Guys - what makes a gal 'just a friend?'

[Outcast]

Do you have a list of 'qualifications' for a relationship and women who don't meet the list stay friends? Why are your women friends just friends? Are you friends with any women you are physically attracted to but who you are sure would not suit you as partners? If not, would you be?

[slubberdegullion]

I personally don't have any sort of list, but I know people who actually have character traits and other personality aspects written out.

 

Why are your women friends just friends?

Some are just not sexually attractive to me, others are married or involved, others have a bucketful of "issues."

Are you friends with any women you are physically attracted to but who you are sure would not suit you as partners?

Yep. Beyond the ones that are married or involved, I have a couple of really hot friends who I love to hang with but who are, well, kinda screwed up or hate men because of some previous experiences. I know I have no chance to become intimate, so I don't even bother trying.

If not, would you be?

Yes, but only once the "issues" are resolved. I've got enough going on in my life; I don't really need to be burdened with more things that I cannot control or fix.

[Outcast]

others have a bucketful of "issues."

 

What kinds of 'issues'?

 

I'm asking because I'd like to have some guy friends again. All my old ones are far away.

 

I figure the way to do it is to be unattractive to them if I can manage it but still be ok to be a friend with. Not sure if I could carry it off, but maybe if I faked some 'issues' that would turn 'em off in terms of the idea of me as partner but not so much that they'd also reject me as friend?

[slubberdegullion]

What kinds of 'issues'?

There are a few:

• The "I want it ALL and I'll get it if it kills me" syndrome;
  
• The "I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need a man in my life" syndrome;
  
• The "I'm willing to be in a relationship once the rest of my life/finances/divorce is settled" syndrome;
  
• The martyr-ist "My kids come first, then my job, then if there's time and energy maybe a relationship" syndrome;
  
• Then there are just some personality and physical types which are fine for friends but not for anything more intimate.

Duzzat help?

 

If you're interested in more guy friends but only as friends and not as lovers, wear Birkenstocks, peasant dresses and don't shave your legs or underarms.

[lindya]

Ubiquitous references to "Birkenstocks" have led me to finally googe the term. I realise now that the culprits are a wide array of flat sandals that appear to be designed for outdoor summer activities such as walking and camping. This is wholly unacceptable. Every woman knows that if one must engage in such activities, Manolo Blahniks are the only suitable attire.

 

But sadly, this is symptomatic of our whole civilisation steadily crumbling. Our ancestors foresaw it when (disregarding the fact that a man felt most like a man when his lady was in need of the smelling salts) women started complaining about wearing corsets, and some even stopped wearing them altogether.

 

Many people don't realise that the true purpose of Victorian handlebar moustaches was to disguise the angry muscle that would pump in many a man's cheek as he realised that his wife had loosened the stays on her corset.

 

Oucast. In your quest to increase your circle of male acquaintances I would suggest organising and widely publicising a "find your inner wild man" camping weekend to take place in the mountains. No wimmin, no Birkenstocks. That will be your weekend to go out on the town and select some suitable new acquaintances from the remaining men in your city.

[westernxer]

The other night I was watching "When Harry Met Sally," and the entire time I felt like kicking Harry in the nuts.

 

I have no female friends. None.

 

Made that mistake once, and it was torture. We don't talk anymore, thank goodness.

[Walk]

I'm curious as to the reason you are actively seeking out specifically male friends? Why not just "friends" in general?

[Outcast]

here are a few:

 

* The "I want it ALL and I'll get it if it kills me" syndrome;

* The "I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need a man in my life" syndrome;

 

Oooh thanks. I think I could maybe pull that one off fairly well.

 

If you're interested in more guy friends but only as friends and not as lovers, wear Birkenstocks, peasant dresses and don't shave your legs or underarms.

 

ROTFLMAO - if I were to do that here, it'd be like honey to bears LOL. This is a very earthy area - lots of hippie kiddies who are themselves hippieish LOL. I believe we probably have record high sales numbers for yogurt and granola

 

I'm curious as to the reason you are actively seeking out specifically male friends? Why not just "friends" in general?

 

I'm not. What I'm tired of is being frosty to all the fellows I know. It sounds horribly conceited, but when I'm friendly, they get the idea that I might want to go out with them. A lot of them are nice people but wouldn't do as partners but I'm sick of faking standoffishness in order to not encourage someone I'd then disappoint. So maybe I could try another tactic - be friendly but have some sort of fatal flaw so they will themselves decide I'm not worth pursuing as other but a friend.

