Ex girlfriend says she wants to cool off

[john1776]

I've got a problem. I've been dating my ex gf for over 3.5 years. We got into an argument this evening and now she says she wants time to cool off.

 

Basically what happened was that we were riding in the car back from the grocery store and my favorite song came on the tape I was playing. She asked me a question and I was so engrossed in the song I turned up the tape. Then she turned off the tape and ejected it and I started laughing because I thought it was funny that she turned off the tape at the same time that my favorite song came on. I think that was what made her upset.

 

Then we talked about it and I admitted to her that I was wrong and that I won't let it happen again. She then asked me "which do you think is better:you leave right now and let me cool off or stick around and I would contine to be upset?" I answered her by saying "I would like to stay but if my presence is upsetting you then I will leave." Then she said "it's not that I'm upset but rather your presence is distressing me." Then she says "Now that I think about it I can't really say I'm upset with you but rather I am disappointed."

 

So I told her I understood. Then she said "just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you. I still love you but I just need time to cool off." Then she kissed me and told me to go in the house and tell her parents bye. After that I left. This happened a couple hours ago. Should I take her words to mean that she really is breaking up with me but that she's just trying to let me down easy?

 

I know I made the right decision to leave almost immediately at her request. I don't question that. I don't question that applying no contact is the best route to take at this point. I understand that calling her will only serve to irritate her since she needs time away from me to cool off. It's going to be hard for me to implenent strict no contact. It was hard enough for me to leave her house earlier.

 

My natural impulses were to talk her into letting me stay but I did not give in. I did not beg her to let me stay. I did not panic. I have not called her since I left her house and I don't plan to. I can't help but think that she may never call me. Should I go ahead and consider this a break up?

[burning 4 revenge]

I thought she was your x-girlfriend?

 

I'm not going to start the misogyny, but we both know women are crazy

[john1776]

I'm just assuming she's my ex as of a few hours ago.

[burning 4 revenge]

John, if she's breaking up with you, it can't be over this.

 

Is it that you don't have much sexual intamacy? Do you have performance issues? It's okay if you do, I have ED and it ruined my last relationship.

 

If you want to talk about it that's what these boards are for.

[john1776]

Ok she just pmed me a gesture and then a few minutes later she asks if I'm going to talk to her. I haven't responded to any of her pms yet. Then she buzzes me a couple times on yahoo and sends a pm saying "fine be that way!" I'm pretending to be away from the computer. I don't know if I should respond to her or not.

[john1776]

Ok here's another update. Since she could not get a hold of me on yahoo messenger or paltalk she signs offline and calls me. I wait 3.5 rings before answering the phone just so she does not think I'm sitting around desperately waiting for her call.

 

I said to her "I thought you wanted time to cool off" and she says "I have cooled off" and I said "that was fast". Then we talked about what each other did the rest of this evening since I left her house.

 

I ended the conversation first by telling her "I think I'm going to hit the sack now" then she tells me she loves me and I say "I love you" back. Then we both hang up. I want to get everyone's input on this.

 

Do you think I made a mistake answering the phone or should I have ignored the call and let it go to voicemail? I'm not questioning whether or not I played my cards right in the other things. I believe I did the right thing leaving her house almost immediately when she requested it. I did the right thing by not initiating any contact.

[norajane]

Why are you being so childish about this? She was irritated and (like a grown up) wanted to get away from the aggravation so she could calm down. She TOLD you she just needed to cool off and wasn't breaking up with you. So, you immediately question whether she's breaking up with you, and now you're playing games and not responding to her reaching out. So, basically, she had cooled off and contacted you, but now is even MORE irritated with you for ignoring her.

 

I know you've got your little set of strict rules about how often you call her for every 3 times she calls you, and about how you'll only take her out once every couple of weeks and you've got it down to the penny how much you'll spend, and how you don't like sex so you don't have it...it's a very rare girl who would put up with you.

 

A lot of other women would have ripped you a new ******* in the car instead of taking some time to let her irration die down. Why treat her like sh*t when she's being an adult and dealing with her feelings like an adult?

[john1776]

I never said I don't like having sex. I said I don't like having intercourse. There's different forms of sexual contact that do not involve intercourse. I think it's a very rare girl who would put up with a guy pursuing her desperately especially when she has specifically requested a cool off time.

