Really Need Some Ideas!!!

[h0pefull]

Here’s the problem at my house. My wife wants to see other people.

 

OK how about some back ground. We met when I was 22 she was 16. Nothing serious came of it till closer to when she was 18 but we hung out. Moved in together when she was 20 and married when she was 24. I’m 31 now she 26. She’s now told me that over the last year she has wanted to be with other people and she’s not attracted to me anymore sexually (what a kick in the junk). I’m now like a brother or a friend. The comfort level is great not only on a personal level but monetary level. The spark is missing though. Lately we have been going to a counselor, but Wed. the counselor though a separation would be best. I think that’s a very bad idea, since we just started to learn these feelings and have them in the open not but a couple of months now. Its spiraling too fast I think.

Now that I know everything that she feels and wants we are very open. We’re not fighting about this in anyway a lot of tears being shed though. She states that she’s never been on her own and wants to be single to date other guys. Now I have a problem with this since were married. The thing is that its now uncomfortable since we had the revelation of not being attracted to me came out. Before that everything was fine. At this point I will do anything to save this and she’s trying too. It’s the fact that she’s unsure of what she wants that makes this horrible for me. By what I gather from her it’s a 50/50 shot at either working it out or the end. Now in the past she slipped up and had a fling about 9 months into the marriage. I forgave and have never brought it up for leverage or even hated her for it. She hates herself, and may not be able to let that go. I’m scared that she has got a taste of the other world and liked it and is now ready to go back. Not to mention she has come closer to a worker at the place of business that was there months ago but stops by and calls. She has said she’s attracted to him but nothing has happened. I have to believe that since were so honest now. Where is all this coming from? When we are together we kissed, hugged, laughed, and have a great time. Up until last month we were having sex. I have no clue how to handle this. I don’t want a separation since they really never work. I don’t want her to be unhappy, and she’s really not but she wants something else too. I love her so much and I’m in love with her. She loves me but not in love with me. Yesterday she went her parents for space and we’ve had minimal contact only phone. As I write this I want to call. Not only for my own insecurities but I want to hear her voice. I also feel like no one has said to her you might be making a big mistake except for me and she doesn’t want that from me. So I don’t say it, but I wish someone would. Maybe its not and I’m just selfish? She is on Prozac for depression wish is new only to this scenario. Hell I’m getting depressed just thinking that I may lose my lovely wife.

Well that what’s happening over at my house. If anyone has ideas or advice how to rekindle things, or even how to handle this let me know. I will try anything.

Tx

[clubking]

I understand your pain, it is very hard to have the person you love tell you that they are not in love with you anymore. This has happened to me and it has been very painful after 12 years of marriage. However the best thing to do (even though it sound like the worst thing to do) is give her space and the freedom she wants. I have been sperated for over two months and it still hurts. It seem that giving space it what is in order. It seem the opposite of what is best - but it is! I have read many comments that not only support this, but things have worked out for many. Yes you may lose her but you should not sacriface your self in the process. I just read a great book called "One question that can save your marriage" by Harry P. Dunne. It has given me insight into the type of negitive behavior that people/I exibit. I am also reading another booked called "The 5 languanges of Love" by Gary Chapman. I think both of these books might help you. Keep in mind that calling, e-mailing her everyday and telling her repeatedly that you love here is not the behavior she wants from you right now. Be strong and keep posting this community is very helpful.

 

Be strong

Clubking

[Mistaken Identity]

It sounds like this person from work may be the problem. I suspect she wants your permission to have an affair with him. If you just stand back and let it happen, she'll lose respect for you. Tell her no. If she insists, she'll have to leave. She may leave anyway to assuage her guilt. But if you try to hang onto her, you'll lose her as well as your self-respect. And, by the way, she may be honest about some things, but not everything. Good luck.

[little_red]

Maybe try taking her out on a romantic date and remind her why you guys were together in the first place. Do something fun and have some laughs. If that doesn't work, maybe give her some time to be single, meaning she sees nobody and has time to think on her own (not giving her "permission" to date). You can talk to her about why she finds these other men attractive. Let her know that no matter who she dates, she'll always find other men sexy. If she really wants to break things off, don't take it too personally. I think it's really one of those "it's not you, it's me" situations. The last thing she wants to do is hurt you.

