Hi, I'm new and someone to listen with an open mind.

[littleroom]

Hi... this is my first post here. I needed to find a place where I could get this out in the open.

 

Okay, here is my story. I have been happily married for 3 years. I have a 22-month old son. I truly adore my husband. He still turns me on and he is very special to me. But I fear that I have screwed things up royally for us, and he doesn't even know it.

 

Here's the deal. I've worked at my current job for 6 years. In the time that I've worked there I became very close friends with a guy in the office. For like the first year of my working there we got to be friends fast because he was going through some things and I was there to listen etc. During the last 4 years it became more and more apparent that our caring for each other was turning into something else. In fact, we have tried very hard to NOT like each other. We actually stopped talking for a long time due to an argument etc. Anyway, not to bore you with all of that... I just want to make the point that over the years we have developed this very interesting friendship. After the 2 times that we had stopped talking to one another every time we started talking again the feelings became deeper and deeper. Meanwhile, I am in a marriage that I am happy in. I have a child and my life is going well.

 

This past year, my friend really opened up about how he feels about me. He totally gets that I am married and doesn't want to disturb my life. He basically confesses that he loves me. And here is the kicker... I know that I love him too. Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Prior to this friend being in my life I was very set on the fact that you only love one person in your life... that person is your soulmate. Well, during this conversation with this guy we got wrapped up in the moment and kissed! What have I done!!!!!?????

 

I don't know what to do. We know that what we did was wrong. I don't see us doing that again. But the kiss indicates a lot of feelings that exists between us. This shouldn't be happening!

 

I talked to a friend recently but didn't tell her about the kiss. She actually has been married before and cheated on her spouse (they weren't married long and they were young) and she tells me, "you know... this happens so much but people just don't talk about it." It made me feel better... but then I still feel terrible.

 

I need help. I cannot tell my spouse about this at all because it would totally ruin him. Everything would be over.

 

As strange as this will sound, I can't seem to end this friendship with this guy. Part of the problem is that we are so emotionally connected.

 

I am looking for help and support. I want to move forward in my life. I feel like such a sinner (I'm Catholic). I feel like something horrible is going to happen to me.

 

Thank you for listening... I hope to find some help somewhere.

 

--- littleroom

[lovelorcet]

Can I remind you that you are married and you have a child? You are really playing with fire here and I would suggest that you bail out on this coworker ASAP. You need to sit down and figure out what it is this other guy is giving you that your husband is not. You may even need to consider doing that in some kind of counseling but once you figure out which needs are not being met by your husband you then need to make sure he is meeting those needs.

 

I would even consider finding a new job as you have stated you are not really capable of doing NC with this coworker. Take responsibility for yourself, your husband and your child and do the right thing because the other direction will only lead you into a world of hurt.

[gypsygal44]

Some people consider kissing someone else other than your spouse cheating, and some do not. I think the ones who don't are the ones who do it a lot. Anyway, I too, kissed someone else very early on in my marriage. I guess I saw my ExH flirting with all the girls and I felt insecure. I felt like I had cheated and was a whore. But it was only a kiss. There are much worse things you could do.

 

Becoming emotionally involved with this coworker is one. That is like an emotional affair. Because you are giving your affection to this man instead of your H. Jobs are easier to come by then good marriages. So think long and hard what you are willing to give up. Then do what you need to do. I am not saying that whatever decision you make will be easy. It won't. Emotional affairs are harder to give up than a sexual one. Because of the emotions involved.

 

You must have been emotionally involved with him at the time you married your H. You chose your H for a reason. Yes, I believe you can love two people at once, but it is a different kind of love. The love you have for a life partner should be totally seperate and cherished. Don't threaten your marriage (if you truely are happy) with this OM. He isn't worth the pain you will go thru.

 

Gypsy

[Solachica]

Decide if you want to be with your husband or with this other guy.

You aren't willing to have NC with your co worker rite?

You are cheating on your husband emotionally.

 

Yes, I believe you can love two people at once, but it is a different kind of love. The love you have for a life partner should be totally separate and cherished. Don't threaten your marriage (if you truely are happy) with this OM. He isn't worth the pain you will go thru.

I agree.

[tikigods]

You aren't being fair to your husband, he has every right to know what you are doing and that you are no longer JUST his. You need to really figure out what it is you want, cause right now you are playing with a lot of fire and a lot of hearts. If you trly loved your husband you would come clean to him so that HE can make the choice as to weather or not to stay with you

[littleroom]

Thank you all for your advice. You are all right. I need to get out of this double quick!

