A Few Months Down the Road

[riobikini]

Back a few months ago I was posting in the 'Breakup/Coping' forums and -just like most of you- I was dealing with bruised, hurt, and confusing emotions.

 

I don't feel any of that now.

 

(Smile)

 

Actually, I feel better, stronger -and more confident and positive than ever.

 

Going through it wasn't easy, -but I was determined to deal with it, recover from it, and get on with my life.

 

Here is what want you to see: I didn't *give in* to looking back (that only prolongs the recovery). I finally had to come to grips with the fact that if I *truly* wanted to move on that I needed to give myself adequate time to greive the loss but avoid the temptation to go overboard with it, and fiercely hold to my resolution to remain in No Contact , i.e. no phone calls (made or returned), no emails exchanged (use my block feature for emails), no lunches together, no contact whatsoever.

 

You see, it's always the *contact* that keep the emotions stirred and active. And if emotions are stirred, you remain trapped in that 'go-nowhere' zone and you *can't possibly* recover and move on.

 

I'm not saying to run from what you feel, -I'm saying *deal with it*, roll with the punches that you can't avoid (the memories and leftover emotions), -but be smart enough to learn to dodge the direct hits, and for God's sake, don't stand there with the door open, inviting the flow of all that pain into your life.

 

Fact: If you chase after him/her, keep that contact going, and/or *deliberately* make time to devote to keeping your painful break fresh and alive, you become a nuisance, a waste of time to advise, and a depresssing and frustrating person to be around, (except for those who enjoy high drama).

 

In other words, if you choose to toy with 'No Contact', or abuse the basic concept of it, you have no right to complain. You appear as a foolish, hard-headed child who chooses to wallow in his/her own misery -created for the most part- by *his/her own* doing.

 

None of this is stated with the harshness in which it may be interpreted. All of it is derived directly from my own personal experiences with breakups and my recovery from them.

 

It *does* get better with time.

 

But *only* if you are serious about moving ahead with your life.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[superconductor]

This should be pinned as a MUST-READ.

 

Well done, and congrats, Rio.

[amaysngrace]

Congratulations, Rio, on getting to that happy place inside yourself.

 

Don't go and desert us now, kay?

[silentcharon]

That's where I am right now too, Rio! *high fives you* Good for you!

[Brittanyjean06]

Rio,

 

How have you become such a good writer? Do you read alot? I know reading expands vocabulary ! haha

[In Sync]

Once again a brilliant post Rio!

 

It's amazing and tragic that so many people will read your post and see the truth of your words and then in the next breath continue to breaking NC and question why they are still suffering...

perhap it's because healing is a lone process...and when you are alone it's too challenging to really commit to NC. It takes overwhelming strength. You are a testament to that. Thanks for always sharing your wisdom.

[riobikini]

re:

 

BrittaneyJean: " Rio, How have you become such a good writer? Do you read alot? I know reading expands vocabulary ! "

 

Read, learn, write, teach, counsel, listen, share...all of those things are part of the human experience....and what we *all* are meant to do *with* or *without* a professional shingle.

 

 

 

Amaysngrace: " Congratulations, Rio, on getting to that happy place inside yourself.

 

Don't go and desert us now, kay?"

 

Not a chance. (Smile).

 

Sticking to my volunteer roots (Tennessee Volunteer) I couldn't posssibly bring myself to become a deserter regarding *any worthy* cause.

 

 

 

Superconductor: " This should be pinned as a MUST-READ.

 

Well done, and congrats, Rio."

 

(Smile) I agree it's very good advice, but there are a thousand other posts embedded in these forums that also nail down the bottom line on recovery. Yet, (sadly) those examples -though full of nitty-gritty experiential advice- are seldom heeded. Still, thank you for your sincere words, SC.

 

 

 

Silentcharon: " That's where I am right now too, Rio! *high fives you* Good for you! "

 

High-fives right back atcha! And stay with the plan. (Smile).

 

 

 

InSync: " It's amazing and tragic that so many people will read your post and see the truth of your words and then in the next breath continue to breaking NC and question why they are still suffering...

perhap it's because healing is a lone process...and when you are alone it's too challenging to really commit to NC. It takes overwhelming strength. You are a testament to that. Thanks for always sharing your wisdom."

