Want To End Affair-Not Sure How

[pkjazz]

I don't know if anyone else has been in the situation with which I am now faced. Needless to say, it's been a rough month or so for my wife and I, and I guess one could say that I am the most to blame.

 

My wife and I have been experiencing marital problems for the better part of the past two years. We both felt at different times that the other did not love or care for us. I suppose that's how the infidelity got started. My saga began about two months ago with a woman I met at work. At first, we were simply friends. We lived in the same city and before long, she began giving me rides home from work. Although she expressed to me that problems she'd experienced in life, I found it hard to open up to her at first. Yes I needed to talk, but I didn't feel right opening my mouth to nearly a perfect stranger even though it seemed we connected on almost every level. However, as time passed and I became more comfortable with this person, I opened up and began expressing to her the problems my wife and I were experiencing. I told her of my feelings of inadequacy, and the fact that what my wife would say to me would cause me to question the kind of person I was.

 

From that point, it seemed our relationship became more intimate by the day. She began flirting with me innocently, and I enjoyed the attention. I had always asked myself if anyone but my wife (who told me she no longer desired me or found me attractive) would fine me desireable. I think my need to have this question answered somewhat fueled my decision to allow this woman's advances to continue. Besides, I thoroughly enjoyed the attention. I forgot what it felt like for someone to pay attention to me and take genuine interest in my feelings. The connection for me was intoxicating.

 

From there, and without going into great detail, the affair began. Now, a little more than two months later I am faced with a dilemma. After moving in with the OW, I recently moved back home with my wife and two children. I could not take the regret and guilt I felt due to what I was doing. I left the OW's home one Friday afternoon, my wife took me back with open arms, and I thought I could finally put that chapter of my life behind me. My wife expressed to me that she was finally ready to give her all to making our marriage work. She treated me with kindness, love and consideration. She let me cry on her shoulder during the initial phases of the withdrawal period, even though she knew I was in mourning for another woman. I vowed that I would not have contact with OW for the rest of my life. Naturally, this was easier said than done.

 

Now, I am faced with the dilemma of struggling with letting the OW go. We re-initiated contact about a week ago, and my wife found out when she saw restaurant receipts from when the OW and I went to dinner. We've been having contact (physical at times as well) since then. I desperately want to end the relationship with the OW and focus 100% of my efforts on making my marriage what it should be. However, I find that I do not have the strength to finally let her go. Perhaps it is an addiction? Could I be treating my relationship with her like some sort of drug? I do realize that in order for my marriage/family to progress, I must put her behind me.

 

This past weekend, she called me and told me that she would be stepping back to allow me time to work through things with my wife. Honestly, I was actually relieved. The decision had been made for me. I turned off my cell phone, and actually felt like I could get through the day without crying. I turned my phone on later that evening and found voice/text messages from her. We contacted each other, and I went to her house for a few hours that night. Needless to say, this put me back to square one.

 

Has anyone been struggling with this problem? Is there anyone who can offer assistance or advice? I want to do the right thing. But as the saying goes, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". Please help!

[Mz. Pixie]

Is the OW married?

 

The first real thing you can do to end the affair is just to stop. Stop calling her. Change your numbers.......quit your job........whatever you have to do to ensure that there is no contact.

 

If the OW is married then I suggest exposing the affair to her spouse. That should throw cold water on it very quick.

 

Don't say you can't do these things- because if you really want to save your marriage you can do them.

 

Just so you know I'm not bashing you having not been in your shoes- I have been in your shoes- and I just stopped- cold turkey. It was hard but I got through it.

 

I also suggest marriage counseling for you and your wife. It's a must!

[Ladyjane14]

I found receipts for a dinner he paid for with her tonight. When I showed them to him, it took him a bit to confess. He talked to her on the phone on Monday, saw her on Tuesday and went out to eat with her today. He wants to be friends with her...and yes, he was planning on going to the movies with her on Friday

 

We re-initiated contact about a week ago, and my wife found out when she saw restaurant receipts from when the OW and I went to dinner. We've been having contact (physical at times as well) since then.

 

These are two very similar posts.

 

I have to tell you...after tomorrow, I'm out of here for a couple of weeks, and that's probably a pretty good thing too. Rarely have I ever been so indignant on the behalf of a stranger as I was this morning when I read MakeItStop's latest post. My language didn't do justice to my moniker and was in fact quite unladylike. The similarities here are uncanny though.

 

I took another look at my post to you on your previous thread from last year, and I remember feeling very sympathetic to your situation at the time. Now, I have to ask you....

