Anxiety/Insecurity over relationship status

[kpa]

So I met this wonderful girl a month back.

 

I asked her out and we hit it off rather quickly.

 

We ended up in bed together, first time kissing -- didn't go all the way. Maybe thought she wanted to go further, maybe she didn't. I wanted to but I was worried about going too far.

 

The next morning she told me she wasn't really looking for a boyfriend.

 

We've only chatted briefly since this occured, I've not been able to get up with her and talk this out.

 

My problem is I have such anxiety over the situation. I feel as though I need to call her and resolve this RIGHT NOW.

 

I know what I should do is relax and let things work themselves out.

 

I think she likes me, things might've gone a little too fast.

 

At the same time, I'm worried that she might've wanted to go further and thought I wasn't aggressive/manly enough or wasn't attracted to her.

 

I HATE not knowing where we stand. I just want to know. I don't like being in this situtation, she has all the control now, I have none.

 

I feel as though I may have screwed things up. But I guess if this girl really likes me then we should still be ok.

 

I'm confused...

[kpa]

Anyone else feel this way ever?

 

I think I sabotage things this way.

 

I feel that if I do nothing she is slipping away...

 

Help...

[clynn]

Call her up and ask her out on a date.

[collegegirl83]

If you don't know her that well she might have told you that because she has other stuff in her lif going on right now and knows she can't commit. I think that if you really want to pursue her then call her and ask her on another date and if she agrees take things slow don't use the word "boyfriend" just let her show you what she wants from the relationship.

 

If you could look at the thread I just placed today with the title:Relationship or Friendship it would be great to have a male opinion whether this guy I met want just a friendship or a relationship with me!!!!

Thank you I hope my advice helps

[kpa]

So after my initial freakout about this girl we have gotten together a few times and things seem to be going very well!

 

We've not talked about our situation, I'm still assuming she doesn't want a boyfriend so I'm not pushing it.

 

Can I ask the women out there a question -- when you say you aren't looking for a boyfriend, what does that mean? In my head that just means you don't like me enough -- afterall, if you like someone enough, you want to be with them! Isn't it that simple?

 

What do I do? I want her to be my girlfriend, very badly.

 

The worst feeling in the world is liking someone and knowing they may not like you as much.

 

Anways--- we hung out thursday evening and had a GREAT time. Then I don't hear from her for the weekend. She didn't answer my calls or text messages. I rang her from my office phone and she answered. Hmmmmm...

 

I hate this...

[elijahBailey]

dude, at the rate yer goin' yer gonna be in her friends zone real soon.

 

You're only gonna hear this once.... Stop what you're doing right now and ignore her. Don't make yourself too available for her. Let her do the initiating. Let her come to you. And, start dating other people. Most guys don't realize that they need to change the trajectory when things don't work. good luck.

[kpa]

elijahBailey -- I know you're right... I need to make myself less available. It's jus t that I get so anxious about it. I feel if I do nothing then she is slipping away.

 

The thing is we've had such excellent times. Definitely times where there wasn't any doubt that I wasn't in the friend zone.

 

It's just she's like hot then cold. I'm betting she'll call me again very soon and want to get together again.

 

I guess I've got to follow your advice and let her come to me. It's just so hard for me to do.

[Walk]

Not neccessarily... If she just got out of a relationship, or is having a lot of family problems or something, she might really mean that logically she isn't in a secure position to get involved with a guy. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't really like the guy, or emotionally want to be with him, just that logically sometimes we aren't sure if being interest in someone is in our best interest mentally and emotionally.

 

If he goes too extreme with being ellusive, she may decide he's not interested in her, and let the logical side take over. Then the chance he had would be gone. Where as if he still expresses interest in being with her, then he may be able to overcome the logical part that is telling her she's not in the exact perfect spot in her life to have the additional uncertainties of a potential relationship.

 

It's a fine line. If he pressures her too hard she'll move away from him, if he acts too disinterested, she'll move away from him. Be available, but not desperate, is about the best I can say.

[kpa]

You are so right. I've sent her a few text messages lately with no response and I've called her. She called me thursday evening and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. We had a great time. We made out in front of her apartment for a good 20 minutes.

 

But since that night she didn't respond to any of my messages. I guess I'm going to sit back and let her make the next contact.

 

It's just this is so hard. I'm not good at this at all. I really like this girl. I think she likes me too.

 

[tgrace]

Can I ask the women out there a question -- when you say you aren't looking for a boyfriend, what does that mean? In my head that just means you don't like me enough -- afterall, if you like someone enough, you want to be with them! Isn't it that simple?

