Not giving up but gave up

[jerbear]

Had a meeting today with an old friend/ex. after 45 days of not meeting in person. 30 days of NC where she broke NC and we started talking like the "old days"

 

She used a mutual friend to get me to a lunch meeting up with her & friend. I am so upset that this has happened. We didn't get our 1-1 heart to heart but I guess I got my answer. Our mutual friend was ok if she and I had lunch together I said no then asked why. She knew about "ex's" issue and didn't know she and I was really apart for 30+ days.

 

Mutual friend said I was pushing her boundaries, giving her confidence to start a business, many things that all her friends and ex's didn't do; including this current one.

 

Her friends said that I've already made my decision by deleting her contacts in my phone, my emails, and her addresses in my car's NAV system. Our mutual friend said it was also timing, he was there when you weren't but for you to get her, I have to corner her to make a decision. either way she loses a guy. Either way her friend suggested I force the move to distance myself and really let her fail emotionally and financially. I told them I still have the contacts but not in the system. It was deleted so I can't accidentally call her during our NC period.

 

After helping our mutual friend I had a short chat with my "ex". We went to her office and walked to get coffee, it was to "friendly" and she was appreciative that I came up to help her. I saw a picture of her supposed "ex" and her in the office and asked, she was aloof and said someone wanted to see what he looked like.

 

Anyway, her best friends and confidantes thought she ended it with him and they don't even consider him her bf; all that he has is sex and good wood working skills, and that she is missing out on losing me. Her inner circle of firends didn't know that she and I had a falling out for over 30 days. All of her girlfriends told her that he is no good for her and that if she loses me, she is missing out big time. What she is getting and getting me is totally different. They say I'm much better than him. In about 5 years, they say I will have abilities and connections that can cancel his contracts without me doing any of the dirty work.

 

AFter the chat, "Ex" / love interest wanted to know when I graduate so she can plan a special party. I said nope, told her the grad date, and said it is a test for her to remember. Our mutual friend wanted to have a party also and said she would want us two together but understands where I'm coming from.

 

After I got home I called her friend (mutual friend) to notify her friend that I'm ending the relationship. She was very surprised that she still kept his picture around. I told her, I have to let her business fail and her life fail. (sic)

 

She is the type that connects with those who in the perverbial sense, white knight. I know the guy's business and it is time to call some favors and call a few people.

 

I'm giving up on the "friendship", surrogate bf, or whatever relationship. It is not I'm giving up, its I gave up.

 

Just wanted to vent. More to come or clarify. But I think the best is to move on, let her work.

[jerbear]

I can't sleep since posting this, really bad. Feels like day one again.

 

It was that picture that upsets me. I have to talk to her tomorrow to end this issue. What bothers me other than sleeping is that even the giving up and gave up. She is still in me. The other issue is she is trying it out with him; after talking to her other friend who intervened without me knowing (even before the issue started over 45 days ago)

 

She wants to go see a show with the guy and she is paying for it. Why do women have sex creates the bond then can't let go even if it is a toxic relationship to them? Really bothers me that she lost control of both of us, regained both of us and has to lie to her friends about the relationship.

 

I guess I'm not making sense but it is really hard right now right when the weather is nice, next week is actually my 2nd exams week. She thinks that calling him while with me would get pass my "scanners" so to speak; would work.

 

Her closests friends say stay because it will really put her into deep thinking mode and potentailly drop him. I said no because it may or have pushed her to him (which is what happened) she has to make those decisions but guess her head is stuck up her a$$ and I can't stick my head in it.

 

Sorry to rant but it is hard to cope right now. I thought I could handle it but couldn't.

[Ariadne]

Ack,

 

Wellll........

 

If she likes you she is going to let you know in some way or another. Women do this. She'll find ways to talk to you etc.

 

That picture thing is strange.

 

Either she is seeing him and lied to you because she didn't want you to feel bad, in that case she doesn't even trust you to tell you the truth.

 

Or she told you the truth, that she just wanted to show the guy, which is not that bad. I know I've done that. As long as it was not in a picture frame or so.

 

So, relax and see what happens.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[jerbear]

Either she is seeing him and lied to you because she didn't want you to feel bad, in that case she doesn't even trust you to tell you the truth.

 

Or she told you the truth, that she just wanted to show the guy, which is not that bad. I know I've done that. As long as it was not in a picture frame or so.

 

Framed picture.

 

She called me to have lunch, she called mutual friend to make sure the lunch included mutual friend, herself, and me. Mutual friend said she was insistent on joining. So who knows what she wants. use me as her safety net, keep me around, enjoys the chase, or enjoys the friendship. Friendship is no longer an option once someone has romantic feelings and the other (her) promises not to cross the line. broke 30 days of NC, I said no to friendship, calls back 2 days later and promises not to cross the line; said no because she will be faking the friendship; calls back week later saying she is having a hard week but wants to meet up. This is the meet up. I have no idea what she wants!!!

 

I could be throwing this out of proportion? Regarding the show she called him to ask him to hang out. I thought she said she & he broke up and her closests friends didn't know about that. I'm sure she doesn't like the idea that her closests girlfriends, her own girlfriends!!!, tell her to let him go, and pursue me. One of her friends said she will talk to her about him again this Saturday because she is not herself and stringing both of us around. Mutual friend said my ex is going down a destructive road. Mutual friend said us two need to talk and that I have to corner her to make a decision.

