After 10yrs she left because she don't love me anymore.

[MattN]

I would have been married to my wife for 8yrs coming up this sept. 26 we have been together for 10 and she has just left me about 4 days ago. I am 34 and she will be 31 this October. We have a 5yr old son together and she left because she doesn't love me anymore due to lack of intimacy(we still had sex often but I could tell she wasn't completly there). Everything seem to start to change after we had our son, her job wasn't good enough so she quit and I supported her to try and go to school but that hasn't been going well. She hates the house we picked out together and it seems like everything else also, thing ring isn't good enough, the wedding reception hall wasn't good enough, the Jeep she drives etc. The main thing is the lack of intimacy for the past couple years, she says I should have noticed all these things by myself and by the time she decided to really talk to me and tell me the problems it was really too late she had apparently already stopped loving me. There isn't anyone else involved and neither of us have ever cheated.

 

I have tried and tried to spend time with her for the last few months but she was already gone and gave me a false sense of hope that we were working on things but when really she didn't love me and has wanted to leave. Of course I have looked back on these last few years and see the lack of intimacy from her but I thought she was going through something and its hard to know things when she telling you one thing but feeling another. I realize that theres no answers anyone can give me but I guess its just hard to accept that after 10 yrs someone just gives up and acts like maybe they settled and it was all a mistake. I have already tried asking her to try therapy or a seperation and she says no to therapy because they can't tell her how she feels and nobody can control who they love and she says she doesn't want to give me hope so not to think of it as a seperation but as it being final.

 

She also has just left everything, she got most of her clothes the last few days but other then that she has left everything else and still has keys to the house and the garage door opener. I assume to go in and out when she wants to get stuff for our son since he will have a hard time with the transition. She moved back to her parents and plans on staying there for the next 4 yrs till she finishes school or whatever. She has sent mixed signals also like if your not in love with me and are planning leaving me for awhile why would she be picking out new furniture and talking about repainting the walls etc? and I just assumed if shes so far gone and had been planning to leave me for awhile she would have got all her stuff and been done with it. Of course I could be reading too much into all this but it still seems weird.

 

Another thing that bothers me is we got our house together and everything in it together and she just expects me to keep the house for our sons sake like I have no emotional ties to it at all and that I shouldn't have any problems covering the bills since I have been doing it while she has went to school anyway. Apparently she hasn't heard me when I told her we have been having financial problems which is why our cell phones turned off is because of non-payment.

 

I guess I'm justing having a hard time dealing with it all and especially since there has been no closure and probably never will and I just feel betrayed and abandoned since marriage isn't always easy and it takes a lot of work and communication and I feel like things got tough and she just gave up. Part of me wants to hope that shes going through something with all the stress of school and everything and she needs some time to herself to hopefully see what she really feels but then another part of me thinks shes probably been gone too long and it will never come back.

 

She has taken her ring off of course but hasn't given it back and also hasn't even mentioned divorce. I know women aren't obligated to give the ring back but since the diamond has been in my moms family for so long I thought she might. When she went with my mom to talk to her after this all went down she asked my mom if she wanted it back and my mom told her that if she didn't like the ring or didn't want it to give it back but that she wouldn't make the decision for her.

 

I guess I really don't know where to go from here, I know I need to be strong for my son and I will be its just very hard. She holds alll the cards and I know shes at the point where she needs to be away from me so I am leaving her alone but being civil when I pick my son up etc but I just don't see how I can move forward until she really ends it all if even then and then I'm also confused about what to do when our anniversary comes up. I guess if we aren't together then it isn't an anniversary but my feelings for her are the same.

[JamesM]

That is a sad story...and it sounds quite hopeless...BUT as many can tell you here...it is NOT hopeless. I don't have any questions, but I do wonder why she suddenly felt that separation is the answer. She may have been giving "signals" all along. Some women...and men...are not direct with their communication. This is part of the problem.

 

You say there is no one else, but has she been spending time with anyone since the separation? Have either of you ever been involved with porn? (Sounds irrelevant, but I have learned to ask any question that comes to mind).

 

My first suggestion is to read a book by Michele Weiner Davis called Divorcebusting. This may be very helpful in your situation. It will give you an idea as to which direction to go now. She also has a Board and has written many books which are very helpful.

