Dammit.

[silentcharon]

I came home after work yesterday, and came across a huge bonquet on the kitchen table. Purple and white gladiouses with red roses and gerber daisies, it looked so stunning. I spent a few moments admiring it, thinking it was for my room mate and secretly wishing it was for me, that a secret admirer sent it.

 

My room mate walked into the kitchen and asked me how I liked the flowers. I told him it was very beautiful, and asked him who sent it. "It's not for me, it's for you."

 

He handed me a little card, "I gotta go out, so I'll talk to you later."

 

I opened the card and it read,

 

"Missing you, and still loving you.

Love, ***"

 

He texted me this morning saying that he hoped that I liked the flowers and he wanted to see me smile again. I haven't answered yet.

 

DAMN IT. It makes me giddy but it also makes me angry. I told him I couldn't be friends with him, and then imposed NC so we could get time away from each other. Possibly heal and move on, at least that was one of my goals. But because of the flowers, I feel obligated to at least acknowledge it or something.

 

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I want to throw the flowers out, but that's just a terrible waste. That bonquet is just so pretty, and I'll bet he spent a pretty penny on it and to have it delivered.

 

I feel like I'm back on square one again, somewhat. I have mixed feelings over this. Why did he have to do that? I'll probably text him back and tell him thanks, the flowers look awesome, blah blah, and then go back to nc.

 

He really is a wonderful man, he just isn't ready to commit again right now. Whatever that means, he certainly hasn't let me go yet, that's for certain. He said he still loves me, but that he wasn't sure if it was enough.

 

As for the bonquet, perhaps I'll give it to my grandma, who will appreciate it more.

 

Sigh. I'll wait a couple of days before texting him. If this is a bad idea, let me know. I just don't know what to do.

[bluechocolate]

I told him I couldn't be friends with him, and then imposed NC so we could get time away from each other.

 

Is he aware of the no-contact? Did you tell him that you didn't want to hear from him?

 

If so, then he is acting against your wishes.

 

And if so, then don't mention the flowers, just tell him to respect your boundaries.

 

Give the flowers to your grandma.

[silentcharon]

He definitely knows about the no contact.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t93487/

 

Here's a link to one of my posts about what happened, the reasons why I imposed NC and his reactions.

 

It isn't that I don't want to hear from him- I told him to contact me when he is ready to. This is definitely not what I had in mind though

[norajane]

It isn't that I don't want to hear from him- I told him to contact me when he is ready to. This is definitely not what I had in mind though

 

What did you have in mind?

[silentcharon]

I don't know. Maybe something like, "Ok, I'm ready to talk to you."

 

Either that he's ready to be just friends with me, we could talk about our boundaries and agree not to cross anything. Or that he's ready to commit again. Or that he doesn't want to talk to me again. I don't care.

 

I just didn't want to be the "in between" while he made up his mind. That's why I went along with NC because I couldn't do it, and I thought that we both needed the time to be away from each other.

 

That's what I meant, getting flowers from him wasn't what I had in mind.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Congratulations on the flowers.

 

I'd put them like in the middle of the house, what do the flowers have to do with anything.

 

I'd be careful if the guy is some smooth talker player type (usually average guys don't do those things).

 

But I'd talk to him and thank him, decide if it's worth another try,

 

Ariadne

[silentcharon]

Well that's the thing.

 

When we started dating, he always got me flowers, he wrote me poems, everything, you name it. Later down the road, that stopped coming, I was ok with it- the last time I got flowers from him was maybe two years ago. He has never, never, ever gotten me flowers or a gift to apologize- that isn't his style.

 

So I know it's not because he's apologizing, at most, he probably was just thinking of me and decided to send me flowers. I was with him for 7 years, so I know him very well. Maybe this is his cue that he wants to talk now, I dunno. Gah.

[KittenMoon]

Oh man. I'm not sure if I'm viciously jealous, or want to tell you to run screaming in the other direction.

 

Seriously- wtf does he want?!

[fireflywy]

The only way to find out.. is to speak to him. Sounds like he's trying to open the door. How long has NC been?

[KittenMoon]

The only way to find out.. is to speak to him. Sounds like he's trying to open the door. How long has NC been?

 

Screw him. After all the runaround he's given silent, if he wants to talk he needs to say these little words: "I want to talk to you."

 

Exes should not be given the convinience of passive actions that force the dumpee's hand, or get their hopes up.

[Mollyanna]

Screw him. After all the runaround he's given silent, if he wants to talk he needs to say these little words: "I want to talk to you."

 

Exes should not be given the convinience of passive actions that force the dumpee's hand, or get their hopes up.

 

Amen Kitten. except maybe for the Screw him part. I would maybe text or email and say "Thank you, that was sweet" but nothing else. Let him initiate the conversation, if there is going to be one...

