matter how hard I try to avoid it. Either she or I end up in tears and she says neither of us is in a position to handle each other right now. I recently flew to her city to spend a couple days with her. We always sleep in the same bed, have sex. I found a cell phone one of her new men gave her so she could talk with him without my knowing. He texts her that he loves her, etc. When I asked her about it, she matter of factly said he is a nice guy, she doesn't love anybody more than me, but she will not give him or any other guy up as it's time for her to be selfish and feel good about herself. She says she gave 100% to our marriage and never felt I gave anything in return.

 

I think one thing that REALLY prompted her leaving was that her younger sister recently had a second baby and her older brother and his wife are pregnant with their third child. She told me that evaluating her life, she wanted a HUSBAND and not a CHILD and could not see me being a father much less a husband (she's 33, I'm 29 and admittedly a little more immature).

 

That is where we stand. Every time I see her, we kiss and cuddle, but she says she's just too apprehensive about me being able to change and maintain some maturity in our relationship.

 

I showed her divorce papers one time we were together and she broke down crying. She sobbed that she hated that I was pushing her, asking why everything had to be resolved overnight, that life is not like medicine where we find a diagnosis and treat right away, that she needed time and space to sort things out. A couple things she made clear to me: She does not want a divorce, but she does not want to be with me either. YIKES.

 

Let me summarize, and please give me your opinion:

 

1. I've been an idiot. I must give her the time and space she requires. She has told me that I need to show her I can RESPECT her and that I can be PATIENT. So I'm fully implemented NO CONTACT as of two days ago.

 

2. I believe she doesn't respect me as a man. She got tired of taking care of everything, her career and our personal life. She pities me because I am so clingy and so tearful every time I beg her to come back to me. I need to try to grow stronger and to move on.

 

3. She told me she hasn't given up hope yet on our marriage, that she loves me and misses me but is being strong so she can sort things out. I know she is seeing other people who really want her (she's hot and affable). She says she has kissed other guys and eventually will probably sleep with other people. Ouch.

 

Questions for the experts: With no contact, I know I shouldn't contact her. What to do when she calls me to check up on me? She has called me a couple of times saying she felt weak and missed me, and at other times to return my call, and at other times to see how I was doing.

 

She has told my friends, she DID NOT LEAVE ME FOR someone else, that she left for herself. She is angry that I am fixated on the other men she's seeing and not on the problems we had during our marriage.

 

Anyways, I'm a romantic and I committed to this woman my life. I want things to work out. Do you have any suggestions for improving myself and giving this the best chance possible? I know some of you might say, she's probably ****ing other guys and might have done it during your marriage, let go of her and stop being an idiot, but in spite of the emotional infidelity, I understand what she's said and believe there's a lot of truth to her being lonely, not taken care of. She thinks of me as a child which is somewhat true.

 

I appreciate any thoughts, especially about what to do if she calls me.

[Art_Critic]

You need to be in Marriage Counseling.. Stat !!

 

If she doesn't want to do that and work on the marriage WITHOUT dating anyone..

( you can't work on a marriage if you are seeing other people )

Then you need to give her the best of all gifts for hurtful people like that... A Divorce ..

 

She is using you till she finds a guy that she can latch onto ..

 

 

Get into MC even if it just for yourself..

 

MC can also do some good in the fact that if the marriage is a lost cause it will help you move on and deal with the up coming events and pitfalls that can happen in a divorce

[Spurned]

I'm seeing a therapist for myself because this has been emotionally devastating to me.

 

I've asked her to go with me. She says it's too soon, she really doesn't feel like she wants to work on the marriage anymore because she's tried all of this time without any reciprocation from me.

 

I know, I know. Serve her papers. But my heart won't let go of the possibility for reconciliation and a stronger marriage than we ever had before.

 

I honestly can't believe that a woman who loved me for four years will give that up for men she has only known for three or four months. I'm a good person, kind at heart, have a promising career, have similar goals in life to hers. I just don't see her divorcing me and I'm probably not smart enough to see it until she remarries.

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by Spurned

But my heart won't let go of the possibility for reconciliation and a stronger marriage than we ever had before.

 

There is no possibility for reconciliation if you are the only one in Therapy.

 

When the time is right you should change your therapy sessions from how do I get her back to how do I get out of this marriage with my dignity and sanity.

 

I used MC the way I just explained and it helped me make the decisions I needed..

In the begining we make decisions based on emotion.. Then later when all hope is lost we need to push ourselves and make the decisions based on what is healthy for us.