 

Are you MakeItStop's husband???

[greenshift]

Man -

 

Prolog:

This is going to be a long post. I hope you read it, and take it to heart, but at the end of the day you, and you alone, are responsible for your actions. No doubt some of comments will make you indignant, defensive, and angry - I'm sorry. Having been on both sides of this arrangement, though, I feel uniquely (yeah, right) qualified to comment, no matter how unjustified that may be.

 

Here's the deal: you and your wife are both good guys, fighting different sides of the same battle. She really, truly loves you - and, after all the s*** you've put her through over the past few months, that should tell you quite a bit about her character. If you want to know what I think about this whole situation, you can read her thread, as I sincerely hope you have or will.

 

You're enamored with this OW. You connect with her, you have wonderful sex, she makes you feel like a teenager. That's great. It's also not real. You've never had an argument. You've never had to decide who was going to pick up the kids from school, or how to pay the electric bill. You've never stood back to back, the two of you against the world, and failed or come out on top.

 

And that has some side-effects. Your relationship with the OW is idealized - you don't know how she'll behave once your marriage is dissolved and real life intrudes. You don't know what'll happen if you have money problems (this happens to almost everyone at one time or another), or you'r having a bad day, or she is - or in almost any situation where you are focused on anything other than you and her and what you're going to do about your wife.

 

The OW is an escape. She's an escape from the fact that you're an adult, that you're disillusioned with your wife and your marriage (this HAPPENS. It also PASSES), that you have kids whom you love but probably aren't always sure how to handle. She's an escape from the fact that you're a kid inside, and you're scared of the world.

 

You don't want to hurt her. As far as you can tell, she's done nothing but make you feel good. You think of her as a friend, as someone whom you could have had a great life with, if only.

 

But, the kicker is: none of it is real. If you pursue a relationship with her (and, I'll say the same thing to you that I wish I could say to myself six years ago : WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?) you will, beyond the shadow of a doubt have the same problems with her that you are having with your wife.

 

Because, despite it all, the problems aren't just about your wife, or your kids, or your job, or the fact that life isn't working out like you planned, or hoped. They are a function of your demonstrated inability to recognize that it is up to YOU, and no one else, to make your life better - by fixing it, by focusing on your marriage and family, by doing whatever is necessary.

 

Your wife has seen your ups and downs. She knows how you breathe when you're having a nightmare, what you like to wear when you're going out at night, what colors look best on you. She knows your eight different kinds of smiles, which ones are real and which ones aren't. She knows you, probably better than you know yourself.

 

And, despite it all, despite your inevitable human fallacies and shortcomings (we ALL have them), she still wants you. How, HOW, could you turn your back on that?

 

I know you don't want to hurt the OW. I know you're hurting, too, and you feel responsible for this entire situation.

 

And, truth be told, you ARE.

 

Because the right answer, two months ago, was to talk to your wife, tell her what you were feeling, and get help, work on things. Go for a walk, tell her that you were thinking of having an affair, at least that you were tempted, and tell her how much you were hurting, and how alone you felt.

 

Jazz, whatever your name may be, I know how hard this is. I know that you feel like you're standing at a crossroads and one side is pulling you oh-so-hard, and you know that way is wrong. But, it's very, very tempting.

 

You can not do this to her. It's bad now. It's going to be bad for awhile. If you tell the OW, as I pray you will, to leave you alone, and just STOP TALKING TO HER (it gets easier every day), it's still not going to be easy, and there are no guarantees. But, there are none either way.

 

You have a wonderful, passionate, caring woman. The mother of your children, with whom once you envisioned growing old together, having the grandkids over for Christmas. Someone who loves you, even now, despite everythiing.

 

Please, don't let that go. Don't.

 

The world sucks. Every now and then, just ONCE in a while, we have to have a happy ending. People die every day for stupid reasons. People cheat for stupid reasons. You have an opportunity here to make things right. You owe it to yourself to do the right thing. Let the OW go. She will be okay. She will move on. And I know you don't want to think "It's not my problem" - that seems cold, heartless. And as much as I'd like to tell you to tell her to go to hell, that would be cold. All three of you have feelings, but, at the end of the day,

 

Your wife, and your children are more important.

 

And you CAN NOT have both.

 

Make a call, right now. Decide to fix your marriage, and be a father to your children in an unbroken home. Be strong. Be a man.

 

Make it work.

 

Please, please don't screw this up. There is nothing more sacred than the bond between two people that makes us accept pain from another because their happiness is more important to us than our own. Recognize what you have - you will never find its like again.

