life is hard....

[lifeishard]

.... this is a pretty long post so i don't really expect that many to read it but.. but i hope some do...

 

i grew up without a mother, so i matured pretty quickly. without anyone to give me the love and affection that i needed, i became accustomed to living without. i moved around a lot as a child so was never able to really maintain any of my friendships. i came to realize my lonliness at a very young age and always wanted a girl i could just hold and love and be loved by. time went on and after being so heartlessly torn apart after my first attempt at finding a girl that i could be with, i developed a really low self image. supposedly i was an object of desire in middle school and up till i started growing my hair out in sophmore year of high school, but i was never asked out by anyone but this one girl that i only regaurded as a friend.

 

i made a few friends and became somewhat happy. i remember the first day of highschool. i saw that my crush from the last year of middle school was in a few of my classes and decided that this is the year that i would try talking to a girl that i thought was unreachable(like the one before in elementary school) after the first week or so we were talking together. and then on september 17, after only 2 weeks, she asked me out... i was... in shock... i didn't even know if it was true... if she actually spoke those words that i thought i heard.... turns out i wasn't dreaming, and the goddess that she was, went on a date with me.

 

god she was such a beautiful person. even below her half irish half chinese skin. she was everything i could have hoped for. it seemed like she fit almost flawlessly into my vision of perfection. she completely filled the hole i had in my life ever since i was a kid. after a year. it seemed like she had less interest in me. we were still happy together but.. the vibe i got was that she didn't love me like i loved her. i let the feeling pass.. figured it was all in my mind and that if she really wasn't content with our relationship she would be the one to break it off... there were times that i didn't particularly like her but, up untill the end, and then some, i loved her. toward the end of our 3 year relationship, all that she seemed to have for me was anger, frustration, and well... it seemed like all i did was annoy her. i tried to talk to her about it, but shed just dismiss whatever i was saying, or put me down about always being the girl of the relationship and that we didn't need to talk about anything.

 

over the years i came to realize that shed be the type of person that would do anything just to be nice... and to avoid feeling guilty.. i thought that our relationship turned into just another chore that she had to put up with... i quit school on january of 2004. my father, after many failed buisness ventures in orange county decided to start up his law practice again up in LA. We lived in orange county for only my middle school and high school. previously lived in LA. after about 5 months or so of commuting to work he decided that we should move back to LA. i thought that this would be the last straw on our relationship. one day i asked her if she wanted to break up. she simply said that it was up to me.. i told her that we should talk about it together and that if she still wants to be together then i think its worth not breaking up.(i realize now that i should have told her that i loved her and that i wanted to stay together but feared that her feelings for me have diminished) she completely dismissed what i said and said the decision rested solely on me. although i still loved her, i thought that it would be best for her for us to break up. after a half hearted i think we should break up, my mother who had been wanting to see me grew more and more anxious about my plans to see her.

 

we broke up. i moved, then before even settling down in the new place, i left for korea. in korea i hardened my resolve. i broke down and called ehr a few times, but she always seemed pissed off when i called her so i decided that i wudn't anymore. i talked to my friends about picking me up at the airport when i got back. my x was now a part of my group of friends i made. the 7 of us were very close. she came with my friends to pick me up at the airport. in korea, i felt that i could just be a good friend to her and that, although i still loved her, this was best. i saw her. all the feelings came rushing back... i longed to hold her hand to run over there and hug her and kiss her, but i managed to calmly walk up to them. i was greeted warmly yet awkwardly. my friends were never good at emotional things... we just kinda waved at each other... heh.....

 

the days went by. i cudn't stop thinking about her. i couldn't stop dreaming about her. every waking second was like watching a movie of all the past times. all of the things weve ever done... what made thigns worse was that she really wanted to still be friends.. wed visit each other. in groups and alone. i couldn't stand just watching her. what made things worse was that... she blamed me for being depressed and although she wanted to be my friend, she ignored me when i went to see her when we were in a group. i took her out one night. about 12 at night. we went out to the beach. i told her that i still loved her, she told me that she still had feelings for me. she confessed all those things that she should have told me while we were going out. she used to talk about us being together and getting married, and so would i. she would say how much fun itd be once we lived together just walk around naked : P. <sigh> but contrary to all those things she said that, she stopped showing me that she loved me in an attempt to shield herself from any heartache because she got scared after the first year. she said that she never wanted to feel heartache like that again (she was in a relationship before.... not a very good one... she really liked the guy, but the guy was an ass and they were young. he wanted to kiss her and broke up with her because she said tehy were too young.) she said that toward the end i started to act colder. i told her that since she never seemed to like me giving her attention i thought that that was what she wanted. esp since i thought that she didn't like me at the end. why would she want a chore that's unsightly clingy (which i actually am.....) she told me that she cried after i broke up with her and left. this was a big thing... she never cries... ever..... i said taht i was sorry and i was stupid and that if she could forgive me i would love it if we were to get back together. she said that it wouldn't work. i asked her why. she responded with " i've been thru it before, it never works out the second time"..... i was in shock.... that she could compare me to her ex.. that piece of scum was actually being compared to me... i didn't say anything. she laid her head down in my lap as we were listening to the waves from inside my car. it was a beautiful night. i put my hand on her arm. she asked me if i could do that thing she likes. so i gently slid my fingers over her smooth skin. around her neck around her shoulder and arms and the top of her chest. i drove her home, and went to a friends house to spend the night.

