confusedinpa Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Hi. I'm in need of some advice. I'm with an awesome guy who I love more than anything. We've been together for 9 years and for the last year, we've been living together. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we get along wonderfully. In my last relationship, I was cheated on so because of that, I've become terribly insecure. I'm trying to work on it but I am so afraid that he's going to cheat or worse find someone better and leave me. I literally get sick to my stomach when we're out if another woman flirts with him and this happens a lot. He's a very attractive and friendly man. I don't want to lose him. Help!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Remember this man isn't your ex. Unless he's giving you reasons to feel insecure, you really need to realize that he isn't going to cheat on you. Maybe consider some one on one therapy to deal with your own insecurities and issues. Men flirt. It's a daily thing, both men and women do - But it really doesn't mean they'll actually GO and act upon it! Don't you ever see a cute guy, look at him and think wow, he's hot! Or been at a bar when a man looks at you and it just feels nice to be looked at? Energy boost! You won't lose your boyfriend, unless you start letting the jealously get out of control and you accuse him of things he isn't doing. Is there someone in particular, or is it just when he's out and about? Remember too, he sleeps with you, comes home to you...Have faith in him and the fact you've been together for so long! 9 years is alot of trust and love built up...Why now is it such an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinpa Posted November 15, 2005 Author Share Posted November 15, 2005 You're right!! Thanks for the quick reply. He tells me all the time that he only wants to be with me and loves me, etc. but then I start to wonder if he loves me as much as he says, why hasn't he proposed? Then I start thinking that he's still out there LOOKING and get myself all worked up. I guess I just need to have faith and learn to be more confident. I did try out a therapist but it didn't seem to help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Then maybe you didn't have the right therapist. Keep looking! When you find the right person to talk to, it can change your life for the better. Remember too, to stay in the now. What happens next year or two years from now doesn't matter! What matters is what is going on "now." Be happy with who you are, what you have in your life. The man you love is there, infront of you...When you have those insecure moments, write out a list and be positive about it! Write out all the good things you share together, how good life is etc...Then read it when you are feeling abit down and wondering the "what if's"... Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinpa Posted November 15, 2005 Author Share Posted November 15, 2005 Thank you so much. You have made me feel so much better. I do tend to look ahead to the future and lose focus on the now. I am going to take your advice and concentrate on right now!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 You're welcome! Glad to help. I know from my past relationships, I had some insecurities. Learning how to deal with them and make them stay in the past really is the only choice. It's hard but really, it serves no purpose in your present life and the man you're with now. Take care, and keep posting if you need to! Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Hi, I just read your post and had to write. I fully understand your situation and your feelings, I am exactly the same, and also don't know what to do to get past this problem before it ruins another relationship! I was also cheated on in the past and the jealousy I experience has always affected my relationships. Like whichwayisup says (good advice by the way, I'm going to try and take it myself!), if you let the jealousy get out of control and imply they are cheating, THIS is what will ruin the relationship, not them flirting or cheating. A big problem for me is that I was so suspicious and insecure (because of what had happened in the past), my boyfriends always ended up hiding the most innocent things (eg drinks with female friends) because they wanted to avoid my irrational reaction. This can make you more insecure because you think you've been proved right again, and it's a vicious circle. I have just started counselling myself for this, as I now have a great guy who, like yours, always says he loves me and only wants to be with me, and I don't want to throw this away. I'm not sure how far I'm getting with it as it's obviously very complicated - and I hope I have found the right therapist... like whichwayisup says, that can make the difference I'm sure. I had to write because so much of what you wrote rang true - especially the bit about feeling sick to the stomach if another woman flirts with him! I feel sick even just HEARING about other women, whether I see it or not. And that's such an awful feeling, so I understand... It sounds like you have a lot to lose if you don't try and get this under control. I'm not sure you can ever get rid of these feelings for good, but at least we can try to keep them under control and try counselling again or find a way to deal with it when it arises (eg the suggestion of writing out a list of positive things is a good one). Anyway, best of luck with this - I know how hard it can be! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 ZGT1503, good to hear that you're learning how to control the jealously too. It really is controllable, just like everything else. A learned behaviour due to experiences in life. I have an anxiety disorder and finding the right person to help me cope with my own issues and learn how to fight it has helped so much! It's all positive thinking and learning how to change and control thoughts. The mind is a powerful thing and it's so easy to let negative thoughts take over...So, by doing daily exercises, positive notes, being more openminded will only better the situation at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Thanks whichwayisup, you are totally right that these problems are all learned behaviours due to past experiences. Given that they are 'learned', there is always a possibility for them to be 'unlearned'... but that way round is much harder! Positive thinking has a lot to do with it, that's why I fully support your suggestions of writing lists, thinking of ways to overcome these strong feelings, and not let the negativity set in. I'm hoping that counselling will help, although it's a slow process! Best of luck to you too with your anxiety issues. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and are not willing to give in easily to these problems - we should all follow this example! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Thanks Z! It hasn't been easy, but therapy has finally paid off. Trust me, I've had my down and out days! I've been lucky and have had some wonderful friends/family and ofcourse a husband who has stuck with me throughout it...Joining some online health sites helped too - Gained more information and also, talking to others who had been through the same thing as me made it so much easier. As much as everybody supported me, my family etc., it was hard because none of them really "understood" what anxiety and panic attacks does to the mind and what it did to me. All in all said, I figure it happened because I was meant to learn something about me, get stronger and help out more along the way... Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Yes it's so true that other people, friends and family and so on, try to be supportive and help you through things, but it's only really people who have gone through a similar experience who can truly "understand" what it means and what it feels like. I'm just hoping that with the support of a counsellor and informing myself about jealousy then I will be able to control it, even if it never fully disappears. Before last month I just stuck my head in the sand and resigned myself to it being part of my life and relationships but now I have finally realised it won't go away without a bit of effort on my part! Thanks for your words of support - it's good to know others can get cope with their issues in a positive way, and that should give us all hope... Link to post Share on other sites
suzy Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Hi, Here you have true empathy! I was cheated on a long time ago now (5 years ago) and since then I have suffered from terrible jealousy and insecurity within the two relationships I have formed since. I get totally sick of myself sometimes! this is a very under-estimated problem. At its worst you can go on to repeatedly screw up relationships one after the other. However, there is hope. The sick feelings in the pit of your stomach suggest to me that like myself, you react with a complete "fight or flight" response to a threatening situation. Treat this as an anxiety disorder and you may find life easier. From my own experience, it took me to go on to taking "PROZAC" in combination with therapy to see a way out. Prozac can help with both anxiety and obsessional/ reoccuring/ intrusive thoughts. However, I appreciate this is big decision and not right for everyone, though I would like to say that it helped me enormously. Therapy is important too though, and finding the right therapist is essential. I am still battling like a trooper with this problem and I know how hard it can be , but please know that you are not alone and other peole around the world are feeling just like you do right now. The best of luck, stay on line, maybe we can help each other out with this one! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinpa Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 You are right. I do get the fight or flight feeling, I don't know how to stop it. I know that I shouldn't feel that way but what can I do when it happens. I also get that feeling when we are watching something on tv with a beautiful woman and literally feel like crying because I'm afraid that he's comparing me to them or wishes that he could be with them. I know this is not normal. I must have zero self confidence in myself. I wish I knew how to get it back!! The thing is I see how other women can be. They openly flirt with him right in front of me and give me dirty looks. I can't even imagine how they would act if I wasn't there!! When we were out once an old friend of his was showing him her tan lines on her chest and practially took her shirt off. I'm like WTF. I wasn't bothered so much by that because I didn't think she was very attractive to begin with but if she was, it would've really upset me. I was able to laugh that one off. I wish I could feel that way all the time and not be so bothered. Waitresses and bartenders flirt with him, people in stores and they don't even acknowledge me, it's like I'm invisible to them. I just hold my feelings inside and end up feeling miserable. I guess I'm going to have to start looking for a good therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Hi, me again, not with any advice I'm afraid because I'm still looking for the answers! What made me respond to this is when you wrote that you weren't that bothered about a girl flirting with your guy because she was not that attractive. I am exactly the same way, and I don't know why. I am jealous of women on TV, in the street, people we go out with and so on. But if they are unattractive (in my eyes) then I have much less of a problem. (I still don't like it though!!) I wonder if these people, like waitresses and so on, are really ignoring you, or whether you just perceive it as that because you are expecting them to flirt with him and ignore you? It is so hard to give advice on this. If you can find a counsellor it might be an idea. I have just started doing this, and it's very helpful in terms of understanding why you behave like this. I am just waiting for the part to come where I can make the emotional connection and start to understand how to DEAL with the jealousy and STOP it from happening. It really is a problem that won't go away, because you will always have to go out and there will always be girls around, or on TV, or films (I even avoid going to see certain films if there are attractive women in them, ridiculous!) Anyway, good luck and let us know how you get on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinpa Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 If anyone has felt this way and found a way to get over it, can you please let me know how you did it. I really feel like I'm going to lose him over this. I overheard him talking to someone about me and he mentioned my jealousy issues that I have and how it's bothering him. When I see other women flirting with him, he's usually the one making eye contact and smiling at them to begin with so they probably think either he's really friendly or interested. Since I've been feeling down, I noticed that I haven't even been smiling lately so I'm going to start smiling and saying hello to every man I see. Maybe then, they'll start flirting with me - in front of him! Link to post Share on other sites
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