Imposing Parents Have Crossed the Line

[Tland]

Does this sound crazy and cruel here?

 

My parents have been critical and disapproving of my wife since we've been married (4 years ago). Fortunately, we have lived in a different state than them for most of that time so we have had to deal with them very little.

 

Last year, I lost my job and we had no choice (at least it sure seemed that way) but to move in with my parents until we could get back on our feet. Big mistake. My wife was constantly criticized and my parents would often vent their frustration toward me ("You need to control your wife!" or "Your wife is 'manipulating' you!"). It got so heated that we couldn't stand it any longer. We up and moved out with our 6-month-old daughter and back to the Midwest.

 

We have been in our new apartment for less than a month-and-a-half, and I have just landed a really great job. We are finally putting our lives back together again and couldn't be happier.

 

And my parents are at it again. My dad calls me up and tells me that they are coming up (hasn't even been a month-and-a-half) and they are staying with us. The thought of this sends chills down my spine. I also know I am just starting my job and will not be able to take the time off, which means she would be stuck all alone with my parents (whom she feels have never accepted her). I can't stand the thought of that. I know that first and foremost, I have to protect my wife and make her feel secure and safe, and that would be a terrible idea.

 

So, I called back and told my parents that they didn't need to come. It hasn't been but five weeks and we need some time to heal and cool down. Well, you would have thought I had just committed the unpardonable sin. They flipped out, saying that "I just stuck a knife in them and twisted it."

 

I don't feel guilty about anything I said. It is true. The truth is, my wife and I both would love to have a good and meaningful relationship with them (and we certainly want them to be involved in their granddaughter's life), but they are being completely unreasonable. We have to set some serious boundaries here, but we want to do the right thing. My folks refuse to accept any responsibility in this (it's all my WIFE'S FAULT! - this is what they think).

 

Am I just a cruel person? I love my parents and have always been close with them (it's gotten strained over the last few years), but I have to make sure my wife is feeling secure and safe. Then, maybe we can start to rebuild our relationship with my folks.

 

My question is: how do I keep the "fences" up while at the same time putting a "gate" there that is accessible? My folks do not handle boundaries particularly well.

[Citizen Erased]

It is great to see that you put your Wife before your parents. No, you are not being unreasonable, they are. They have not accepted your wife after FOUR YEARS! no, I would have to say that the unreasonable ones here are your parents.

 

You are going to have to confront your parents face to face with this matter.

Don't try it at their place, it is their turf, or even your own. Neutral ground would be Family Counselling, but if they are not willing to do this than you will have to choose whether to have them at your place or not. Don't back down.

 

Confront them with a united front, you and your wife. Have an even, calm

tone of voice and just put across your feelings. If they try to take it out on your wife, then say no, it is not her fault. Have patience, and be calm. Be prepared to give a little though. Try not to put all of the blame on them, just try to work it out. Have examples of when they said this that and the other about your wife, how they have brought across their views of her and most importantly how this made YOU feel abou them. Demand that they accept her as she is not going anywhere, she is your wife and if it leads to a heated argument, do not raise your voice and be prepared to say who you would choose if they put to you that you have to make a choice THEM or HER!

 

Good Luck!!

[Adunaphel]

I cannot see how you could sound crazy or cruel.

I applaud you for standing up for your wife, and for putting her feelings before those of your parents.

 

I think that if you want "to keep a gate open", it might be enough to tell your parents that you will be very glad to keep in touch with them, see them when the time comes and try to rebuild your relationship with them,

but that your *new* family is your main priority.

Tell them that you really care about them, that you would hate it to remain on bad terms with them, but that it is most important that they respect your wife, and do not try in any way to stand between you and her.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope you, your wife and your parents will reconcile.

[Tland]

So my mother calls me tonight, trying to play on my sympathies (as you can tell from my original post, she and my father are known to be drama queens), telling me how hurt she is that I have "shunned" them from my life.