 

I didn't pursue her when she requested that I leave her house. I left her alone. I left her house in a dignified way. She didn't have to demand me to go. I didn't beg her. I didn't insist on staying. Those are good qualities. I did not initiate contact. Instead I played the waiting game.

 

I never said how much money per date I'm going to spend. I said that how much money I spend on her is up to me. Our relationship does not depend on money. If it did then it would be fake. How much money a man spends on a woman entitles him to nothing not even sex. Maybe you love your guy for his money I don't know.

[kbah]

I can't believe I have ever taken any advice from John.

 

Are you three?

[john1776]

I'm going to go for a walk a little later this afternoon and go to the gym and finish cutting my grass. I also have a few projects in the garage to work on. This might be worth some luck to help me get my mind off my ex.

 

It's time for self improvement. I'm getting a haircut too. I haven't eaten anything except for an apple today. I don't have much of an appetite because I'm depressed.

[norajane]

I'm going to go for a walk a little later this afternoon and go to the gym and finish cutting my grass. I also have a few projects in the garage to work on. This might be worth some luck to help me get my mind off my ex.

 

It's time for self improvement. I'm getting a haircut too. I haven't eaten anything except for an apple today. I don't have much of an appetite because I'm depressed.

 

I'm going to go vacuum the rug so when my honey comes over after work, we can roll around on it together.

 

Enjoy your afternoon!

[john1776]

I hope everyone is holding out ok. I got alot accomplished today like I said I would. I finished mowing my lawn and I just got in from a walk. I haven't said anything to my ex today and I don't plan to for awhile. I don't know whether or not I'll answer the phone if/when she calls.

[britchick]

John 1776 - Are you serious???

It sounds to me that because your girlfriend (sorry ex-girlfriend) wanted to cool off a bit (sensibly) you think she now has the upper hand or control and you are trying to take it back by messing with her head. What you are doing is really manipulative. Just talk to her.

[john1776]

Well I spent the weekend away hiking in the mountains alone. I hiked approximately 10 miles. I went to a sporting goods store and bought some hiking boots. I took my army backpack with me along with sandwiches and gatarade and peanut butter crackers. I figured it was worth some luck to take my mind off of my ex.

 

She called me again Saturday night but I did not answer. I let the call go to voicemail. Her voicemail said "hey dear I just wanted to see what you were doing. I got some more of those cupon booklets for discount rates for motels love you bye." Then she calls again twice Sunday night.

 

First time I didn't answer. I let it go to voicemail. Her voicemail says "I suspect you have been avoiding me call me back tomorrow afternoon love you bye." The 2nd time she calls (which is 1 hour later) I answer but I keep it short and end the conversation first with the excuse that I'm going back to sleep. Just as I try to end the conversation she says she'll talk to me later today.

 

This no contact strategy is working. I have her on the chase again. I'm still not going to initiate contact but I will be careful not to overstay my welcome during the times I respond to her calls. How much of an effort she goes to prove to me that she really wants me and loves me will determine whether I stick with no contact or drop it to reduced contact. Reduced contact means I call her once for every 3 times she calls me.

 

This is a typical example of how a balanced guy like caliguy would say "establishes boundaries and strictly enforces reprecussions when a woman crosses them." The reprecussion for her asking for time to cool off is that I may not always be available to take her calls.

 

I'll keep everyone posted but I just want her to remember that I was the one who got away when she asked for space. I wasn't the one she had to push away. She will remember I was man enough to walk away and not some wuss that she had to push away. I am a skeptic. The fact that she is calling is not sufficient proof that she wants me. I want to know why she's calling.

[john1776]

Well I finally broke no contact by calling her this afternoon. She was happy to hear from me but she suggested that I take a nap and call her back later this evening. She could tell by the sound of my voice that I was tired. I would go and visit her today if I wasn't so tired but I'm going to stay home tonight. I'm too tired to drive anywhere.

[leopardprint]

This no contact strategy is working. I have her on the chase again. How much of an effort she goes to prove to me that she really wants me and loves me will determine whether I stick with no contact or drop it to reduced contact.

 

You HAVE to be kidding me. I've never been mean or negative to a poster on LS.org, but this is going too far.

 

What you're doing to this girl is ABSOLUTELY WRONG. You're playing mind games with her. If YOU really cared and loved her, you wouldn't be playing these childish games of leading her on, and not talking to her, and trying to punish her for doing NOTHING wrong.