[pkjazz]

It seems as though I am actually. While I am not too sure of my wife's screen name, I have read the post, and it seems like that's the case. It looks like we both need advice for various reasons.

[whichwayisup]

Pkjazz.

 

You love your wife, you've been given a second chance! She welcomed you home with open arms, loved you and let you cry on her shoulder... Yet, now you are still with the OW? Soon you have to decide WHO you want. Its' unfair now to both women. Your wife loves you and is willing to go to marriage counselling and work on things, as long as you end it completely with the OW forever. Your children need you too.

 

IF you can't do that, then end it with your wife, work out some arrangement to see your kids and move in with the OW. Right now what you are doing is not nice for anybody. And you're screwing yourself up even more by letting your emotions for the OW take over.

 

Do you love the OW? Enough to end your life as you know it, give it all up for her and start over? If so, then do it. IF not, then say goodbye forever...

 

Does the OW have a spouse? If so, and you are willing to really make sure it stays over, TELL her husband/boyfriend about you two. That way there will be no more contact.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[greenshift]

The reasons are that you're both unsure how to proceed, and you're both so unsure of your relationship (understandably) at the moment that you can't talk to each other.

 

This, my friend, is that for which counselling was invented. But, counselling is expensive, I know.

 

Jazz, I've said my peace, but let me leave you with this: you have an opportunity here that I, among others, would kill for. I may be over-empathizing, making unjustified assumptions, and projecting on a scale beyond imagination (well, *I* can imagine it, so maybe not).

 

Please trust me on this: the OW is a symptom of your problems - she is not the cure. You and your wife will always be involved in each others' lives, because of your children, if nothing else. You owe it to yourself, and to her and your kids, to do everything possible to salvage your marriage.

 

I know it's hard. If I were talking to her right now, I'd tell her to pack your stuff and tell you to get out. (Actually, I *did* say that earlier today). But, from your point of view, you can save this.

 

The beauty of this is that you don't have to do anything - you just have to stop doing something - namely, talking to your mistress.

 

Your wife can help you through this. She knows your scared, and hurt, and confused. But, she is still your wife, your partner, and your best friend.

 

This can work. It can be not only *okay*, but fantastic if you try, just a little bit.

 

Good luck.

[pkjazz]

Hey Greenshift,

 

You make a lot of good points. And although a lot of what you said was hard to hear, I know that you are 100% right in what you are saying. If the truth be told, I do realize the fact that my wife is trying to make things work. Honestly, I don't know of another woman who would put up with what I've put her through. She's truly an amazing woman, though I probably don't tell her as much as I should.

 

I've been thinking alot today of the decision I must ultimately make. Last weekend, it was my decision to come home and try and make things work with my family. Needless to say, I have done a bang up job of trying since I've been back. Because of my inability to let the OW go, I've delayed not only my family's healing, but my own as well. Honestly, there were times when I felt like I had the strength to do what was necessary. Other times, I wasn't so sure. Mostly, this uncertainty came after having a certain amount of contact with OW. I see now how it set me back to square one. I saw the way I acted toward my wife after contact with OW. It was almost as if I were in a movie, watching myself act certain way but unable to stop whta I was doing or saying.

 

My wife and I have agreed that this coming Sunday be the day everything goes down. We're moving to a different city, and it is the perfect time for me to end things so we can start fresh. I desperately want this so badly. Over the past few weeks, and with my wife's help, I have seen glimpses of what my marriage/family can truly accomplish. Although sometimes the potential we have seems so far away, I desperately want to experience that.

 

Thanks for the insights- you really gave me a lot to think about.

 

~Pkjazz

[whichwayisup]

Think of the OW right now as a cancer to your life. The only way to survive it is to cut it out. Meaning, getting rid of the OW completely so you and your wife can heal together and work on the marriage. Atleast give it a chance to grow again and your wife can trust you again.

 

Please read Thumbingmyway's posts. (If you do a search, the thread is called One Big Lie) There are afew things I think you could learn from his experience as his wife cheated on him, then continued to have an affair WHILE they were fixing the marriage. Maybe seeing it from HIS perspective could help you and see what you're doing to your wife.

 

It isn't possible for you to fix your marriage and give your heart to your wife while you're still emotionally attached/involved with the OW.

 

By moving, what is that to accomplish though? I don't mean to sound rude, but distance isn't going to FIX anything because of emails/phones, text messaging etc. YOU have to NOT give her any info about you once you move! If you do, the marriage won't survive and your wife WILL kick you out.