[lindya]

I'm not. What I'm tired of is being frosty to all the fellows I know. It sounds horribly conceited, but when I'm friendly, they get the idea that I might want to go out with them. A lot of them are nice people but wouldn't do as partners but I'm sick of faking standoffishness in order to not encourage someone I'd then disappoint. So maybe I could try another tactic - be friendly but have some sort of fatal flaw so they will themselves decide I'm not worth pursuing as other but a friend.

 

Potential romance repellants may include

 

1. Casual mention of the iguana and collection of snakes you keep in an aquarium in your bedroom

2. Wearing clothes that are mustard coloured (I read that somewhere)

3. Cultivating an obsession with musicals

4. (Along the lines of the above) adopting Julie Andrews as your role model

5. Letting it be common knowledge that you always give your cat and reptile collection a goodnight kiss, and that failure of any guest staying over to do the same will cause anger and unrest within the menagerie.

[Neptune]

There is something about sexual chemistry or sensuality, whatever you call it, that is hard to disguise.

 

Outcast, it seems you must have that sex appeal to men. Probably very little you can do to bridge that divide if you are looking for friendship. I can see how attractive women do it but really can`t explain it. They have a way of always maintaining a distance that you can`t seem to penetrate.

[Yamaha]

A good repealant to romance for a guy is a b/f. Say you have one or get one and most guys will respect that relationship. Stay casual with your guy friends and don't hang out alone with them. To much alone time with them may lead to feelings. Women who suceed with guy friends tell them up front and the guys know where they stand.

[Outcast]

Potential romance repellants may include

 

1. Casual mention of the iguana and collection of snakes you keep in an aquarium in your bedroom

2. Wearing clothes that are mustard coloured (I read that somewhere)

3. Cultivating an obsession with musicals

4. (Along the lines of the above) adopting Julie Andrews as your role model

5. Letting it be common knowledge that you always give your cat and reptile collection a goodnight kiss, and that failure of any guest staying over to do the same will cause anger and unrest within the menagerie.

 

:lmao:

 

1. Just my luck I'd find the guy with the reptile obsession.

2. I'd be nauseous. Also look nauseous LOL

3. Ooh. Maybe not musicals but maybe fake an obsession over one singer. Hmm. Michael Bolton maybe?

4. Nah. Some guys think she'd be ideal.

5. Now this has real potential!

 

They have a way of always maintaining a distance that you can`t seem to penetrate.

 

It's probably that standoffishness that I was hoping to abandon.

 

A good repealant to romance for a guy is a b/f. Say you have one or get one and most guys will respect that relationship.

 

I guess I could invent an LDR. It wouldn't fly that I have one in town - I see some of these people often enough that they'd know that wasn't true.

[johan]

Do you have a list of 'qualifications' for a relationship and women who don't meet the list stay friends?

 

I have no "list" that I'm aware of. I've never made one anyway. But most women are clearly on one side of the potential girlfriend line or the other.

 

Why are your women friends just friends?

 

Looking back, I was friends with women if one of us actually felt more could happen. And then the one who wasn't interested in more was typically reaping some other benefit. When that benefit was no longer needed, or when the other really fell in love, then the friendship ended. Because of that, I don't make friends with women anymore.

 

Are you friends with any women you are physically attracted to but who you are sure would not suit you as partners? If not, would you be?

 

I really don't know any women like that. If there's no relationship in the cards, then I have enough other things to do that we don't end up resorting to being friends. To be honest, I only really want to be friends with my sweetheart. I have no problem carving out a spot in my cold heart for her. Other women end up getting on my nerves.

 

I guess it boils down to this:

1) If I think she's hot and she doesn't get on my nerves, then I either date her or stay away to save myself.

2) If I don't think she's hot, but she doesn't get on my nerves, then I keep my distance to avoid complications that seem to always come up.

3) If I do think she's hot, but she gets on my nerves, then I stop thinking she's hot and I have no time for her.

4) If I don't think she's hot, and she gets on my nerves, then I avoid all forms of contact.

[SuperMonk]

If she's not attractive to me (ugly) or she has a lot of mental problems (psycho)

[FataMorgana]

Looking back, I was friends with women if one of us actually felt more could happen. And then the one who wasn't interested in more was typically reaping some other benefit. When that benefit was no longer needed, or when the other really fell in love, then the friendship ended. Because of that, I don't make friends with women anymore.