 

I was married for 5 years and my wife was mentally ill..I was very conflicted with the values, morals and my vows that it took my about 6 months to realize that the healthiest moves I could make for me was divorce.. Which I filed and 4 years later I am still glad I did..

 

Cheers

[Ladyjane14]

I wouldn't say this lightly.... I'm very much in favor of marriage and "working it out", generally speaking. But my advice to you is to divorce her and NEVER look back.

 

She's emotionally immature, and doesn't have the skills to make a good partner. She won't manage to dig deep and work hard through the REAL problems when they eventually come. Her tendancies today are narcississtic. That would probably not be a problem if she was 23 instead of 33. At 33....this is who she really is. She's not growing out of it.

 

You may have been neglectful in the marriage. But honestly, you didn't do anything so terrible as all that. You're working through your residency...and that is understandably difficult enough. Rather than supporting you emotionally, she has taken this already challenging portion of your life, and made it all about HER. What will she do when life hands out some REAL challenges?

 

You can do better. I know it hurts like a b*tch, but you're going to want more depth from a partner later on in life. And you have a right to expect that, same as everyone else.

 

The quickest and most painless way to end the marriage is to see a lawyer, file the papers, and get her served as soon as possible. It will decrease the chaos in your life to let your attorney do his/her job, while you stay out of it.

 

Consider changing your phone numbers, and email addresses. When she does contact you....and she will....forward her on to your attorney.

 

You didn't do anything all that bad. If you did, you didn't post it here. Let her problems be her problems. She brought them on herself. If you didn't learn it in med school, you'll learn soon enough that "you can't save every one".

 

Let it go. Find some happiness.

[Spurned]

Thank you for your insight.

 

It's been six weeks of downright torture. I know she loves me and misses me.

 

For now, I will continue to comfort myself with the possibility that the no contact policy will let her miss me a little, gain some respect for my strength. I'm working out, continuing to pursue my academic and medical endeavors and getting stronger by the day. That's not to say it's without any ups and downs, for some days I'm still reduced to a sobbing moron.

 

I'm not completely stupid. I've already taken steps to separate our finances and am sketching out how to divide our assets. Still, I can't say I haven't dragged my feet a little bit. Or dragged my heart, I should say. But the divorce process is long and I'm not in a rush to file paperwork. The way I see it, it will get done eventually if that's what's meant to be. Whether or not I file them now, I can still work on myself and work on deficiencies I believe I had in our marriage.

 

Love her so much. Know we could be so great. Just wish there were a way to show her this, even if I can't talk to her, hold her, or message her.

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by Spurned

I'm not completely stupid. I've already taken steps to separate our finances and am sketching out how to divide our assets.

 

Good.. Just remember to protect yourself at all costs..Someone who would do this to you will also pull alot of different heart wrenching stunts..

 

It wouldn't hurt to pull your credit report and contact the credit agencies to put a lock down on your credit or at least monitor it every few months.

 

A wife can open and use your credit as if it was hers for a whole slew of things ( to a limit) and if she is put in a bind for need for money.. ie: attorney.. you may wind up paying the price and brunt of it. if you are not careful.

 

I know you said that you are already seperating finances.. you might cancel all joint credit cards that she can use or report them stolen.. I'm not saying cancel her cards or do her any harm.. I'm saying you need to protect yourself against.. maybe paying to furnish her new apartment..

[Spurned]

Thanks LJ. Reality hurts.

 

I know I didn't do anything so terrible; my friends and colleagues have repeatedly told me I am not completely at fault here. I NEVER cheated on her, hit her, drank, lied, or ANYTHING. My biggest crime was being a little baby when she needed a man.

 

I know it's not fair to her to want a husband and to get a boy. I also know that I can't mature in the way she wants within a few weeks or even months.

 

But I'm working on it. Still won't file paperwork yet. Still acting as if I'm moving on with my life.

 

I'll try to keep everyone posted.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Spurned

I know it's not fair to her to want a husband and to get a boy. I also know that I can't mature in the way she wants within a few weeks or even months.

 

You're buying into her excuses. I think that's understandable. A person who is betrayed like this wants so badly to understand how it happened.

 

The fact is....your WIFE is dating. That's unacceptable in terms of the standard marital relationship. It's unnecessarily hurtful.

 

If she truly just wanted to get your attention, she could have done that without introducing other men into the separation. That's not what she did though, is it?

 

There's a poster over at marriagebuilders.com that you might be able to relate to. His screen-name is "lemonman". You might consider reading his threads and some of his posts. His story seems to have some similarities with yours.

 

Remember this as you deal with your situation. When actions and words don't meet....you're not hearing the truth.