 

Good luck though, I hope you make a decision of who it is you want to be with.

[pkjazz]

Whichway,

 

I've asked myself a million times if I actually "love" the OW in the truest sense of the word. I mean, she teolls me she loves me and cares for me deeply, but I honestly just do not see how that could be. She was hired at my job in the latter part of December of last year (fortunately, my employer let her go shortly there after) and our affair began not too long after she was hired. The question I keep asking myself is, how can she truly love me. We really don't even know each other that well. Yes, we have been intimate, yes we've made some memories, but how can she truly love me in such a short time?

 

I must admit that I have told her that I love her as well. Yet, deep inside my heart, I think what I feel for her is nothing more than strong "like". Not truly a love that has been tested through trial and tribulation. And no, I do not care enough for the OW to end things once and for all with my wife. I already tried to do that once, and my conscience would not let me gain any peace. I moved in with OW for a short time and was completely horrified. I knew that what I was doing was so horribly wrong. Yet, I had made a decison and did not wantto give the impression that I was a wishy-washy human being without the ability to make up my mind concerning what I really wanted to do. I felt trapped and unable to change the path I had chosen. My wife called me many times during that period, pleading wth me to come home. Although I wanted to so very badly, I felt I had to make a decision and stick with it. I guess sometimes perception is not always reality.

 

I know that in order to begin the process of making my marriage what it should be, I do have to say goodbye forever. Although that is an extremely hard piill to swallow, I know there is no other alternative.

 

~Pkjazz

[greenshift]

I'm glad you're seeing the light.

 

I choose to believe you are, at heart, a good guy. And I have seen, from the glimpse of the struggle that your wife is going through that she has chosen to share with us, that she is compassionate, scared, and so totally in love you it's scarey. She's also afraid of loosing her life has she knows it. [Thank you, REM.]

 

Here's my final bit of advice for the evening, again something I wish I could have told myself during my affair, and my now-ex-wife during hers:

 

You are going to have moments, over the next week, and long after, when you want, more than anything, to talk to the OW. She'll call, you'll see her at work(?), you'll have a few minutes to yourself at lunch or on the drive home. In these moments, your mind is going to tell you that everything SUCKS, that all you need to feel better is to talk to her, to see her, to see if she's okay, to tell her you're okay, to make each other feel better.

 

Remember two things:

 

1. In an hour, you'll feel better. Not completely better, but enough so that you don't have to talk to her.

2. If you talk to her, you hurt your family, and ultimately, yourself.

 

Please, please stop talking to her. If you want to talk to her, call your wife, and tell her what you're feeling. Tell her why you wish to speak to the OW, if you can - and if you can't, just tell her that you're hurting.

 

It's going to be hard on you, and her. But, Jazz, although I understand that moving day this weekend is a good day to end things, the right time is NOW, this moment, because putting it off is just asking for 'one more hit' and, if you're very unlucky, it could be the straw that kills your marriage.

 

Man, I'd say you can call ME. I'm a stranger, but I feel what you're going through and, like I said, I want a happy ending. I want *someone* to have one.

 

You love your wife. She loves you, more than anything. Trust her. Let her help you. You know what you have. Don't waste it on the OW - it's not worth it.

 

You are what you choose to be.

 

You ARE, what you DO, when IT COUNTS.

 

Right now, Jazz, it counts. You'll never fight in another war, have to choose between someone else's life and your own, or that of your kids. You'll never have to decide between throwing yourself into a volcano or watching a bunch of innocent kids get slaughtered. You'll probably never have a big-budget-action-movie this-is-what-I-am-made-of-moment:

 

That is, after this one. Because, this is it: This is the moment when you get to show your wife, and the world, what you're made of.

 

I hope you can do this. I believe that you can. I would give you my strength and resolve if I could. But, it's up to you.

 

You ARE strong enough, if you choose to be.

 

Good luck.u

[pkjazz]

Which Way,

 

I see your point concerning not telling the OW where I'll be moving. My apologies if I gave the impression that I'm using the fact that my wife and I are moving as sort of a "crutch" to try and end the relatioship with OW. Subconsciously, I see this move as sort of a new beginning. I WILL NOT be gining any information to the OW about my new address or where I'll be moving to, and I DO intend to tell her before hand that our relationship can no longer happen, and that we cannot have any contact with each other ever again. I'll do whatever is necessary to make that happen. Change my phone number, block her number, change email addresses, etc. I'll even find a new job if it comes down to that.