 

I don't know if I missed a post, but from the first one in this thread she OBVIOUSLY did NOT break up with you.

 

Then she said "just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you. I still love you but I just need time to cool off."

 

Um, HELLO?! You said it yourself - she TOOOOLD you she was NOT breaking up with you.

 

She got mad, as people do, and asked you NICELY to let her cool down... and what did she do? She cooled down and called you right away! She didn't wait a week, or a month, or a year; she takes only a few hours! And you then ignore her like a child! That is such an irresponsible, immature thing to do to someone you claim you love and care about.

 

Ugh, do her the favor and leave her already. You're not ready for her maturity.

[dreamguy]

All right, John you have to remember you have been dating this girl for the last 3.5 years.

It's not like you just met her a few weeks ago.

3.5 years is a long time mate. Long enough for you to have a pretty good idea about her personality, the games she plays (if any) and, most importantly, her interest level for you.

 

Talking about a woman's interest level, it just doesn't fade/drop overnight! It often takes weeks and even months. We guys often think it happened overnight because we fail to take the hints she gives us every day (over a very long period of time) as her feelings for us start to decrease.

So, concerning this issue, I say burning 4 revenge is right: "John, if she's breaking up with you, it can't be over this."

 

But... there's an "IF". John, I have to agree with other members on this forum that your gf wasn't necessarily breaking up with you.

Sadly, that's about the only thing I will agree to.

 

Let me explain my point of view:

Let me start by stressing that I DO NOT encourage you to become an insensitive jerk at all... but you have to stop acting like a wimp man.

I would also like to stress that it is not my intention to be rude so don't take my harsh replies as an insult, you wanted my honest opinion and I'm giving it to you.

 

1)

She asks what is better: That you stay and upset her or leave right now and let her cool off. And you answer: If my presence is upsetting you I'll leave ?

John, what you should have done was calmly drive her home and as you reach her house you should have told her "I really think you should take some time to think things over and cool down. Goodnight". And you should have left.

 

No apologies, no worrying that your presence is unwanted/upsetting.

 

2)

She then said: Just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you".

Come again ? She is sending you home ? What is this ? Kindergarden ? And what's worse is how she goes even further by telling/politely ordering you to go inside and tell her parents bye !

Why would you go inside the house to tell someone "bye" and leave when you were outside in the first place ? I would understand it if they were at the door or if you went inside to talk to her... but to park your car, go down and into the house to just say "bye" and leave ? I don't know.

It sounds like she's your mother and you're her boy.

 

On the other hand, let me congratulate you for not asking her to let you stay.

 

Stop focusing on the possibility that your gf is breaking up with you and start concentrating on how you should act to prevent this from really happening if you really love her.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her initiate the calls and then you always end them first. Why ? because she was upset with you over a trivial issue. It's not like you betrayed her or insulted her.

I don't think no contact is needed here. Let her come to you. Be a challenge. Answer her calls but just don't blindly reciprocate by telling her "I love you too" when she says "I love you".

Next time she says "I love you" try this... tell her "I know" (Like Hans Solo aka Harrison Ford did in the original Start Wars when Princess Lea admitted her love. The director initially had a different reply and Harrison Ford was supposed to say "I love you too" but they ended up changing it into a more challenging response).

 

It might start over a silly argument like the one you have but you got to be on the lookout for the possibility of underlying deeper issues like your woman gradually losing interest in you. Believe me it happens after 3.5 years if you don't know how to keep her on her toes.

What I'm saying is you have to keep your eyes open like a love detective. I'm not saying you should exhibit paranoid behavior or be jealous, I'm only telling you to secretly read between the lines and always anticipate problems (like her dropping interest level in you) before sh*t hits the fan and it becomes too late.

[john1775]

All right, John you have to remember you have been dating this girl for the last 3.5 years.

It's not like you just met her a few weeks ago.

3.5 years is a long time mate. Long enough for you to have a pretty good idea about her personality, the games she plays (if any) and, most importantly, her interest level for you.

 

Talking about a woman's interest level, it just doesn't fade/drop overnight! It often takes weeks and even months. We guys often think it happened overnight because we fail to take the hints she gives us every day (over a very long period of time) as her feelings for us start to decrease.

So, concerning this issue, I say burning 4 revenge is right: "John, if she's breaking up with you, it can't be over this."