[Ladyjane14]

p.s. The most likely "Truth" is that one of her side relationships probably got interesting. I say that because the other story that she's fed you just doesn't sound logical.

 

It's unfortunately VERY common for a WS (wayward spouse) to leave the marriage in order to explore a new relationship....all the while trying to maintain their home-deal on the back burner.

 

While it's true that she probably was NOT having her needs met in the marital relationship, that doesn't excuse her infidelity. Because if it was all about wanting to have her needs met by YOU....she wouldn't be seeing other men.

[Spurned]

Yikes, lemonman's story was heartbreaking!!!

 

I am still moving on with my life. Work hasn't stopped for me. We're not sharing any financial obligations and are physically living lives apart from one another.

 

But these words of hers reverberate in my mind all the time:

I haven't given up hope for us.

I would be proud if we were able to get back together.

You were the only guy I ever considered giving my life to.

 

I haven't mustered the strength yet to give her the ultimatum, to give up this crap and to work on our marriage. I fear she's too strong right now, and would scoff at me.

 

I haven't made the transition from wanting her to NOT wanting her yet. My therapist says it will eventually happen and no one can predict when it will happen.

 

When the strength and transition occur I'll lawyer up, I swear it. For now I don't think a few weeks of peace away from each other can't hurt either of us in the long run.

[RecordProducer]

I don't see that anything is wrong with this woman. She is not immature. She stated her reasons for leaving. You admitted she was right. She doesn't sleep with other guys, she loves you, but doesn't believe in your relationship.

 

I think you should ask her to give you another chance. That means you should really change and be what she wants. It's a bit hard. On the other hand, she seems to know you well enough and although she loves you, she just doesn't see you two together in the future.

 

Give her some time and prove that you have changed. In any case, don't be so clingy. Be a real man!

 

Organize something, do something! Women hate men who talk and do nothing.

[Spurned]

Honestly, I've begged and pleaded for another chance. She tells me it would be more like giving me an 18th chance. I think she just hates that I was so weak. I'm trying to appear stronger and more reserved now, even through I'm having such inner turmoil.

 

One thing that was wrong, though, was that she turned to other men for emotional support and used them as confidantes. I really have issue with that, but now is not the time to bring it up. I learned this the hard way. It only makes her defensive, bitter, resentful, and pushes her too far.

 

I'm through crying and clinging in front of her, I really am. No contact is the rule. Today is our 9 month wedding anniversary and I haven't called, written, or texted her. Not that she would, but if she called today or soon do I answer?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Spurned

I'm through crying and clinging in front of her, I really am. No contact is the rule. Today is our 9 month wedding anniversary and I haven't called, written, or texted her. Not that she would, but if she called today or soon do I answer?

 

Good for you. I don't understand why showing your emotions should be considered as less than manly though.

 

Men are just as subject to human emotions as women are. If YOU were the one who was acting out so disrespectfully in the marriage, and DATING OTHER WOMEN!!! ....I bet she'd have probably had an emotional moment or two herself.

 

You need Reservoirdog1. I think if you read through some of his posts, you might gain some perspective when you've studied the worst case scenario. So far, I'm not convinced your wife isn't cut of the same mold as RD's ex.

 

And no....don't answer if she calls. If you're in NO CONTACT, you're back to square one everytime you allow her to dictate terms. Contact should be reserved for when she's done playing around with other guys....and not one minute before then.

 

Make sure she knows that too. Otherwise, you're just looking like an a*hole from her perspective, because she doesn't know why you aren't talking to her. Give her the roadmap home first.

 

Just my opinion.

[RecordProducer]

Nooooooo, don't do NC. It makes no sense in your situation. I mean you can leave her alone for a few days so that she starts missing you, but not start NC. NC is for those who are permanently broken up or set ultimatums. That is not the case here.

 

You need to stop whining and crying. You must be cheerful and happy when you're around her. Don't talk about anything bad. Don't talk about the two of you!!!!

 

Just give her presents, make love to her, talk to her about nice things, as if you're on your second date. Bring back the old times, wake up the passion that you have suffocated with whatever behavior she didn't like.

 

Forget the other guys, they are irrelevant. She just sought attention and got it. They mean nothing to her. Okay forget the begging for another chance. Seduce her as if you've never slept together before. And normally a man wouldn't succeed in that by crying and begging, right?

 

Just be sweet, cool, and seductive. Sweep her off her feet! That's your last chance. Otherwise, things don't look so good, to tell you the truth. So don't screw up!