 

The bottom line is, I think my family's relocation is giving me a certain measure of strength to be able to finally put this part of my life behind me.

 

I'll definately check out the thread you recommended.

Thanks for the insight.

~Pkjazz

[whichwayisup]

Nice post Greenshift!

 

PK, I think you're in lust/like and a huge sexual attraction. It's new, different and exciting. Something your wife isn't and that is what you enjoy, how this woman makes you FEEL. That ain't love. Deep down inside YOU know it isn't real true love.

 

Love is more than just a feeling. It's a way of bonding, building a life, creating children, having good and bad stuff happen yet still survive WITH your spouse by your side.

Remember her family too, not just yours. How intertwined everybody is, friends, neighbours...

 

Is that OW part of that? No. Does that OW get to experience that bad and s***ty stuff in your life? My guess is no. Does she know how you get if you've had a bad day? Does she look after you when you're sick or just feeling blah? NO, ofcourse not. Your wife does though! She knows all the in's and out's of you and what you like/dislike, what makes you tick. The good, the bad and the ugly. The OW doesn't.

 

See the difference. So, when those intense feelings fade for the OW, you'll wake up one day and realize WTF AM I DOING!!!!!! And it will be too late. So, really think long and hard about what you're about to give up. Every time you talk to the OW, you're closer to losing EVERYTHING that you will regret losing one day.

 

I say this because I've read SO many posts here. I have some insight through other people's stories and lives, what happened to them and the outcomes of each person. Some work out, some don't.

 

Right now the ball is in YOUR court, remember that.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but you need that fire lit under the a$$ to see what's around the corner!

[whichwayisup]

Which Way,

 

I see your point concerning not telling the OW where I'll be moving. My apologies if I gave the impression that I'm using the fact that my wife and I are moving as sort of a "crutch" to try and end the relatioship with OW. Subconsciously, I see this move as sort of a new beginning. I WILL NOT be gining any information to the OW about my new address or where I'll be moving to, and I DO intend to tell her before hand that our relationship can no longer happen, and that we cannot have any contact with each other ever again. I'll do whatever is necessary to make that happen. Change my phone number, block her number, change email addresses, etc. I'll even find a new job if it comes down to that.

 

The bottom line is, I think my family's relocation is giving me a certain measure of strength to be able to finally put this part of my life behind me.

 

I'll definately check out the thread you recommended.

Thanks for the insight.

~Pkjazz

 

You're welcome. And I"m glad you're seeing things abit differently now. Keep on doing that!!

 

Though, I have to ask, you didn't say if she did or not, but the OW...IS she married?

[greenshift]

WhichWay -

 

I'm assuming that, since he moved in with the OW for a brief period, that she's not married. If I could assume her POV for a moment, I'd say that may be part of the problem. She recognizes in Jazz someone that has committed to a wife and a family, and she's jealous, and afraid that she'll never have that. So, she, consciously or otherwise, decided to take it.

 

That Jazz lets himself be pushed around (sorry, bud - I did the same thing for many years, and it's not easy to hear), and that they got along and had a mutual attraction, made him a good target for her.

 

Now, I'm *really* going to bed.

 

Seriously. I mean it.

[Ladyjane14]

My wife and I have agreed that this coming Sunday be the day everything goes down. We're moving to a different city, and it is the perfect time for me to end things so we can start fresh. I desperately want this so badly. Over the past few weeks, and with my wife's help, I have seen glimpses of what my marriage/family can truly accomplish. Although sometimes the potential we have seems so far away, I desperately want to experience that.

 

If you are willing to continue contact with the OW until Sunday....with full knowlege of the emotional pain it brings to your wife....then I truly believe she ought to leave you. That's tantamount to twisting her arm behind her back and holding it there for FIVE DAYS. It's wrong. And it says something about your character that is selfish beyond repair.

 

I can't quite wrap my mind around how you can look into your wife's face, see the pain your actions are inflicting, kiss your babies on their sleeping faces....and then go out and have sexual relations with an OW. How is that done? It's not as if you don't know that your wife is home crying herself into a puddle on the floor.

 

Greenshift is right. It's time for you to grow up. I don't know what kind of model you had for manhood, but let me share with you what I learned from my father and others like him....

 

A MAN protects his family. He stands between his hearth and home as a defender against all invaders. He is a constant guard, and even should his wife abandon him....he goes on in service to his children. His family is his ONLY earthly immortality, and he will make whatever sacrifices necessary in their defence. He will stand between them and a world that is often violently cruel, until they are able to stand for themselves.

