Again Why does it hurt so much ?

[Ozycowgirl]

I posted this b4 but in the wrong section i think so i have put it in again I'm new to this site i've read many post here and i sit here at my pc and think ...my god that is what i'm going through right now ! I've just found out i'm the OW !!! My god how blind was i to not see the writting on the wall after 10 months. I had no idea I was the OW until 2 weeks ago...you may be saying to yourself how did i not know I was the other women...well i will try and explain to the best i can. I met him 10 months ago at my work it was he that came up to me, i had been single for 6years and to have this charming man sweep me off my feet with just a hello amazed me...I've had men ask me out but there was just something different about this guy. To make a long story as short as i can, we started to see each other alot for the first 3 months it was like almost every day, then as time went on our time together was getting less and less. I had not been to his house as yet cause he said he had a house mate and worked shift work so he did'nt want to bother his house mate ...and i respected that as i worked odd hours myself. Maybe i know i should have seen it then, but love is blind hey !!! so when ever we met it would never be at his place, at first he would take me out in our own home town then he started to take me to the towns around us i thought at first this is nice we are going to different places, but know i know he was hiding me anyway in the off chance he would be seen with me in public. Getting to NOW that i found out he has a GF and has been with her for 10years !!! I say GF cause thats all she is if he has had a GF for 10 years and has not yet married her what does that say? The way i found out about this was a guy where i work saw us togerther and asked how i knew him, i said we are a couple we have been for 10 months, that was when he told me what he knew about this guy. As you could imagin i was in total shock and looking back on the 10 months it came together in that moment of being told about his other life. I need to know am i that stupid in not seeing the writting on the wall or was he just a great lier ? ? The sad thing here is i fell in love with this man i gave him my all. I confronted him about this and he shut down on me he didnt want to talk about it he ignored me for days then all of a sudden when it suited him he watned to talk. And you can guess what he's going to say ...he said he's going to leave her he loves me he wants a life with me, but it's all going to take time they have a house together,,,SO WHAT !!! if thats his only reason for not leaving now well i don't get it....I know this guy is full of BS...Please i need support to get on with my life and stop this hurt i feel like i've had my heart ripped out chewed up and spat out ...He had this big idea i would be ok with this and i would wait ...well no not me i have 2 beautiful children to think about as well as myself. Can anyone out there please advise me on how to move on and get over this lying cheating pig...cause that is how i see him...I can't even express the hurt and pain i feel right now and i know in time it will go away but i need support i need to keep my head together for myslef but most of all my kids. I'm starting a new job in a few weeks and i need to get over this b4 then i don't want to take my personal life into a new job. Thank you for reading this ...

[zarathustra]

Ozy, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand how you feel as I never intended to be an OW either and have been made to feel like one. I had no choice but to learn to pick up the broken peices of my life and learn to get on. I really don't wish this on anyone, not even my crappy xMM (I think I will call him crappy from now on so to remind me of how crappy he treated me).

 

Knowing what you know about this man, do you think you can really believe what he says about leaving his girlfriend/commone law wife? Even if he did, do you think you could trust him, ever? I think you answered a lot of the questions already.

 

In terms of getting over the pain, the pain doesn't just stop because you want it to. It's not something you can wish away. I think that the fact that you are able to feel pain and hurt says that you have the capacity to love someone whole heartedly and fiercely. It may not be something you appreciate at this moment, but its a good thing that you have that capacity in you. In time, you will learn to let go of the hope that you and this man would have a future together. When you can do that, I really think that you will be able to move on.

 

It may be a blessing that you are starting a new job. Usually that entails a learning curve and will demand a lot of your attention. Try to focus on that. Take things day by day. You will get through this.

[Ozycowgirl]

Thank you zarathustra 4 your support and i'm sorry to hear you have gone through the hurt and pain of being the OW as well. I'm sure there are so many of us out there that i would hate to imagin Knowing what i know now about this man there is no way on earth i could ever trust him ever...He can say and tell me till he is blue in the face that he loves me and wants to be with me and he is going to leave her...and even if he told me he has left her i would never take him back i could never forgive him for what he put me through. I would not be able to ever teust him, he would most likley do the same to me in time. I have since found out that he had an affair on his GF 5 years ago and had a child with the OW...it is just getting worse for me the more i find out about his other life. I just can't understand why the GF would even stay with a pig like that. My question to myself now is do i tell her what he has been doing with me ??? does she deserve to know the truth ? if i told her would i be the worst in the world ? would she take it out on me even though he lied to me. If she didnt leave him when he has done this to her in the past and had a child with the op=ther women, what would this mean to her if i told her about this ? is she that silly to stay ?? Do i tell her or not ?

[ww]

What does not kill us it only makes us stronger.

[zarathustra]

Ozy, remember, this is time for you. So ask yourself this question... what is there for you to gain from telling his GF? Would telling her be conductive to your own healing? Why should you be the one doing the dirty work to lead to someone else's pain and sorrow? Would you feel better about yourself if you did that? I don't know what the answers are and only you would know.

[curly]

There are several reasons to tell her and most of them will never add up to any positives for you.

 

1. You tell her because you are so angry at the guy, you want him to suffer like you are now suffering. She's been with him for 10 years, she's already aware of his shortcomings and probably aware that he had the affair 5 years ago. She's forgiven him for her own reasons and she does not have to answer to you or explain those reasons to you. Consequently, they won't break up and you'll be the heavy in the entire drama. She'll villify you and he will call you a stalking freak. Where's the positive for you?