 

Also, read through the many threads which sound like your situation. You will be surprised as to what you may find. I found this Board very helpful. My situation wasn't quite the same, but many here could relate to mine. I think you will find the same.

 

Do not give up. You have a son together...it would be very beneficial for you to try and solve the problem. At least if it doesn't work out...and truthfully, I think it can...then you have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave it your best effort.

[Feeling Unloved Wife]

I am sorry that is happening to you but let her go and find herself.

[MattN]

I just now realized I posted in the wrong forum..

 

 

thanks for the reply. all I can really do now is make it day to day.

[MattN]

She has spent some time with her friends more lately but thats about it.

 

As far as porn really only me but I have always been into porn even in the begenning but probably more so now due to lack of intimacy.

[norajane]

Go to stopyourdivorce.com and see if you can start implementing those guidelines.

[MattN]

Thanks for the link most of the advise is the same and since she has left I have not bothered her at all. When I pick up my son I'm very civil and to the point and go about business. I plan on keeping this additude and just concentrating on me and my son and keeping myself busy by doing things around the house and taking care of things I have put off. My question is do I take my ring off leave it on and also do I casually tell her that I'm ok with things and agree with her or just keep the way I am and pretend things are okay?

[norajane]

Of course I have looked back on these last few years and see the lack of intimacy

 

Yes, tell her that she's right and you agree with her. Tell her that you don't want to be in a marriage that lacks intimacy either, or with a woman who is not happy being with you. Tell her that, since she's not interested in working on your marriage, she's right to leave so you can both start moving on with your lives.

 

The ring, I don't know. Take it off if you can bring yourself to do that at this point.

[MattN]

Will do but I honestly don't think I'm emotionally ready to take the ring off yet so I won't. All of this has helped me a lot and I really feel now I can make it through this even if I have to pretend when I am around her.

[Gunny376]

For you there Pal, you're in the driver's seat of your life ~ its your life ~ your calling the shots here, when it comes to your life. you want to wear the ring ~ wear it. You don't ~ don't when your emotionally stable.

 

Yea! Now's the time to "man-up" in front of her and your son. For the love of God, maintain your dignity.

[Ladyjane14]

So, I'm a bit uncertain as to who was responsible for the "lack of intimacy"?

Are we talking emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy? If sexual, was it you or your wife who was withholding?

 

Lots of women have problems with their husbands using porn. Was this a recurrent issue between you two?

 

And why are you so certain that she's not cheating? Not to say that women never leave unless they're having an affair. In observation, I think women seem to be more likely than men to leave as a 'happiness choice', but still.... girls cheat too. (That one comment, "nobody can control who they love" really set my alarm off, btw. )

 

Is your child with you in the family home or is he with her at her mother's? Have you sought out any legal advice yet? Because if you haven't... you really should.

 

What do you want to happen? You seem to be interested in reconcilliation. Of course, you can't make decisions for anyone but yourself... but if given the opportunity, do you REALLY want her back? I ask because sometimes, the desire to reconcile is simply a 'knee-jerk' reaction. Your description of your wife's unhappiness paints her as a perpetually pessimistic and dissatisfied person.

 

My best advice to you on the issue of your ring is to wear it, much as Gunny has said.... until YOU decide you don't want to be married to her anymore. Be true to yourself. If you're all about being a family guy, then don't adapt your view to suit others. As far as her ring is concerned, you can always get it back as part of the settlement, and if she's not willing to wear it anymore, heck yeah.... ask for it back now. Why not? Let her know right up front that the ring has meaning to you, even if it has none to her. Be sweet though, and don't let her bait you into an argument.

 

It's true that sometimes a woman is just DONE. There's not much a guy can do about that. A woman who's "done" might seem sad about it at times. She might even cry about what's been lost. But she doesn't change her mind.

 

That said.... women who are "in the fog" and say they're "done" give off the very same signals. It's nearly impossible to tell one from the other until sufficient time has elapsed. A woman who's 'in the fog' will say she doesn't want to give you false hope... same as the woman who's DONE.

 

It's confusing.

Underneath it all, the woman who's 'in the fog' still loves her partner though. Most of the time, even she doesn't know it. Her love is BLOCKED by her resentments and her anger. (Sometimes, her love is blocked by her infatuation with another. ) The woman who's 'in the fog' can be reached again, once the problems are resolved.

