changes chances but I'm failing

[ktmrider]

I have not been on this site for close to three months. For some reason, I felt like I didn't need the support from this site anymore. I was wrong.

 

Well, this is my update:

 

My wife and I originally separated sometime in mid June. At the time it all started, I was going to quit my job so that I can move back into the same city she was living at the time. On the day that I was going to quit (I thought it was going to be a happy day), she told me not to quit because she wants a separation. This came as a shock to me. Although she gave me all the signs and even told me that she was having "issues" with me, I was not listening to her. For example, she quit her job and moved back to her parents house, and I didn't even think anything of it. I thought she just wanted to move back to be close to her parents. I thought that I would join her later when I find a job in that city. I was so clueless. ANyways, her "issues" with me was that I was not giving her enough love and affection. This is the only thing missing in our marriage that she as misisng from me. Everything else, we were compatible. We were great in every way but I just couldn't give her the affection and love she desparately needed. I totally agree with her. For some reason, either the way I was raised up or I'm just an assz, I can't seem to show love and affection to her. The problem is that I do love her very much. I would do anything for her. We have been toegther for over 12-13 years. She has been great to me but I don't know why I can't give her a simple thing as affection.

 

For some reason, after our wedding about 2 years ago was when she really couldn't take it. That is, she had a hard time suppressing it unlike before we got married. Well, when she told me that she wanted a separation i also found out that she was talking to a guy at work. All I can say is that I've asked her to stop talking to him and it seems that she hasn't ever since. Out first separation wasn't really a separation as I talked to her on the phone and see her more often than before. I would see her on weekends and sometimes I would stayed with her during the week. We talked and she give me a chance to show myself. Well, I was back to my old self within a month's time. I wasn't showing her enough affection. Well, about more than a week ago was when it came to a critical situation. From her tone and actions, I knew she was not happy with me. I saw the dissapointement in her face from tine to time.

 

I was hurt and angry because I was trying. But I was failing. I was angry at myself. I told her that I love very much and I don't want her to be unhappy because of me. I told her that she needs to find her happiness because I could see that she was unhappy. I told her that I don't want to be the reason of her being unhappy. She told me that she needed time to think about us. She needs to find out if she can live with me for the rest of her life with the way that I am. SHe is having a hard time because she knows that I love her and that she still loves me. She just has tohave love and affection from me that she is missing. She wants to find out if she can stay with me and not have the love and affection that she always needed to feel from me. (I felt really bad at that point).

We talked last night. It was very nice talking to her. I miss her so much.

I want to hug her and kiss her because I miss her. WHy can't I feel this way all the time? I do I need to be in this sitution to feel like this? I do love her. I f I love her, shoulnd't I feel like hugging her and kissing her all the time? Should I feel like calling her every chance I get since we live 2 hours away from eachother? What is wrong with me? She tells me that she knows I love her. She tells me that I'm a great guy. We act like best friends but I just don't show her the affection. She doesn't feel that she's being loved from me although she love me and wants to call me and hug me all the time. Why can't I feel the same?

She is right in everyway.

 

I feel pathetic right now because after our wedding, we continued to stay in my parents house. That was the wrong decision on my part. I should have gotten an apartment or a house. I dind't although we both could afford it. I just didn't think about it since I really dind't like the area what we lived in. I thought that since it was only temporary, we should just stayed at my parents until we (I) find my dream house. I just realized that, if you are in CA, there is no such thing as a dream house. It too expensive. She would tell me to look for an apartment or show me a house, and would aways object to it.

Over time she gave up and this is where we are.

 

We are not at our 2nd and may be final separation before divorce. I feel that I have to do something else I will lose this woman that I love forever. The thing that I have going for me is that she said she still loves me. That's why she thinking about it. If she doesn't love me anymore, she said that she would have served me the papers already.

 

This is where I need help.

She indicated that she may move out of her parents' house once they learn of our situation. They are old school catholics. They don't belive in divorce as a solution.

 

I want to get an apartment in the city that she is living in. For once, I want to be a man and do things that a man and husband should do along time ago after we got married. That is, I should have gotten us a place of our own instead of living in parents house. Doing this can help or backfire on me.

She might she this is a positive sign and move in with me or she this as "stocking". I really don't know if this is the right thing to do. I want to show her that I'm willing to do what ever it takes.

 

Keep in mind that I will be commuting about 2 hours each way if I do this. I plan on asking my company to allow me to work from home for a few days out of the week. This would help on the travel alot. I think I have a good chance of them allowing me to do this since I'm in the .com field. All I need is DSL to work.

 

Well? Please help me make the right decision....