I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

[uksurfer]

Hey everyone.

 

For a month or two, my wife has been mentioning that she's looking older, and has wrinkles, and stuff like that. Nothing major, just little remarks here and there, but definitely a change in the way she feels about herself. I can't say that I'd noticed anything like that, but then I'm absolutely smitten with her and she looks gorgeous to me 24 hours a day.

 

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I also noticed that she was using MSN messenger a lot, coming to bed late, and frantically clicking things off her laptop screen if I approached her. This went on for a few days, and one evening, I panicked and (I'm ashamed to say) snooped a little, and discovered that she'd been chatting to a few guys who all seemed a little younger than her.

 

The weird thing is that she was having conversations with more than one of them simultaneously, and the conversations were getting fairly racy. I also noticed that she was telling them stuff that was pure fantasy, ie. as if she was trying to make herself seem more attractive to them or something, which tells me that there aren't any kind of serious thoughts about a relationship there.

 

Anyway, two weeks ago, I asked her about these conversations. I didn't really get angry or anything but it turned into a bit of an argument and culminated in her telling me that she'd lost the feelings she had for me, but she still does love me, and that our relationship was over.

 

I'm totally confused. As well as being absolutely devastated. She was (and still is) the love of my life, and up until then (even earlier that day), everything seemed absolutely fine and normal. But since the argument, I can't get a truly straight answer out of her - she's told me that I've changed, another time she's told me that it's not me at all, she's also said that it might be because she's not good at relationships, and she's said it might be some kind of life crisis.

 

She's now taken off her wedding ring, and it's got to the point where she wants to move out and get her own place. I just find it all really, really weird that she feels like this, as we do have two young kids, aged 5 and 2.

 

One of the last conversations we had was on Monday night and she told me that she feels like me and the kids are just 'there all the time'. But as a family, aren't we all (me and the kids) supposed to be there all the time?

 

To me, it also seems so sudden, which is where much of the hurt iscoming from, although I guess that it's something she's been thinking about for a while now.

 

I'm prepared to give her as much space as she needs, but I really need to know that there's a chance that she'll come back to me. I can say with all my heart that I would wait a lifetime for her if she asked me to.

 

I know we've had some problems over the last couple of years with money worries and other stuff, but who doesn't. I honestly thought that our relationship and marriage were both stronger than this. She's always been my best friend as well as my wife, and while I know I'll keep her as a friend regardless of what happens, the thought of losing her as my wife is just tearing me apart piece by piece by piece.

 

Right now, I haven't eaten, slept, or thought about anything else for 2 weeks. I know I sound like a bit of a sap here, but this is really destroying me.

 

I'm 32, she'll be 38 next month. We met 6 years ago and have been married for nearly 2 years now.

 

Can anyone help me make sense of all of this? I'm going through absolute hell over it.

 

Thanks.

[Guitar Wizard]

Sadly it sounds like your wife is going through a mid-life crisis. She cannot stand the thought of her losing her former beauty to the merciless heel of time. A lot of women have trouble coping with the thought of getting "Old" and becoming unattractive. Why do you think there are so many "Age Defying" products on the market? They can dye the grey out of their hair, put cream to get rid of unwanted wrinkles, and there are plenty of different surgery approaches to shaving a few years of their plate.

It just sounds like your wife is going through a phase where she doesn’t like what she sees in the mirror anymore. And having a husband and kids, being "Tied down" is just another testament to her lost youth.

 

There really isn’t anything you can "Do" to make it better, short of finding the fountain of youth. You could, however, offer to go to some sort of marriage council or something, throw the ball our there. Show her you really love her and will do anything to try and salvage your relationship with her.

 

If that doesn’t work, then... Im sorry. But, on the bright side, you’ve brought children into this world, and at least you can have a good life being a good father to your kids, even if your wife wont share the job with you.

 

Good luck, I really hope everything works out for you.

[DesperateDad]

I feel for you, uksurfer. I'm going through a similar type situation. The whole love, but not IN love thing. I've found a lot of help here on these message boards and I'm sure you will, too. Also, check out marriagebuilders.com. They have great advice there on how to deal with exactly this type of situation.

 

It sounds like she may be having a midlife crisis. My wife is 37 and saying some of the same things. It also may be that you're not meeting her emotional needs. This was my problem. Most of us men don't even realize it. We do the things that we think meet their needs without knowing that theirs can be very different from ours. Also, if they don't give us any feedback, we won't know that we're even doing anything wrong.

 

Hang in there. It's not over yet. Search the marriagebuilders site for Plan A and try it out. It's just a way of behaving/reacting so that you don't cause any harm to the relationship anymore and actually begin the process of making yourself more appealing to her.