 

The 'alone-time' *is* challenging, InSync, -and I agree that it takes determination to be successful with NC- but I truly believe it's acheivable by *anyone* who genuinely wants it.

 

As for any wisdom I might have -the greatest part of that only comes from my experiences with my own failures and successes, and observing the failures and successes of others. (Smile) And sometimes I am convinced the best and most valuable lessons were the ones I gained through my failures.

 

How lucky am I to have made so many....(Smile).

 

All of you take care, -and thank you for your comments, encouragement, and inspiration.

 

Yours,

-Rio

[l2hvn]

Thanks for your post, Rio.

 

It has been 6 weeks and counting for me since the breakup and last contact made with him. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions... some days I'm fine, other days I'm not. Just the other day, I was missing him and almost tempted to call him --- just to hear his voice. But thankfully, I did not. I did not want to go back to square 1 again.

 

In the meantime, I try to keep myself busy. But no matter what, there's always some moments where it will hit me, you know? I hate this feeling. I know it will get better. Hopefully sooner!

 

I think 5 more months and I'll be fine!

[Yamaha]

I agree that "No Contact" is a must to recover. I also believe you need to tell yourself that you are ending that chapter in your life and even if you see them you do not want them and you must have that resolve.

 

I think the two of these will keep you strong and let you search of someone worthy of your company.

[Chinook]

You see, it's always the *contact* that keep the emotions stirred and active. And if emotions are stirred, you remain trapped in that 'go-nowhere' zone and you *can't possibly* recover and move on.

 

I'm not saying to run from what you feel, -I'm saying *deal with it*, roll with the punches that you can't avoid (the memories and leftover emotions), -but be smart enough to learn to dodge the direct hits, and for God's sake, don't stand there with the door open, inviting the flow of all that pain into your life.

 

Thanks for this Rio. I'm glad to see you're doing better. Thankyou for posting that.

 

What Rio says is so very true. I'd pretty much dumped all contact and still had to deal with the shenanigans of getting emails regarding the lawyers and the house and why the change over of ownership is taking so fecking long.

 

But today I reached my final straw. I received an email of some description asking me why it is that I had to disappear from his life...? Like, wtf...? I'm supposed to enjoy watching you with someone else...? GET REAL. Oh and did you know, it's so unfair of me to do this to him. Why can't we simply get along and be nice to each other....? Yeah.... If his girlfriend can do it with her ex-boyfriend why can't I do it with him....? I'm just selfish and only thinking about myself. I don't care that he is worried about my welfare and actually cares about me.

 

I didn't reply with the "I'd be watching her if I were you" response that I wanted to give. Instead, I realised after Friday where the letters from the lawyers were supposedly being posted out... I had come to the end point and basically, this is it where there is really nothing else to say and once the i's are dotted and the t's crossed on the paperwork... we get to walk along our separate paths. He knows it too which is why he's probably sticking his heels in. I so desperately want to be feeling better because the pain and trauma of having to listen to him when he calls or mails or sits in front of me in tears about everything which happened.... it's driving me to distraction.

 

So today, I thought about it and I decided sod the lawyers. Sod waiting for the paperwork to be completed. I managed to finally call the web server people at work and block the ex-boyfriend's email at work and then the domain address for his text-to-mail thing. He can't contact me anymore and I'm so glad because I'm sick and tired of getting to the numb place only to have it shattered into a million pieces each time he pretends it's an 'update' on what is happening with the house.... like today.

 

Sod the house. If his lawyers want to contact me they can write or serve papers directly. I don't give a stuff any longer this has now become about self-preservation not about pride or lingering or being anyone's punchbag for when they're feeling low. The other blocks have been in force for months but this text mail one and the work email one have been pretty difficult to get around but like Rio says, if you truly want to heal, you'll fnd a way. One thing which is bothering me right now, is what's next...? Will he find a way aorund it...? But I'm hoping that's just my paranoid mind and that within a few weeks I'll feel more settled.

[LaraV]

The other blocks have been in force for months but this text mail one and the work email one have been pretty difficult to get around but like Rio says, if you truly want to heal, you'll fnd a way. One thing which is bothering me right now, is what's next...? Will he find a way aorund it...? But I'm hoping that's just my paranoid mind and that within a few weeks I'll feel more settled.