 

It is hard to relax after seeing the framed picture and hearing her hide her conversation to ask him out to a Celtic Women concert just because it is St. Patrick's weekend. I think she is addicted to the sex and intimacy which I can't get now because I dropped the ball. I wasn't there. Oh well...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Framed picture.

 

Ugh, that sounds bad.

 

I have no idea what she wants!!!

 

Yeah, really. What does she want? Do you think that you are good for business for her? Something to do with your work, connections etc?

 

I'm sure she doesn't like the idea that her closests girlfriends, her own girlfriends!!!, tell her to let him go, and pursue me.

 

Hmm.. Well, as long as her friends are not bs you...

 

But still, pressuring her to "chose you" as they say is not going to work anyway. And if she can be with you but prefers to be with him, that sounds pretty bad too.

 

Boy, your situation is not nice,

 

Ariadne

[jerbear]

The 3 friends, two I've met, are not the BS type; both speak their minds and older than me. One is older than her and she has kids my age. Think of them an opinionated intelligent woman.

 

I work in IT and bailed her out of a few computer issues before in the past. As in her business could not operate. I'm working to get into politics and meeting many high level people above her friends / network. Having a state house majority leader, senators, mayors, governors, controllers, etc... as your professors are pretty good people to know.

 

When she and I first met, I was 25 and she was 35; taking the same classes. She "forced" me to take Adv Acct just so she can have a familiar face. I took it and took her home after class. Now I'm 30 and she is 40 and making connections and getting a MS degree in a totally different area. BS CIS & MGA with Finance Certificate.

 

Two years ago when I pursued her, she didn't return a few of my calls for 2 weeks so I gave up. After the 3rd week she calls out of blue asking for help; I was upset and said this isn't a game and heck no! Call me tomorrow and we'll see. After that I got to sleep in her house. Not many people get to sleep over. So far her nephews, "bf", and me.

 

what I need to do is complete my degree then see what happens but I thought I got over her and apparently I THOUGHT I did.

[riobikini]

Jerbear...your whole life/career is ahead of you....women are not the only 'frog-kissers'...there will certainly be a few 'frogs' for you, too...just be careful about pursuing people who will not integrate well into your future life, -say- 10 years down the road, at least....this woman is 40...you are 30...yes, it could work...but you are still growing in all sorts of ways...I'm not necessarily saying to deliberately miss the experience of being with 'teachers' who can help hone you into a more mature and knowledgeable man, -hey, else you wouldn't grow in some important areas, at all- I am only suggesting that you prepare yourself for these short-lived relationships, if you choose them, and take them only for what they are in their current state and what they can be worth to you...in developing the sort of man who will someday be just the 'right' man for someone just as special as you are...and become......i.e. the 'one'.

 

-Rio

[jerbear]

Very true about frogs... well I will have to drop the hammer and end everything tomorrow.

 

She was manipulative and deceitful recently. She said she didn't pursue a relationship with her ex only to find out she is. Plus she used the mutual friend to get me to help her. Mutual friend was very surprised she got used and that we both got manipulated even when she said we were the two best people to happen in her life during graduate school.

 

The career portion is now choosen, join a three letter govt agency in DC then run for political office.

 

Regardless it is best for me to move on.

[jerbear]

Thank you Adriane and Rio. As always, your posts are always insightful and made me rethink my ways.

 

Tonight and this post made me realize that I have grown and can POSSIBLY avoid frogs, now toads are another thing.

[riobikini]

Jerbear: "...I have grown and can POSSIBLY avoid frogs, now toads are another thing."

 

In voice of cartoon princess, very animated, of course:

 

(Blink!) Toads?

 

And -alas! we live in a world without fairy godmothers, too!

 

Jerbear, what's the world coming to?

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[jerbear]

Just called her and said:

 

After seeing the picture, the distance during the talk, and things I've noticed. I didn't give up but more gave up. I know what I want and will never get it from you. Wish you the best and good bye.

 

Deep down inside I think I figured her out; more than her girlfriends and this relationship has gone toxic for me because she is with him. There is more to it as in but we'll keep it short. She is digging a deep hole with the guy and hiding the relationship, false hopes of him & her, her time of month, nesting, midlife, and what really bothers me was the lying to friends, manipulating a mutual friend to get my attention just in the last week.

[amerikajin]

Jerbear,

 

Here's the deal, man.

 

I think, as it is so often the case with both genders, you saw things the way you wanted to see them. You had hopes, you had dreams...and she snuffed them out.

 

You've got to recognize early on when something is there, and when it isn't. You've got to be able to stand strong on your own, and move on to someone who is going to be more available, emotionally or otherwise.

 

Somewhere along the way there has to be attraction. You can do all the favors in the world for her, and all of her friends can gang up and tell her what a great guy you are and what a jerk the other guy is, and guess what? Nothing's going to change. Women choose, and they choose individually. Dating is not a team sport. A woman dates a guy because she's turned on by him - that's the bottom line. In the end, the niceness, the man's qualities and character will determine how long they will remain together, but in the beginning it's all about attraction and her basic gut level feeling about him. Without attraction, a woman will often pass over guys who would be wonderful husbands; with attraction, a woman will sometimes get hooked on some guy even when she knows deep down inside he's not what she needs.

[jerbear]

amerikajin:

 

the turned on part I understand now. I so missed the boat when I had the chance and blew it. Now only thing is friend bucket and she is madly chasing him.

 

What I have done is gave up and move on. No friendship even thought she came back once. This time I know I will not let it happen again. The turned on part was good when I met her but never made the move and have gotten other chances and didn't make the move. Now it is over. Live and learn.