Should i go on ?

[someone_here]

my boy friend and i have been together for quite sometimes and we planned to get married next year. We have been looking for apartment to stay and planned many things.

Everything seemed ok in the beginning , until i found that he lied to me. He lied abt his past that he ever married before . So now his status is a divorcee. I was so shocked to find this fact. I found it really hurts me that he has lied to me all this long. He never said he ever married before. He said he had a gf before. Thats all. I feel anger , hurt , sad , disapointed in the same time. I dont mind to marry a divorcee but i mind the he lied to me. I tried to discuss with him few times, hoping that this relationship still can be saved, but it was not going anywhere... it simply didnt work. i still love him but on the other hand i feel so insecure. afraid that he may lie to me again . i simply couldnt trust him .

he said sorry and he said he still loves me but he refused to meet up. Now this thing turn into a mess. We are in the cold war... i feel like giving up...

[slubberdegullion]

Wow, this is a biggie.

 

So as I understand it, it's not about the fact that he's divorced, it's about the fact that he didn't tell you about it. Do I have that right?

 

If so, there are a few things I think you need to do:

• Stop the cold war. Take the initiative and get communicating again;
  
• Express your feelings to him, but keep it unemotional, even clinical. If he's like a lot of guys, as soon as the waterworks start he'll shut down;
  
• Get his side of the story, and listen well. Once he has told you, mirror it back to him so he knows that you have heard both his words and his intent;
  
• Make it clear to him that you cannot, and will not, trust your heart to a liar. Again, keep it clinical and free of emotion. State it as fact, not as feeling;
  
• Finally, allow him some grace. We all do things that we're not proud of, and this is undoubtedly one of his millstones around his neck.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[someone_here]

thank you for your repply... very meaningful suggestion ... thanks you so much...

to be frank with u ....

it is about pride... i am worry.. that he thinks ... i couldnt live without him if i take the initiative. although deep inside i miss him a lot. and i worry he lied to me again...

[AmberAriesMom]

I don't think it's your place to take the initiative to talk about his lying. It's most definitely HIS place to do that. If he cares.

 

However, that said, this man lied to you. That means he doesn't respect you. Get out while you still can and don't feel bad about it.

[slubberdegullion]

I don't think it's your place to take the initiative to talk about his lying. It's most definitely HIS place to do that. If he cares.

I agree, but only to a point. He may believe that since he's admitted his mistake, the case is now closed and there's no real point in rehashing it.

Get out while you still can and don't feel bad about it.

I disagree. Not everything is a deal-breaker. Actually, issues like this can actually strengthen a relationship by clearing the air and defining expectations.

[someone_here]

hi..thansk for both of u . i do appricate your opinion . just to fill u in...

yesterday , he came to me and he asked me if we could start everything all over again. and he said that he was sad the fact that i never called him and he thaught that i didnt want the relationship anymore. he promised me that he would be true to me and prove it to me.

i was trying to listen and to get the 'true' message. i didnt respon with anger. i just listen calmly but i couldnt deny that i was so glad to see him again.

on the other hand, i feel so insecure... until now i still try to figure out and ponder what i should do. i dont want to force my self to be with someone that i dont even know whether he is true to me or not. and the picture of his previous wedding popped up in my mind several times. i feel so confuse and i find it difficult for me to think straight.

i still love him a lot but i am questionning my self ... is this the right thing?

i just want to make the right decission and i dont want one day.. when i look back.. i regret for the thing i should do or thing that i shouldnt do.

[Becoming]

Someone--I think you're right to be cautious. Dishonesty is a huge roadblock to a real relationship. Just slow down and give it time to see if he's really true or not. Some men lie because they don't want to disappoint us. It makes no sense, really, but you have to make it crystal clear that if he ever lies to you again that you're outa here and follow through on that.

 

Put off moving in together and give yourself the distance you need to assess the situation before getting too close to be able to really see what's going on. You've got good instincts. Trust them.

[Art_Critic]

How long was he married ???

 

I dated a girl a year \or so ago that told me she had nevr been married but later on she told me she had been.. but it only lasted less than 90 days.. So she never considered that married..

 

I saw her point.. I didn't like it.. but I saw it and accepted it..

[newbby]

he may have thought it didnt make him look like reliable relationship material. on the other hand, he needs to explain himself to you so that you can be sure of what he is really all about. its quite a big thing to hide from you for a long time.

[someone_here]

hi all.. thanks alot for your feedback...

 

Art_Critic : How long was he married ??? ---> 2 years, but no kid. they got divorce before we met one to another.

 

becoming :

Put off moving in together and give yourself the distance you need to assess the situation before getting too close to be able to really see what's going on. You've got good instincts. Trust them ---->

 

i do agree that i need to make a distance with him . the more i think abt it , the more i am not sure abt this relationship.i just try to be rational instead of being emotional. to use my brain rather than listen to my heart only.

To day he came to me again and he said sorry for making me sad from time to time. i have forgiven him . one thing i feel it very obvious is that i am not as enthusiastic as before. i still have feeling for him , but i know something is missing.i dont miss him like i used to. even when he kissed me , i feel nothing.

and i try not to meet up as often as before. i set busy schedule to make my self busy.

i still love him and i dont want to hurt him in the end and i dont want to mess up my life either.