 

2. You tell her and she puts all the pieces together and realizes that she's been a complete idiot and leaves him. However, the drama will more than likely ensue between them for quite some time while he begs her for another chance. Again, what you told her will absolutely get turned around by him. He will tell her unbelievably horrible stories about how psychotic you are, or that you seduced him, stalked him, whatever.... he will turn that story around and you will be the villian once again. In the end, they may or may not be together, but you will not be with him. Where's the positive?

 

3. She leaves him immediately and never returns a single call from him. They never speak again. He will spend a good bit of time trying to get her back, meanwhile keeping you on the back burner telling you that she's gone and good riddance. He "truly" loves you and it was a nightmare with her. She's now dealing with the pain of having her eyes finally opened and picking up the pieces of a life of 10 years (not 6 months) and putting those back into a new life. Very difficult and very painful. Possibly, in a few months, she might get it into her head that maybe what you told her is not exactly the truth. Since you're still with him, he can't be all that bad. Maybe you made the whole thing up. If he's such a jerk that you were compelled to contact her to let her know her BF is such a jerk, what are you still doing with him? Many possible dramas will ensue there..... Where's the positive?

 

The point is this..... where is the positive for you? If he's such a jerk... why do you care? Ahhh, there's the rub - you do care. Just admit it. But you want him to hurt. Sorry, just like you can't make him leave her, you can't make him feel what you feel, whether it's love, pain, compassion, humiliation... it won't happen. You need to walk away with your head held high. If the GF doesn't know about his straying, she will eventually find out. These things usually have a way of seeping out in the end, sometimes MANY years later. It's not your business or place to discuss her BF with her. She's there for reasons that you are not aware of.

 

Just stay away from him and let your heart heal. He is a jerk that lied to you, he will continue to lie to cover his ass to you, to her, to anyone else that lets him get away with it. Just walk away.

[Ozycowgirl]

Hello to everyone that has wrote to me about my situation I would like to say that i've stopped all contact with him, I gave into him and spoke to him about what he has done. I made it very clear that if he continued to contact me and tell me that ...he loves me...Ahhh...that he wants to be with me after living a lie for 10 months with not only myself but with his GF I would let her know (not that i would really cause i had thought long and hard about this and it is not fair on me or the GF it is up to him to deal with his GF. If he wasnt to continue to lie and cheat on her so be it as I've be told ...It's not my palce and i agree 100% I'd have nothing to gain only to feel bad that i would be making another person feel as i am now. And thank you for that advice) I would only be causing pain to the GF that is most likley in love with this man, and i really would not want to hurt anyone in this situation to gain ...WHAT ? Nothing ...! I would'nt be happy that she's hurting I'm not a nasty person and i'm not about to begin to be one. I just want to say THANK YOU so much to everyone that has had there input for me through all this. As zarathustra said to me "It may be a blessing that you are starting a new job. Usually that entails a learning curve and will demand a lot of your attention. Try to focus on that. Take things day by day. You will get through this". I'am going to focus on my new job and my new life I'm doing this for ME...Not him not her but ME ! I'm not saying that i'm not hurting anymore but as i've been told ...ONE DAY AT A TIME ! that's all this takes and i'm strong enough to move on and he happy...I have the support i need with all of you that have taken the time to read my story and give me the advice i needed, i'm not going no where i'm still going to write each day cause this is one of the best ways to let it all out. I know the GF has had 10 years and i've only had 10 months. She knows what he is like, i didnt till now and she has chosen to stay with him after all this time then thats her choice, I've made my choice and that is to walk away. Yes i was lied to by this guy but i'm not the only one that's been lied to and i'm not going to be the last in this kind of situation, other people my fight to keep the relationship going and continue to be the OW and that's their choice they can only deal with thier own situation they feel is best. I'm just happy that i'm not going to go on and on with this lie and have him say another 10 months down the track ...oh i'm staying with her, i would not subject myself to that my hurt and pain and living a lie because that's what it would be ...it would be like living each day not knowing if he still wants you or her, i will never let anyone put me in second place again and the sad thing was i did'nt even know i was the OW ! I will never want or let anyone put in this situation again. The way I look at this situation now is ... It as a chapter in my life that i've learnt from am just glad that for and believe it or not when i say this ...has been a happy ending for me...the reason for me saying this is...because say he left her and we stayed together there is no way on this earth i would be able to trust such a person like him, i would be always thinking to myself when he was not with me ...where is he ?who is he with ? i don't want to live a life like that. The key to a relationship is TRUST !!! So to all you wonderful OW out there Be Strong ! Think really long and hard about whats BEST for YOU in the long run ! ! Could you really 100% trust him if he left his W/GF for YOU ?? I know I could'nt but thats me ....I sit here today knowing what i've done is right I've never cheated on my past partners and i know i did not cheat with this man on his GF .... He misslead both of us. I'm just glad that i had the strength to get out b4 it got worse. I wish the GF all the best i mean that from the bottom of my heart, she is not at fault only he is. He has made his bed he can sleep in it with whom ever he wants cause THIS LITTLE BLACK DUCK WONT BE ! I still have a lot of healing to do don't get me wrong...but i'm taking it day by day. Again thank you to all who relpied to me, and help me get through this. I will keep in touch and take care and good luck. I now hope that i can help others like you have done for me

[movinon05]

I'm so sorry for your pain. He is, at the very least, pond scum. But you're absolutely right in everything you are feeling. Just remember to stay strong should he try to keep coming back and give you phony lies and excuses. You also have 2 children and a new job. Focus on them. Concentrate on the joy already in your life and give yourself time to heal. I know how awful you're feeling. You took a devastating blow. But I know you'll be fine. Stay strong.

 

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

[zarathustra]

Ozy, its great to hear your update. You've got a really good head on your shoulders and headed in the right direction. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!

 

Stay strong.