How should I feel

[shanequa_420]

Hello,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We have been engaged for almost three years out of the five. We are very happy together, but I am feeling a little insecure. He is always looking at other women, but I understand that is just what men do. What my real issue is the fact that he is still keeping in touch with his first love. I am having a very hard time understanding there relationship and why he still cares for her. He is my first love so it makes it that much harder for me to understand why he still wants to know what she is up to. He recently created a my space and that is what started it all. He invited everyone in his yahoo address book and she just happened to be one of them. I confronted him and asked him to take her off of his top ten friends. I told him that every time I see her face it makes me sad and insecure. I don't know why but I compare myself to her and I make myself feel like crap because of it. I always have. After confronting him many times he finally took her off of his top ten. I helps a lot not to see her everytime I look at his myspace. I don't know why but I click on hers to see what he is missing out on and she is actually very pretty and a lot skinnier than me. I don't know why I am insecure, I know he loves me, but wonder if he wonders what if... It hurts me to think that he would, but I am sure he does. I recently found out that about four months into our relationship they had something going on with emailing each other. The way I found out is becuase he keeps his email as a big mystery to me. I confronted him to the point he finally showed me that he had something to hide. There were probably ten emails from her in 2002. I didn't read them because I knew it would hurt me that much more. Should I read them, and Should I worry about this or am I just over obsessing? Please help me. I am young and in love and a little insecure and I don't know what to think or do.

[Guest]

I can understand that you are feeling insecure and cannot understand what the attraction is for him keeping intouch with his ex. I don't know the backgroumd as to why they split up, but is it possibly that the relationship came to a natural end??? I think you should class yourself as lucky, the fact that your boyfriend seems so kind and sensitive to still keep in touch with her. The way I see it is that fair enough, they fell out of love, but it doesn't stop you caring about someone. She obviously played a big part in his life for a long time, and I doubt he is in love with her (he is with you and not her!!!!!!), but I imagine that he still loves her as a person, and thats not bad! It shows that he is a decent human being (and more than that, a decent man!!!!!). God forbid that something happened that your relationship came to an end, but would you not hope that he would have the same admiration for you even if you weren't together as a couple?? I think you are a very lucky woman to have found such a specimen! I don't suppose he has a twin brother....??! hehe!! It's good that you have explained to him how it makes you feel, and hopefully he understands it.

 

P.s. the emails they were sending between themselves may have been just conversation?? Or maybe he was emailing her, telling her about how fantastic you were?! He was maybe even looking advice on doing something really nice and special for you!!!!! And anyway, that was 2002! It is now 2006 and I am sure that his love for you has grew bigger by the day. Put a smile on and enjoy your relationship xx

[vampress1]

5 years is a long time for you to still feel insecure about a past relationship. He has removed her from his top ten list on myspace, has offered to let you read emails from 4 years ago, and I'm assuming he has tried to ease your insecurities (right?). Please don't read this harshly, but what more do you want?

You seem very fragile, so i'm trying very hard not to add to your emotional dilema. You clearly cannot erase his past (although, we often wish we could!!) so, as much as I HATE to say this... you have to get over it (shrugging with a sympathetic look on my face). Constantly comparing yourself to her is unhealthy not to mention unattractive.

 

Sooooo, when's the wedding? A three year engagement? Wow!! Who has the commitment issue? You or him? (ouch!!)

I don't want to open another can of worms here, but is the long engagement making you wonder?

[shanequa_420]

Thanks for the advice. The guest whoever that was actually helped me out a ton in understaning the whole situation. I have also talked to many other people about it and have came to a conclusion. Just like you said, GET OVER IT. I have done that. I have learned that yes, he will always have feelings for her, but they aren't the same as they were and they aren't the same feelings that he has for me. I am feeling secure now that I have had all of this advice. I have also learned that yes he will still love her and probably will always love her as a PERSON not a lover. I feel much better. Thank you all for your advice.

 

NOW ABOUT THE LONG ENGAGEMENT

 

We could get married any day at the court house and that is what he would like to do. I just have an issue because I want a dream wedding. We are pretty much married all ready. The other fact is that I am only 20 years old and we got engaged when I was seventeen. I don't think it is a commitment issue. I think it is just me and wanting my dream wedding instead of just getting married. I want to have that special day. I don't know when the wedding is. We planned on doing it about a year after we got engaged but didn't have the funds to do a fun and nice (dream)wedding. Who knows though maybe we will just go to Vegas one day and tie the knot, but personally that isn't what I really want.