noclobber Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 hello everyone, i am from India and new to this site. i have been in the USA for 6 years now but i don't have a clue when it comes to dating as i have never done it before. i have posted my story below and would love to hear from you, especially the women! its quite a long story so be patient around 2 months ago i met an american woman (she is actually half-german/half-japanese) in the train when we both were returning back from work from san francisco. we started chatting and it went really well. after some days i met her again and it happened that we both were getting the train from the same stop but just at different times. this time again we had a good chat and she proposed that we meet for lunch (she works in a different company but our office buildings are close). so we do lunch and that went smoothly as well and then she said we should go to the baseball game. and also she said she would love to go sky-diving with me in the next couple of weeks. i was unable to figure out whether she was interested in me or she was just being friendly. we both are in our late twenties (she is 28 and i am 29) and i know for sure that she doesn't have a boyfriend. we had some more lunches together (again it was she that initiated). when we both meet we have a very good time.. she laughs a lot, keeps adjusting her hair.. but doesn't touch me. once we both took the train at the same time but before i could sit next to her some other woman sat beside her. once the train started she started to look around for me, then got up from her seat, found me and asked that woman to trade seats with another guy that was seated next to me. i kinda felt happy but i didn't know what to make out of it. she always makes sure that i am seated next to her. at this stage i got terribly confused whether she was into me or she was just a good friend. but i decided to take my chances and so the next time i met her for lunch i gave a compliment "i have to say that u have such beautiful eyes" (she really does have wonderful eyes). she appeared to be happy and she said thanks. the same day evening while in the train i asked for her cell number and she happily gave it to me. from the next day she started sending me text messages and i felt more than happy. on friday, as planned, we went to the game but guess what? there was no game scheduled. apparently she looked at the wrong schedule. so we just decided to hang-out in San Francisco and oh my god.. we had such an unbelievable time. we talked a lot, walked along the piers, laughed a lot, got to know each other better, ate outside overlooking the bay bridge.. in a nutshell it just seemed so magical. she enjoyed it as much as i did and said "we shud do this more often". after nearly 6 hours we took the train back to our place. but one important thing to note is, all through those 6 hours she didn't touch me at all.. she was taking off for the long weekend and so in the train i said "i will miss you" and tried to hold her hands.. guess what she did? she flinched and said "u r very touchy, i don't like it" . i was confused and after that i kept quiet and bid farewell. thought i was upset with her i continued my relation with her. but now i made it a point to not touch her even by mistake. by this time she had moved to the city to a temporary place provided by her company. she seemed to continue to like me in the same way as before the "touchy" comment incident. she offered me rides in her car and she also makes sure that she takes the long route so that she can spend more time with me. now i was getting confused again. last friday we made plans for the evening. initially we thought about movies but then i suggested dinner. She agreed and she also went one step beyond and said "dinner and bowling". I felt happy as usual. So she gave a ride in her car (again she took the long route) and we went to her apartment first. She changed to jeans before we left for dinner. Once we got in the car and started towards the restaurant i gave a comment "hmmm.. somebody is looking cute in jeans". This is the first time i am seeing her in jeans and i made that comment. Guess what she did? She broke my heart by saying "Don't say that... Please don't make such comments, I am your friend!" . I felt horrible and somehow managed to hide my feelings and disappointment. at present i am seeing her only as a friend. we met for lunch again and things r going smoothly. i even spend time in her new apartment in the city. and she is still finding one way or the other to spend time with me.. like offering car rides, inviting for lunch/dinner, asking me to come to her apartment etc. now my question is what exactly is this woman upto? why is she behaving like this? am i wrong in misinterpreting her actions? i am sorry, i am completely lost. this is the first time i went out with an American woman and i have to be frank and say that i am very hurt. do such things usually happen when people go out? plz help me, thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
sanso Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 I can't speak for her, as to what her intentions are. It appers you have done everything right thus far to indicate your feelings. As a hot blooded American woman, if I were looking for a guy to date, you certainly would have caught my attention. AND, I would have reciprocated little touches or other flirty-ness to show you. So, no, I don't think that is normal behaviour, but I am more forward when it comes to things like that. There are many different personalities in this world! So I don't understand her actions, and I can't pass judgement on them either... In my opinion, if you want to see results, you seem to have two options. 1) Tell her how you feel and ask her out an official romantic date. OR 2) Never speak of how you feel about her and plan to continue this as a platonic friendship. If you tell her what YOUR intentions are, of course there is the risk of pushing her away because it will be akward after that if she doesn't return the feelings. If her heart is true to her actions, she may really only want a friendship. (But I suppose there is a small possiblity that she is playing hard to get. Having never played the game, I don't understand it.) Perhaps you can talk to her in a way that will reveal her intentions. I can't really give suggestions on what to say here, because I don't know the relationship like you do. Anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 i am from India and new to this site. i have been in the USA for 6 years now but i don't have a clue when it comes to dating as i have never done it before. God help you is all I can say... Link to post Share on other sites