 

Actually, I have been looking for another job and had a very good interview on Friday so I am secretly hoping that that comes through for me.

 

I don't why or how I strayed, but I did. I think I am in a place now where I can correct this.

 

It's going to hurt to pull away from this OM but I have to do it.

 

You have NO idea how much it helps to have you all hear me out.

 

THANK YOU!

 

--- littleroom

[Solachica]

You are welcome

I take it tht you have chosen to work on your marriage.

Good Luck in tht interview on Friday.

[littleroom]

You are welcome

I take it tht you have chosen to work on your marriage.

Good Luck in tht interview on Friday.

 

Yes, I have chosen to do that. I am relying on a lot of strength right now.

 

I hope the job thing pans out for me. I think the best thing overall is for me to remove myself from my work environment. I've just gotten too emotionally connected to him.

 

--- littleroom

[lovelorcet]

Good for you I think you are doing the right thing. You made a big promise to your husband when you married him and I think that means he comes first when trying to work out situations like this.

[littleroom]

Good for you I think you are doing the right thing. You made a big promise to your husband when you married him and I think that means he comes first when trying to work out situations like this.

 

I was never thinking that I would ever leave my husband or that I would do anything more to jeapordize my marriage. But I have learned that sometimes feelings can creep into our lives for other people.

 

I am working on it.

 

--- littleroom

[riobikini]

LR,

 

You are not alone with this little drama.

 

Lots of people who have close friendships with the opposite sex have been found themselves in the same predicament as you.

 

*It's all about boundaries.*

 

Setting them. Realizing them. Respecting them. Keeping them.

 

Boundaries you *needed* to set up right at the *get-go* of the friendship.

 

Most often, this situation occurs commonly in two primary sets of circumstances: one is your personal predisposition to 'touchy-feely', sensitive-type friendships with the opposite sex in which you truly believe you can carry on a close friendship with *no (discussion of) boundaries* in regards to the subject matter you discuss, and secondly, it's more likely to happen when one or both of you are experiencing a 'slow' period or phase in your respective relationships with a 'significant other'.

 

If you fit any of the above criteria, you're probably going to experience this situation at one time or another in a male/female close friendship situation.

 

Explaination of 'slow' period: it's simply when you aren't feeling as appreciated by your SO, or receiving as much affection or excitement from the relationship as you feel you should. Or it's when you are already experiencing more major problems in your relationship.

 

Know that *every* relationship is susceptible, at one time or another, to these 'slow' periods.

 

But often they become the 'crack in the door' that can allow secret affairs to occur, or a friendship to be taken too far, and wind up becoming intimate.

 

*You are still responsible for your actions whether you are feeling 'loved' and 'appreciated' or not.*

 

And if you are feeling less than sure about what's going on in your primary, significant relationship, it certainly isn't a good time to begin confiding in a friendly (non-related) member of the opposite sex, nor be spending a lot of time with him/her.

 

*You're just asking for trouble*.

 

I understand that your relationship with your friend was one that you'd already begun, and had carried on for years -but I can also see where you knew that you were capable (as he was also) of the whole friendship turning into something else.

 

That is where/when you should have dropped it.

 

You say you can't -or couldn't drop it. No so. You are weakly allowing your desires to have rule over good common sense.

 

It's a cop-out to your personal responsibility, as well as a potentially serious flaw in your character, -which can be fixed, by the way. (It takes resolve, and the 'want-to' to do it).

 

Don't let this foolishness destroy your marriage nor become more dramatic and hurtful.

 

Strengthen your character and begin by showing some self-respect (and respect to your SO) by telling your male friend that this is where the buck stops and that the 'friendship' *must* end, -and cool it down to the temperature of an ice cube.

 

You don't have to run crying and sobbing to your husband to tell him about all of this -that is- unless you think it would do any good with the situation between the *two of you*. (I don't see that as an option, myself. In my opinion, it would only make things worse, at least, for now).

 

Look, as far as your friend goes, the friendship just ended when you both crossed those boundaries with the inevitable kiss.

 

Now is the time to suck up the mistake, forgive yourself (*important instruction*) bone up, do the right thing, and walk away from the whole mess, and make your decision powerfully strong and evident to your 'friend', make your parting words to him bold and firm, and your exit absolutely *final*.

 

Then take a deep breath and commit to working on your relationship with the man who is the father of your child and who has been holding up his end of his marriage to you, and *restoring it* to its potential.