 

I proceeded to tell her calmy, lovingly, and gently that I loved her. That as hard as it may be for them to believe, my wife and I actually do want to rebuild a solid relationship with them. That we have no desire to "shun" them from our home and we certainly have no desire to keep their grandchild from them. We did, however, need some time to heal from the past several months. That we were just getting established and rebuilding our lives and our marriage.

 

Well, she just could not understand that! "Heal from WHAT??" She asked. "We have never done anything but lay out the 'red carpet' for your wife!"

 

I then gave some very specific examples of some hurtful things she said to me behind my wife's back.

 

She hung up!

 

Hung up on me!

 

I was never angry. I never yelled. I never said anything mean. And she couldn't take it. She refuses to take ANY responsibility in this. Heck, I even admitted that we weren't perfect in the whole scenario. And she hung up.

 

So, I called her back. She was SOBBING on the other end of the phone. Saying things like, "Oh, you have DESTROYED ME! You have been SO MEAN to me! So mean to me! I have ALWAYS stood up for your wife!"

 

I asked, "When did you stand up for my wife, Mom?"

 

Well, she sobs even harder and never answers my question. She says, "I can't talk to you anymore!"

 

I told her "Mom, you need to call 'the Counselor' I called last night. Maybe he can help." She sobs louder, saying, "Oh, BELIEVE ME, I will!"

 

What do I do here? My gosh, my parents are driving me up the wall! I have lived far away for a while and haven't had to put my foot down much, but the moment I do, they make me feel like I have completely DESTROYED my extended family. I don't know what to do. I am NOT going to cave and be this 'scared little boy' they want me to be.

 

How do we begin to rebuild a chaotic relationship from this? I know my mother is simply being a drama queen to play on my emotions. She will probably make suicidal threats before it's all over.

 

Seriously, my parents are good people somehow. Of course, they are extremely unhappy with everything in their life right now - their job, their "snobby" daughter-in-law, and now their son who is placing boundaries they've never had to respect.

 

Any advice? Should I just let them cool down for a while? Is there ANYTHING I can do to at least get some civilization here?

[ehehef]

Tland,

 

I saw your thread on mine so I'm visiting yours!

 

The similarities are uncanny... shall we start a club of some sort? Create our own special little forum? :-)

 

Good luck to you and keep me posted, I'd like to hear your developments since you've obviously been in this longer than I have....

[bluechocolate]

If your parents cannot understand (or refuse to understand) your side in this then unfortunately there really isn't much that you can do.

 

....of some hurtful things she said to me behind my wife's back.

 

This is unconscionable. How did you handle those situations when your mother was bad mouthing your wife?

 

Your parents are under no obligation to like your wife and they do not have to 'approve' of her. They do however have a duty to respect your wishes & decisions & behave in a civil and polite manner.

 

What do I do here?

 

Did the counselor you spoke to have any suggestions?

 

Obviously trying to talk with them/her over the phone isn't going to work (hanging up is so childish). I would write them a letter explaining how you & your wife feel. Give specific examples of their behaviour that you felt were inappropriate & explain how that made both of you feel. And like you said in your phone conversation, admit that you weren't always perfect either. If you want to you could supply a phone number to a family counselor or advice line. Then leave it to them to take the next step.

 

If there is going to be a visit I would suggest that you don't stay with them or they with you, at least not at first. Sometimes we have to detach and ask ourselves, 'Is this the type of person I want as a guest in my home, family member or not?' If the answer is no, then don't invite them in.

 

Until this matter gets sorted to your satisfaction I would also be careful about giving them unsupervised access to your child. If your mother feels no qualms about bad mouthing your wife to you then chances are she'll do the same with your child, which can be very confusing & damaging to a youngster.