 

I can only speak for myself obviously but, if I made that statement to someone it would translate into "I'm still trying to overcome (survive) my last relationship so I'm not rushing into a new one." If it had to do with you personally, while I may have said that statement, I then wouldn't go back out with you. So, the fact that she kept up contact or went out with you again is a good sign that it's probably the first thing I stated. But, I agree with the others that you don't want to be pushy. Let her know you're around and available but let her come to you because she probably will. She's going to respect you more for not pushing her. Hope that helps.

[kpa]

Thanks everyone for responding and giving such good advice. It really helps.

 

It really is taking all my willpower to not call her. The problem is I'm just sitting around watching football -- I need to go do something so I'm busy.

 

Question -- when I talked to her briefly last night, she ended the conversation with, "Don't be a stranger." What the hell does she mean by that?

 

WTF? I wanted to ask her what the hell that means, she is the one who has been a stranger the last few days not me.

 

tgrace -- "Let her know you're around and available but let her come to you because she probably will. She's going to respect you more for not pushing her." -- that's brilliant, thanks.

 

My problem is I'm so insecure about this. When things are going good, no problem, the moment I have any doubts I start getting panicky.

[kpa]

well thanks everybody for listening and being there for me.

 

this just ended. over the phone. she was pretty harsh.

 

i cried.

 

i'll probably cry some more.

 

i had a feeling this was coming. i'm just glad it's over.

 

thank you my friends...

[clynn]

she was harsh with you?

 

That doesn't sound very nice.

 

Yuck.

 

I'm so sorry to hear.

[kpa]

yeah, she wasn't very nice about it.

 

it just doesn't make any sense though -- her actions don't quite seem to match up with her words. just a few days ago we were walking around holding hands like boyfriend and girlfriend. making out all the time. suddenly she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

i just don't understand, but it's over. i need to move on.

[Outcast]

And next time, don't do this:

She didn't answer my calls or text messages. I rang her from my office phone and she answered. Hmmmmm...

 

I hate this...

 

Excessive numbers of messages is a bad sign to anyone. If you can't stop yourself from doing this kind of thing, get some help because that is a guaranteed turnoff.

[kpa]

So this girl after essentially misleading me and then telling me she doesn't want a relationship with me. Then ending all contact with me. She said she wanted to be friends but at the time I told her I didn't want to be only friends with her.

 

I did send her one text message just trying to explain my feelings, probably not the best idea.

 

It's only been a week. I've been having the urge to ring her and ask if she'd like to meet for a cup of tea.

 

This is probably a bad idea, right? Afterall, she has made is rather clear she wants nothing to do with me. Why do I still want to have contact with her.

 

Shouldn't I just forget about her?

 

Someone talk some sense into me before I call her. Do you think it's a good idea to try to be friends with someone-- even if possible. I'm just not sure. Maybe I'm trying to grasp onto some way of her being in my life.

[clynn]

I think it is good to give it one full month of not contacting her at all.

 

Then, if you still feel the urge, asking her to meet for a cup of tea might be alright.

 

But, really, you still have feelings for her....meaning that you won't be able to turn these off very quickly, at all, if ever.

[downcydeguy]

Dude you sound sooo desperate right now! I'm sure she initially thought there was potential, which is why she had no problem making out with you. But then you went and pushed her away! Too d*mn pushy, too d*mn fast! Don't call her at all. Don't text her. Don't email her. NO CONTACT!!!

[inthesameboat]

Hey,

 

I know how you are feeling. I went through EXACTLY what you went through and I was just as erratic as you as well. I was kind of dating some guy, we got intimate early on and started doing the texting back and forth in between times we would see each other. He has a busy profession and we honestly did not bring up the topic of dating seriously at all. I was too afraid of doing it because I didn't want him to turn away. (Of course, I know better now, I know what I want and if a guy doesn't want me the same way, it's not gonna work out.) So the trouble was that on top of not discussing what either of us wanted in a relationship or if we wanted to start up a relationship, we would wait for a couple of months to go by before we would see each other because he was so busy working. Anyway I would start going crazy because I wouldn't hear from him for awhile (I mean we are talking a week or 2 would go by and no response) but when we would meet up, we would have a great time together. So I just started getting obsessed about texting. I can't explain it, I just would start getting really upset and desperate and start texting him like 4 times in a row if I didn't hear from him. I didn't give him a chance to respond. Then I started emailing and of course that was a freaky thing to do. I only realize now that you just have to learn how to chill out. When nothing is established, you can't do anything about it. There is no sense in worrying about something you cannot control. Anyway sure enough, I turned him off and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. But what confused me more than anything was that fact that in between the times I would anxiously be waiting to see him or waiting for a text, he would send me back one little text. Enough to make me keep on hanging on. What I didn't realize is that he knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he kept doing it. Anyway when I finally poured my soul out in an email after texting him a gazillion times and didn't hear back from him, I knew it was done. Looking back at it, I realize that I really wanted a relationship and it didn't matter with whom. I just know that someone who is going to make me chase after them like that is not worth my time unless I am ok with having a casual relationship. You know what I mean? I guess I'm trying to tell you that when you get into the next relationship or quasi-relationship, make sure you take a step back. When you feel the urge to contact the person, call a friend or write an email but don't send it. Hang in there, before you know it, you will meet someone new and it will be someone you won't have to chase after!

