The Art of Letting Go

[a4a]

After reading numerous threads here about NC, affairs, and ex's that cannot let go.......

 

I think there is almost an art to extract yourself from a relationship with another person which allows some people to have just minor emotional pain.

 

I am wondering if some have this natural ability to do so easily while others just cannot do it.

 

Those that are able to make a less painful exit from a relationship : What is it that you have within yourself that allows this?

 

Those of you that are still in a struggle or unable to let go : What is it that keeps bringing you back into the center of your own personal hell?

[lindya]

Those of you that are still in a struggle or unable to let go : What is it that keeps bringing you back into the center of your own personal hell?

 

When a relationship ends, my head can present endless logical reasons as to why I shouldn't beat myself up about it. It's enough to keep me relatively sane, but it doesn't seem to stop my heart from muttering "see? Not good enough".

 

I resist attaching to people because of my difficulty in getting over relationship bust ups. Of course, that attracts the sort of men who relish a challenge...so the whole destructive cycle carries on. If I could wave a magic wand and turn myself into a more emotionally robust person, I certainly would.

[blind_otter]

I have a hard tiem giving up on something. I feel the compulsion to finish what I started.

 

Also, I tend to get involved with obsessive men.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Those of you that are still in a struggle or unable to let go : What is it that keeps bringing you back into the center of your own personal hell?

 

you know a4a. Today, March 1st is the 1 year mark to knowing the full truth of my wifes affair. I had been thinking this morning, and am have a bad morning so far, cause I am rehashing all the events of the past year and half and so anger and resentment is showing thru.

 

I was also thinking about why it is still so vivid in my mind at times.

 

Then I come here and see your thread and thought, WOW....I still dont know why I have not got thru this yet, I still have some bad days and I dont know why???

 

so yes, It is an art to live with pain....I do it everyday.....

[bluechocolate]

Those that are able to make a less painful exit from a relationship : What is it that you have within yourself that allows this?

Dignity, self-worth & probably a temporarily over-inflated ego (ie. they're the ones missing out, I'm better than this/them, etc.) and the experience of knowing that time does indeed heal in these situations.

 

And of course circumstance & personality. For instance I am a fiercely independent person so I wouldn't rely too much emotionally on somebody else in the first place. I had a rotten time in life during my early teens & I now realise that instead of becoming vulnerable & weak-willed, I became hard, independent & rather apathetic emotionally. I had become an egg, rather than a carrot. Now I'm the coffee beans.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57961/?highlight=coffee+bean

 

Then after I left school I put my personal life behind my career & a desire to travel. I sought out a job that came with lots of travel & if work sent me overseas for extended periods, I went. Now, having said that, I made it clear to anyone that wanted to get involved with me that that is how it was going to be. As a consequence on many occasions I was the one walking away (or flying rather!). That makes it easier too.

[a4a]

Those that are able to make a less painful exit from a relationship : What is it that you have within yourself that allows this?

Dignity, self-worth & probably a temporarily over-inflated ego (ie. they're the ones missing out, I'm better than this/them, etc.) and the experience of knowing that time does indeed heal in these situations.

 

.

 

I would say you described me to the T with the exception of the

 

temporarily over-inflated ego (ie. they're the ones missing out, I'm better than this/them, etc.)

 

I seem to have a odd ability to make a decision to just let go without thinking the above, nor trying to say I am better than them to speed the healing process.

 

Cheated on in a LTR of 4 yrs. I think I cried for maybe 1/2 hour and came to the conclusion that I was wasting my time doing so. Diverted energy into changing my location and enjoying myself.

 

There is this odd feeling of that comes over me when I realize attempts to stay in a R are futile. It is an odd feeling, almost like a sinking feeling then with great rush of freedom following.... very odd.

 

However I have to wonder if this ability to let go so easily is at times not in my best interest?

[Art_Critic]

temporarily over-inflated ego

 

And here I thought this thread was about letting me go ...

[a4a]

And here I thought this thread was about letting me go ...

