Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 If you look through all this what would you do. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71782/ My ex sent me a text this morning saying i need your help M i ain't the person i used to be i wake up every morning and i want the old me back she said she ain't got over is death and she need to talk to someone (i told her to do this a while back) Has a long friend and Ive know her all my life should i go with her to the doctors and help her out i feel i should but then i think why after all the hurt she is putting me through. She says I'm the only person left i said what about your boyfriend she said you know me more i need you i want help. I said yes i would go with her on Friday as luckily i have a day off which ain't often but i keep thinking deep down why should i help her but then again she ain't really got anyone else apart from her boyfriend but i know she ain't well and she told me today for the first time she as a problem. Am i doing the right thing here i feel i am? Your advice is well appreciated i ain't listened in the past but i am doing now you lot are great i would be lost without this forum at the minute. Yes or no would be ok on this thread but a reason why would be good aswell. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 Doesn't she have family around to help her out? Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 The angel on my one shoulder says: Yes, of course help her out. Put your own feelings away for a while because this is not about you, it's about her. After all, you'd do the same for a friend, or maybe even someone you don't know if the need were great enough. So, by all means, accompany her in her hour of need, regardless of what happened in the past. The devil on my other shoulder says: You don't owe her anything. She was fully aware that you were to be out of her life after everything that happened. If you fall into the trap of helping her for this, you may regret it later because it's bound to dredge up some old feelings. Wish her well, call her a cab if you must, but don't give her reason to assume that she can rely on you whenever she feels like it. I sit back at a distance and consider both options. Both have valid reasons. Both make sense. But only one is less likely to lead to regrets. Go with her. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 No. I would not do it - but I am also a guy who has written a love letter for someone else (!) ..., so I know it is hard to resist the urge to help her out. You are only needed when it is convenient for her. Given her behavior in the past, it seems to be a highly unreasonable expectation that she would want to reciprocate, if something similar happens to / for you. Let her find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Argentina Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 I read your previous post. That is some pretty heavy stuff going on. Her behaviour is way out of order and by no means should you consider having a relationship with her again at this stage. I am a woman in my 30's and I have seen several friends go through the grieving process of losing a relative or friend. I am assumming the guy who died was pretty young and such a terrible thing cancer is. I suspect that she is probably harbouring a lot of guilt from the past relationship with the boyfriend that passed away. Grief can make people act extremely out of character. I have witnessed that with a friend of mine who lost her boyfriend in sudden tragic circumstances. She spent the next year sleeping around, getting pregnant etc. When someone dies, the reality of your own mortality really hits you. She may be reaching out to anyone and everything in an attempt to lessen her pain and get back in touch with reality. Sorry, I know that probably all sounds really heavy and while it does not excuse the fact that she has treated you badly, it may go some way in offering an explanation of why. Whether you decide to help her on this occasion depends on your own emotional state. First and foremost you must do what is right for you. If going to the doctors with her is going to mess around with your feelings too much then you should explain that to her. A true friend will understand that. You could always ring her after her appointment to see how it went. That way you are showing you still care, but not getting yourself too involved. If, on the other hand, you do go with her, make it very clear that you are going to support her as a friend only and she must not read anything more into it. She needs to sort herself out first before getting involved in any more relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 She needs to find someone else to use as an emotional tampon, unless you are happy being that for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 Doesn't she have family around to help her out? She as family but not that much she says im the only person who knows whats going on in her head i know i am thats whats telling me to help her i guess? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 No. I would not do it - but I am also a guy who has written a love letter for someone else (!) ..., so I know it is hard to resist the urge to help her out. You are only needed when it is convenient for her. Given her behavior in the past, it seems to be a highly unreasonable expectation that she would want to reciprocate, if something similar happens to / for you. Let her find someone else. I thought of this and something tells me your right but she says nobody else knows her like i do and knows whats going on she told me she as a problem and needs help. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 Jones, you need to listen to what people are telling you instead of making excuses. You're only hurting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 NO !! LB said it best .. You will be her emotional tampon .. and D' also makes a good point... BUT NO !! .. I wouldn't but if you are posting then you are conflicted to the point that you might but know that it is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 I read your previous post. That is some pretty heavy stuff going on. Her behaviour is way out of order and by no means should you consider having a relationship with her again at this stage. I am a woman in my 30's and I have seen several friends go through the grieving process of losing a relative or friend. I am assumming the guy who died was pretty young and such a terrible thing cancer is. I suspect that she is probably harbouring a lot of guilt from the past relationship with the boyfriend that passed away. Grief can make people act extremely out of character. I have witnessed that with a friend of mine who lost her boyfriend in sudden tragic circumstances. She spent the next year sleeping around, getting pregnant etc. When someone dies, the reality of your own mortality really hits you. She may be reaching out to anyone and everything in an attempt to lessen her pain and get back in touch with reality. Sorry, I know that probably all sounds really heavy and while it does not excuse the fact that she has treated you badly, it may go some way in offering an explanation of why. Whether you decide to help her on this occasion depends on your own emotional state. First and foremost you must do what is right for you. If going to the doctors with her is going to mess around with your feelings too much then you should explain that to her. A true friend will understand that. You could always ring her after her appointment to see how it went. That way you are showing you still care, but not getting yourself too involved. If, on the other hand, you do go with her, make it very clear that you are going to support her as a friend only and she must not read anything more into it. She needs to sort herself out first before getting involved in any more relationships. What you said then is spot on i know this aint her and she is totally out of character i can see that. She as hurt alot of people including me and plus her only other mate who she met throught me because who was my best mate was going out with her thats how there met kinda confusing! I dont want another relationship with her but i feel i should help her and get her back to herself but then again why should i i keep asking me. She says she blames herself for the death of her ex boyfriend and plus the fact she lives opposite is grave because she lives at the back of the cemetory really does suck. She is a really nice person deep down but this aint her and if anything daft happened with her current boyfriend she would have nobody left. I need to have my life aswell tho i want to cut her out i met with the girl i kinda had dates with tonight and when saw her for the frist time i thought why should i help her. This is a dodgy situation! Whether you decide to help her on this occasion depends on your own emotional state. First and foremost you must do what is right for you. If going to the doctors with her is going to mess around with your feelings too much then you should explain that to her. A true friend will understand that. You could always ring her after her appointment to see how it went. That way you are showing you still care, but not getting yourself too involved. If, on the other hand, you do go with her, make it very clear that you are going to support her as a friend only and she must not read anything more into it. She needs to sort herself out first before getting involved in any more relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 Jones, you need to listen to what people are telling you instead of making excuses. You're only hurting yourself. I guess your right,i thought of this as an idea i go to with her to the doctors on friday but after she as been in and got her appointsment sorted i tell her its over to her face and i have my life to live and you have your boyfriend so goodbye basically and good luck with getting urself back i guess! is that fair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 She needs to find someone else to use as an emotional tampon, unless you are happy being that for her. Nope,im 19 and have my life aswell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jones19 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 Also thanks for the advice everyone it does help Link to post Share on other sites
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