[kpa]

clynn -- i think you are right. i should give it a month. it's only been a week.

 

honestly i don't even know if it's her. i'm pretty much social a mess. when this "relationship" started i wanted it to work out so badly.

 

I've actually started back up therapy because of this incident. I thought I was doing better but this ordeal proved I'm not.

 

My therapist said my actions were really preventing me from getting to know her.

 

i guess i didn't know her. but i was so sure i wanted her to be my girlfriend. i think i just want a girlfriend soooo badly.

 

i guess i am desperate.

[knowwhatiwant]

Hey I did the same thing as you with some guy I was really into. I got text happy and when I didn't hear back from him, it only made me feel worse and gave me the urge to contact him even more. I hate text messaging! I think in some ways it is worse than emails! Anyway sounds like the girl did the same thing to do as the guy did to me. You would text many messages and then hear nothing and then hear something when she wanted to do something so of course you were thinking a bit positive that maybe she had had a change of heart. The next relationship you are in, try to refrain from doing too much of the one-sided contact. If the person is not responding as much as you like, try and occupy yourself with other things. If you feel the urge to talk to her, talk to a friend instead, or write some emails addressed to her but don't send to her. I know it's hard ESPECIALLY when you really are feeling lonely and want to have a relationship. That is great that you are going back to therapy and getting help for this. One thing that we all know is that you don't need to be chasing after someone who is not chasing you back and that things take time to develop. Why rush into something when you don't know what you are really getting? Take your time with the next girl and remember that things will fit into place when they are supposed to. Incidentally, try to not think that if someone tells you they don't want to have a relationship with you that it has to do with the fact that they aren't into you that much. You should try and think of it more along the lines that maybe that person just doesn't know what she wants. Keep yourself in a positive light! You will get through it, if I can, you can.

[country gal]

My guess is that this issue has absolutely nothing to do with and how you acted that first night. It sounds like its something with her - and it truly could be anything so dont kill yourself guessing. You just need to give her lots of space - you've already made it clear that you are into her. She has to take it from there.... and on that note, be prepared for anything, including let down.

 

I didnt read all the responses yet, but someone said to start seeing other people and thats probably a great idea for you. Forget about her unless she starts giving you somehting worth hanging onto which is currently not the case.

 

Good luck!

[elijahBailey]

My guess is that this issue has absolutely nothing to do with and how you acted that first night. It sounds like its something with her

 

You are so very wrong country gal. It's got everything to do with his actions. It may not have anything to do with the first night, but his subsequent actions made her run for the hills.

[country gal]

Elijah (always loved that name btw)

You're absolutely right. I apologize b/c I didnt read everything, I was responding to the initial message - saving time. My mistake.

 

kpa, I think its a good thing that you are in counseling - and strong decision that should be recognized. It sounds to me that you reallllllly overthink things and seem to have some obsessive tendencies. A hobby or 2 would be another good idea.

 

As far as this chick - absolutely no contact!! Pick up a hobby and move on. Who wants to be where they are not welcome? So why hang on - whats in it for you besides fear of (more) failure? Walk away, you'll be stronger for it. Then, make a decision to define yourself in a new more positive light - and start making decisions for yourself that reflect that.

[kpa]

elijahBailey -- I agree. I'm not sure if we would've ended up together had I acted differently or not. But I certainly didn't help acting the way I did.

 

My insecurities got the best of me.

 

I'm going to learn from this one. I had a realization of certain patterns I keep repeating in my attempts at relationships.

 

Hopefully with my therpists help I can sort this out.

 

I think I'm just going to try to forget about this girl for now.

 

country gal -- you are so right. why would i want the company of a girl who obviously doesn't want me around. I deleted her number from my cell and I was going to throw out the piece of paper I had it written on. I saw it one too many times though, now it's in my memory and I can't forget it. Wish I could've gotten rid of the temptation when I had the chance.

 

There is just no one else right now. No prospects. I need to meet some new people.

 

It's just really hard when I'm at home by myself over analyzing the situation.

 

My hobby is working out. It's been a great help. And damn I've been getting in shape.

 

Thanks for listening.