 

I believe that there's only one immediate difference in ending contact with the OW today and doing it on Sunday. The ONLY difference is the amount of pain you cause to your wife. There is a cost to the amount of hurt and resentment you inflict on her. That "cost" is represented in the loss of love. Imagine the love available to you as if it were stored within her, measured in units of exchange. The well is not perpetually full. She is not God. She has human limitations. You can't keep drawing indefinately from her love supply without eventually draining the well.

 

And quite frankly, if you can't end contact with the OW today, I think you're in danger of causing more damage than can ever be repaired. Because if you can't end it today, I don't think you'll be willing to end it at all....until long past the time when it's too late.

 

It's as simple as sending an email:

 

"Dear OW...my previous involvement with you was a mistake that I now regret as it has caused considerable difficulties in my marriage. My wife and my family are my priority now and in the future. For this reason, it is necessary that I end any and all contact with you at this time so that I may recommit my effort to my marriage.

 

I regret any difficulties that I may have caused for you, but ask that you respect this decision. I consider it to be a permanent one and will not respond to any attempted contact from you. ....Sincerely, pkjazz"

[Mz. Pixie]

If you're wanting to just set a date to break contact, and in the meantime continue to sleep with OW- what you're really telling your wife is that she's not worth- your marriage is not worth- your kids are not worth- you stopping contact with her right now.

 

This is like beating your children and then telling them, well next week I'll stop kids- cheer up!

 

I cannot possibly imagine how in the world your wife is putting up with that. The amount of disrespect that conveys is unbelievable.

[Ladyjane14]

I've got one more comment for you...because it's weighing on my mind so....

 

I told you earlier that it was the men in my family who taught me what being a man is all about. But I didn't tell you about the old southern women who taught me what being a woman means. And I think it's important so that you can give some thought as to why it's a valuable thing to have a good woman at your side.

 

A woman nurtures the human garden around her. She takes physical care of the people that she loves, she teaches and trains the young ones, feeds their bodies and their minds. She is the last defense of the family. As her man tends to the protection of his family, she's at his back...protecting him. And if her man falters or falls....she takes up his cross and marches on.

 

You know, my great-great-great grandmother stood between her husband and the Union soldiers who had come to kill him back during the Civil War. He was down with pnuemonia and defenseless at the time. She took a stand between him and his enemies, a woman with only her children in attendance. The soldiers weren't willing to kill her in order to get at him, and so settled at looting and burning the farm. But her family survived...and here am I, six generations removed and still witness to her courage.

 

People are capable of extraordinary things. But it takes courage to get them done.

 

It's a matter of choice really when you get right down to it. Even when the path is at it's most difficult, the choice to stand in conviction on your beliefs is available to you....all that's necessary is to choose firmly.

[RecordProducer]

Ladyjane, that was a very nice story of the courage of your great-great-great-grandmother. So they had children after that happening? I mean, if her husband didn't survive that day, would you have existed? (Just curious as to how a brave gesture can change the whole family tree).

 

Anyway, back to the thread... The thread starter admitted that he IS Makeitstop's husband. So now we have both sides of the story. She told him she no longer desired him or found him attractive - hence the extra amount of her compassion and understanding for his affair. They also had problems most of the time. I think she is not really passionately in love with her husband. I think she just loves him as a person and wants to keep him at home. It's more important for her to keep him than punish him for his infidelity or make him fall in love with her again. I believe that her expectations of this marriage differ from most of us want.

 

Pkjazz loves the other woman and is obviously hesitant about which woman to pick so Makeitstop hopes that it will be HER. No matter what we think, that's her decision and obviously we can't persuade her to dump her husband. He, on the other hand, longs for the OW's attention and passionate love - things he's been missing in his marriage. So he left his wife, but the grass was not greener on the OW's side. So he came back home, but is still missing the OW.

 

Obviously things are always more complicated than they seem. This is so disappointing and discouraging. I think of all the advice I've given to people by knowing only one side of the story. I think of how people were wrong in so many different ways about MY case. And how I was wrong about my own case (!!!) calling my husband (who was my BF at the time) an evil liar and whatnot, cuz he got cold feet, until he showed up on LS and proposed to me...

 

But back to the original poster, PKJazz, I think you have to make up your mind ASAP about which woman you will pick. You and your wife would probably benefit from marriage counseling in any case. You already saw that the OW is not quite your match. So either be faithful to your wife or get divorced, move on, and let her move on too. Because this is torture for her. Your feelings are feelings, you can't control them and after all, you're entitled to having them, but you don't have to create misery in your family because you have a problem with deciding which woman you want to sleep with!