 

 

Oh it is about you Art. I am trying to let go of my vision of you in the hot sunshine raising that big wooden beam

[blind_otter]

However I have to wonder if this ability to let go so easily is at times not in my best interest?

 

Maybe so, maybe no.

 

I think it might have something to do with the person's attachment style as well. I'm anxious/avoidant/ambivalent. I cling and push away at the same time. Same thing happens with my mother. I am angry with her. I hate her, sometimes. But I can't cut her off, even if it would be healthier for me.

 

I also have the ability to tolerate a lot of crap/abuse/emotional ups and downs because I grew up in an abusive environment. What I tolerate, most people would find intolerable immediately. I can slog through it, though. I always have.

[Touche]

a4a, you need to start another thread: The Art of letting go of Art

[Art_Critic]

a4a' date=' you need to start another thread: The Art of letting go of Art [/quote']

 

 

Well Touche'.. If my past history has any weight in the matter then it wouldn't be much of an Art form.. They seem to let go of me rather quickly..

 

I never get any stalkers..

[lindya]

I also have the ability to tolerate a lot of crap/abuse/emotional ups and downs because I grew up in an abusive environment. What I tolerate, most people would find intolerable immediately. I can slog through it, though. I always have.

 

My ex told me, when we were splitting up, that my only strength lay in my ability to tolerate other people's crap. That was one hell of a wake up call for me, I can tell you!

[bluechocolate]

However I have to wonder if this ability to let go so easily is at times not in my best interest?

 

If it has served you well, then why wouldn't it be? Do you have any regrets? Does this strategy (for want of a better word) permeate into other areas of your life? I know it does for mine. I seem to find it easy to walk away from friendships & family relationships as well as I've long held the belief that blood is not thicker than water. I would like to add however that I think I can be a great friend & am generous to a fault, just don't ever cross me!

[blind_otter]

Well Touche'.. If my past history has any weight in the matter then it wouldn't be much of an Art form.. They seem to let go of me rather quickly..

 

I never get any stalkers..

 

Doooooon't look out your windoooooooow!

[bluechocolate]

My ex told me, when we were splitting up, that my only strength lay in my ability to tolerate other people's crap. That was one hell of a wake up call for me, I can tell you!

------------------------

ouch!

[Touche]

Well Touche'.. If my past history has any weight in the matter then it wouldn't be much of an Art form.. They seem to let go of me rather quickly..

 

I never get any stalkers..

 

That was funny! You WANT to have a stalker?

 

And see, that's the art here. They make it look like it's easy to let you go but in reality it's extremely difficult to let go of you. That's where the "art" of letting Art go comes in!

[Outcast]

There is this odd feeling of that comes over me when I realize attempts to stay in a R are futile. It is an odd feeling, almost like a sinking feeling then with great rush of freedom following.... very odd.

 

I don't think it's odd. My 'endings' have been fairly clean and trouble-free when I realized that I loved people who didn't exist. That I had attributed better qualities to them than really existed. Finding someone you believe to be honest is a chronic liar will kill 'that lovin' feeling' mighty fast in my experience. I think the people who hang on are ones who continue to believe their SOs are 'perfect' and therefore it must be themselves to blame.

 

I also think BO has it with attachment styles. There's a lot of psych behind who you get attached to and how.

[a4a]

However I have to wonder if this ability to let go so easily is at times not in my best interest?

 

If it has served you well, then why wouldn't it be? Do you have any regrets? Does this strategy (for want of a better word) permeate into other areas of your life? I know it does for mine. I seem to find it easy to walk away from friendships & family relationships as well as I've long held the belief that blood is not thicker than water. I would like to add however that I think I can be a great friend & am generous to a fault, just don't ever cross me!

 

I think it does serve me quite well. No regrets of letting go of any person. I will not allow negative people into my life for long, regardless if they are family or friends.

 

But the down side to this is once that door is shut I have no desire to even have them in my life nor myself in their life. No hate, no love, no real wondering about them, I do not miss them at all. I have to think that I may be missing out on something because it is rather easy for me to shut a door and perhaps I do not allow them a chance to renegotiate the relationship..... but honestly I just do not have the interest to even enter negotiations

[bluechocolate]

I will not allow negative people into my life for long, regardless if they are family or friends.