 

Chinook - I've become a great admirer of your strength and resolve. The grace with which you've handled all this, amidst the obvious pain, is simply amazing. I can only hope I can recuperate from my recent breakup in such a graceful manner.

 

I'm glad this is all finally coming to an end for you. I'm sure that in itself is difficult, but I know you find comfort in knowing that now you can finally find some peace at last.

[Chinook]

Chinook - I've become a great admirer of your strength and resolve. The grace with which you've handled all this, amidst the obvious pain, is simply amazing. I can only hope I can recuperate from my recent breakup in such a graceful manner.

 

I'm glad this is all finally coming to an end for you. I'm sure that in itself is difficult, but I know you find comfort in knowing that now you can finally find some peace at last.

 

Hi Lara, thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I felt at all graceful yesterday when I was lying on the floor weeping. I don't understand how someone I spent 10 years of my life with, who I know so well... can do what he's doing. I understand he's hurting and he doesn't really want to lose me but wtf, he's with someone else now!!! He doesn't seem to get it that his 'conflict' about how he feels for me and how he feels for her is going to always throw a wildcard into their relationship and undermine it. She knows it as well as he does. He doesn't seem to understand that as long as we two have contact neither of us is going to give 100% to any relationship we're both in... so I did it as much for him as I did it for me. This really is different from the average breakup due to the circumstances of how we were both hurt. But that's not to say that the usual NC thing doesn't apply because it does. I know for a fact that my only chance of healing is by completely cutting him out of my life. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be here. I would rather things weren't this way and hadn't worked out like this but they did and there is nothing I can do about it. Like I said yesterday, this is about self-preservation now and come hell or high water, I come first now. There is no going back. As much as that pains me... and as much as it hurts. It's true.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Chinook: "....not sure I felt at all graceful yesterday when I was lying on the floor weeping. I don't understand how someone I spent 10 years of my life with, who I know so well... this is about self-preservation now and come hell or high water, I come first now. There is no going back..."

 

 

When you've finally committed fully to your goal -when you are absolutely determined to win a battle, complete an especially grueling or painful task; when you are truly ready to cross a threshold into territory that frees you from whatever, whoever, is your personal source of pain- there's *always* this momentary relinquishment of certain pent-up anger that just comes spewing out.

 

(It's just before you take that *deep breath* of resolve.)

 

But it's not 'bad' anger -it's actually very important in directing you to a place of strength and boldness that helps you meet your goal.

 

That anger is simultaneous with the crisp realization of your position, -it's necessary.

 

On real-life battlefields there is a keen awareness of the need for defense, protection, and preservation to self that is spurred by a particular group of similar emotions.

 

In everyday situations it's your own personal *active* defense system kicking in and though we may not want to admit it, anger is an essential part of it.

 

*Without it, we would be as slaves to anyone who wanted to be a master*, accepting any possible kind of abuse, and forfeiting our right to direct our own lives, make our own decisions, and leaving our potential for happiness at the mercy of those who have little or no respect for others, are devoid of compassion, and are willing to take much more than they are ever willing to give back.

 

Take care, Chinook, -wipe your tears, keep your battle gear on- you are doing the right thing.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Chinook]

Thanks Rio, your insights always amaze me. I've sat here today and for the first time I was thinking what it would be like to be 6 months from now, smiling and not hurting so much. Of course I'll never forget him but the pain will have faded some by then and that thought was kinda like a bright beacon of hope.

 

[Sisty]

Thanks for your great advice Rio. I read your replies to many topics as it somehow guides me back to where I need to be. It is like a reminder and then reassurance that things will become better with time and a liitle work on my part....

[riobikini]

re:

 

Sisty: " Thanks for your great advice Rio. I read your replies to many topics as it somehow guides me back to where I need to be. It is like a reminder and then reassurance that things will become better with time and a liitle work on my part.... "

 

Sisty, (I'm smiling as I write this) -a part of what you said (the "guides me back to where I need to be" part) just flattened the overall thought/point or desired outcome of what we have really been discussing here.

 

It's about re-orienting ourselves to who we know we really are -perhaps the person (ourself) we somehow abandoned sometime during the relationship (or during any confusing time in our lives).

 

In romantic relationships many of us are so focused on the needs of our partner that we 'forget' about our own needs, goals, and inherent essentials for having a reasonably happy, balanced life.