 

All you can do for now is to put your best foot forward. Be attractive, but not solitious. You don't want her to become complacent in the idea that you're just percolating nicely on the back burner, right?

 

I'm going to post you Michelle Weiner Davis' list of 180's. You can check out her books for more info.

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

Your best bet is to use these in an honest way. For example, #8 says "Do not buy gifts". Well, if you FEEL like you want to buy your wife a gift for your upcoming anniversary, and the feeling is an "honest" one... go ahead and do it. This list isn't carved in stone, right? You'll want to keep your generosity in check though. Don't give more than a small token, lest your gift itself become a huge bone of contention.

 

You might also want to add The Five Love Languages to your reading list, as well as The Sex-Starved Marriage. In order to solve the problems, you need to understand how things went wrong.

[Gunny376]

Whenever I read your posts, I've got this vision of your sitting in a woman's salon, such as in "Steel Magnolia's" dispensing your words of wisdom.

 

And, yea! That was my impression that your DW is one of those type of people that can never be pleased, and you'll spend a lifetime trying ~ but never succeding. Only for you to look back upon a wasted life ~ trying to please that which cannot be pleased, pacify that which can't be pacified. Trying to satisfy ~ that which cannot be satisfied.

 

I've heard it said that marriage is completing and resolving your childhood. Sounds as though your wife has some growing up. And yea, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there's a skunk in the henshouse! Not to say that this is an absolute ~ but its been my experience and observation of others, that people don't leave a realitionship without having one to go to.

[JamesM]

Gunny, I like your image of Lady Jane. I realized that I have a similar image. I can truthfully say that when I see her posts, I read them closely. In my own sitch, her words of wisdom were helpful.

 

Matt, hit a little more on the porn habit. LJ has a good point. Was this ever an issue between you? Did your wife know of your habit? Did you ever find yourself thinking of porn while "making love" to your wife?

 

My personal viewpoint is that if she thought there was an intimacy issue, there probably was. The question is why. Was it from your side and something that you let get in the way? Or was it from her side and something she let get in the way?

[Spurned]

a little off topic, but Lady Jane was the name of a beautiful GI Joe character. So for me, she's some hot slightly older lady with a killer body who does crossword puzzles on the weekends, and for some reason wears a wicker hat.

 

Strange.

[Gunny376]

I had forgotten that! LOL!

 

I like your vision better than my Steel Magnolia's!

[MattN]

Most everything slowly started after our son was born. I have been into porn since we first met and it was never an issue really. I'm not really into all that much I never blew her off for it or thought of it while intimate with her and it was never an issue between us so I don't think tbats what it is.

 

As far as there being someone else believe me I have been over everything and if there is I'm not seeing and neither is anyone else and my gut isn't telling me that either. Now thats not to say that she isn't interested in someone and just hasn't acted on it I really don't know the signs just don't seem to be pointing there but I could be wrong.

 

The lack of sexual intimacy is definatly on her side and not mine because I have been there both emotionally and sexually shes the one that hasn't. Most of the stuff she brings up to why she doesn't feel for me anymore is crap thats from over 4 years ago. She went through post partum depression after our son and has been a paxil since. I have tried to get her off but the withdraws seem too hard on her. She says thats its not the pills because she still has sexual emotion just not for me.

 

She mentioned once about how when she was pregnant 5 years ago I went to a close friends New Years Eve party while she stayed home. I was home by 11:30 to be with her so I'm like huh? What about all the other nights I was there? I dunno seems like lame excuses. I can and will over analysis everything and truly I honestly don't know if there is someone else but it doesn't seem like it. She always tired and mostly just sits around the house. Shes staying at her parents so I don't know what she doesbut like I said if she is then she is hiding it very very well.

[Devildog]

And, yea! That was my impression that your DW is one of those type of people that can never be pleased, and you'll spend a lifetime trying ~ but never succeding. Only for you to look back upon a wasted life ~ trying to please that which cannot be pleased, pacify that which can't be pacified. Trying to satisfy ~ that which cannot be satisfied.