I'm exactly the same on that front.

 

But the down side to this is once that door is shut I have no desire to even have them in my life nor myself in their life. No hate, no love, no real wondering about them, I do not miss them at all.

 

Yep - pretty much the same there too - emotionally apathetic. Which is why I have a hard time dealing with the whole exe's being friends thing. Why? Why bother? Plenty of other people out there to make friends with who won't carry a lot of baggage around with them in your new 'platonic' relationship. I have never gone back to a previous relationship & cannot count among any of my friends an ex-lover.

[a4a]

[quote=bluechocolate

Yep - pretty much the same there too - emotionally apathetic. Which is why I have a hard time dealing with the whole exe's being friends thing. Why? Why bother? Plenty of other people out there to make friends with who won't carry a lot of baggage around with them in your new 'platonic' relationship. I have never gone back to a previous relationship & cannot count among any of my friends an ex-lover.

 

I so agree with this and describes me to a T.

I do not need the F-ing BS drama of dragging a past relation into a new one nor do I want to deal with a new relationship where they do it to me.

[bluechocolate]

Just an aside:

 

Is "emotionally apathetic" (something I've written 3 times now!) a tautology? Is it possible to be apathetic any other way than emotionally?

[Becoming]

I had a stalker once, Art, in the form of a devoted student who was creepy. Saw her (not a him) at a conference I was doing where she'd travelled to get there (how she even found out, I don't know), but at the reception afterwards, I chatted with her.

 

At which point my teenager said to me, "Mom, it's a general rule that you're not supposed to encourage your stalker by talking to them." :laugh:

 

I tell the story because I was the one having trouble of letting go of the idea that at least someone thought I had something to offer/give, etc.

 

It's like Otter said, I think we're working out attachment issues from long ago. Those like a4a and OC who can just move on probably don't have to work through those issues. They know who they are, what is/is not acceptable to them (unlike some of the rest of us), and what they require. They trust themselves and their perceptions. They seem to assess other people realistically.

 

I think OC is right: we do have a tendency to idealize and excuse because we're still like 2-year-olds in the wish-fulfillment stage--if I just wish it hard enough, it'll come true. Nope. It won't. Move on. That's the only art I've ever managed to it, but it's stick figures at best.

[a4a]

Just an aside:

 

Is "emotionally apathetic" (something I've written 3 times now!) a tautology? Is it possible to be apathetic any other way than emotionally?

 

I would classify it as Kattywampus in general.

 

a4a- blah blah blah

[bluechocolate]

I would classify it as Kattywampus in general.

 

katharevousa followed by katydid

 

No Kattywampus in my Oxford English Dictionary.

 

Please define.

[a4a]

 

It's like Otter said, I think we're working out attachment issues from long ago. Those like a4a and OC who can just move on probably don't have to work through those issues. They know who they are, what is/is not acceptable to them (unlike some of the rest of us), and what they require. They trust themselves and their perceptions. They seem to assess other people realistically.

 

I think OC is right: we do have a tendency to idealize and excuse because we're still like 2-year-olds in the wish-fulfillment stage--if I just wish it hard enough, it'll come true. Nope. It won't. Move on. That's the only art I've ever managed to it, but it's stick figures at best.

 

Interesting points from the other side!!

 

if I just wish it hard enough, it'll come true.

Funny that is almost exactly what I say to myself but in a different form: No matter how much I wish it was true, it is not going to happen.

 

Don't get me wrong I can tolerate some crap, but once I have concluded enough is enough and it is not what I want or need in my life......the door slams and is locked and the key chucked into the great ocean of "I just don't give a fruck".

 

They seem to assess other people realistically.

 

I certainly will not speak for OC. But I am aware of what my needs and desires are out of a relationship and come to realize that if I am not willing to accept what is offered and I cannot expect the person to change ...... it is only logical to let go of that relationship for the good of both parties.