[silentcharon]

The only way to find out.. is to speak to him. Sounds like he's trying to open the door. How long has NC been?

 

Nearly a month now.

 

Screw him. After all the runaround he's given silent, if he wants to talk he needs to say these little words: "I want to talk to you."

 

Exes should not be given the convinience of passive actions that force the dumpee's hand, or get their hopes up.

 

That was exactly my reaction regarding the flowers. That's exactly what I meant by not expecting something like this- all he had to do was text me, "I want to talk to you." That was all I asked of him.

 

Amen Kitten. except maybe for the Screw him part. I would maybe text or email and say "Thank you, that was sweet" but nothing else. Let him initiate the conversation, if there is going to be one...

 

I agree. I'll probably thank him for the flowers and leave it at that. If he really wanted to talk, he'll start a convo with me, right?

 

It's just that I feel that he crossed the line when we agreed to do nc and even if either one of us broke nc, it would be on neutral grounds. This certainly isn't neutral, this is what I was trying to avoid. I know he still loves me and all that, why can't he leave it at that? I feel a little bitter- it feels like he's trying to throw that in my face.

 

What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

[johnnytable]

Its obvious that you are not happy to receive these flowers, so I would not feel obligated to "thank him" for them. This might send the wrong message that you are okay with him contacting you in this way.

 

I actually don't like this form of contact as it messes with your head. Sure he misses you and still loves you. So what? You are broken up and breakups SUCK so he needs to deal with that on his own.

 

I'm not sure how I would respond to this. Perhaps something like, "What do you want? I've told you that I don't want to be your friend, so please get on with your life and stop wasting your money on stuff like this."

 

Or you could just not respond at all.

[bendit]

If you thank him for the flowers you are rewarding him for contacting you when you told him not to. When we are rewarded for doing something we will do it again to get more goodies (reward). Realize that for every action there is a Reaction and when you REact so will he, then you, then him. Of course you could just pretend like nothing happened and stick to your NC guns.

 

regards

[silentcharon]

Its obvious that you are not happy to receive these flowers, so I would not feel obligated to "thank him" for them. This might send the wrong message that you are okay with him contacting you in this way.

 

I actually don't like this form of contact as it messes with your head. Sure he misses you and still loves you. So what? You are broken up and breakups SUCK so he needs to deal with that on his own.

 

I'm not sure how I would respond to this. Perhaps something like, "What do you want? I've told you that I don't want to be your friend, so please get on with your life and stop wasting your money on stuff like this."

 

Or you could just not respond at all.

 

Yep. I'm basically forcing him to sleep in the bed he made for himself, so to speak.

 

I do want to be his friend, but I won't be the "in between" friend. All the reason for nc. I'm just going to text him, "Hey, thanks for the flowers, they look awesome. Take care."

 

And leave it at that. I feel like I'm walking on a fine line here

[silentcharon]

If you thank him for the flowers you are rewarding him for contacting you when you told him not to. When we are rewarded for doing something we will do it again to get more goodies (reward). Realize that for every action there is a Reaction and when you REact so will he, then you, then him. Of course you could just pretend like nothing happened and stick to your NC guns.

 

regards

 

Hm. I never thought of it that way.

 

I told him he could contact me when he felt ready to, this wasn't what I meant. Maybe I could say something like, "Hey. Thanks for the flowers, my grandma loves them."

[the_alchemyst]

I don't understand.

 

Why is it so hard to text him something simple like: "Hey, I got the flowers. They were pretty. Thanks."

 

Why? Isn't it just common courtesy?

 

After all, you did tell him he could contact you when he was ready, but maybe he only heard the first part.

 

What is this "reward" talk? You see, that's thinking waaaay too much into the situation.

If anything, thinking that way is worse than sending him a "thanks" via text.

 

He sent you flowers. You received them. They were pretty. Say thanks.

 

That's it. If he wants to talk to you, I'm sure he'll do it in a direct way.

 

And don't be mean to the flowers. It's not their foult they were bought for misty purposes.

[silentcharon]

That's pretty much my thinking when I replied to Johnnytable.

 

I think "Hey. Thanks for the flowers. Take care." Will suffice, no?

[the_alchemyst]

Yeah, I definitely think so.

 

I guess I just didn't understand what in the world bendit was talking about.

[silentcharon]

Well, I think it depends on what circumstances people are under when they break up.

 

If my ex cheated on me, or something horrible like that, and I dumped him, I would literally throw the flowers out, and text him something like, "Thanks for the flowers, don't talk to me ever again!" Or something to that effect. I wouldn't give him the benefit of common courtesy. Would you?

 

If the break up was mutual, or nothing nasty happened, I'd probably go along with common courtesy, kind of, and maintain my ground at the same time, like what I am doing here.