 

I'm not that experienced with all this as my situation is pretty new (at least, to me!), but these techniques are easy to understand. Just make it a habit. Also look for information on the same site about Love Banks. This idea helped me understand what's going on.

 

Good luck with things. We're pulling for you!

[uksurfer]

Yep, I'd thought about the mid-life crisis thing - in fact, it was the very first thing that had crossed my mind.

 

She's assured me that she hasn't (and won't) take any of these internet 'affairs' further and I genuinely believe her. She's also said that she's not looking for another relationship right now, and doesn't particularly want one, either.

 

She's refusing to go to any kind of counselling, and she's adamant that it's over between us. But I can't help feeling that once she has a complete break from this situation we've gotten ourselves into she'll miss what we had.

 

But then that might just be me trying to find some hope in all this.

 

Thanks for your reply, too.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like you want to keep your marriage going. Desperate Dad has given you good advice. Your situation really does seem to be similar to his. You might want to read his thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87184/

 

Also, it's probably a BAD IDEA to agree to separation right now. Wait until after you've made a study of all the available information. Too often, separation is just 'step #1' in the divorce process. It seldom actually accomplishes the goal of "giving space", and generally tends to ramp up the emotional distance between the two marriage partners.

[Woggle]

Act like you could care less and just get on with your life. Women do not respond to men who try to put it back together.If it's over you just have to accept that it is over.

[uksurfer]

Yes, I *desperately* want to save this.

 

But the problem is that she seems to have made her mind up. I know her, and the more I try to force her to do something, the more resolute she'll be.

 

So I need to go along with this for now, and give her the space she needs.

 

I'm also not going to act like I could care less, either. For a start, she already knows that that's not how I feel. Sure, I need to start rebuilding my life and get myself back on track, and that will make me appear to be moving on.

 

Plus, we're always going to have the kids between us, too, so I don't think that there can ever be a complete emotional detatchment. I just hope that she realises what she's going to be losing.

 

By the way, she's also said things like "she doesn't think that she's the right person for me", and that "I deserve someone better than her". Any idea what I can read into that, because as far as I'm concerned, she *is* the right person for me, and i can't imagine there being anyone better.

 

Thanks again for your advice, too.

[Guitar Wizard]

Act like you could care less and just get on with your life. Women do not respond to men who try to put it back together.If it's over you just have to accept that it is over.

 

Thats not true, all girls are different. While one might be like you said, another might think that if he isn't desperatly trying to get her back then he never really cared in the first place, ect ect... quite frankly girls are far too complicated to have a general rule of thumb on, especially when it comes to a situation like this.

 

However, I do agree that he should get on with his life, but I think he should keep trying to patch things up, maybe not feverishly, but still make an attempt.

[Woggle]

Just sounds like a woman with emotional problems. Truthfully you need to be a little cold and just move on. When you truly do get over it is when she might start coming back. I know this sounds strange but it is the truth. Women want what they can't have.

[Woggle]

Thats not true, all girls are different. While one might be like you said, another might think that if he isn't desperatly trying to get her back then he never really cared in the first place, ect ect... quite frankly girls are far too complicated to have a general rule of thumb on, especially when it comes to a situation like this.

 

However, I do agree that he should get on with his life, but I think he should keep trying to patch things up, maybe not feverishly, but still make an attempt.

 

Believe me the lapdog approach almost never works. Why would he even want to patch it up with a woman who is putting him through this?

[Guitar Wizard]

Believe me the lapdog approach almost never works. Why would he even want to patch it up with a woman who is putting him through this?

 

Im gonna go with "Love", but feel free to call me crazy. And Im not saying he should beg like a dog, but he shouldn't become a brick wall eather. There IS a comfortable medium.

[Woggle]

Im gonna go with "Love", but feel free to call me crazy. And Im not saying he should beg like a dog, but he shouldn't become a brick wall eather. There IS a comfortable medium.

 

I would give her a year. She can move out and do her thing. If she is not sure by then he files for divorce and there is no turning back after that. He needs to then celebrate his newfound freedom and be a father to his children.

[Guitar Wizard]

I would give her a year. She can move out and do her thing. If she is not sure by then he files for divorce and there is no turning back after that. He needs to then celebrate his newfound freedom and be a father to his children.

 

Exactly, I couldn't agree with you more there. His most important role in life is as a father, not a husband. And a year is plenty of time to go "Soul-searching", and more then enough time for him to accept things as they are and move on with his life.

[Woggle]

Exactly, I couldn't agree with you more there. His most important role in life is as a father, not a husband. And a year is plenty of time to go "Soul-searching", and more then enough time for him to accept things as they are and move on with his life.

 

Since she seems to be just as tired of her kids as she is of him maybe he can even go for custody. It sounds like they are just a burden to her anyway.