 

Ah yes Gunny, I am all too familiar with that type. Spent 5 years married to one of those. There are just some people out there that nothing is ever good enough. You can run yourself into the ground trying and they will still want more. It's really funny when they contradict themselves. Tke the intimacy thing the OP mentions. My XW used to reject all of my advances, accused me of thinking of nothing but sex, so I stopped trying to initiate. Then she complained that "I didn't find her attractive" because I wasn't trying to initiate.

[MattN]

The thing is she wasn't always like that though. She loved the house since she picked it out. She had a $15+ hr job working days in Inventory Control at a computer warehouse and then shes like well I don't want to be there forever I want to go to school to be a dental hygienist. Of course I am gonna support her but let her know that it will be financially hard and we will have to make some sacrifices. So she does for the past 2 years but its like she still wants to spend like shes working full time. I still support her but frankly shes been strugglin passing the classes and she was only going part time. So thats 8 hours of school a week and she only had to work one 8 hour day and shes barely making it. She even admitted it was a lot harder then what she thought. She isn't even in the DH program yet which is 2 years full time and I'm sure much harder and she also doesn't have the 3.0 average to even get in the program. Doesn't one have to say eventually I tried but I can't do this?

 

You know if I wake up tomorrow and decide I want to be a doctor and quit my nice paying job go to classes not do very well for over 2 years I have to eventually say hey maybe I'm not gonna do this I tried but failed. Its like she never grasped the strain she has put on us finacially and the sacrifices I made because its pretty easy to just go back home to her moms house.

 

Theres 2 sides to a story and I'm not saying I don't have my faults because I do but I just don't believe we ever had any problems that couldn't have been worked through and 3 months ago when we talked about some and the things we need to work on I thought we were working on them and I was but now I find out it was really just me working on them she didn't even love me then. None of our issues were not fixable but its like I feel she didn't expect everything to be so hard and that you don't have to work for things and just gave up. Theres no spark there etc etc. Well of course not because your not working at it, it takes work..

 

I don't know and maybe I never will know but I do think she has some issues she needs to work through herself also because sometimes I wonder what reality shes living in..

[Devildog]

Some people just don't grow up. And it is funny how the times when they need to grow up they tend to act even more immature. My XW was like that. After our first child things started to go downhill. She was unhappy with everything in her life, questioned everything in regards to our marriage. I think when our daughter was born she felt like her life of freedom and no responsibilites was over. And she refused to take responsibilities. She wanted to go out even more than before. And I think it was simply because she refused to face the responsibilities of having a child and needing to be a grown up. It wasn't playing house anymore, it became real. And that reality didn't fit with all the things she still wanted to do. The reality didn't match the fantasy.

 

I'm not going to give you false hope here. Alot of them never grow up, or it takes them so long that it is too late. Don't just walk away and give up, but prepare yourself for the possibility that you may reach the point where you don't want to wait anymore.

[MattN]

So, I'm a bit uncertain as to who was responsible for the "lack of intimacy"?

Are we talking emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy? If sexual, was it you or your wife who was withholding?

 

Definalty her but more sexual and probably some emotional

 

Is your child with you in the family home or is he with her at her mother's? Have you sought out any legal advice yet? Because if you haven't... you really should.

 

She stays with her and her family. No i haven't but I know I should. Right now I get him every other day until school starts and then I get wend nights and friday and saturday nights. She wants things to be joint and she hasn't mentioned the D word to me but she would like to do it all out of court since we can't really afford it financially right now.

 

 

What do you want to happen? You seem to be interested in reconcilliation. Of course, you can't make decisions for anyone but yourself... but if given the opportunity, do you REALLY want her back? I ask because sometimes, the desire to reconcile is simply a 'knee-jerk' reaction. Your description of your wife's unhappiness paints her as a perpetually pessimistic and dissatisfied person.

 

Theres no question in my mind that I want reconcilliation and if it came to that I would also want us in some counceling because I really feel shes lost somehow but I could be clueless

 

It's true that sometimes a woman is just DONE. There's not much a guy can do about that. A woman who's "done" might seem sad about it at times. She might even cry about what's been lost. But she doesn't change her mind.

 

That said.... women who are "in the fog" and say they're "done" give off the very same signals. It's nearly impossible to tell one from the other until sufficient time has elapsed. A woman who's 'in the fog' will say she doesn't want to give you false hope... same as the woman who's DONE.