 

With all respect to LadyJane, this is really not the time when you can set rules and claim rights, because you want her back and she doesn't want to come back. So any conditions you'd demand or criticizing would just piss her off and assure her that she made the right decision by leaving you. She left and is seeing other guys. She doesn't want you back. It makes no sense that you ask her to stop seeing them or change when she is the one who left because she wanted YOU to be different.

 

This reminds me of when I was 21, I left my BF cuz he was full of faults. He wanted me back, I didn't want him anymore. He told me "We could work things out if you're willing to change." I was like "Are you crazy or what? I left you because of your personality and you don't want to change, but I should change?"

 

By unwritten rule the one who should change, compromise, and bend over is the one who wants the relationship back, and not the one who wants to leave! You're not in a position to play any role but a knight. Not yet.

[Spurned]

You guys are giving me great advice, and I follow the reasoning of both your posts, BUT you're each recommending different things!!!!

 

Still confused and hurt.

 

Not sure if I should answer her next phone call (if I ever get a next phone call).

[Ladyjane14]

What RecordProducer is describing is essentially the marriagebuilders Plan A, minus the necessary groundrules. That could work for you.

 

The groundrules are pretty simple....you present your WS with an attractive alternative to continuing her current path towards divorce, BUT you also call her to accountability in her responsibilities as your wife. There's alot of information over there about this, and overall it's a good plan.

 

Plan A allows you to continue to fulfill your WS's emotional needs and to be supportive of her while she's working through her issues. But it also demands that you make clear boundaries in regards to what you expect of her. For example, a WS who elects to leave the marital home would NOT get monetary support from you. You would only be helping to fund her desertion.

 

Personally, I think you are in a Plan B situation. Plan B would be NO CONTACT. It is designed for the WS who is off the fence, and committed to her cheating path. It forces her to live with the consequences of her actions. It gives her a peek through the window of divorce, at a life without you in it.

 

Plan B is the last resort. It's important to understand that. It doesn't work when you approach it with less than 100% dedication. And it's rules are simple.

 

You write the Plan B letter. You let her know that you truly love her. You tell her that there is NOTHING you want more than a loving marriage with her. You give her the roadmap home. Usually, that's an overview of your expectations...things like NO CONTACT with the OM, and sometimes marriage counseling. That sort of thing. The gist of it is that you tell her that you'll be available to talk when she gets serious about reconciliation. Then you make yourself scarce while she deals with the fall-out and chaos of her choices.

 

The decision on what action to take is yours...because the risk is yours. We'll still be supportive, here at LS, no matter what you decide.

 

But I hope you won't delude yourself that this is not an infidelity situation.

 

Originally posted by Spurned

I found a cell phone one of her new men gave her so she could talk with him without my knowing. He texts her that he loves her, etc. When I asked her about it, she matter of factly said he is a nice guy, she doesn't love anybody more than me, but she will not give him or any other guy up as it's time for her to be selfish and feel good about herself.

 

How many women have you said the "L" word to....that you were NOT sexual with? We're not talking about boys here. It doesn't count if you were in eighth grade saying "I love you" to your first girlfriend.

 

This is one of the things that leads me to believe she is lying to you about her relationships with these other men.

 

You two have developed a pattern here. She expresses uncertainty about the relationship, then leaves it. You pursue her and bring her back.

 

How long do you want to be doing that anyway? Will it still work when there are children involved and the stakes are higher?

 

It's true....the "pattern" says, you could sweeten her up and get her back. But is that what you want to do the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that?

 

She played the immaturity card on you, and you believed her. But it's more likely she, herself, who is immature. She's the one who can't be honest.

 

If this was REALLY only about problems in the relationship....she wouldn't be seeing other men. And it's unlikely that she's chaste as she says, or they probably wouldn't be professing love for her. (I hope you get tested, btw. And if you do get into a sexual encounter with her, protect yourself.)

 

I stand by my original advice to you....divorce her and NEVER look back. You're selling yourself short here.

 

But if you just have to have THIS particular woman....at least spend some time thinking about the future of the relationship, and setting up your boundaries.

 

You can change the pattern NOW, or you can be destined to repeat it for the length of the marriage....which will NOT be a lifetime, btw. There's only so much upheaval a person can live with.

[Spurned]

It's so sad. My mind says they've had sex. My heart wants to deny it.

 

You know what makes me angry? I could file for divorce, let her have her freedom, and then what? One of these other guys will swoop in to rush her to the altar to have the children she's always wanted?

 

Or let's say she develops cancer and needs months of intensive chemotherapy. Who would be willing to spend the nights in the hospital with her making sure she was comfortable? Me? Or one of these "princes" who treat her so well?