[Guitar Wizard]

Since she seems to be just as tired of her kids as she is of him maybe he can even go for custody. It sounds like they are just a burden to her anyway.

 

Yeah, she does sound like she wants to detach herself from just about everything in her current life, and if thats true he should have no problem getting custody of the kids, however it's going to be a tough job to explain to the kids that mommy's a dingbat that can't stand the thought of growing old.

 

But, as long as he pulls himself through this tough time, his kids should be just fine with his loving upbringing. They can like, go for ice-cream or something.

[uksurfer]

I would give her a year. She can move out and do her thing. If she is not sure by then he files for divorce and there is no turning back after that. He needs to then celebrate his newfound freedom and be a father to his children.

 

That's my plan exactly.

 

And yes, I'm doing this for love. Plain and simple. I love her, man. I love the kids. I love where we live. I love the future that we always talked about - and we did talk about it right up until she dropped this bomb.

 

I mean, just a couple weeks before this happened, she was telling me what she wanted me to do for her 40th birthday, which is 2 years away. Jeez.

 

I just find it all really, really weird to be honest. Neither of our parents can believe it. None of our friends can believe it. I can't believe it. To everyone I know, we were (are) a great couple. People used to tell us that all the time.

 

I just think that our finances over the last two years have been so bad, and the fact that her dad died last year, too, and a bunch of other stuff have all had an effect on her, and it's gotten to where she's reached a certain point, something's snapped, and she wants out.

 

It sounds stupid, but this just isn't her. She's always told me that she'll never leave me, and I've always promised the same, too. I just can't believe that she'd give up on us just like that.

 

I'd really like to think that this is just some kind of mid life crisis, and that she'll eventually come round. But at the same time, a small part of me is telling me that it's not gonna happen.

 

That's why I have no choice but to move on and give her the opportunity to miss us, and see what she's throwing away. It will also help me cope if the worst happens.

 

But you're right, it will be hard to feel the same way about someone who's treated me like this, but I'm absolutely willing to forgive.

 

I'm also worried for her future if she goes it alone, too. She's going to be a lot worse off financially if she's not with me in terms of living arrangements etc, and I know that that's not something she's going to cope with very well.

 

It's just an awful situation to be in.

[Guitar Wizard]

That's my plan exactly.

 

And yes, I'm doing this for love. Plain and simple. I love her, man. I love the kids. I love where we live. I love the future that we always talked about - and we did talk about it right up until she dropped this bomb.

 

I mean, just a couple weeks before this happened, she was telling me what she wanted me to do for her 40th birthday, which is 2 years away. Jeez.

 

I just find it all really, really weird to be honest. Neither of our parents can believe it. None of our friends can believe it. I can't believe it. To everyone I know, we were (are) a great couple. People used to tell us that all the time.

 

I just think that our finances over the last two years have been so bad, and the fact that her dad died last year, too, and a bunch of other stuff have all had an effect on her, and it's gotten to where she's reached a certain point, something's snapped, and she wants out.

 

It sounds stupid, but this just isn't her. She's always told me that she'll never leave me, and I've always promised the same, too. I just can't believe that she'd give up on us just like that.

 

I'd really like to think that this is just some kind of mid life crisis, and that she'll eventually come round. But at the same time, a small part of me is telling me that it's not gonna happen.

 

That's why I have no choice but to move on and give her the opportunity to miss us, and see what she's throwing away. It will also help me cope if the worst happens.

 

But you're right, it will be hard to feel the same way about someone who's treated me like this, but I'm absolutely willing to forgive.

 

I'm also worried for her future if she goes it alone, too. She's going to be a lot worse off financially if she's not with me in terms of living arrangements etc, and I know that that's not something she's going to cope with very well.

 

It's just an awful situation to be in.

 

Well, it's good you've found the inner strength to move on with your life, a lot of men have not found the strength they need to make it through a situation like this, but you have, and that makes me glad because with the right attitude, everything will be fine.

 

So... just bide your time. Go to work, cook, work out, get a new hobby, buy your kids some new toys, and go on with your life.

[Woggle]

That's my plan exactly.

 

And yes, I'm doing this for love. Plain and simple. I love her, man. I love the kids. I love where we live. I love the future that we always talked about - and we did talk about it right up until she dropped this bomb.

 

I mean, just a couple weeks before this happened, she was telling me what she wanted me to do for her 40th birthday, which is 2 years away. Jeez.

 

I just find it all really, really weird to be honest. Neither of our parents can believe it. None of our friends can believe it. I can't believe it. To everyone I know, we were (are) a great couple. People used to tell us that all the time.

 

I just think that our finances over the last two years have been so bad, and the fact that her dad died last year, too, and a bunch of other stuff have all had an effect on her, and it's gotten to where she's reached a certain point, something's snapped, and she wants out.