 

When that balance is tipped too far in the favor of our partner -and there is little returned, and our needs are not being met- we may not realize it at first, but our brains are naturally programmed to begin to find a solution and we're already automatically directed towards 'fixing' it.

 

Depending on the type of personality and previous experiences we may have, we could take the search for finding a solution to the very limits, -or we could immediately cut and run to protect ourselves.

 

I think most people are somewhere in between.

 

In time we might just discover or realize that the 'solution', -the one we normally desperately search for and spend so much time and thought to attempt to formulate- may not actually be in *our control* -and our answer may simply be to leave the relationship behind.

 

Accepting the fact that we *didn't have the right, nor the power, nor the control* to bring a solution to the relationship -save it- and *make* it work can be just as difficult as the act of truly saying 'goodbye'. Perhaps, even more.

 

When it's done, and we're alone to absorb all the contents of the relationship, our part in it, as well as our partner's, -we tend to second-guess, doubt, and wish for the impossible: that things could have turned out differently.

 

And that brings us full circle to the most important facts: we are only responsible for our *own* acts and decisions; we only have the power and control to direct our *own* lives; and we must never turn our back on the knowledge we have of our *true selves* -our most basic needs, goals, and desires.

 

Broken relationships force the opportunity to reintroduce yourself to yourself. (Smile).

 

And it almost always spurs needed change.

 

Sisty, that unavoidable opportunity, -that painful, unrequested, detested, self-evaluation and little 'sit-down' talk with yourself (and with others) is a tool that life uses often, and it does , indeed, have the power to guide you back to where you need to be.

 

And that's a good thing.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Sisty]

And that brings us full circle to the most important facts: we are only responsible for our *own* acts and decisions; we only have the power and control to direct our *own* lives; and we must never turn our back on the knowledge we have of our *true selves* -our most basic needs, goals, and desires

I think that is what I was trying to say initially...thanks.....

[johnnytable]

How does one deal with indirect contact? I'm having trouble with this one.

 

Tonight my friend told me that he is taking Tango lessons and mentioned that my ex is also taking them there. This was like driving a stake through my heart, as my ex and I used to take dance lessons together and her ability to dance was the thing that attracted me most to her at first. I'm not sure how to get past this one, as now I am just picturing her life again.

 

Obviously my emotions have been stirred. Hearing this made me physically ill, which has not happend since we broke up two months ago. After two months of not seeing her, this made me feel incredibly bad. And to think that I was feeling really good about things the last few days.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Johnnytable: " How does one deal with indirect contact? I'm having trouble with this one."

 

I acknowledged the "indirect contact", too.

 

It can be the worse kind, -not just because you think you're fighting something (someone) you *seem* to have no power to stop nor the tools with which to engage in fair combat (you do, you can), -but rather, because *most people think it's perfectly ok to go right along with the already-present temptation*, and actually invite indirect contact, because it obviously skirts the more apparent issue of genuine, honest-to-goodness 'No Contact' (meaning the direct, and 'in-person' kind).

 

See my first post in this thread:

 

Rio: " Here is what want you to see: I didn't *give in* to looking back (that only prolongs the recovery). I finally had to come to grips with the fact that if I *truly* wanted to move on that I needed to give myself adequate time to greive the loss but avoid the temptation to go overboard with it, and fiercely hold to my resolution to remain in No Contact , i.e. no phone calls (made or returned), no emails exchanged (use my block feature for emails), no lunches together, no contact whatsoever.

 

You see, it's always the *contact* that keep the emotions stirred and active. And if emotions are stirred, you remain trapped in that 'go-nowhere' zone and you *can't possibly* recover and move on.

 

I'm not saying to run from what you feel, -I'm saying *deal with it*, roll with the punches that you can't avoid (the memories and leftover emotions), -but be smart enough to learn to dodge the direct hits, and for God's sake, don't stand there with the door open, inviting the flow of all that pain into your life.

 

The phrase, " ...no contact whatsoever.", includes (Smile) *all forms* of contact.

 

I realize that random thoughts -those appearing out of nowhere, invited or not,- do happen. I also realize they can be frustrating, painful, and in some individuals who process events into emotions and experience them more acutely, the memories and random thoughts possess the potential to surpass the most obvious emotional effects and carry over to the physical.