 

I guess it boils down to this:

1) If I think she's hot and she doesn't get on my nerves, then I either date her or stay away to save myself.

2) If I don't think she's hot, but she doesn't get on my nerves, then I keep my distance to avoid complications that seem to always come up.

3) If I do think she's hot, but she gets on my nerves, then I stop thinking she's hot and I have no time for her.

4) If I don't think she's hot, and she gets on my nerves, then I avoid all forms of contact.

 

very interesting post johan, thanks for sharing, it's opened my eyes to the key of the behaviour for a couple of guys I know but couldn't work out.

 

I think you're spot on.

cheers

[NYCmitch25]

Some argue this state you refer to as "friends" can never exist... a single instance of this would colapse the Universe...

[Craig]

Hahaha, Outcast be yourself and drop hints that you are definitely not looking for a relationship if that is what you sense you need to do. If necessary talk about the friendship and how great it is that you and he can just be friends instead of getting into a romantic relationship. Of course, you only say stuff like this if you find it necessary. Some guys I'm sure will only want to be friends, some need a little hint that you only want to be friends and some need the help of a 2 x 4 to get it.

 

I don't have a list of qualifications either for friends or relationships. More of a list of disqualification’s that would exclude them from being in my company.

 

I am and have been friends with women that I am physically attracted to (and are generally regarded as physically stunning) but would not suit me as a partner so I don't consider crossing the line of friendship.

 

That being said my friends and I might do things that could be considered a part of dating like going out for dinner, seeing movies, going for walks (yes on the beach--that sounds so corny) and all the other stuff that dating couples do but there is zero physical contact and there is a real sense (at least to me) that we are not "just friends" but friends. We can relax and be ourselves with each other without being concerned about or on guard for potential romantic interest from each other.

 

Do I find them physically appealing? Yes, sometimes, but that in itself is not going to persuade me to disrupt a friendship with them.

 

In a friendship, a true (to me) friendship there is a respect for my friend that over-rides any attraction that I might experience for them. We talk about everything including relationships but we don't talk about having a relationship with each other except in rare instances. Somehow it just seems to be known that this is a friendship not the pre-amble to something else.

 

Weird perhaps, some people can't (won't?) do it but I enjoy the company of a woman as a friend.

 

When I was living with my STBXW I was encouraged to give up my women friends and I did. Now that I am separated for some time I am cultivating those friendships again. In one instance I did have to have “the talk” with one woman, that under different circumstances might be relationship material but as I’m currently recovering from a bad marriage I have plans not to get into a romantic relationship until I am confident that I know what I want, what I don’t want, what I can live with and what I can’t live with. She even asked me “what if the perfect woman came along” (meaning her) and I told her it didn’t matter, I need time to heal.

 

My advice is, be yourself, be open, honest and direct. Sometimes you have to cut people loose from your life because they don’t honestly fit into your life.

[witabix]

At the risk of sounding immature and a d*ckhead I am developing a list.

 

Relationship list...

 

1. No male friends she wants to "hang out" with on a one to one basis who I have never met and who she does not want to introduce me to.

 

2. Chronic tardiness. Shows disrespect, apologies to Outcast in advance and with total respect for your views on this subject. Beat me with a big stick if you wish.

 

3. No more counsellor/patient relationships, I have had enough of drawing people out of their problems/shells. So not cool I know, but believe me I am sooo tired of it.

 

Friendship rules

1. A woman who can look after herself, doesn't need mollycoddling

 

2. Don't want to hear your b/f problems/pms symptoms/divorce/etc

 

3. Funny/humourous/laughs a lot.

 

Actually you can add the do's of friendship to the dont's of relationship, but the top 3 do not have to be present in a friend, because I just don't care that deeply about friends/acquaintances. That sounds a little wrong but I know what I mean,

[justagirl1121]

You all probably know the When Harry Met Sally rule....he said No man can be friends with a woman without there being more involved...

 

Now for a girl, I think, there's more to that, right? I have a few guy friends, some of them I think are cute, some I think are alright, none of them I am physically attracted to, maybe just because we're in the "friends zone" or they were dating others and I just can't see myself with that person. But I love them to death, just could never date them...

 

However, if what I'm reading from some people on this board is true and most guys do not become friends with women they aren't going to be in an intimate relationship, then I've got a little problem. I didn't always have many guy friends, like at that awkward stage where I didn't know how to talk to them, or they were nasty to me. But as a girl, and not having any guy friends, people start to assume I'm gay or something. Doesn't matter, don't talk to boys, only talk to girls? You're GAY! Trust me, have had this said to me....so...yeah, I guess I am all for the "having guy friends without the need for more..."