[pkjazz]

Whichway,

 

No, the OW is not married. In fact, according to her, she hasn't been in a serious relationship for eight years. ( did I mention that she's 11 years older than me.) I've often wondered if the fact that she has not had a serious relationship for that length of time has something to do with why she is clinging so viciously to me. I've tried to put the thought out of my mind but I cannot shake the fact that she is after me simply because she enjoys how it "feels" to have a man. I guess this is one thing that gives me pause.

 

Not to answer two posts at the same time, but I think Greenshift if right. She told me once that she said to herself that she had to "teach his wife a lesson". I'm not sure if she was jealous. (if she was, she didn't relay that to me) I do know that she was bothered by the way my wife was relating to me. I suppose she felt she could do a better job, which is why she pursued me in the first place.

 

I think it was my vulnerability that made me a target for her. The more I think about it, the more I realize that to be true. Not only that, but the fact that she was so easy to talk to, and she made herself so available to me. I mean. . .I've told another good friend of mine who just so happens to be a coworker about my situation. She's around the same age as OW, she's not married. Yet, I never had an attraction to her, and she never pursued me as far as any type of serious relationship was concerned. I've often asked myself what it was about the OW that attracted me so intensely to her. I'm not sure I've really found an answer for that.

 

~PK

[pkjazz]

Ladyjane,

 

You know. . and pardon me if this is a bit harsh, but I find your narrow-minded view of this situation uphauling. First off, please consider the fact that my wife and I did not have a "rosey" picture perfect marriage to begin with. While I do not in any way make excuses for my actions, I believe you should try and gain a little more knowledge of the ENTIRE situation before spitting venom in my direction. You have no right to insult my manhood, or how I was raised. (These types of posts are the very reason I stopped posting to LoveShack to begin with) Your response is downright cruel. There are ways of getting your point across without sounding harsh and insensitive, which I must say, you do an excellent job of doing here.

 

I am expressing myself on this sight speifically because I am trying to gain strength. I WANT to do the right thing and end contact with OW once and for all. I am trying to gain support from people who have been in similar situations such as myself so that I can have the strength to be the kind of husband and father my family deserves.

 

I would appreciate a more even keeled, objective response in the future.

 

~Pkjazz

[pkjazz]

Record,

 

I appreciate your reponse greatly. I didn't mean to make LadyJane feel any type of way, but I was offended a little by the tone of her post. Granted, she has a right to get her point across, but in a more polite manner.

 

You hit the nail on the head concerning what I was feeling, and the situations that lead up to this. As I said in another post, I do not use the problems in my marriage as an excuse for what I did. But I do think that should be considered when trying to ascertain the reason WHY I did what I did. I mean. . every man who cheats is not a "DOG". Sometimes, there are underlying reasons why a person cheats. I think those reasons should be considered before passing judgement.

 

I do understand what you are saying concerning needing to make a decision. I know it might be easier if I did it right now. . .today. Yet, making Sunday D-Day is a decision my wife and I made together. I don't think that should be questioned by those who do not have all the facts.

 

~Pkjazz

[Chump64]

Sometimes, there are underlying reasons why a person cheats. I think those reasons should be considered before passing judgement.

 

 

 

There are always underlying reasons why a person cheats. They are hugely varied and there is not one theory that applies to everyone. But the bottom line is that cheating hurts people and it is wrong, if you have made vows to one person with the understanding of monogamy.

 

Fair or not, I think it's safe to say a straying spouse is going to be judged by most people. When you make deliberate choices that end up hurting other people, you open yourself up to judgment, regardless of your own personal history and / or wounds. Everyone has baggage and issues, but not everyone crosses the line to cheat.

[Chump64]

I am expressing myself on this sight speifically because I am trying to gain strength. I WANT to do the right thing and end contact with OW once and for all. I am trying to gain support from people who have been in similar situations such as myself so that I can have the strength to be the kind of husband and father my family deserves.

 

I would appreciate a more even keeled, objective response in the future.

 

 

 

No offense, but this forum is also for betrayed spouses. Some of us can't be very objective. You will find out on this website that you will have to take the good with the bad, when it comes to the responses you get. For example, I am a BS and I was told "something must be wrong with you." It's not all warm fuzzies here.

 

I do think that some of the things your wife has posted about you have also colored some of the perceptions and reactions. But I hope things work out for you two, and that you will do the right thing.

