my story

[footinthemouth]

My story begins like this. I was a 23 year old virgin, met a girl playing volleyball then I ended up marrying her.

 

I first met her when I was 23, I had few relationships in my life, some premature dating in elementary, then once in jr. high school. I’ve been very shy and I didn’t have much confidence in myself with other women. I’ve been to bars and I’m the kind guy who sits in the dark. Basically I never had the guts to talk to other women.

 

So I met this girl playing volleyball and she was very outgoing and sweet. Weeks go by, I only saw once a week playing vball. As the weeks went on there was this connection that I started to feel. She would hold my hand a little extra longer and it was a sign, to me, that she liked me. One week she brought her boyfriend to watch us play, they were having problems in their relationship, so she brought him to meet us because he want to know who I was. A few weeks after she said that some guy asked her out, this gave me hope, well at first I was actually jealous because I wanted to ask her out, but never had the guts. So it wasn’t until we went out to celebrate that is was evident that she was into me.

 

The whole night she wanted to dance with, but every time I would refuse because of my low confidence. At the end of the night she wanted to leave, we drove her back to her house to make sure she got home safe. In the back seat of my friends car, we begin to make out, I was holy **** a girl actually likes me. We got her home and she was asking if I would like to spend the night. Nothing would’ve happened because I was a virgin. The next day I go by her house to see if she was alright, we talked and hung out. We were hanging out everyday since that day, couldn’t spend a second apart. I wanted to see her as much as I could. She was still living with her ex boyfriend, so she was deciding to move out. We were finding a place for, she eventually found a place, but talking with my parents they thought that she should stay with us. She eventually moved into my place 1-3 weeks after that night out. She was working and going to school, I was also starting my first year in college. At first everything worked out well, we got to see each other and spend every free moment with each other. A few months go by and arguments start to flare up. We would mostly argue about body image and because I looked at porn a lot, she felt that I was comparing her body to those of the porn stars. I like big boobs, not huge, but around D cup, she was only a B/C size. I had no problems telling her anything at first, but then as I said more, more arguments would flare up.

 

I thought that this was normal all the arguing and stuff, we were still in love wanting to be in each others arms. So in October I decided to ask her to marry me, she was shocked. She said yes and as days went by we were still arguing a lot, still about the same issues. In November I surprised her with the marriage certificate. Christmas eve we decide that this is the day we will get married. We got married behind my families backs, basically all the people at the ceremony were hers friends and family, there was only 6-10 people there. After we got married my parents eventually found out and were furious with it. My partner lived with me in my parents house for about a year before she had to leave. The day we left and moved in with her parents, we had an argument about something, but it ended up as “if you don’t come with me, we’re over, is that what you really want” So I decided to move in with her and her mother, her father passed away when she was 9. Another year passes and we were still arguing, we had our moments of happiness, but that eventually disappears.

 

I started to pull away from the relationship because of all the arguing, I closed off intimacy, and started to tear away her self esteem. I pushed her emotionally a lot. There are nights when she would go to the bar and I’d go tell her to find some she likes in there and hookk up with him. My thought is that she is allowed to do what ever she wants, even if she is married to me. I will not hold her back from doing what she wants. Anyways I would do this a lot and so one day when she was away in Chicago, she kisses this other guy. She told me she did it to test me and see how I’d react if she did hook up with someone else. She told me straight up, she felt guilty, and I didn’t react to it at all, I didn’t yell or anything to show that I cared if she did something wrong. She told me that I didn’t care for enough to be upset with her. So another night she kisses another guy in the bar, told me straight up again, and I go and act the same way I did. I don’t think that I was ever upset, I bottled it all up inside and built walls around it. So now in the end of our relationship both of us have now pulled our emotions away. I pushed her so much with everything, we would argue everyday until finally I pushed her to her breaking point. This was last week.

 

Through the last year I have contemplated separtation, I’ve let her know it, but it wasn’t until this last week that she officially made it clear that we need to separate. I tore down her self esteem, and lie, and did nothing she asked. I have been talking to her and she has said that she is not in love with me anymore, she wants to be friends, but nothing more. We have IM each other, but now I think I need to implement NC because she said that she wanted time and space, so it might be a good idea. Do any of you think that I should hope or move on. Like I was a rebound, I guess, got married in 6 months of knowing her, been living with each other since the start of our relationship. I still have feelings right now for her, and I want her to know that. She says to try and not think of my future with her in it, because she is just taking day by day now. I need lots of advice because she is my first serious relationship, and I don’t know if I can let go of the feelings. Thanks for any help