 

Affairs of the heart are so difficult to comprehend.

[nyr_fan]

I also agree with the NC. I think she is being allowed to see all these other guys, whether its emotionally and/or physically (personally I wouldn't doubt physical stuff as well) while you are the one suffering.

 

Honestly, I've begged and pleaded for another chance. She tells me it would be more like giving me an 18th chance. I think she just hates that I was so weak. I'm trying to appear stronger and more reserved now, even through I'm having such inner turmoil.

 

The one thing we all agree on I think is you have to stop the whining, begging, and pleading. She definetly wont respect that, and that might show some weakness.

 

As time goes by, your feelings may change daily. Don't do anything drastic too soon. Just play it out as it comes. Don't force the issue. It's easier said than done, but in my situation, as time goes by, it gets easier to accept. It still hurts, but is a little easier.

[Spurned]

Trust me, I know full well how begging and pleading have gotten me nowhere and in fact have set back any chance of respect for myself.

 

I know she feels sorry for me and has a special place in her heart for me. I checked her voicemail on her cell phone once and she saved a message I left for her two weeks ago. On the message, I was crying and sobbing like a little baby. Whether she keeps this saved on her voicemail because it makes her think fondly of me or because it's an ego boost, I couldn't tell. Probably the latter, says the cynic in me.

 

I'll reserve the pleading and tears for my pillow at night alone.

 

I'm trying to get myself angry at her for the deception and probably physical affairs. Still can't do it fully, as my heart and mind are still trying to sort out how my wife and love of the last four years could ever do this to me.

 

From her perspective, what could she POSSIBLY by thinking?

[Spurned]

Hey, quick question: I've been reading about Plan A and Plan B over at marriagebuilders.

 

Given my situation, do you think it's wise to reveal my wife's indiscretions to her parents/family? Or would it make me look like a complete ass?

 

I guess I'm kind of in Plan B right now but I never revealed the infidelity to anyone else as per Plan A guidelines.

 

Any help is appreciated.

 

Still maintaining no contact and am proud of myself.

[Ladyjane14]

I would only expose to people who had a direct influence on the affair partners. Personally, I think it's a bad idea to expose to extended family members....UNLESS you really believe that there would be a positive effect to be had.

 

Exposing to an OM's wife or committed SO is essential. It brings pressure to bear on the OM. Often, if the adultery is committed in the workplace, exposure there is beneficial as well.

 

I'd select carefully, however, among family members. That's just me though. You'll hear differently from others. My reasoning is that after reconciliation, it's often very difficult to elicit forgiveness from extended family, and they can make the recovery process difficult.

[Spurned]

Whew!!! That was heavy. I just found out by looking at her airline account that they were in New York together this weekend. I knew she was seeing other guys, but flying to a different city together? Undoubtedly shacking up together in a hotel room within 6 weeks of leaving me? OUCH!!!

 

So, I basically called her mom and left a detailed voicemail outlining the infidelity, and I talked on the phone with her brother. I feel empowered. I feel somewhat vindicated. I think you all were right: I bought into her excuses and convinced myself I was a bad husband and that she NEEDED outside attention. Her family was convinced that she should give me a second chance, but it's HER who should be asking for the second chance. Funny, she probably still doesn't think she did anything wrong. The fact is, she went outside the marriage more than once and is now involved in a physical affair (in my view, maybe not in hers as she considers herself a separated woman). It's kind of humiliating.

 

I can't wait to reap the aftermath of my talks with her family. I'm sure she'll be livid but she deserves it for all the pain she's put me through over the last couple months.

 

I'm getting closer to retaining a lawyer. I've got to let my head cool a little bit first before doing anything REALLY stupid.

[nyr_fan]

I hope everything works out, Spurned. I am in the same boat as you. I have been doing NC with my wife for about three weeks now. It definetly helps because it gives me time to cool off and get my head straight so I can figure out what I'm going to do.

 

The more time that goes by, you really get to think alot about how humiliated she made you feel, and that she is in the driver seat.

 

As far as plan A or B, I think plan B is the way to go. From what I understand, you still have to be together, or at least living together to make Plan A work, because that's when you try to be extra nice, agree with her all the time, tell her to cut ALL contact with the other guy, etc. But if she dosent cooperate or moves out, Plan B is the way to go. NO CONTACT. Make her see what it's like without you. This is where you will learn alot. Things will work out for the best no matter what happens. Hang in there.

[Spurned]

thanks for the reply nyr.

 

I still love her a lot