[RecordProducer]

Yet, making Sunday D-Day is a decision my wife and I made together. I don't think that should be questioned by those who do not have all the facts.

... and it shouldn't be questioned by those who do know all the facts either! It's only up to you.

 

I'll try to help you make up your mind without taking anyone's side. If you could think of a perfect scenario, what would it be?

 

1. You'd keep your wife as a wife and the OW as a girlfriend;

 

2. You'd divorce your wife, live on your own, and date the OW or other women;

 

3. You'd find the right woman for you as you think that neither of these two is the right one;

 

4. You'd change your wife's heart and make her love you and desire you passionately, and not fight with you anymore; then you'd never think of another woman again.

 

If your answer is "Not sure" I recommend this trick: write these options (or modify them and add some more) on several identical pieces of paper. Then fold the papers, mix them in a box, and pick one (without knowing what it says). Imagine that it's some higher power (luck) that will decide on your destiny. When you read the piece of paper - see how you feel about that particular decision. Then mix the papers again and do the same until you feel comfortable with the decision you pulled out of the box. If there's only one decision that gives you butterflies - that's what your heart tells you to do.

 

I remember some game when I was a kid where we'd put 3 options regarding some choices (guys we'd marry in the future, cities we'll live in, occupations, etc.) and even though ALL options were chosen by us and were equally good on the first sight, I would feel disappointed when I would see which one I got, and only then I would realize that I actually liked only one of the options I gave.

 

I am always surprised that men don't consider their children's needs (not talking about you though). I, for example, could never abandon my children, no matter how much I want to get out of the marriage. On the other hand, it's not right to deprive them from having a mother every day and request custody.

 

If you decide that your marriage is unrepairable and you don't want to live with your wife and kids anymore, please make sure that you do whatever it takes to provide a happy childhood for them in terms of love, money, attention, affection, support, time, understanding for their mom, etc.

 

You need to make up your mind - not only quickly - but definitely. You can't jump from one woman to another and break their hearts repeatedly. You need to be a man about it. Perhaps you don't know what to DO, but you do know how you FEEL at this point so you should be able to make certain conclusions that will lead to decisions.

 

Making two women wait for you to make up your mind is like driving them with 200 m/hr without seat-belts on. You can't play with their lives. You need to stop and let one (or both) of them go, then slow down, and be committed to the other one (or none).

 

What you can also do is leave and live on your own in order to see how you feel without them. But in this period of time you shouldn't see any of them. You may discover a lot about yourself if you stay on your own.

 

Some men are comfortable with their marriages; the stability and security of it gives them a cozy feeling of a warm refuge. Some, on the other hand, need passion and excitement, and seek a way out by cheating or running away. I don't know which type you belong to, but there is so much that marriage as an institution can offer us. It can't be wild sex every day, Romeo-and-Juliet type of conversations, wives always dressed up and made up, ready for sex, cheerful, carefree, problem-less kind of community.

 

Marriage basically means that two people share a life together; or they join two lives together, if you prefer. All the elements of life you'll find in a marriage: disappointment, anger, insecurity, boredom, loneliness, etc. Your partner can't feel and be 24/7 for 50 years the way they were in the dating phase. It's unfair to compare your wife to your mistress or somebody else's wife (that you know nothing about) or the girl who sells hamburgers and always smiles at you.

 

Revise your expectations from marriage, life, your wife, women overall, yourself... Think about the mistakes you've made in your marriage. Think about how much you have achieved so far, what your personality is like, and what exactly you think you deserve. Be realistic and try to look at your life from above after looking at it from the inside. Think of how you would advise your brother or son about this particular problem.

 

In any case, if you decide to get a divorce, please don't be an ass and make sure that your wife gets all the financial and any other help she can get from you. Many women face serious existential problems when they divorce. They are often left very poor, with no education and no time or money to continue with school, jobless, without friends or family, with little children, accompanied by their emotional disaster. Many of them somehow get back on their feet within a few years and feel even grateful for being dumped, but that's not an excuse for a man and father to arrogantly walk away without looking back.

 

So no matter which decision you bring, please make sure that you act like a moral human being and don't run back to the OW who has everything, while leaving your children crushed and poor like church mice to pick up the leftovers of their broken lives.

 

I've done much of the same that he's done to me. We just have different types of affairs. Mine didn't last but one night. His is a relationship. They both hurt the same.

 

Did your wife cheat on you too in the past, like had one-night stand that you know of?

 

P.S. I noticed that you've been a member since April 2005 while your wife has joined this site a couple months ago. That's very interesting, but has nothing to do with the whole situation.