[h0pefull]

Well I'm sleeping in the basement now. Which sucks, but during the evening everything seems fine. She comes downstairs to watch tv (thats where the big screen is)and wakes me up in the morning whether I need to be or not.

I cook dinner and we eat together and talk. She still feels she wants to be on her own but I'm getting confused? She wants to have me sleep in the basement since if we were split I wouldn't be sleeping with her anyway. The days go on as usual though. Calls me on lunch breaks and after work. I'm totaly lost knowing theres not much I can do to change her feelings. I just wish there was something I could do to tip the scale in my favor.

[dsc1]

I'm going through a similiar situation, however, I think it is how you play the game. I have acted like I'm totally cool with the situation now and I went out yesterday and bought a bunch of new clothes. I, for the last couple of days, have not talked at all about the relationship and have acted upbeat and coy. I am establishing contact with old friends and am starting to cook, which I never did before. I really believe now that you have to make yourself appealing to her again by showing her that you can live without her and that you are not going to sit around pining away for her. I have seen a big difference in the last couple of days in the way she looks at me and she is spending more time with me now then we did when she lived here. I know it's hard to do because there is a lot to lose but with a positive attitude and taking care of yourself I believe a marriage can be saved!

[trickynj99]

i will say first that i love reading these boards because so many of us are in the similar situations!!! if you all feel like i do though, i am so sorry and hope and wish all of you the best...

 

hopeful-i got the same message over a year ago..we lived together a year..now we are living apart..and i must say for the first time in over a year we have kissed warmly..we lived like brother and sister too and although i dont think she is close to "ready"...when i see her now, i get a MUCH MUCH warmer feeling from her and i even heard an old pet name this weekend!

what i am saying is that the separation changed the dynamic we had and now its a little like we are dating and she is obviously liking it a little..sounds sad but true..married and dating!!!

 

clubking!!! what's the question?????? i mean from the book on one question??

let us know!!.

 

i see a therapist and in a different way she says the same as many on this board...i go thru with her what i want to happen/how i want it to happen/how much i love her/ etc....my therapist says everytime tho, "what about her?" what does she want???...thats a cruel way of saying the truth..right now she doesnt want me!!! ouch...this painful sad empty feeling i have is dominating my day to day life and reducing my chances of ever having my wife back in my arms....

 

so let her know you love her(dont suffocate her)...let her know that you are doing great without her(her guilt over rejecting you holds her back)...remind her why used to love you(we all forget that we started out with something great)......in all just hang in and when those down moments hit, thats when you are at the most risk and i stay a million miles away from email and cell phones so i dont do anything stupid!!

[h0pefull]

So I'm on day three now of her being out of the house. I'm not sure how I feel. I've masked the problem with some flavored spirits and alot of sleeping to be honest. When I go back to work I will have alot of time to think so it may become real to me. It is now but I haven't gotten any bad news or what may become of this until this Friday. Thats when she will come back to take care of the animal. We both have a commitment on Sun. too. I guess thats when I'll find out how she feels even with this minimal days of apartness. As for me the advice I obviously not what I want to hear, but I'm going to follow some since nothing is working anyway. I do appreciate the advice too. I only hope for the best without being to selfish.

[h0pefull]