 

i went home, and called her not too long after that, desperately asking her to change her mind about her decision. i asked her over and over. i thought that there should be no reason to end our relationship on such a small thing, and that its not like anything should have changed. i thought that finally now that our problems of not communicating were solved, we could start over again. i visited her several times. each time becomming more and more depressed, which pushed her farther and farther away. finally it came to the point where having her ignore me while amongst the friends we once shared, was too much. i could take just standing by and watching her. i said that if were not going out anymore i don't think i could see her or talk to her anymore.. it was just too painfull. i asked her one last time, if she would reconsider her decision, but she gave me the same answer.. i said how could she compare me to her ex.... how could she compare me to something that happened so long ago. our relationship was totally different. she didn't waiver. so i left....

 

i tried the whole no contact thing but..... i couldn't help it... i gave in and called her... i told her that it was selfish of me to do whatever i wanted, and said that we could still talk.... (i still don't know if this was a good decision or a bad one) we talked. i visted her on her birthday and gave her the presents that i already thought to buy her before we broke up. she greeted me with a hug(she never felt comfortable or even liked hugs, she said, untill i came along.) i stayed for a while and left. she gave me another big hug and told me to call her when i got. i called her and told her good night. from then on, shed call me every other day or so..... it was nice. i thought that we might be able to get over her past relationships... untill one day... she stopped calling... for 4 days i waited by the phone without a call... wondering what she could be doing... halloween came along and my friend imed me .... my only friend that i had left... he said taht he saw my x and another friend i had from the old group (whome i had come to hate) holding hands and acting all flirty and crap......... as you could imagine, i was struck by so many different emotions, anger, depression, jealousy, RAGE.......

 

i thought, "how could she do this to me" she knows i hate him and yet she goes out with him and doesn't bother to even tell me herself.. after everything weve been through ... 3 years.. we were getting along so well tooo... did she think that i wudn't find out??? i was so angry... i called her and asked her if it was true, she said it so coldly, lik eit was none of my buisness.... i told her to not talk to me anymore. she sounded like she was about to cry. i then hung up on her.... i was in such a state of dissarray..... completely emotionally unstable... the next day i ended up calling her back and apologizing for acting like a douche and that if she was happy with him then thats all that matters... i asked if she still wanted to be my friend, she said that she did. the next day i couldn't stop thinking about it... all the intimate things that we shared ... those memories that i treasured so highly, were now so easily being shared with that piece of ****..... my fist is still a little swollen from having to repetedly punch the wall to calm myself down... i couldn't sleep at night... i still find myself taking some tylenol pm to get my mind to slow down. i told her how i felt about all of it and she took it all in... i was greatful that she let me tell her how i felt. she had to go to sleep because it was pretty late but said that shed give me a call the next day.

 