Aimée Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 She broke my heart by saying "Don't say that... Please don't make such comments, I am your friend!" . I felt horrible and somehow managed to hide my feelings and disappointment. I'm sorry to say this, but she only sees you as a very very good friend and that's why she doesn't want you to touch her or make comments that signal the slightest sexual interest in her. She's either playing games with you because she seems a bit to be too old for not realizing how things work between men and women or she's some sweet cute bumpkin. Try the following if you want to find out if she's really interested in you. Treat her as a purely platonic friend for a couple of months and see how she reacts. If she's interested in you, she will become frustrated because you don't make any moves. And frustration will lead to some action. Some women will just suffer in silence, but this girl doesn't seem to be the martyr kind of girl, she's been too active in approaching you, so I'm pretty sure, she will get a bit more active should she be interested in you. If nothing happens, then there is your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Try the following if you want to find out if she's really interested in you. Treat her as a purely platonic friend for a couple of months and see how she reacts. If she's interested in you, she will become frustrated because you don't make any moves. The above is, by far, the worst advice i've seen on LS in weeks... Link to post Share on other sites
Aimée Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 The above is, by far, the worst advice i've seen on LS in weeks... Hey, what about yours? Or are they not in the race? On a second thought, it is really not such a great idea... Noclobber, stop seeing her. She's just seeing you as a friend and you will only get hurt. If you can control your feelings and like playing games, do what I said, but if not, just stay away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Noclobber, stop seeing her. She's just seeing you as a friend and you will only get hurt. . that's much better AIMEE. he should also spend his time looking for someone more "romantically appropriate." Link to post Share on other sites
Aimée Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 that's much better AIMEE. he should also spend his time looking for someone more "romantically appropriate." Well, I didn't really read all the post and just skimmed through, so I hadn't noticed that he was head over heels for her already. My advice is not good for the weak-hearted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 22, 2005 Author Share Posted September 22, 2005 Thanks for the quick replies guys I thought that my expectations were out of line but looks like they were quite reasonable. This person is really confusing and I don't know what to make out of her actions. Some important things about her. She keeps telling that she is a Feminist. She told me she shaved her head when she was in college because some guys kept telling that she looks cute. She said that she wanted to be seen as a complete person and not just as an object of beauty. Also some of her actions appear like as though she is playing games. For example, if we decide to go somewhere on say friday, she will text message me on wednesday and say "how about thursday instead of friday". I almost immediately refuse to the change and the very next day she will say "friday is actually fine with me. let's get together". She does this almost everytime. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Nur Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 I am no pro at dating by any means, but if you complimented her and her reply was, "Don't say that; we are just friends!" her feelings seem pretty obvious. She would not have been that specific if she didn't really mean it. I can understand being confused by an enigmatic response -- something that could be either flirtatious or friendly -- but that left little room for doubt. She must just want to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 What happened here most likely is that you were very "friend like" with her from the beginning. Seeing that you weren`t making a move on here she put you in the friend catagory. It sounds as though she initially made all the plans and you were a good sport about it. So, this solidified the relationship as friends. So that is what you have. It appears this woman is really not into men in a romantic, sexual way. She is likely delighted to have a guy friend. Going to be hard for you to be anything else to her in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 22, 2005 Author Share Posted September 22, 2005 Hi Neptune, Your reply really surprised me! Why would she put me in the "just friends" category? We met couple of times for lunch and then decided to go to the game. I used to touch her lightly all through that time. I then gave compliments about her beautiful eyes and also asked for her number. After we hung-out on friday I took her hands and said "i will miss you" and that's when she pulled it back and said "u r very touchy, i don't like it". May be I did something wrong because I am inexperienced when it comes to dating. So looks like when a guy meets a woman he immediately has to convey his romantic interest lest he will become "only friends" with the woman. I thought this would be rushing in too fast and make me look like I am desperate. But I could be wrong, I need to learn a lot about American Dating Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 I agree with the previous posters. She flat out doesn't seem interested in you romantically. I do have a question though: do you ever pay for any of these events out? Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 Noclobber, To answer your question: Why would she put me in the just friends category? Because the preponderance of the evidence convinced her that you were accepting a friendship. I`ve been there and done that myself. Almost exactly like you. A gal like that will be a little more touchy, feely at first but will soon draw you into line. Or should I say draw the line. I am convinced she was into you only as a friend and that is why you were "allowed" to be as close and spend as much time with her as you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 Nope, we pay for ourselves. And this is because we never went out on an "official" date!! And with all these mixed signals i didn't ask her out. I thought there is no use in asking out a woman that is uncomfortable with me touching her or giving compliments. My only question was why did she behave the way she did in the beginning and even accepted my compliments about her beautiful eyes and gave me her number? Is this normal or did I interpret anything wrong and started thinking that she was interested? That's my only question (Please remember that I am from another country and very new to the American dating world). Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 My last post was in response to KitKat's question. Neptune, I do agree with you. May be she saw me only as a friend right from the beginning and I misinterpreted something. But at the gut level I still feel that this woman lead me on in one way or the other. Well anyway i will use this as a learning experience . What else can I say... Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 I know exactly what you are saying about being lead on. I have pondered that myself. And the answer is no. She did nothing that friends would not do. Nor anything more than friends would do. That`s the bottm line. About accepting compliments? Well, friends compliment each other, that is a part of friendship. It is us guys who are not reading the situation correctly. But, with a little more experience you WILL get better. At some point you will mysteriously cross the line and it will be seldom that a woman wants you for just a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 May be I did something wrong because I am inexperienced when it comes to dating. So looks like when a guy meets a woman he immediately has to convey his romantic interest lest he will become "only friends" with the woman. If a woman is interested in a guy, she's not going to put him into the "friend zone" because he didn't make a move fast enough. If a woman is interested, she's interested. Making a move quickly is not going to make her interested if she wasn't in the first place. The only reason making a move sooner will keep you out of the "friend zone" is because she'll reject you sooner rather than later. noclobber, I think she's only interested in being friends. The fact that she got your number and she wants to spend time with you are both signs she's interested, but the fact that she doesn't want you complimenting her or touching her are fairly clear indicators that she's not romantically interested. Of course, if that's the case, it would have been considerate of her to state somewhere along the way that she only had friendship in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 What happened here most likely is that you were very "friend like" with her from the beginning. Seeing that you weren`t making a move on here she put you in the friend catagory. It sounds as though she initially made all the plans and you were a good sport about it. So, this solidified the relationship as friends. So that is what you have. It appears this woman is really not into men in a romantic, sexual way. She is likely delighted to have a guy friend. Going to be hard for you to be anything else to her in my opinion. DING DING DING !! Exactly !! If you come off as the friendly type in the beginning to a girl she will put you in the friends cat.. you should have started flirting with her from the beginning so she knows what your intentions are.. Why don't you put her to her words and try not talking to her as much. Next time you talk to her and she asks what your doing whatever day just say that you are going out on a date.. After all you are just friends to her right ? If she seems to get jealous or anything then she could be interested in you.. Some signs seems to show she is interested in you but for sure by her saying that you were just friends when you complimented her is weird.. You know what you should look at actions more than words.. She didn't touch you though so thats not a good sign. Also when you touched her (bad mistake) she got defensive.. You should always let the girl do the touching initially to judge her interest level. For example... I met a girl at a club and emailed her back and forth for a couple days.. she invited me to hang out but just as friends and didn't want me to think we were going to hook up because we weren't.. Those were her words.. Well basically that night after the club she came back to my place and we had sex so go figure.. American woman are weird !! Yes you are in that battlefield called the dating scene.. Also its never a good idea to reveal your feelings to a girl too early.. If anything act casual and emotionally uninvolved !! I have a couple of ebooks about dating if you want them.. Private Message me if you are interested. They might give you some ammo for the dating scene.. haha take care, Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 Thnx guys for the replies neptune, i couldn't comprehend ur reply completely but i am guessin that u r trying to tell me that things wud take their own course if there is mutual interest. correct me if i am wrong. crazygrl i guess u have a valid point there! even i thought about how soon can a guy possibly make a move.. this is very delicate u see.. if a guy makes his move a bit early he can come across as being desperate OR he can be seen as very interested, totally depends on whether the woman likes him or not. in the same way if a guy is quite slow he can be seen as not interested OR not man enough to make the move.. entirely depends on the woman. sorry to say this, but i believe that dating in America is brutal for men! this is just my opinion and i may be wrong as i don't have much experience. i making this statement only from what i am seeing. despite all the equal rights and feminism movement the burden of showing interest/asking out and getting hurt in the process still