 

A few years ago I had a huge blow up with my mother while I was on vacation with my parents. I tried to sit down & calmly say what I felt the problem was & explained that I didn't want us to fall out over this. She yelled & carried on like a banshee, 'she did nothing wrong', 'she didn't know what I was talking about', etc.. The only thing I could then resort to was saying,

 

'We are all adults & I expect to be treating as such and given the same respect & civility that you would give to a peer. I will not be yelled at, I will not be bullied, I will not be spoken to like a child & I will not allow you to place all the blame for this on me. If you cannot meet me half-way on this & have a decent adult conversation about it then you have to understand that our relationship will fundamentally change. This is not a threat, simply a fact. I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour from my partner or from a friend & I certainly will not tolerate from you.'

 

I'm happy to say that for me that worked. We talked it through & now have a healthy adult relationship. It's funny how as children we get called upon to assume the role of a reasonable adult when dealing with our parents sometimes.

 

Of course we would all like to have healthy relationships with our parents, unfortunately sometimes it just isn't possible.

 

btw - are you an only child?

[ehehef]

bluechocolate said it right: the older parents get the more they behave like children, while we (hopefully) mature and have to deal with them more.

 

I should modify my previous post to read:

Married Only Children With Difficult Parents Club

(or something like that)

 

After the age of 30 I'm only now realizing just how UNIQUE being an only child is. You might be a bit spoiled, a bit selfish, a bit introverted but above all, your parents hold on to you for dear life....

[Tland]

....of some hurtful things she said to me behind my wife's back.

 

This is unconscionable. How did you handle those situations when your mother was bad mouthing your wife?

 

Well, usually, when she would ask, "Can I just share some concerns I have with your wife?" I would usually hold my hand up and say, "No. Nope. Uh-uh" Once, I said, "Sure, it's your house, you can say whatever you want, but understand that anything you say about her, I will tell her."

 

She said, "Why?"

 

I would typically respond by saying, "What if Grandpa had just told Dad that he just didn't like Dad's wife. Just didn't like her. Didn't like her personality. Would you want to know? Wouldn't you feel you had a right to know what people were saying about you?" This would usually shut her up. A few times, I had to leave the house.

 

Also, I'm not an only child. I have a younger brother.

 

And just so you know, we did all speak with a Counselor. The counselor actually knows my folks. Since the wife and I live several states away, we couldn't meet face to face. So, I called and told the Counselor the situation over the phone. He told me I was, of course, doing the right thing. And he then asked, "Do I have your permission to relay some of what you have told me to your folks?" I responded, "Absolutely. We WANT to resolve this. But they need to understand where we are coming from."

 

And I later wrote them a long letter explaining my heart. I also explained that some of our "healing time" had nothing to do with them. We had experienced a long year all the way around. They didn't necessarily 'help' but it wasn't all them. But, we did need some time and they needed to understand some things.

 

Well, so far, this has done really well. My parents called and apologized to us both. I couldn't believe it. I think hearing it from a counselor, particularly one they knew, actually gave them some perspective I don't think they had thought about.

 

Anyway, they are handling it much better. Like I told them, "You don't have to agree with everything we do, or even understand it. But you WILL respect it." And they need to learn that.

 

Anyway, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Ehehef, hope things are better for you and your wife.

 

If anything else pops up, I'll let you know.

[hotgurl]

bluechocolate said it right: the older parents get the more they behave like children, while we (hopefully) mature and have to deal with them more.

 

I should modify my previous post to read:

Married Only Children With Difficult Parents Club

(or something like that)

 

After the age of 30 I'm only now realizing just how UNIQUE being an only child is. You might be a bit spoiled, a bit selfish, a bit introverted but above all, your parents hold on to you for dear life....

 

I completly agree. I am an only child and am moving away only 1 hour away and my mom is freaking she is pissed and not dealing with it well at all so we haven't been visiting often. A child needs to grow up. She can't let go

[Becoming]

I just want to give you all a standing ovation! What a beautiful example of how to handle difficult parents.

 

Thanks!

[bluechocolate]

Things Are Better

 

That's great news! Chances are you all will now develop a much stronger relationship - respect is what it's all about.