[whichwayisup]

I am and have been friends with women that I am physically attracted to (and are generally regarded as physically stunning) but would not suit me as a partner so I don't consider crossing the line of friendship.

Craig nailed it right there. It's so important to recognize that! Once the boundries are set and lines won't be crossed, having a friend of the opposite sex is okay.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This is a very interesting topic.

 

I'll chip in with my take on it...

 

Generally speaking, I get along really well with guys. I've had guy friends that I would call my buddies, chums, very close pals - in the real sense of the term.

 

That being said, I also know that unless you look like Quasimodo's sister or have no brains at all, most guys will be attracted to you at some point or the other. The more time you spend with them, the more they recognise that you are (probably) an intelligent, caring and conscientious person. Initially, this helps form very strong friendship bonds, but later on usually leads to deeper feelings.

 

I totally endorse what Craig said. It's an art of maintaining a fine balance, and respecting boundaries. If you have it straight that you just want "friends", then you also have to be lucky enough to find a guy that thinks the same way. That is, he would really like to be friends with and hang out with a woman whose company is enjoyable - but he has other priorities and / or preferences, to make him not want a romantic relationship with you.

 

Agreed, this is literally a needle-and-haystack scenario!! But there's nothing in particular that you can do, or a particular way to behave, in order for a guy to see you as a friend. You'll get bored. After all, the onus is on him as much as it is on you.

 

Yes, you have to somehow "gel in" with the guys, make them feel comfortable, but you don't have to turn into a hairy, androgen-enriched "butch" (is that the right term?) Actually, it helps when you look / behave in a moderately feminine way (not sexual, though). Somehow, it makes guys feel less threatened, and kindles their protective instinct. Again, it's a very fine balance.

 

And since these days it's so difficult to find a guy who's not interested in getting laid and / or getting a new GF, it might help if you are friendly with a couple (guy and girl) that you can hang out with.

 

One last thing: All the above scenarios (including the couple) are not for serious, everyday hanging out. For that, it's best to have a mixed group of boys and girls (assuming you don't want a girls' night out).

[ReluctantRomeo]

Do you have a list of 'qualifications' for a relationship and women who don't meet the list stay friends?

 

To some extent, yes.

 

 

Why are your women friends just friends?

 

Lots of possibilities, but 2 common ones:

 

1. They don't fit the character qualifications, as above.

2. Somehow romance never gelled between us and we are now happily stuck in the friends zone. This could be bad timing (never both single at the same time) or even in one case that we tried romance and it didn't work.

 

 

Are you friends with any women you are physically attracted to but who you are sure would not suit you as partners?

 

Yes. Not least because my job brings me into contact with a lot of physically very attractive women.

 

If you want to be friends with a guy, pick a guy who already has a track record in platonic female friendships, start being friendly and make it clear that you're unavailable.

[alphamale]

Do you have a list of 'qualifications' for a relationship and women who don't meet the list stay friends? Why are your women friends just friends? Are you friends with any women you are physically attracted to but who you are sure would not suit you as partners? If not, would you be?

I don't believe that men and women should be (or truly can be) "friends". If we were all just "friends" the human race would have died out a long time ago.

[hotgurl]

I used to have a lot of male friend but at soem point all of them tried to b e something more. Than once I was in a serious relationship they disappeared.

 

I miss hanging out with guys but there was always flirting etc..

 

no my only male friend are gay.

[Outcast]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies!

 

If you have it straight that you just want "friends", then you also have to be lucky enough to find a guy that thinks the same way. That is, he would really like to be friends with and hang out with a woman whose company is enjoyable - but he has other priorities and / or preferences, to make him not want a romantic relationship with you.

 

You're right, of course. I was, fool that I am, thinking I could turn some of these 'interested' guys into just friends but it won't work. I guess I could try faking some undesirable qualities but as we all know, you sometimes have to almost bash someone over the head with a sledgehammer literally to convince him you're not a good deal.

 

I am and have been friends with women that I am physically attracted to (and are generally regarded as physically stunning) but would not suit me as a partner so I don't consider crossing the line of friendship.

 

That's what I was after. Not that I'm stunning, but I was hoping to be able to do something that would make me unsuitable as a partner so they'd just be pals. Dumb idea, I guess.