 

If it's much more than some emotional pain and depression that you feel from these attacks, you may want to seek the help of a professional in regards to coming up with specific methods designed just for you in dealing with them.

 

But some good general methods of dealing with milder attacks of indirect contact (the memories) *do* exist.

 

One of the very best of those methods is to prepare your emotional stance, crank up and know well the capabilities of your own personal emotional 'processing' features, and plan your exit from the memories *before* they come, i.e. purposely summon up and vividly imagine the encounter and try out possible ways to understand, accept, and resolve the memory.

 

It's a *very good* idea to become fully committed to a personal self-improvement program which allows you to examine the details of the broken relationship and resolve each aspect of it -piece by piece- which immediately emerges as a significant issue for you.

 

Don't go overboard and try to deal with *everything* all at once.

 

If you can face the details, and give adequate time (no more, no less) to this potentially very healing exam and eval, you will have begun to meet head-on (in your own time and at your own pace) some of the greatest and most painful issues of the relationship, which can (if done only in doses you *know* you can handle) go along way in promoting your healing and recovery.

 

This will provide a much-needed buffer between some of those more painful, sharper attacks often delivered by 'surprise' or random thoughts and memories, as well as help build confidence in your ability in dealing with very difficult problems and issues.

 

Like the Boy Scouts say, "Be Prepared".

 

(Smile)

 

You *can* do it!

 

Hope this helps, Johnnytable.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[johnnytable]

Thanks Rio.

 

I'll have to think about what you say. I clearly was not prepared for what I heard. In fact my guard was down totally, probably because the last 3-4 days have actually felt good compared to the last several months. I felt like I was finally moving on, I was feeling happy, and then bam I get hit with this like a ton of bricks. It feels like all of my progress has been wiped out. I feel like I love her again and want to be with her.

 

But my brain knows that this is a bad idea not to mention an impossibility.

 

The weird thing is that if it was something like "swimming lessons" it would not have bothered me as much. The dance lessons are a *strong* memory for me especially of me falling in love with her. Hearing that she is back in them and that one of my best friends is attending the same class is very very tough. I'm also scared that this association with my friend will keep the pain going... that when I see him I will think of her. It has already happened since I found out that he was still in contact with her in some way.

[riobikini]

JohnnyT, you can't avoid the whole world (Smile).

 

Let you're friend in on what's happening regarding his taking the dance lessons and inadvertently becoming a reminder of your ex.

 

He probably doesn't even realize there's a problem.

 

There's a good chance that after talking about it he'll have no trouble seeing the situation clearly enough to, at least, avoid bringing up the subject of the dance lessons in your conversations.

 

Also, just talking with him might cause you to refocus your friendship, bring it back to normal, and ease the pressure, pain, and frequency of those unexpected memories.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[johnnytable]

Oh, I let him know last night. I emphasized it pretty heavily as well. I think that he gets the picture now and sees how I was hurting. Apparently he didn't know that I was hurting.

 

BTW, this is the second time that he has done this. The first time I told him my stance, but apparently it was not engrained enough.

 

Regardless it wouldn't seem to matter if I was healed, so I need to get my focus back on that track somehow.

[Last Mohegan]

Rio, my breakup was three months ago and while there has been no "literal" contact, the pain is still as fresh as can be. This may be a "duh" moment but I have been able to keep tabs on my ex through a mutual friend... that's why I'm still in agony, isn't it? Until there is no contact of any kind whatsoever I won't be able to move on?

 

re:

 

I acknowledged the "indirect contact", too.

 

It can be the worse kind, -not just because you think you're fighting something (someone) you *seem* to have no power to stop nor the tools with which to engage in fair combat (you do, you can), -but rather, because *most people think it's perfectly ok to go right along with the already-present temptation*, and actually invite indirect contact, because it obviously skirts the more apparent issue of genuine, honest-to-goodness 'No Contact' (meaning the direct, and 'in-person' kind).

 

[riobikini]

re:

 

Last Mohegan: " Rio, my breakup was three months ago and while there has been no "literal" contact, the pain is still as fresh as can be. This may be a "duh" moment but I have been able to keep tabs on my ex through a mutual friend... that's why I'm still in agony, isn't it? Until there is no contact of any kind whatsoever I won't be able to move on?"