 

But... there's an "IF". John, I have to agree with other members on this forum that your gf wasn't necessarily breaking up with you.

Sadly, that's about the only thing I will agree to.

 

Let me explain my point of view:

Let me start by stressing that I DO NOT encourage you to become an insensitive jerk at all... but you have to stop acting like a wimp man.

I would also like to stress that it is not my intention to be rude so don't take my harsh replies as an insult, you wanted my honest opinion and I'm giving it to you.

 

1)

She asks what is better: That you stay and upset her or leave right now and let her cool off. And you answer: If my presence is upsetting you I'll leave ?

John, what you should have done was calmly drive her home and as you reach her house you should have told her "I really think you should take some time to think things over and cool down. Goodnight". And you should have left.

 

No apologies, no worrying that your presence is unwanted/upsetting.

 

2)

She then said: Just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you".

Come again ? She is sending you home ? What is this ? Kindergarden ? And what's worse is how she goes even further by telling/politely ordering you to go inside and tell her parents bye !

Why would you go inside the house to tell someone "bye" and leave when you were outside in the first place ? I would understand it if they were at the door or if you went inside to talk to her... but to park your car, go down and into the house to just say "bye" and leave ? I don't know.

It sounds like she's your mother and you're her boy.

 

On the other hand, let me congratulate you for not asking her to let you stay.

 

Stop focusing on the possibility that your gf is breaking up with you and start concentrating on how you should act to prevent this from really happening if you really love her.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her initiate the calls and then you always end them first. Why ? because she was upset with you over a trivial issue. It's not like you betrayed her or insulted her.

I don't think no contact is needed here. Let her come to you. Be a challenge. Answer her calls but just don't blindly reciprocate by telling her "I love you too" when she says "I love you".

Next time she says "I love you" try this... tell her "I know" (Like Hans Solo aka Harrison Ford did in the original Start Wars when Princess Lea admitted her love. The director initially had a different reply and Harrison Ford was supposed to say "I love you too" but they ended up changing it into a more challenging response).

 

It might start over a silly argument like the one you have but you got to be on the lookout for the possibility of underlying deeper issues like your woman gradually losing interest in you. Believe me it happens after 3.5 years if you don't know how to keep her on her toes.

What I'm saying is you have to keep your eyes open like a love detective. I'm not saying you should exhibit paranoid behavior or be jealous, I'm only telling you to secretly read between the lines and always anticipate problems (like her dropping interest level in you) before sh*t hits the fan and it becomes too late.

 

 

Well she did call me a couple hours ago. I agree with you for the most part. I had an opportunity to put the tools into practice that you talked about but I gave a slightly different reply than what you suggested when she said "I love you". I replied by saying "yeah I know me too." She then said "you're supposed to say i love you too" Then I said "I did say it." She replied "but I want to hear you say the exact words." Then I gave in and said "I love you too." Only because I was afraid she was getting suspicious as to why I came up with a different response.

 

What do you think? I didn't see the movie you were talking about so I wouldn't know the tone of voice in which the character said "I know." Maybe that was my mistake this evening. Maybe my tone of voice was not right. How did he say it? I'm thinking of a different response for next time she says "I love you." I'm going to say "ditto" like Patrick Swayze replied to Denni Moore in the movie "Ghost". Have you seen that movie? What do you think of the "ditto" response? Is it challenging? Does it keep mystery?

 

I still ended the phone conversation first but I stayed on the line longer than I should have for like a good 35 minutes. It's my natural impulse to overstay my welcome with her on the phone so I need to work to fight against that impulse. When do you think I should initiate contact again? I was thinking of calling her once for every 3 times she calls me. What do you suggest? I don't plan to initiate affection or sex for awhile either.

[JaneInVegas]

Okay, I want to make sure I'm getting this straight ...

 

You're driving down the road, and you inadvertently turn up the radio when she was trying to talk to you ... and this somehow wound up in a 'break up' talk?

 

Assuming this is true, I'm sorry you have such an emotional, drama entrenched female on your hands.

 

I haven't read all the posts past your original one, sorry, so I don't know what the updates are, etc. However, speaking as a FEMALE, I say it's time for you to rethink being with someone who could be so moody and emotional over something this .... trivial!! Surely you explained your point of view, right? And she understood you were enjoying music instead of trying to drown her out?

 

No offense to the one you care about, but it's women like this that give the rest of a bad, "emotional" name.