squarely lies on the men. and i am not even going to talk about men having to pay for everything while dating American men i really admire you!!!!!! mixwell, that was an excellent reply. did that girl really do that? wow this is unbelievable.. see these r the things that totally drive men crazy, i guess. i am definitely going to "pm" you Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 DING DING DING !! Exactly !! If you come off as the friendly type in the beginning to a girl she will put you in the friends cat.. you should have started flirting with her from the beginning so she knows what your intentions are.. Peace I honestly don't get this line of thinking from guys. I have never known this to be true among the girls I know. If anything, girls are so used to guys being aggressive with them that when they show interest but just as friends, then we become intrigued. If we are attracted to you and you don't show that true romantic interest back, we will pine for you. If we aren't attracted to you, we very well may latch on to the friendship because, well, its so rare to find. I admit, its flattering to us that a guy might actually be interested in us for something other than ass. When you then go and make attraction-related comments, you break that ideal for us. As for her accepting those comments in the beginning, well she was just feeling you and the situation out. No woman is going to turn down compliments in the beginning. For example... I met a girl at a club and emailed her back and forth for a couple days.. she invited me to hang out but just as friends and didn't want me to think we were going to hook up because we weren't.. Those were her words.. Well basically that night after the club she came back to my place and we had sex so go figure.. American woman are weird !! Women do this because they are not confident with their sexuality and what they want. They have desire and are afraid to express it. They agonize over it and make ultimatimums for themselves and others to set boundaries for the situation because they don't trust themselves nor their instincts. They tell you they are not going to hook up because they don't want you to think that they are a slut. But because of their inherent insecurity, even if they are unsure whether they want to have sex with you they do it anyway because in confusion we often give in as opposed to staying calm and collected. My mother once said that girls who say they are "only friends" with the guys they like are the ones that often end up pregnant. This is because they are in denial about their feelings and do not think properly and plan ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 kitkat, so u r saying that friendship wud eventually lead to love if both the guy and the girl are interested? god, this is too confusing.. sorry, but i think it is a popular belief that once a woman puts a guy in the "just friends" category there is no way he can come out of that dreaded zone. mixwell was right in a way about that. even i, for fear that she may think of me only as a friend, gave out the compliments, asked her number, and tried to hold hands... it didn't work out but still i am glad i made the effort. u said: I admit, its flattering to us that a guy might actually be interested in us for something other than ass. When you then go and make attraction-related comments, you break that ideal for us. i think this is why guys get confused. its wrong whether we make a move or not. i think the popular "Nice Guys finish last and Jerks get all the women" is centered on this belief. The "nice guy" not wanting to hurt the woman's feelings just keeps waiting for things to happen while the woman thinks that he is a wuss and goes to the jerk, sleeps with him, gets abused, and then remarks "oh, why can't i meet a nice guy?". i think this is just total double-standard. can u please, in ur own words, say what u think men r supposed to do? example, put urself in the situation that i wrote about. if u were that woman i talked about and i try hold ur hands what would u do? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 I am with KitKat on the comment Mixwell made. Gosh, you don't know women at all! If we like the guy we won't put him into the friend category. This girl wants you only as a friend obviously. That still doesn't mean you can't seduce her slowly but surely. But right now I think there would be no point in making any advances. If she said you're merely her friend and doesn't like you to touch her then she is not romantically into you. What's wrong with being just friends? If I fancied some guy and he only wanted to be friends with me, I'd be happy to hang out with him. We don't have to get everything we want in life. Does she ever talk about men? Perhaps she is a lesbian. In any case, Alpha would tell her: "If you don't want me to touch you then how am I going to f*** you? " :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 ha ha ha.. that was a funny quote recordproducer! well, yeah i am continuing with this woman as friends. but to be frank it's emotionally difficult for me at the moment cos i expected the relationship to go further than friendship. she calls me to her apartment, we see games, we have lucnhes together, she offers me car rides, and next week we r going to a movie. i really don't want to be a prick and toss aside her friendship just because she was not interested in me romantically. my only frustration was that i thought that she lead me on only to see me as a friend in the end. that's what i am angry about. but again may be i mistook her interest in the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 I think she is kinda messed up. One would likely believe that she only sees you as a good friend but her touchy stuff issue is a little off base. Even girl/guy friends give hugs and support . I think she does not relate in a sexual way at all because she is inexperienced or has had weird sexual encounters. And likes you to *look and don't touch.* I would ignore her and make DA* sure you never touch her again and dont give her second base ever. Like she says : Hey you are my friend " Thats right. So go find other girls to date. She is just a buddy even if she is playing head games with you. Dont go there. Link to post Share on other sites
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