Don't believe in second chances?

[CaliGuy]

Well, I do.

 

When my friend committed suicide a couple weeks ago I broke down and called the ex. Now understand that I haven't talked to her in 5 months. No calls, period, and only a few impersonal emails. I just wanted to pass on the news and hadn't planned on talking long.

 

We ended up talking for an hour. At that time I suggested lunch which she said "Sure! I'd love to do that." So last week we exchanged a few emails and couldn't work out a date (she's busy, I'm busy). What I did not do was "jump" on it when she suggested last Thursday (I was booked that day). I simply said "If we can't work something out this week we can always try later."

 

She emailed me back last Wednesday suggesting maybe next Wednesday (today) and that "We'll talk again sometime next week." I didn't reply I just left things at that. This morning my phone rang right at 8am. I saw it was her so I let it go to voicemail. She left a VERY lengthy message stating that she "really wanted to see me" and "hoped we could do lunch today." She also said her new guy is going away for the weekend and reminded me her birthday is Saturday. She said she wanted to have a pity party and maybe we could do something together Saturday afternoon.

 

Remember, I've been following most everything in my "guide to second chances" and just because we're talking doesn't mean that we're getting back together. I for one want to take things nice and slow. I'm not getting my hopes up about this and I'm not going to be devestated if things don't work out.

 

So how did I get here? Well for one, I stuck to my guide.

 

1. I didn't pine over her (calling, emailing, texting).

2. I didn't talk about her current relationship.

3. I didn't talk about the past.

4. I didn't place blame on her or apologize.

5. I didn't place any expectations on her.

6. I stayed happy, fun, confident and secure in myself.

 

Yes, I broke NC but it's probably a good thing I did. She's stubborn and so am I. She has missed me, more so than I thought she would.

 

Who's to say where this will go, I don't know. All that I do know is that time and space will do wonders for both you and your S/O. They need time to miss you and you need time to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

 

With my ex, she's been on her own now for 5 months. She has had a taste of what "real life" is like (not having to depend on me or her parents for things I believe has accellerated her maturity). Her current b/f doesn't seem to be making her a priority (though I don't know what's going on with them I assume since he can blow her off on her birthday he doesn't think much of her).

 

I realize the nay-sayers are going to come in here and say "You screwed up!" or "It's bound to fail" or whatever. All I know is that if it doesn't work this time at least I can rest comfortably knowing I gave it a last ditch effort. But I didn't force it. I didn't pressure her. I focused on myself, my needs and making me #1. I let her know I was still around without pining for her and she's letting me know she misses me.

 

If I fall on my face, I fully expect a few select members here to gloat and bask in the glory of being right. Good for them. For me it's not about being right or wrong.

 

It's about growing as a person, understanding love, getting the answers you need, improving yourself and being happy. If love comes of this, great. If not, I'm still waiting for JDub to move to California

 

Cheers all.

[kitten chick]

Good luck CaliGuy. I hope it works out for you.

[destination_unknown]

I second kc's sentiments, i hope you can have a valuable relationship with your ex, whether it be friendship or otherwise.

[openskies]

Best of luck CaliGuy... I won't be one of the naysayers since I firmly believe that in spite of how much we like to think there are "rules and guides"... the truth is, there are no rules and anything can always happen no matter what you do. Which is why you should always do what feels right to you, that's the only way to be at peace with yourself. What should happen, will happen.

 

OS

[Art_Critic]

1. I didn't pine over her (calling, emailing, texting).

2. I didn't talk about her current relationship.

3. I didn't talk about the past.

4. I didn't place blame on her or apologize.

5. I didn't place any expectations on her.

6. I stayed happy, fun, confident and secure in myself.

 

I hope it works out for you CG.. you could use some happiness..

Take it slow and keep up the good spirits

 

 

 

I would however ( not being a naysayer ) point out that you also did something against all guides..

 

you never moved on..

 

So number 1 you actually did.. she just never saw you pine after her.. you pined after her on LS instead..

[tanbark813]

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're doing the right thing. The fact that she wants to meet up with an ex while her current bf is out of town for the weekend says a lot about her character. Good luck, man.

[CaliGuy]

I hope it works out for you CG.. you could use some happiness..

Take it slow and keep up the good spirits

 

 

 

I would however ( not being a naysayer ) point out that you also did something against all guides..

 

you never moved on..

 

So number 1 you actually did.. she just never saw you pine after her.. you pined after her on LS instead..