 

Every situation is unique, with unique solutions to the situation. That's why I like coming to LS, nothing is constant here, there's always new questions, or new suggestions, etc

[johnnytable]

What I think that bendit is saying is that if you thank him for the flowers, you are saying that it is okay for him to do stuff like this.

 

Clearly you are not appreciative of the flowers. If so, you would not have posted here. You would have responded back promptly telling him how much you liked them. You would have done the normal thing in a normal situation of somebody sending you flowers.

 

He has no right to send you strange messages like this. Are you trying to heal or not? If so, then you probably know that NC is the way to go. These flowers mean nothing and get on with your life.

 

What is it that you are trying to accomplish by responding? I believe that these flowers were designed to get a response out of you. It is a selfish act which I've seen time and time again. If he really cared about your healing, then he would have left you alone.

 

Honestly, say the flowers never came. Where would you be compared to now? You wouldn't be thinking about this. You would have moved forward a bit more.

[silentcharon]

What I think that bendit is saying is that if you thank him for the flowers, you are saying that it is okay for him to do stuff like this.

 

Clearly you are not appreciative of the flowers. If so, you would not have posted here. You would have responded back promptly telling him how much you liked them. You would have done the normal thing in a normal situation of somebody sending you flowers.

 

He has no right to send you strange messages like this. Are you trying to heal or not? If so, then you probably know that NC is the way to go. These flowers mean nothing and get on with your life.

 

What is it that you are trying to accomplish by responding? I believe that these flowers were designed to get a response out of you. It is a selfish act which I've seen time and time again. If he really cared about your healing, then he would have left you alone.

 

Honestly, say the flowers never came. Where would you be compared to now? You wouldn't be thinking about this. You would have moved forward a bit more.

 

Well, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

You are absolutely right, I would not have posted here- if the flowers never came, I would have continued with nc.

 

However, I do appreciate the flowers, I think that was sweet of him to do that, though I still want to maintain my ground regarding whether he wants to talk or not. I still haven't sent him a text yet, I guess I will just leave it at that even though I'm afraid that I'd end up looking like a ungrateful biatch on my end.

 

I wish he'd make up his mind

[johnnytable]

Make up his mind? Didn't he already do this? Aren't you already broken up? If you are broken up, then his mind is made up. Sure he might be confused or missing you but that does not matter. Until something changes, you are broken up.

 

Sure you might look ungrateful, but who cares what he thinks? He is violating your boundaries. You only want contact if it is about reconciliation right? I guess you might have the option of re-enforcing this boundary... something like "I have made it clear that I only want contact from you if it is about getting back together. Please respect my wishes."

 

Him missing you or loving you is not a legitimate excuse to contact you after you have been clear that you do not want to be contacted.

 

Turn it around. Say he told you "I do not want to ever hear from you again unless it is about paying me the $500 that you owe me." (I'm making the $500 up obviously to make a point). Then you send him flowers saying that you miss him and love him. Would this be okay? Didn't he say not to contact you in this situation?

 

Don't let him mess with you. My advice is to either ignore this "message" or re-enforce your boundaries by letting him know that it is not okay. My further advice is to do what is best for you

[bendit]

This is going to be controversial (hehh first time for everything right? ). But him sending the flowers was ABUSIVE. It was abuse wrapped up in nice wrapping paper with a bow on top.

 

Why do I say this? Think about it and take the "emotions" of "flowers" out of it. Here is a guy who can't commit and who dumped you. But he valued "parts" of your relationship, the emotional support you provided him. He STILL needs that "supply" and doesn't want to lose it if at all possible.

 

So even though you told him you NEED to go NC to move on and heal, he won't let you. So he does something that is sure to get your attention and make you go "hmmmmm?". He sent flowers with a note that says, yes, he still "cares" about you. What he actually cares about are his selfish needs. This is selfish. Remember what Your needs were? He didn't consider Those, did he?

 

The cost of the flowers was a small price for him to "pay" in the hopes that his "investment" would pay off. He hopes you think him so "sweet" for "thinking of you" that you will consider being his friend, and someone you will support when called upon.

 

Yes sending the flowers was Abusive. Anyone who does the push-pull to someone they dumped (despite being told not to) is abusing YOU. Its just abuse wrapped up in a package that women find oh so "sweet." He is playing on your sentimentality and need to be the "nice" girl who always says thank you, even to Abuse.

 

Sending flowers with that kind of note is about The most manipulative thing a dumper can do to dumpee.

 

I really hope you are are soon able to see through this manipulation and return his favor, by my way of thinking, in the ONLY appropriate way: SILENCE.

 

Gosh it feels good to be Controversial. I should try it more often.

 

regards

[KittenMoon]

Silent-

 

Angry, I told him my ex something during our breakup that continues to ring true; I told him: You don't give anything that isn't easy for you to give.

 

Flowers are easy to give. Vague sentimentalities are easy to give.

 

When he starts giving something that's hard to give, then you can start paying attention.