 

P.S. And don't worry about hell, guilt, and God getting revenge....God will smile on you, hell will be far, far from you, and the only guilt you'll feel, now and then, will be quickly replaced by the confidence, self-respect, and knowledge that you took control of a bad situation and turned it around just in the nick of time.

 

*In time, with that, you'll find you will have grown from the experience*.

 

And that'll make you smile every time you look at your husband and your child for years to come.

 

Hope this helps.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

All in kindness,

-Rio

[littleroom]

LR,

 

You are not alone with this little drama.

 

Lots of people who have close friendships with the opposite sex have been found themselves in the same predicament as you.

 

*It's all about boundaries.*

 

Setting them. Realizing them. Respecting them. Keeping them.

 

Boundaries you *needed* to set up right at the *get-go* of the friendship.

 

Most often, this situation occurs commonly in two primary sets of circumstances: one is your personal predisposition to 'touchy-feely', sensitive-type friendships with the opposite sex in which you truly believe you can carry on a close friendship with *no (discussion of) boundaries* in regards to the subject matter you discuss, and secondly, it's more likely to happen when one or both of you are experiencing a 'slow' period or phase in your respective relationships with a 'significant other'.

 

If you fit any of the above criteria, you're probably going to experience this situation at one time or another in a male/female close friendship situation.

 

Explaination of 'slow' period: it's simply when you aren't feeling as appreciated by your SO, or receiving as much affection or excitement from the relationship as you feel you should. Or it's when you are already experiencing more major problems in your relationship.

 

Know that *every* relationship is susceptible, at one time or another, to these 'slow' periods.

 

But often they become the 'crack in the door' that can allow secret affairs to occur, or a friendship to be taken too far, and wind up becoming intimate.

 

*You are still responsible for your actions whether you are feeling 'loved' and 'appreciated' or not.*

 

And if you are feeling less than sure about what's going on in your primary, significant relationship, it certainly isn't a good time to begin confiding in a friendly (non-related) member of the opposite sex, nor be spending a lot of time with him/her.

 

*You're just asking for trouble*.

 

I understand that your relationship with your friend was one that you'd already begun, and had carried on for years -but I can also see where you knew that you were capable (as he was also) of the whole friendship turning into something else.

 

That is where/when you should have dropped it.

 

You say you can't -or couldn't drop it. No so. You are weakly allowing your desires to have rule over good common sense.

 

It's a cop-out to your personal responsibility, as well as a potentially serious flaw in your character, -which can be fixed, by the way. (It takes resolve, and the 'want-to' to do it).

 

Don't let this foolishness destroy your marriage nor become more dramatic and hurtful.

 

Strengthen your character and begin by showing some self-respect (and respect to your SO) by telling your male friend that this is where the buck stops and that the 'friendship' *must* end, -and cool it down to the temperature of an ice cube.

 

You don't have to run crying and sobbing to your husband to tell him about all of this -that is- unless you think it would do any good with the situation between the *two of you*. (I don't see that as an option, myself. In my opinion, it would only make things worse, at least, for now).

 

Look, as far as your friend goes, the friendship just ended when you both crossed those boundaries with the inevitable kiss.

 

Now is the time to suck up the mistake, forgive yourself (*important instruction*) bone up, do the right thing, and walk away from the whole mess, and make your decision powerfully strong and evident to your 'friend', make your parting words to him bold and firm, and your exit absolutely *final*.

 

Then take a deep breath and commit to working on your relationship with the man who is the father of your child and who has been holding up his end of his marriage to you, and *restoring it* to its potential.

 

P.S. And don't worry about hell, guilt, and God getting revenge....God will smile on you, hell will be far, far from you, and the only guilt you'll feel, now and then, will be quickly replaced by the confidence, self-respect, and knowledge that you took control of a bad situation and turned it around just in the nick of time.

 

*In time, with that, you'll find you will have grown from the experience*.

 

And that'll make you smile every time you look at your husband and your child for years to come.

 

Hope this helps.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

All in kindness,

-Rio

 

Oh my gosh... you just made me cry. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Someone who doesn't judge me for what I did, but rather provide a open and honest answer to my drama and tell me where I need to pick up the pieces.

 

THANK YOU ever so much!

 

--- littleroom

[lovelorcet]

As always, very well said Rio...

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

It's true what 'they' say: ..the truth can hurt....but it can also help you to heal.

 

*And hold you're head up doing it.*

 

You're gonna be ok.

 

 

Yours,

-Rio

 

P.S. There's nothing wrong with tears. They're cleansing.