 

It sounds stupid, but this just isn't her. She's always told me that she'll never leave me, and I've always promised the same, too. I just can't believe that she'd give up on us just like that.

 

I'd really like to think that this is just some kind of mid life crisis, and that she'll eventually come round. But at the same time, a small part of me is telling me that it's not gonna happen.

 

That's why I have no choice but to move on and give her the opportunity to miss us, and see what she's throwing away. It will also help me cope if the worst happens.

 

But you're right, it will be hard to feel the same way about someone who's treated me like this, but I'm absolutely willing to forgive.

 

I'm also worried for her future if she goes it alone, too. She's going to be a lot worse off financially if she's not with me in terms of living arrangements etc, and I know that that's not something she's going to cope with very well.

 

It's just an awful situation to be in.

 

Don't worry about her. Let her fall because she is the one choosing this not you. In fact if you get custody I would go for child support. You know she would not be this sympathetic to you if things were reversed. She's a woman and women tend to do this type of thing. I can't fully explain it myself but don't let yourself become a doormat.

[uksurfer]

Yeah, she does sound like she wants to detach herself from just about everything in her current life, and if thats true he should have no problem getting custody of the kids.

 

Well, we had another massively emotional chat last night with lots of crying and hugs, etc, and she said that it's fine for me to have the kids, as long as she's living in a place where they can go stay occasionally.

 

That sounds strange to me, too, because surely it's a mother's natural instinct to want the kids. I know she loves them more than anything, yet it appears she needs space from them, too.

 

I don't know, it just sounds like she's trying to get her old 20-something life back to me.

 

But if I as much as hinted this to her, she'd go absolutely ballistic.

[uksurfer]

Well, it's good you've found the inner strength to move on with your life, a lot of men have not found the strength they need to make it through a situation like this, but you have, and that makes me glad because with the right attitude, everything will be fine.

 

So... just bide your time. Go to work, cook, work out, get a new hobby, buy your kids some new toys, and go on with your life.

 

Y'know, I've done an awful lot of 24/7 thinking about this situation in the last couple of weeks, and getting through it really is as simple as all that.

 

Are you speaking from experience, btw? Just curious.

 

It hurts like hell, and I love her more than I can even try to put into words, but it shouldn't be the end of the world.

[Guitar Wizard]

Are you speaking from experience, btw? Just curious.

 

Yeah, I’ve gone through a lot of hardships seeking the idealistic notion of "Love" and "Happiness" within the form of a female partner. However, I’ve learned a lot from each different relationship that I’ve had, and one of the most important things I’ve learned is no matter how much you love someone, or how much you would do for them, or sacrifice just to be with them, if they don’t feel the same way there is nothing you can do. A wise quote I heard once is

 

"You cannot choose who you love. If you could, it would me much more simple, but much less magical".

 

One of my many philosophy’s on life is that there are things you can do, and there are things you can’t. There are many things along the road of life that we cannot control, for we are mere mortals, and when you come across a situation you have no control over, don’t fret, accept it for what it is and continue on down the road of life.

[uksurfer]

if they don’t feel the same way there is nothing you can do.

 

Yep. That's one of the hardest things to accept in life, make no mistake.

 

But what gets me is that we *did* feel the same. And we both felt it enough to spend over 6 years together, get married, and have 2 fantastic, amazing kids.

 

My feelings towards her haven't changed at all, yet hers have done a complete 180 and she can't even give me a real reason why.

 

As well as hurting like hell, it's also making me want to tear my hair out.

[Guitar Wizard]

Yep. That's one of the hardest things to accept in life, make no mistake.

 

But what gets me is that we *did* feel the same. And we both felt it enough to spend over 6 years together, get married, and have 2 fantastic, amazing kids.

 

My feelings towards her haven't changed at all, yet hers have done a complete 180 and she can't even give me a real reason why.

 

As well as hurting like hell, it's also making me want to tear my hair out.

 

Pain is normal, it just means you have a heart.

 

Yes, I understand how sucky this situation is, and were I in your shoes, I probably wouldn't have handled it so well, I probably would have gotten angry and started cursing all over the place, then got really drunk, curse some more, then try to make love to the sofa and pass out in a pool of my own vomit.

 

So, your taking this very well, which just goes to show that you have a lot more strength then you give yourself credit for.

 

And don't give up all hope so easily, as long as you have faith, there is always a chance.

[uksurfer]

I probably would have gotten angry and started cursing all over the place, then got really drunk, curse some more, then try to make love to the sofa and pass out in a pool of my own vomit.

 

I had that planned for tomorrow night.

 

Actually, can I get a woman's view on all of this? Any of you guys ever felt like my wife does right now? Is it permanent do you think? Will I ever get her back?

[Guitar Wizard]

I had that planned for tomorrow night.

 

I recommend Yeager.