she called me and asked me if i had anything else to say about the situation. .i asked her why him.. she said that she felt lonely and that she needed someone, and he was there. my voice got louder. i wasn't screaming... mmm it was lik ein the movies heh "you had me! i loved you. if you were so lonely we could have still been together." she cried again... i felt bad.. so i stopped. she said that she missed having me around... with this she then this once again gave me a feeling like she still cared for me... i had to squash my own self dillusions. i said that even tho all this has happened for some reason... i still loved her.. i couldn't stop thinking about all the good times.... i always thought, deep down, that wed get back together. i asked her if shed leave him for me. i knew she wudn't. she said she couldn't do that to him. which was the right decision.. i was of course heartbroken..... she became angry.. she told me that i had no right to ask her that (which is true... i mean she is going out with im afterall) i said that although it was wrong i had to ask anyway.. if there was even the tineiest chance that i could be with you... i had to take it... no matter wha the cost... even if its my pride or sense of honor... i told her that this wasn't only affecting me but the others as well. the other people in the group have become distant toward her.. and feelt uncomfortable around them. which was true.. i talked to them about it. she then said so they actually were avoiding me. she came to the conclusion that she ****ed everything up and she asked me if i wanted her to stop seeing him. after much thinking... i asked her if he makes her happy, she said yes, so i said that she should do what makes her happy. we talked some more about other things... it again came to her saying that she screwed everything up, with her friends, by going out with ... him.... and asked me if she should stop seeing him. i said that the only thing there is on this earth is ourselves and our happiness. protecting our happiness whether it be your significant other, or your friends, or just your own sense of honor and pride, comes on top of everything else. you should straighten out your own priorities and follow through accordingly. if he comes out on top of everything else, then make it so. **** those who are against it and continue on anyway, as long as you're still happy. again we talked about some other stuff and i asked her if we were ever going to talk again. she asked me if i wanted to. i told her that it was up to her. after a minute or two of that, she got angry and said that this was the thing that she hated most about talking to me. how i would never answer these types of questions. i said that shes not any better. she tol dme to just answer the question ... but the truth was that. if she didn't wanna talk to me, i wudn't wanna force her to by saying that i did. and if she did, i didn't want to completely reject her... it would be cold.... i asked her if she hated me for bringing up all these feelings. she said that she could never really hate me no matter how hard she tried, but, she didn't like the way ive been acting ever since the breakup. being all depressed and junk. i then asked her why she even called me then if she really disliked it that much.. she said that she was always worried about me... to the point where shed get angry.. she always saw so much potential in me...shed say how smart i am and that i could do anything if i wanted to... she always thought it was a waste, not trying in school and being ok with a's on my tests but f's in hw which resulted in c's in the class..she was concered that throughought the 3 years ive known her i completely lost my drive or motivation to do anything... she was worried about me because shes pretty conservative when it comes to drugs and stuff... i used to drink and do weed for a year... 6th grade.... after my first heartbreak..(its funny now that i look back at it since i was so little haha).. and she didn't want me to ever get back into them.... oh ya.... not to mention that i started cutting up my left arm when i was doing that whole no contact thing with her before her b day.... i then went on my whole "why do you worry about me so much" thing...(i always hated it when people worried about me). i said even if i were to die (by suicide or od or whatever) which i prolly wont.... it wudn't matter. it wudn't change any lives. and even if it did.. what do those lives matter. and really what does anything matter... the universe in its entirety doesn't mean a signle god damn thing. she said "i don't think im going to call you anymore" as she was about to cry. i felt bad but before i could say anything she let out a half wimpered bye and hung up. i called her 2 days later.. i told her that i didn't want to throw these 3 years down the toilet and said that if she ever needed my help or if it was something only i could do, she should give me a call.. i told her that she didnt have to worry about me bringing up the past, since it was already all over. she sounded happy.

 

 

of course the events here aren't displayed in their enteirety but this is the jist of how things went.

 

i don't expect her to call me actually... although i do feel like i made the right decision ....... i know i screwed up a lot too... and that if i was just there for her this whole thing wudn' thave happened... but im human too... heh sooo many mistakes... o well.... it snot like i can go back in time... if only life were that convenient

 

she was always an unemotional girl. she never shared any of her feelings about anything. the truth is... this is a first for a lot of things. she never expressed these feeligns to me before. i was surprised especially when she got angry at me for me not answering her question. she was never extremely affectionate either, but that night at the beach and those long warm hugs.... getting so sad is soemthing that ive rarely seen out of her also.

 

i don't expect her to call me actually... .... i think thats the right decision.... i know i screwed up a lot too... and that if i was just there for her this whole thing wudn' thave happened... but im human too... heh sooo many mistakes... o well.... it snot like i can go back in time... if only life were that convenient

 

it has only been a week since all of this ended... i went out once... with some old elementary school buddies that i used to know here, tried to get faded but they had the worst weed ever... too bad over the years my tolerance went up... i don't think ill be hanging out with them much... now im here... working for my dad, filing his paperwork, waiting untill i go back to school and start my transfer process to ucsd. i dunno when that is gonna be though since im going to be busy with running some snack shop that hes setting up and also overseeing the construction of our new house and 2 others that were gonna try and sell....

 

so here i am... alone... reading stories of heartbreak... writing my own. i think im starting to feel a little bit better now... i feel that i finally have some closure...