 

I think when *anyone* skirts an issue (avoids it) -they'e asking for a prolonged outcome.

 

If you are keeping tabs on her, you haven't accepted that she's gone; you're hoping.

 

Face the music. Grasp the truth of the circumstances.

 

With a breakup, avoiding the truth is a way we *believe* we can escape some of the pain from the hard facts.

 

But refusing to accept it's over when it's truly over after a prolonged period only causes a more peculiar anguish.

 

Usually, it's the most hardheaded of us -those who won't accept any answer but their own- who do this despite what we know in our gut.

 

So we pursue a one-sided relationship, or one that's bad for us, or simply one that we're not ready for.

 

The pursuit can become all-consuming. A little on the daft side. We stop confiding and relating to others (because they call what we're doing 'stalking'); we say we're ok (we're anything but 'ok'); lying to ourselves is ok (we do it often); we have no time for other people (because all we do is spend our time thinking up clever ways to get him/her back); we're exhausted (but even if we could sleep, we'd dream about him/her); we can't eat (but we're planning how we can snag a lunch with him/her just to 'talk').

 

So we ignore all our gut instincts (and maybe some almighty red flags, besides) and are driven by the pursuit.

 

We justify it. Glamourize it. Defend it to ourselves (and others) as something that just has to be done.

 

We say we're still "in love".

 

Depending on the person and the circumstances, that may or may not be true, at all.

 

But no matter if it is, indeed, true love or not, when a breakup happens, it's time to review the facts, -and no one stands a good chance of seeing the facts so close to the distraction.

 

It's always best to step away, be alone, and let yourself breath in a space no so close to your love interest.

 

It's strange that, in some of the most intense romantic relationships, after taking some time to be away from someone you believe you loved, how much more clearly you can see your position in the relationship, -and how that 'cooling off' period helps to refocus all you believed you knew, -and felt.

 

While some couples are afraid that spending time apart will cause love to fade and die, I feel that spending *some* time away from your partner is necessary because it tests feelings and behavior to learn the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, and is time well-spent when each of the partners use it to re-evaluate, and remind themselves of their inherent needs and desires regarding the relationship, and is a great opportunity to spot and weed out any unreasonable expectations, or unattainable fantasical wishes that may be present, -yours or theirs.

 

During a breakup, doing this kind of review with serious effort and determination is helpful in getting over the threshold where many linger with hope that someone they love (or are terribly infatuated with) will come back.

 

Depending on whether you are at the beginning of the breakup or many months down the road, choosing to remain in that prolonged state of hope can cause you to create some very fantasical mental scenarios where you win him/her back.

 

And entertaining those scenarios often -a serious kind of *hope*- certainly has the ability to keep you hostage.

 

As I have repeatedly suggested, give those memories their due -nothing more- but look for sensible methods that help you to absolutely accept the ending to worthless, unhealthy, or malformed relationships.

 

Being directed or compelled to end a relationship of some kind is something we will *all* be confronted with over and over again in our lives.

 

Our hope should be reserved for the tremendous effort required in letting go of someone, and to learn how to do it with determination, resolve; with diplomacy and tact; with compassion, decency, and as much grace as we can muster -and always with intelligence.

 

Hope this helps.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

I was reading through some of the prior posts here and on the same subject elsewhere...and I cannot believe I am about to write this but...my ex actually did me a favor. I remembered agonizing and being distraught that he could so cruelly and how could he be so cold to just disappear not word nothing and on and on I went about not ever hearing from him and NOW I see that was about the most descent thing he's ever done. I have been spared through NC and his choice to vanish any prolonged and additional pain. It's dawned on me that though his act was meant as a bad thing God turned it to a good thing. The more I read here, with a mixture of sadness and admiration of those on LS, who try to come to terms about accepting their pain and yet maintaining contact with their ex, knowing the outcome is not going anywhere I think being in your shoes and given that choice that would be too much for me. I know myself well enough to think I would have stayed in that stuck position because I would have thought by clinging to hope things woud reverse and I would have willingly subject myself to more pain and humiliation. Had he not just ceased calling and been a giver of crumbs in would continue to be hooked on him. But in truth the ex's choice to drop out of sight and NC have been a blessing.

I did not escape the pain of healing but knowing what I do now...any false hope from him and the humiliation from that would have just been worse to deal with as I would have to face reality.