 

It's confusing.

Underneath it all, the woman who's 'in the fog' still loves her partner though. Most of the time, even she doesn't know it. Her love is BLOCKED by her resentments and her anger. (Sometimes, her love is blocked by her infatuation with another. ) The woman who's 'in the fog' can be reached again, once the problems are resolved.

 

I know sometimes thats how I feel and I guess only time will tell. I'm following most of the steps and last night when she called to say night to our son I told her real quick that she was right I don't want to be in a marriage without intimacy and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me and isn't happy and she was right to leave me. I quickly moved on to some other info about our son and was very civil.

[Walk]

You ahve obvious reason to sound a little bitter about her schooling, and I sympathize with you. Just wanted to bring another view point to the situation though. Not to say you aren't right, but to give some food for thought.

 

Maybe she only went back to school because she felt stuck in a rut. That feeling of not living a fulfilling life, so she sought out something that kind of caught her attention and made a huge change in her life in hopes of creating a more fulfilling life, to break out of the rut, and the less than happy life she was leading. If she was doing it for that reason, then she wouldn't be all that driven to succeed in school.. she didn't correct the problem that was making her life unfulfilling, she just changed the outside influences. If that was the case, then her desire to really put her all into school wouldn't be there. It'd be rather half-assed, and not as rewarding as she thought it'd be.. Which could account for her grades and feeling like full time would be too much.

 

I think she was searching for the cure that would make her feel happier in life.

 

I kind of identify with your wife to a degree. I left my exh and he said he felt the same as you. But I had a whole slew of reasons why I was resentful and unhappy with our marriage, and after counseling I think he realized I was right.

 

Porn was never an issue in my marriage, although he viewed it regularly. But it did contribute to me feeling like I wasn't "enough" to satisfy him. I accepted it as something guys do, but I was never comfortable with it.

 

Anyway, Lady Jane is right. Don't chase after your wife. My exH did that, and it just drove me further away. Felt suffocated. I think you're handling this really well. And her problems in life may have nothign to do with you. Sometimes people change, grow, whatever.. and they grow apart from their partners. That's part of what happened in my marriage. I left when I was nearly 29... I didn't love him anymore. And although I'd very definitely told him there were problems long before I left, he never seemed to listen. So we grew in different directions instead of together. I'm not saying you were wrong.. she probably thought you could read her mind or something stupid like that... in which case, she never gave you a chance to grow with her, or change with her. She naively thougth it would just "occur". Hopefully she'll realize that that isn't the case in life, and she won't repeat this mistake in the future.

 

Hang in there. I feel for you.. and I hope you can get through this with as little damage as possible.

[MattN]

Some people just don't grow up. And it is funny how the times when they need to grow up they tend to act even more immature. My XW was like that. After our first child things started to go downhill. She was unhappy with everything in her life, questioned everything in regards to our marriage. I think when our daughter was born she felt like her life of freedom and no responsibilites was over. And she refused to take responsibilities. She wanted to go out even more than before. And I think it was simply because she refused to face the responsibilities of having a child and needing to be a grown up. It wasn't playing house anymore, it became real. And that reality didn't fit with all the things she still wanted to do. The reality didn't match the fantasy.

 

I'm not going to give you false hope here. Alot of them never grow up, or it takes them so long that it is too late. Don't just walk away and give up, but prepare yourself for the possibility that you may reach the point where you don't want to wait anymore.

 

 

Very true and I don't know how I can just give up on 10yrs with soemone even though she tells me. Maybe I was young and I settled and I don't think you were the one. WTF is that all about? I'm sorry but I'm not buying that BS because I feel in my heart there was something real there but I know eventually I will move on I just can't help but hope her love for me is buried under resentment and anger towards me since she always brings up stuff from so long ago that she supposly forgave me for but still throws in my face. Its weird because looking back I know we had problems but nothing like this it was a huge surprise for everyone..

 

Before she moved out but after I knew she was leaving me of course I confronted her and told her how I feel about her and that she is the one for me and shes like "How can you feel that way since we haven't been intimate for so long?" I feel that way because I love her and I know that it takes work but according to her shes been gone for awhile and I shouldn't be that surprised she left me.

[Devildog]

MattN, I agree, it is impossible to imagine just walking away at this point. But you might be in just as much of a fog as your wife.