 

Art, yes and no. I still love her, that's for sure. But I also let go. In other words, I didn't sit around calling her, writing her letters, stalk her or otherwise try and force her back into my life.

 

I did go out on dates and I think that helped me a lot. I mean I went on dates with some very attractive and successful women. The problem was I couldn't get a spark with any of them.

 

I guess we see pining differently. For me pining means you are thinking about them constantly (I wasn't though as time went on she crossed my mind less and less) or concocting schemes to get them back.

 

I let time do it's job and in the interim I focused on myself. The old me would have responded to her emails right away (I took 3-4 hours to respond and sometimes took a day). She sent me an email yesterday morning about gas prices. I never replied.

 

Art, I hear you my friend. You make a lot of sense and I appreciate your opinion even if I don't always agree with you. For me, this is something I have to do. If it doesn't work out at least I know it wasn't meant to be. If it does then great.

 

Either way, I'll be fine

[skeptik224]

I'm really sorry to hear about your friends' death. I'm glad that you called the ex and are keeping your feelings/emotions in check. Please keep us posted...good luck

[2sunny]

Try to make it a good go honey!

 

I understand you still have very strong feelings for her and maybe it's better to give it a good shot.

 

Remember this time around that you may want to make your needs and wants and desires perfectly clear from the start... that way she is less likely to disappoint you in the long run and you both will have a better chance of being happy in the long run...

 

Good luck to you!

[CaliGuy]

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're doing the right thing. The fact that she wants to meet up with an ex while her current bf is out of town for the weekend says a lot about her character. Good luck, man.

 

I thought about that too. However, she isn't saying "let's get back together", from what i can tell it's "My b/f bailed on me for my birthday and now I'm alone". That's why she called it a pity party.

 

I haven't agreed to hang out with her on her birthday yet. I think I'd rather do lunch and see where things go from there.

 

Appreciate the heads up though. Food for thought.

[KittenMoon]

Good luck, man. The more stories I read here, and the more stories I hear from people in my life, the more I realize ANYTHING is possible and anything can work.

[Pyro]

Well, I do.

 

When my friend committed suicide a couple weeks ago I broke down and called the ex. Now understand that I haven't talked to her in 5 months. No calls, period, and only a few impersonal emails. I just wanted to pass on the news and hadn't planned on talking long.

 

We ended up talking for an hour. At that time I suggested lunch which she said "Sure! I'd love to do that." So last week we exchanged a few emails and couldn't work out a date (she's busy, I'm busy). What I did not do was "jump" on it when she suggested last Thursday (I was booked that day). I simply said "If we can't work something out this week we can always try later."

 

She emailed me back last Wednesday suggesting maybe next Wednesday (today) and that "We'll talk again sometime next week." I didn't reply I just left things at that. This morning my phone rang right at 8am. I saw it was her so I let it go to voicemail. She left a VERY lengthy message stating that she "really wanted to see me" and "hoped we could do lunch today." She also said her new guy is going away for the weekend and reminded me her birthday is Saturday. She said she wanted to have a pity party and maybe we could do something together Saturday afternoon.

 

Remember, I've been following most everything in my "guide to second chances" and just because we're talking doesn't mean that we're getting back together. I for one want to take things nice and slow. I'm not getting my hopes up about this and I'm not going to be devestated if things don't work out.

 

So how did I get here? Well for one, I stuck to my guide.

 

1. I didn't pine over her (calling, emailing, texting).

2. I didn't talk about her current relationship.

3. I didn't talk about the past.

4. I didn't place blame on her or apologize.

5. I didn't place any expectations on her.

6. I stayed happy, fun, confident and secure in myself.

 

Yes, I broke NC but it's probably a good thing I did. She's stubborn and so am I. She has missed me, more so than I thought she would.

 

Who's to say where this will go, I don't know. All that I do know is that time and space will do wonders for both you and your S/O. They need time to miss you and you need time to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

 

With my ex, she's been on her own now for 5 months. She has had a taste of what "real life" is like (not having to depend on me or her parents for things I believe has accellerated her maturity). Her current b/f doesn't seem to be making her a priority (though I don't know what's going on with them I assume since he can blow her off on her birthday he doesn't think much of her).