 

i think i'll find it hard to find someone as compatible as she was. i mean... al the little things like... the way she looks so innocent but how she loves metal . and although she loved metal, she also liked punk and emo and other stuff like the postal service... and i even got her into the j-rock scene well.. only the good stuff anyway.. hehe . i mean... her taste in everything was so open just like mine. although she never caught on the the jazz or swing or oldies or techno or blues... i guess we had enough in common in other areas of music mainly rock hehe. i also liked how shes kind of a prude but kinda kinky in bed... we had the same taste in everything from clothes, to movies. same strange sense of humor, and .... the same hate regaurding human nature and all that. i grew my hiar out from being around 2 inches long and spiked to being 6 inches long and spiked (not straight up..) (i still had bangs) and now ... like... in a pony tail heh.... i really actually don't like it that much by itself... i just liked it that no one else liked it haha..... i know it seems kind of odd but... i kinda liked how everyone hates my long hair..... even tho it caused all the girls to loose interest in my looks... i had the only girl that meant anything and everything to me, and she liked every style that i had.... bah... maybe ill have to cut my hair now..... mmmmm

 

i find it another problem that... over the years.. i guess ever since i was 12 ive gradually started hating people... im now at the point where i have lost all hope in that ill be able to make friends, because im so picky about the little things.... i only really get along with 1 now out of the 6 friends i had. bah! even tho i hate people... i'm still spending energy typing my tale of heartbreak to the masses.... i don't exactly know why .... maybe its for pity or something.... i guess that could be a possiblity. esp since im so lonely right now........ what a paradox eh.

 

i also feel that ever since my x ... my standards have been raised to at least match her.... so ... the bar is pretty damn high now and i don't feel like ill ever be able to find a girl that im happy with like i was happy with her....... i loved her so damn much.......... i know ill prolly find one eventually but... how long.... im sick of being alone.....

 

i doubt that most of the people who clicked on the thread will read all the way down to this point, but if you did, i apologize : P, but would greatly appreciate some comments

[AtarisKid]

What your describing sounds alot like what im going through now, i broke up wtih my girl because she said that she was confused and didnt know who she was or what she wanted in life, a week later i tried to get her back and she wouldnt take me because she needed time to herself, i wondered how a girl could do that after everything we went through and everything that we said to each other, it felt like our relationship meant nothing to her, but thats the way life goes man, people change and everything happens for a reason, i strong believe that, things will get better for you, i think the man upstairs has a different plan for you, maybe you werent meant to be together no matter how much you love her, she doesnt have to love you back, what i would do is just go about your business and let her call you, if she wants you back bad enough she will try, thats the way love works, if someonen was truly and deeply in love with you, she would do everything in her power to keep you in your life, so just look on the bright side of thing and start doing stuff to keep you happy, like a hobbie or something

i hope this helps man....good luck to ya!

[lifeishard]

wow i cant believe you actually read it... thanks for the encouragement and the nice words but... after my many years of observation ive become a very... pessimistic person... the worst part is that i only categorize it as pessimism because thats what everyone else calls it... i really actually think of it more as ... being realistic.... my grandparents were really religious... my dad is a pastors child... i never caught on tho... maybe its because of my dad but.... i just cant accept the idea of god so easily... im sure it would make things a lot easier but... ive always seen this world from a purely materialistic pov... i used to believe in some sort of afterlife but not anymore... although i dont' know exactly what to say about past life regression... maybe i should go get it done some day...hmmm... i'm not trying to knock your religion or anything.. i guess im just trying to say that.... faith doesn't come very easily to me.

[lifeishard]

i wondered how a girl could do that after everything we went through and everything that we said to each other, it felt like our relationship meant nothing to her

 

wow ... im not sure if i used a line like that but... thats exactly how i felt....

[lifeishard]

losing the love of your life... the girl you thought that you could spend every single day with for the rest of your life is... difficult.....

[lifeishard]

actually... i realize now that.... im not really angry or frustrated about what she did.... its just that .... what really makes me angry is that... i know that, that guy wont be able to apreciate her for everything that she is. he just lacks the mental capacity to understand the beauty of her agnostic deepness, her freedom from the trends and manipulation of society, the innocent shell that covers her rawness and angst...... i feel that hes just playing her... using her as his tool to discover that which we know as women... taking advantage of her interest in him and her lonliness to suit his own needs and wants. even if this really is the case, she has such a low self esteem and such kindness in her heart that even if he shows the slightest sign of interest, since they were friends once, she wouldn't be the one to initiate a breakup. i feel that its unfair that she isn't with one that truely loves her for ever single thing that she is. i think that if i felt that he was worthy of her boundless beauty, and could appreciate every single strand of hair on her head, i would feel better, but that is not the case. <sigh> i also realize how much i took her being with me for granted... if i had her still i would hold her every second of the day.(although shed feel smothered.... and not want to be with me anymore heheh..... funny how that works out huh hahahaha.....)

[BrokenHeart2005]

Man... i dont know by what fate i arived at this site... i just started to remember my past

 

and yea, i said this once too "i wondered how a girl could do that after everything we went through and everything that we said to each other, it felt like our relationship meant nothing to her"

 

I feel for ya man