Well the first week she went and stayed at her friends. Last Fri she came home and being away from me didn’t bother her as much as me. We talked and she said she would try. The fact remains the same and that’s she doesn’t want me. She wants other people. Like I said before she loves me to death just not that way. To think I could in any amount of time change that it wasn’t happening. All day Sat and Sun were great no arguments, fighting or anything we had fun. Till Sun night and I asked should I sleep upstairs with her. She said "I don’t care where you sleep"(no tone was involved). I did sleep upstairs but she just went to sleep. We continued to go to bed together through the week. Wed I took her out for dinner at a nice place. As we started talking I heard more of what she felt and that I wasn’t going to change it only time may and a little luck. We both sheaded some tears at the restaurant. She was willing to try anything or ideas I had to maybe make it work, but I have none other than you all saying give her space. Then Thurs morning she said she can't do it anymore and in not so many words said that’s it. Then around noon called during lunch to see how I was? I ask so that’s it then and she said that’s what I was saying this morning. Last night we had it out at times. One thing I know is she’s not given up completely but doesn’t really want to try anymore. I have never heard her say she is scared of what is to come or that she may be making a mistake till last night either. Before she wanted to file for the divorce I said then she should move out and actually get her own place. That’s the only option left and she said that she was willing to try that in an upbeat tone. So today she’s been looking around for a place and I'm sure she'll find one. I don’t know how to move on but this is probably the end and I have to come to terms with that. I haven’t heard of allot of separations working out in the end. So this is pretty much the end until the papers are served. Now for my problem...We have a nice house and I plan to stay for a while in it and make the payments. How long I don’t know, but I know that if at a point that she comes back I would have the house. Now to sell it means that I go to an apartment too. That’s fine since I would leave town soon after anyway. If she wants to come back after that all has happened. It will be too late. How long should I cross my fingers? Now I know this is at the end but I have hope and don’t want to throw away the chance until I'm sure. I know there are other houses but we are not in a large town. Options are limited. Any Ideas?

 

I must say my last post I didn’t spell check so it’s hard to understand. That’s what happens when I forget to use spell check. I’m the typing type. Either way it’s just nice to get it of my chest sometimes.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm guessing that she's having an affair. Usually people just don't up and leave because they're unhappy. Google "Exit Affair" and read what you find there. This is what I think is happening.

 

Check her cell phone bill and the computer history. I suspect you won't have to look long before you find it.

 

You guys are young, she's 26 and has already had a nine month affair once. It seems as if she's incapable of being faithful if she's doing it again.

 

Buy yourself a book called "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. READ IT. It tells you all the things NOT to do to save your marriage. Then, if she wants to save it, marriage counseling is the only way to go.

 

If she doesn't want to do that, she doesn't want to be married and you cannot change her mind.

 

Don't you want to feel free to go on with someone else who does find you attractive and does want to be with you??? Everyone deserves this and she has no respect for you at this point.

[Lil Honey]

She states that she’s never been on her own and wants to be single to date other guys.

 

THIS is the very reason why I try to talk young couples into waiting to get married. I felt like this a couple years after I was married, because I went from living with parents to living with my husband. I never took the opportunity to be independent, on my own and self-reliant.

[dgiirl]

THIS is the very reason why I try to talk young couples into waiting to get married. I felt like this a couple years after I was married, because I went from living with parents to living with my husband. I never took the opportunity to be independent, on my own and self-reliant.

 

couldnt agree more. this is exactly what happen in my relationship. Now that I've been separated for a year, I'm a lot more independent now and a lot less afraid of living alone, now that I've done it. I have a LOT more choices in my life and fear of him leaving isnt controlling me like it use to. He's already left and the world hasnt stopped turning.

[h0pefull]

You guys are young, she's 26 and has already had a nine month affair once. It seems as if she's incapable of being faithful if she's doing it again.

 

It wasn't a nine month affair. It was one night nine months into the marriage after allot of alcohol. In which she told me after 2 days. We were engaged almost 2 years before and just together for about 4. I'm not condoning it either. One thing that is hard for people to understand is that some people are honest. Believe it or not we are not fighting about this at all. I hate it and don't want it to happen but there’s no hurtful things being said. As far as her cheating again I guess it's possible. I have looked at the phone bill there’s nothing there nor the cell phone bill. I could map out the time she has to have any activity and it would have to be quick since she’s home after work and were together most of the other time. I'm not saying it’s not possible it’s just not likely. As far as the internet there’s nothing there, nothing is erased or hidden. I have looked. If anything it’s the fact of her feeling that she settled down too soon and never had the freedom. Freedom of what I have no idea since I've never stopped her from doing anything. Other than other people. Well I tried anyway obviously one slipped by. I understand all that but she is willing to hold this together if we find a way. We're just not sure how. I know that it's close to the end and probably over but we both have hope WE BOTH do. I do like the comments though gives me incite and some understanding.

 

Keep em coming