sunshinegrey Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 So we started going out July 4, 2004. It was great, we both thought it was going to be a summer fling, we had sex in August (both our first time), and ended up falling for each other. This summer (a year later) his mom took in some cousins (3 of them) that he's met once, he didn't want them in their home, but has to put up with it. I moved about 50 miles away to college, and we were good, but for some reason it began to get strained (I am guessing the kids as much as anything) so we started talking about taking a break. Whenever I wanted one in the past he talked me out of it, and I was grateful, but now... he broke up with me -- over the phone! I was coming home today, so I don't understand why he couldn't do this in person. He said he wanted more time with he friends, which makes no sense because I am at college. I am so hurt, I lashed out and said I hated him for doing this, for not giving me the respect to do it in person, and I am so confused. He always said I was his best friend and that he still wants to be friends... but he wants more time with his friends?? What the heck!! So.. anyway, it's almost the holidays, I can't believe this... I want him back, but at the same time I can't believe he would hurt me so bad and care so little. He says he still loves me and needs to figure out what he wants in life. I called my mom and she said he hasn't seemed as happy as he used to be the past few months, but who knows. Anyway... I don't know what I think or feel yet, but... anyway... I have a rebound date tonight lol... I wish it was Ryan though. Do you think that's the real reason, if he always hangs out with his friends? I think he tried to displace his feelings on me saying that I wasn't happy, and he wanted me to be able to go on dates and stuff... is that probably the other way around? Could he have been cheating on me? Could it be because of those kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Jellostick Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 My ex broke up w/ me a little over a month ago and said the same stuff. Pretty much she used me as an excuse, telling me I didn't seem happy or fun anymore and just down a lot. I realize now it was her insecurities that caused her to break up w/ me. Hey, I'll admit I was stressed out the last month of the relationship but is a breakup only someone else's fault? In my case I'd like to think that no, it's was a mixture of both but mostly her being scared and confused. She also took to the not caring mood which is very hurtful but I'm actually over it. The last time she contacted me was through an email where she told me not to contact her 'cause she "wants her life to go back to the way it was", like I prevented her from conducting her life the way she wanted it while she was w/ me. I unfortunately still think of that comment and wonder why she said that, why she'd want to hurt me but then I realize it's not worth it. And she also broke up w/ me over the phone. Actually, most of her decisions concerning me were either over the phone or through email. Do I think she's a coward? Yes, I do but hey, what can I do about it? She has plenty of issues she can't come to grips w/ and looks down on everyone else or puts the blame on others so she's a coward in that respect too. Why do people like your ex and my ex do what they do? Only they know and it's not our job to figure them out, just ourselves. I believe that I'm worth it to anyone who would want to date me and I'd like to think that one day she'll think about me and figure out that she made a mistake but I can't dwell on that and neither should you. Go out on your date but don't mention him at all to the new guy. Try to enjoy yourself and definitely try not to compare him to your ex 'cause then you'll end up having a bad time. You never know, things might happen w/ you two and then it will be your ex cursing himself out at what he's missing out on. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegrey Posted November 22, 2005 Author Share Posted November 22, 2005 Thanks... that actually made a lot of sense. I deserve someone who will give me the respect to be outright with how they feel, and I deserve someone strong enough to carry through with that. Over a phone... that's probably what hurts the most. We had been arguing, and the day before (in person) I said, "If you want a break, please tell me now, not when I get back to college." I see how much he cared... Link to post Share on other sites
Jellostick Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 I wasn't really bothered by her breaking up w/ me over the phone 'cause I was expecting it and I wanted to know. I have a problem w/ being the only one that was blamed for the breakup 'cause I know it wasn't all me. At least have the courage in yourself to admit you have issues instead of putting the blame on something else so you're not focusing on you. Actually, I believed her when she said all those things about me and I believe I was the only one to blame for the breakup and so I started going to therapy. I've come to realize things and I know it wasn't just me. But hey, I built up enough courage to go and fix the issues that I know I had while dating her and before dating her and I'll admire her if she ever did it but she won't. I feel sorry for people like that 'cause if they're not honest w/ themself, how can they be honest w/ anyone else whether it's a significant other or a friend? Yes, you deserve someone better and so do I. Sure it hurts, I was hurting but her breaking up w/ me was one of the best things to have happened to me 'cause I seeked help from it and I'm feeling so much more better about myself that I know that at some point I'll be in a relationship again and will make someone very happy. The time will come when you and I will say, "Pfft, it's their loss" and whomever we're w/ next will be their gain. It's upsetting now but you have to believe that you won't be alone forever. Hey, you have a date tonight, don't you? Well, you're closer than I am so have fun and enjoy a night w/ someone who will hopefully treat you w/ the respect you deserve. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegrey Posted November 22, 2005 Author Share Posted November 22, 2005 Okay... so get this... This afternoon I came back into town for Thanksgiving, but my ex is helping take care of my dog (long story), so we were going to meet up and go to the Vet together. I missed his call, and returned it, and he was on his way with a guy friend, so I asked if I could meet at his house and we could go just the two of us... he hesitated, but then agreed. We're driving, and I told him I just wanted the truth, to know what was going on and he just said, "I need time." I asked him how I didn't give that to him, seeing as I live 50 miles away 5 days out of the week -- turns out he wants weekends for his boys too... not that he didn't have them, just that he wanted the whole weekend (as in, "I don't wanna watch a movei with you.") But we're talking, and he keeps saying how he loves me, so I asked him since he labelled this a "break" was it permanent, or when was I going to know something... he didn't answer. i asked if I could have an answer and he said he didn't know, that he enjoyed the memories we had together and didn't regret any of the good times. I pulled out a picture of us last Christmas, all happy, and said, "Ryan, I miss this... this is what I want again, for us to be happy." His eyes kind of glazed over, as in he didn't want to tear up, so I asked if we could make it work and he said we had already tried enough. I told him I would give him weekends, and that I just wanted to be able to call him when it was all said and done and tell him how much I loved him, and obviously something clicked cause he asked to think about it, so I said "Okay... when are you going to give me an answer?" he asked if he could have until Friday, so we are meeting at the park at two... I asked if we were going to talk between then and now and he said if we want to, yeah! So... anyway... I'm not going to call him, and I'm waiting til the Park meeting to talk again... sound good? Any advice would be great... He still loves me, so I don't get this... but... anyway... thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegrey Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 By the way... as I was getting in my car he said he loves me and tried to hug me, and I said, "No, that would just confuse things." He looked sympathetic, I said, "Okay, just a hug cause this feels awkward" and he started rubbing my back so I pulled away and said, "That's the kind of hug a boyfriend gives, we're just friends..." he tried to hide it, but he had tears in his eyes... Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Sometimes people do just need time to work out what they want. You should try to appreciate that he is being honest and not dragging the relationship into the ground by continuing in something he doesn't want. I have broken up with myex for the same reason. She was always saying that she needs time to know what she wants, but I was unable to give her the space she wanted when we were together, so I broke up to help her have that space. It wasn't something I wanted to do, although I think she did want a break from me. We aren't "on a break" though, we are just remaining friends and seeing what happens later on. Link to post Share on other sites
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