 

Good luck to you, you're going to need it if you stay with her long term!

[john1775]

Now that dreamguy has mentioned it it does bother me that she would request space to cool off over something so trivial. I made a simple mistake.

 

At this time I suspect there is a deeper issue going on with her but I cannot put my finger on it yet. I'm keeping my eyes open. Yes rest assured I will be a love detective. I got soft for awhile but now I'm red alert.

 

I don't think dumping her is the answer at least not yet. I consider that to be a last resort. That has to be my call. I'm not the type of guy who can change partners the way we all change our clothes.

 

I'll just have to wait and see how things pan out over the next 6 months. I'll be watching for changes in her behavior, calling patterns, sexual moods, etc.

[littlekitty]

Assuming this is true, I'm sorry you have such an emotional, drama entrenched female on your hands.

 

No offence, but from what I'm reading, John is the drama queen.

 

He seems to over analyse everything.....!!

[john1775]

No offence, but from what I'm reading, John is the drama queen.

 

He seems to over analyse everything.....!!

 

 

It's called staying on one's toes. Your post gives people an excuse to get too comfortable in their relationships. I wish caliguy was here to comment on my situation. Dreamguy is one of the few posters on here who is talking some sense.

[Touche]

Love Detective? Calling Patterns?

 

Okie Dokie...Good luck with that!

 

And why do you keep quoting CaliGuy as if he's your mentor? Are you not aware that he went against everything he spoke about and became pretty much his ex's lap dog? No offense to the guy. He seemed like a really nice guy and all but she said "jump" and he pretty much said "how high."

[dreamguy]

Definitions of ditto on the Web:

repeat an action or statement; "The next speaker dittoed her argument"

 

Definitions of challenge on the Web:

a demanding or stimulating situation; "they reacted irrationally to the challenge of Russian power".

questioning a statement and demanding an explanation; "his challenge of the assumption that Japan is still our enemy".

 

Yes I have seen the movie "Ghost" a long time ago.

Clearly you can see that "ditto" is no challenge at all.

There's no challenge in repeating something. It's exactly as if she says "I love you" and you repeat "I love you too".

Personally, and especially after your girl has tried imposing on you a certain behavior (like going in to say goodnight to her parents then sending you home and/or saying "you're supposed to say i love you too") I think you should have answered: "and you're supposed to make me feel it deeply in order for me to say it".

 

Good thing about always ending the phone conversations first... but don't let it drag for 35 minutes. The phone has a different meaning for women than to us men. We like to use the phone for its practicality, they enjoy discussing a lot of personal/important issues over the phone

 

I don't know if you should count how many times she calls to decide if you can/should call back. I think you should only call back when you feel a positive vibe from her (granted, you shouldn't call all the time or many times in a row).

 

It's good to be a love detective, just don't let her find out about it as you will most likely come across as an insecure individual. Do it with the utmost secrecy and never get caught/admit doing it !

 

About dumping her, you should ask yourself if this will get you the results you want.

If you're dumping her in the hope of putting pressure on her by making her realize what she has lost then don't do it. It might backfire on you if she goes along with the plan and never contacts you again. You will then find yourself breaking your decision and chasing her again. You'll look worse than in the beginning.

If you're dumping her because you feel you have come to the sincere/solid conclusion she's not the woman you want. Then by all means do it. Your wallet and your heart will both thank you for it. That goes for both men and women. I'm not here to attack women as I think guys can be real jerks too.

 

Don't just sit around and wait for her during 6 months !

6 months is a pretty long time to waste like that, for something that's not even garantueed to work. Those 180 days will never come back !!

If she's not giving you the sincerity/commitment you deserve then date other girls even if she finds out about it from someone else (just don't go tell her yourself ! because you will lose all credibility).

[JaneInVegas]

No offence, but from what I'm reading, John is the drama queen.

 

He seems to over analyse everything.....!!

 

 

Overkill is never a good thing, but at least he's putting some thought into it. My boyfriend couldn't care less about anything, and if he would ever put the effort into analyzing ANYthing it would be a miracle!

 

But that's beside the point - this whole thing started because she thought he was trying to drown her out with music (if I'm reading this correctly). This resulted in their having a BREAK UP TALK.

 

Over analyzation (sp?) is not really a definition of being a Drama Queen, I'd say being so moody over such a trivial thing is!