 

I realize the nay-sayers are going to come in here and say "You screwed up!" or "It's bound to fail" or whatever. All I know is that if it doesn't work this time at least I can rest comfortably knowing I gave it a last ditch effort. But I didn't force it. I didn't pressure her. I focused on myself, my needs and making me #1. I let her know I was still around without pining for her and she's letting me know she misses me.

 

If I fall on my face, I fully expect a few select members here to gloat and bask in the glory of being right. Good for them. For me it's not about being right or wrong.

 

It's about growing as a person, understanding love, getting the answers you need, improving yourself and being happy. If love comes of this, great. If not, I'm still waiting for JDub to move to California

 

Cheers all.

 

Hope that everything goes well.

I do believe that second chances work for some individuals. Thus far, it has never worked for me and there's no telling if it would ever. If everything was right, i would.

[CaliGuy]

Alpha, I knew you'd be in here with your negative/bad attitude.

 

You're a perfect example of why I am spending less time here. You add nothing to the forums and continue to spew forth not good advice, but put people down, insult them and basically are a nuisance to the forums.

 

You might enjoy pissing on other people and maybe it makes you feel better because of your own insecurities but I can see through you.

 

You sir, are a jerk.

[CaliGuy]

Hope that everything goes well.

I do believe that second chances work for some individuals. Thus far, it has never worked for me and there's no telling if it would ever. If everything was right, i would.

 

 

Thanks. She just emailed me asking if I was free to hang out on Saturday and get a bite to eat. Like I said, I don't expect anything. It'd be nice to catch up and see where her head is at.

 

I know she misses me.

[Pyro]

Thanks. She just emailed me asking if I was free to hang out on Saturday and get a bite to eat. Like I said, I don't expect anything. It'd be nice to catch up and see where her head is at.

 

I know she misses me.

 

Give her a chance to see what she has been missing out on. The new and improved Caliguy.

[grateful]

Be careful. You say you aren't expecting anything but the effort you put into your first post belies your stated position. She can very easily stay with her bf and depend on you for some extra emotional support. You have a lot of faith in your guide but keep in mind that the torch you still carry for her can make you do things that go against your own rules - you are human like anybody else and emotions are stronger than guides. Just keep that in mind and don't let your guard down.

[openskies]

I agree with the caution expressed by others... you are entering a dangerous zone where you could easily fall into the no return "friend" category. Now, if you are ready for it, then it can be ok... just make sure you won't see that as a defeat. If you truly have no expectations, the outcome will be right, no matter what.

 

There is no path.

 

OS

[Yamaha]

She now knows you still want her and you're not over her. I hope she gives you a second chance but I think she is just curious about you and wants to satisify for herself that she still has you on a string. Do you think she as changed as much as you have? It requires both to change for there to be a second chance. I do wish you luck as I think you will need it.

[CaliGuy]

She now knows you still want her and you're not over her. I hope she gives you a second chance but I think she is just curious about you and wants to satisify for herself that she still has you on a string. Do you think she as changed as much as you have? It requires both to change for there to be a second chance. I do wish you luck as I think you will need it.

 

Thanks for the reminder. Understand when she seems me she isn't going to sense that. I haven't been calling her back right away, I don't email her back right away and I get off the phone first Those are things I never did before but are coming to me naturally.

 

I have my needs as a priority. She senses the changes and probably wants to poke around and see if they are real. While I agree I still love her very much, I am not going to allow her to see that.

 

If she had me a on a string I would've jumped at whatever lunch options she gave me. Instead, I am biding my time, giving up the short term gratification for the long term goal.

 

Impatience was my enemy before.

 

Patience is now my ally

[prfrogkisser]

 

So how did I get here? Well for one, I stuck to my guide.

 

1. I didn't pine over her (calling, emailing, texting).

2. I didn't talk about her current relationship.

3. I didn't talk about the past.

4. I didn't place blame on her or apologize.

5. I didn't place any expectations on her.

6. I stayed happy, fun, confident and secure in myself

 

 

If I fall on my face, I fully expect a few select members here to gloat and bask in the glory of being right. Good for them. For me it's not about being right or wrong.

 

It's about growing as a person, understanding love, getting the answers you need, improving yourself and being happy. If love comes of this, great. If not, I'm still waiting for JDub to move to California

 

Cheers all.

To me it seems you have everything figured out. Life is about taking chances. Sometimes the 2nd time around is much better. I wish you luck and keep being positive. Dont we all wish men would be this wise:)

[alphamale]

Alpha, I knew you'd be in here with your negative/bad attitude.