 

I was exactly where you were. Fought like hell, refused to give up on my marriage. But after a few months of separation, I started to see things a little more clearly. I saw how much I had given and how little I got in return. I saw that things I had done to be sweet or considerate became expected and demanded of me.

 

And eventually I saw that I had settled, because I didn't want to hurt my XW. That in fact she wasn't what I wanted. But I heard all that "you MUST give people a chance" BS and didn't want to seem like a "bad person" for ending the relationship early on based on her not being the kind of person I wanted in a relationship.

 

Basically, I managed to convince myself that it was what I wanted. And I think that was the thing that hurt the most. I had given up what I truly wanted and instead stayed with my now XW, and in return, I got tossed aside.

[MattN]

You ahve obvious reason to sound a little bitter about her schooling, and I sympathize with you. Just wanted to bring another view point to the situation though. Not to say you aren't right, but to give some food for thought.

 

Maybe she only went back to school because she felt stuck in a rut. That feeling of not living a fulfilling life, so she sought out something that kind of caught her attention and made a huge change in her life in hopes of creating a more fulfilling life, to break out of the rut, and the less than happy life she was leading. If she was doing it for that reason, then she wouldn't be all that driven to succeed in school.. she didn't correct the problem that was making her life unfulfilling, she just changed the outside influences. If that was the case, then her desire to really put her all into school wouldn't be there. It'd be rather half-assed, and not as rewarding as she thought it'd be.. Which could account for her grades and feeling like full time would be too much.

 

I think she was searching for the cure that would make her feel happier in life.

 

I kind of identify with your wife to a degree. I left my exh and he said he felt the same as you. But I had a whole slew of reasons why I was resentful and unhappy with our marriage, and after counseling I think he realized I was right.

 

Porn was never an issue in my marriage, although he viewed it regularly. But it did contribute to me feeling like I wasn't "enough" to satisfy him. I accepted it as something guys do, but I was never comfortable with it.

 

Anyway, Lady Jane is right. Don't chase after your wife. My exH did that, and it just drove me further away. Felt suffocated. I think you're handling this really well. And her problems in life may have nothign to do with you. Sometimes people change, grow, whatever.. and they grow apart from their partners. That's part of what happened in my marriage. I left when I was nearly 29... I didn't love him anymore. And although I'd very definitely told him there were problems long before I left, he never seemed to listen. So we grew in different directions instead of together. I'm not saying you were wrong.. she probably thought you could read her mind or something stupid like that... in which case, she never gave you a chance to grow with her, or change with her. She naively thougth it would just "occur". Hopefully she'll realize that that isn't the case in life, and she won't repeat this mistake in the future.

 

Hang in there. I feel for you.. and I hope you can get through this with as little damage as possible.

 

 

I have thought of this angle also and it may be correct because she has said all them things. "I have changed, grown and I am different then I was when we met and we don't have anything in common etc etc"

 

The sucky part is what my son is going through, he is only 5 but last night he asks where we r going and I tell him we are going home and he asks if mommy is there. She isn't so he breaks down and wants to go to his grand parents and wants me to come with him. He tells me he doesn't understand why he can't be with everyone and why we all can't be together. I know he was tired and probably a little emotional because he was fine after that but I'm taking the brunt of this because he don't say anything to her because when she goes home she has both his grand parents there so there is 3 family members there and only me at home.

[Devildog]

The sucky part is what my son is going through, he is only 5 but last night he asks where we r going and I tell him we are going home and he asks if mommy is there. She isn't so he breaks down and wants to go to his grand parents and wants me to come with him. He tells me he doesn't understand why he can't be with everyone and why we all can't be together. I know he was tired and probably a little emotional because he was fine after that but I'm taking the brunt of this because he don't say anything to her because when she goes home she has both his grand parents there so there is 3 family members there and only me at home.

 

Dang, I remember that. Had something similar happen. It was Halloween, just 2 weeks after we separated, and my daughter, 3 at the time, begging me to get in the car and come home. It broke my heart to hear my daughter begging and pleading with me like that and my heartless XW not caring. I couldn't do anything or say anything, just try to explain to a 3 year old child that I couldn't. I have never, and will never, forgive my XW for that one moment.