[someone_here]

after all the effort i put in to make this relationship work... he said he doesnt want the relationship anymore .n said to me not to look for him or contact him anymore.

he said he is not happy and he wanted to stop the pain.

 

since i found he lied to me, i was feeling up n down many times. but i tried to cover it from him. but he turned to be so cold... n scolded me with nasty words.it seemed all things had happened was my fault.

 

he even said if we get married one day, it would be ended by another divorce. when he said that i felt so broken inside.

 

he said he felt cornered and asked me to find a better guy.

.... guys,.. i love this guy a lot but he hurt me so much... i will not put effort anymore. we broke up on jan1st.

n i never call him or contact him anymore... although i loved him a lot.

anyone of u can tell me the fastest way and the best way to get over him ?

i would appreciate it ...

[skeptik224]

Hey, Someone... I think lying about him being married is huge - but I don't think it's big enough to warrant an ending of a relationship. Perhaps he lied because he was embarassed. Perhaps he wasn't sure how you'd respond. I do think that he should have told you before you relationship escalated to the level it did. It seems something that you both should be able to work through. I do, wonder, though, why he has changed his mind about the relationship all together. Surely, he has to understand that a lie is a lie but I tend to wonder what he's hiding. He seems to have gotten defensive (for lack of a better word)in that now he's pushing you away. He seems to be one of those people who would rather push blame on someone else for the failure of this rather than man-upping and taking responsibility for what he's done. Communication is going to be the key to get through this - as is with many. There is no reason he should scold you at all. He's negating your feelings and turning it around on you.

[someone_here]

Hey, Someone... I think lying about him being married is huge - but I don't think it's big enough to warrant an ending of a relationship. Perhaps he lied because he was embarassed. Perhaps he wasn't sure how you'd respond.

 

yes.. to me it is a biggie. but he said to me and put it so simple. he said the problem is only whether i can accept the fact he was married before. i was disapointed with his attitude but i did explain to him, that the probs is not the fact he is a divorce but he has been lying .

 

the last moment before we broke up , he complained to me that i asked him to stop smoking. he said that he didnt like the restriction and he felt cornered. actually, i asked him to stop smoking because he has respiratory problem. and he should take some tablets every night. almost every night he should sleep in certain position , otherwise he couldnt breath properly.

i concerned abt his health. and everytime i saw him couldnt breath , i felt so sad n pitty him. however,... he also is not happy abt it.

 

It seems something that you both should be able to work through. I do, wonder, though, why he has changed his mind about the relationship all together. Surely, he has to understand that a lie is a lie but I tend to wonder what he's hiding.

 

well, i guess he had another lie and most probably he is seeing someone else. because he asked me to find someone better than him. i had tried my best to communicate and to work things together. but i guess it is useless, it only brings me pain.

 

He seems to have gotten defensive (for lack of a better word)in that now he's pushing you away. He seems to be one of those people who would rather push blame on someone else for the failure of this rather than man-upping and taking responsibility for what he's done. Communication is going to be the key to get through this - as is with many. There is no reason he should scold you at all. He's negating your feelings and turning it around on you.

[someone_here]

Hey, Someone... I think lying about him being married is huge - but I don't think it's big enough to warrant an ending of a relationship. Perhaps he lied because he was embarassed. Perhaps he wasn't sure how you'd respond.

 

yes.. to me it is a biggie. but he said to me and put it so simple. he said the problem is only whether i can accept the fact he was married before. i was disapointed with his attitude but i did explain to him, that the probs is not the fact he is a divorce but he has been lying .

 

the last moment before we broke up , he complained to me that i asked him to stop smoking. he said that he didnt like the restriction and he felt cornered. actually, i asked him to stop smoking because he has respiratory problem. and he should take some tablets every night. almost every night he should sleep in certain position , otherwise he couldnt breath properly.

i concerned abt his health. and everytime i saw him couldnt breath , i felt so sad n pitty him. however,... he also is not happy abt it and use this to blame me. he said that he will not change his mind , he doesnt want the relationship anymore. few hours after that he texted me " hope u dont see me anymore. I am sorry " i didnt reply . i was speechless and numb.

 

It seems something that you both should be able to work through. I do, wonder, though, why he has changed his mind about the relationship all together. Surely, he has to understand that a lie is a lie but I tend to wonder what he's hiding.

 

well, i guess he had another lie and most probably he is seeing someone else. because he asked me to find someone better than him. i had tried my best to communicate and to work things together. but i guess it is useless, it only brings me pain.

 

He seems to have gotten defensive (for lack of a better word)in that now he's pushing you away. He seems to be one of those people who would rather push blame on someone else for the failure of this rather than man-upping and taking responsibility for what he's done. Communication is going to be the key to get through this - as is with many. There is no reason he should scold you at all. He's negating your feelings and turning it around on you.

 

yes.. i agree with you . i think he is that type.

 

i guess... break up is the only resort and it is best. he didnt want the relationship anymore. i am numb