I'm being realistic CG...if there was soemthing to be happy about then I would be happy for you.

 

You add nothing to the forums and continue to spew forth not good advice, but put people down, insult them and basically are a nuisance to the forums.

I only do it when I feel it is really needed...think of it as "tough love".

 

You sir, are a jerk.

I can be your friend or your enemy, whatever you decide to see me as.

[batesal]

1st off Caliguy, I am sorry to hear about your mom and your friend. Then on top of all of that someone you loved break your heart. I don't know about eveyone in LS, but I have to say you have been through ALOT.

 

I have been reading alot of your posts, replies, and I have gather alot of information from you. Almost anything you say on here, I take it to heart and I try to enforce it in my life. Yes I do to believe in second chances and I also beleive that someone can have a change of heart once they see what they are missing.

 

Yeah, I beleive she has missed you, maybe not in the flesh, but she has missed talking to you on the phone. I guess another way you know that she cares about you was that she picked up when you called, even after all this time.

 

 

In my situation. I saw that I was too much into her and that she was running my life. She was my true love, and 4 months later I still love and care about her, and ask for a second chance, but one thing that I have begun to do is seriously distance myself from her, she asks to see me, I say no, or I have something to do. I don't see myself standing around waiting for her to call, No e-mails, Yeah I do write letters, but I don't mail them. They are my way of venting. I do send a IM maybe once in a few weeks to a month, but don't expect anything from them. I have your guide, along with another one, and I read them once a week so I make sure I don't do anything that would make me look stupid. The guy that she is with now, she cheated on me with and saw him for a month before our breakup. I do forgive people when they do something out of spite.

 

Anyways, I really do hope that all works out for you, and you do show people that things can get better with time. GL!!!

[Numbheart]

I'm new to these boards, but I do believe in second chances, I truely think everyone deserves one so wish you well.

 

However, I have read many of your guides and posts, and do find this a little contradictive.

 

My question to you Caliguy concerns your actions of refusing to pick up calls or ring back without waiting at least a day, etc?

There is such a thing as respect, is this how you treat your friends?..if it is you would be no friend of mine, and why treat your ex any different now?,..... no matter how you flower this up, your playing games with her.

Some women respond to genuine respect and curtesy and some see straight through the games of leaving long times until a reply.

 

That game can go against people, if feelings are genuine, act genuine, it can mean the world to others.

 

This is not meant as an attack or a dig at you, just really more a question of why feel the need.

[CaliGuy]

I'm new to these boards, but I do believe in second chances, I truely think everyone deserves one so wish you well.

 

However, I have read many of your guides and posts, and do find this a little contradictive.

 

My question to you Caliguy concerns your actions of refusing to pick up calls or ring back without waiting at least a day, etc?

There is such a thing as respect, is this how you treat your friends?..if it is you would be no friend of mine, and why treat your ex any different now?,..... no matter how you flower this up, your playing games with her.

Some women respond to genuine respect and curtesy and some see straight through the games of leaving long times until a reply.

 

That game can go against people, if feelings are genuine, act genuine, it can mean the world to others.

 

This is not meant as an attack or a dig at you, just really more a question of why feel the need.

 

It's simple, really. When we dated, I was at her beck and call. She's a private person, doesn't like too much attention. I gave her far too much and was basically smothering her.

 

Taking my time calling her back/emailing her isn't a game. It's giving her the space she needs without putting any pressure on her.

 

That's why I am not quick to respond or take every call. It isn't a game I am playing. It's me teaching myself delayed gratification. I am giving up the short term gratification (quick replies, answer every call) for the long term goal (giving her space/time to miss me).

 

Some may see it as a game but really, if a guy was at your beck and call every second of the day you'd wonder if he had a life. I did too, so I got one

[CaliGuy]

I'm being realistic CG...if there was soemthing to be happy about then I would be happy for you.

 

Happy for you or for me? I don't need you to be happy for me, I need you to keep your negative opinions to yourself.

 

I only do it when I feel it is really needed...think of it as "tough love".

 

Love is something by your own actions you've shown you have no clue about.

 

I can be your friend or your enemy, whatever you decide to see me as.

 

I'm not looking for your approval as a friend nor do I care to have enemies. I see you as a "wanna be" alpha make who is insecure in his own self and merely seeks to build up his own lack of self-esteem by belittling others.

 

If you seek to prove a point then let this situation come to some sort of resolution before you pass your judgement.