My wife had a one night stand with my friend - I am devestated !

[Grunt]

I am in my 30's and married with 2 beuatiful kids. I have an excellent job with a bit of international travel and I have been married to my childhood sweet heart for just over ten years. I am very committed to my marriage and have resisted, despite various opportunities, mucking around with onyone.

 

My wife, a beautiful woman, who had not had many relationships (none sexual) before we were married is very much a 'home body'. After going through a bit of a rough patch recently (moving city due to my job and adjusting to a new foreign country) I had been encouraging her to go out a bit, even if I was not around, to build up her confidence and get her to meet some people. She is not a big drinker but normally knows her boundaries and sticks to them.

 

We have an good sexual relationship by any measure and despite ups and downs over the last 10 years have a stong relationship with open communication.

 

If she has to much to drink, she can be pretty flirtatious and unaware of her impact on the men around her.

 

Last night I flew home from a three day work trip knowing my wife was out for a few drinks and live music with a good friend of mine at the local pub. I had expected they would be joined there by some work colleagues as we had done once. By the time I arrived home it was just after midnight. I sent the babysiter home, unpacked my back, had a shower and went to bed at about 1 am). As I lay down it entered my mind that my wife would get home any time as the badn at the local pub normally finished at midnight and, as she was with my trusted friend she was safe. My head hit the pillow and, after a tough week etc, I slept.

 

I woke to the sound of my wife coming into the room at around 4:30 am. After seeing the time, I was straight away worried that something had happened and ask if she was OK. Out spilled tears and the story....

 

'I went to the pub, only your friend was there, not the work colleagues we had been out with before. We had a few drinks and watched the band. Your friend was joined by some others who he new from previous visits to the same pub. They were drinking a lot and encouraged me to have some shots. Eventually I was quite drunk and told your friend that I wanted to go home. When we got outside I realised I was feeling pretty sick. We walked for a while in the direction of home, then jumped in a taxi. Your friend told the taxi to take us to his place (his place is just one block past our place). When we got there I realised I was not at home and new I was going to be sick so asked to use the bathroom. We went up stairs. After being in the toilet for almost half an hour and throwing up 3 times I finally emerged to find your friend watch a movie. We sat and talked for a while. Your friend had had a rough week and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I felt like I didn't really care what was happening but I did'nt really enjoy it either. It just happened.'

 

My reaction was explosive...I am devestated. My friend, who I thought was a 'Gentleman' I could trust has betrayed me. My wife has never done anything like this before and was so riddled with guilt that she told me as soon as she walked in the door.

 

What do I make of all this ?

 

My wife went out with my good friend who watched her get drunk, throw up and who was not in a clear state of mind and he took full advantage and had sex with her.

 

I am so confused. My first instinct was to kick my wife out of the house and head over to my friends place with a baseball bat and beat him severely.

 

Now I am just absolutly devestated. The anger I feel I am worried I will not be able to contain. If my ex friend came with in reach of me there would be a serious problem. My wife has subsequently suffered a breakdown due to guilt and attempted to take her own life (she never was the most emotional robust). She was submitted to hospital and sedated within 3 hours of arriving home.

 

How can my life be so completely f****ed up in the blink of an eye ?

What should I do ? I feel I will never be able to trust my wife ever again. What about my children...they need their mother....

 

Help me !!

[isha_pal]

dont worry

your wife is trustworthy

thats y she told u everything

believe her and dont get negative wid her

she needs ur support

 

and now...........

just wait and watch

be normal

dont talk much wid ur frnd

try to ignore him

and nice wid ur wife

but for ur own satisfaction keep an eye on ur wife

dont ignore her and dont even let her know that u r keepin an eye on her..

 

and still she repeats that

then kick her off

 

but if she doesnt be polite to her

everybody needs a chance atleast

give her a chance

 

keep us posted

take care

[burning 4 revenge]

dont worry

your wife is trustworthy

thats y she told u everything

believe her and dont get negative wid her

she needs ur support

 

and now...........

just wait and watch

be normal

dont talk much wid ur frnd

try to ignore him

and nice wid ur wife

but for ur own satisfaction keep an eye on ur wife

dont ignore her and dont even let her know that u r keepin an eye on her..

 

and still she repeats that

then kick her off

 

but if she doesnt be polite to her

everybody needs a chance atleast

give her a chance

 

keep us posted

take care

 

Is this a poem?

[lighthouse]

OK. I don't know if I am the best person to give you advice on this but since I am awake and I don't know if anyone else is I will try and at least listen to you.

First, don't do anything crazy. Don't go over there to kick his a$$. Don't do anything. Remember they are both drunk and you are furious and hurt (and have every right to be) but you don't want to go start something with a drunk.

Second, don't get drunk. Take a shot if that will make you feel better but don't have anymore. Adding another drunk isn't going to help this at all.

Third, I don't know what else to say but that really sucks and I am sorry. I will be awake for a while so if you want to talk then I will but like I said I don't know if I am the best person to help you - in fact considering all the great people here I am sure I am NOT the best person to help you.

Lighthouse

[lighthouse]

Ok. I didn't read that about your wife being in the hospital or it didn't compute. She is in the best place for her right now considering what she tried to do (the breakdown not the ONS). Right now, and this sucks and I am so sorry, you have to figure out what you are going to do. I don't mean in the long run, I mean immediately. In the morning how are you going to explain to your kids where mommy is? Do you need to be at the hospital with her? Can you call the babysitter and get her to come over in the morning? Do you have family close by that can help?

Just wanted to warn you before tomorrow. I can imagine that you are thinking about being betrayed (I would be) and not about the stupid things that you are going to have to do immediately.

Lighthouse

[Island Girl]

It is easier said than done but you are going to go through a lot of different emotions really rapidly for a while. Just remember that this is your life and there is no specific time limit for decisions about your relationship.

 

It sounds like she really loves you. She told you right when it happened and did not add insult to injury by attempting to hide anything.

 

Focus on your children right now. They are going to feel the tension, etc. So making them okay will be difficult and ongoing. They'll give you an excuse to take time to sort things out too. Please reach out for support as much as you need to.

 

Trust CAN be renewed. It takes however long it takes. Months, years, decades, it is different for each person. One thing I do know is she has to be willing to do anything and everthing to reassure you during the rebuild of trust in your relationship. I think she would be willing to do that considering her reaction to this whole mess. But there will be time to discuss all of that.

 

People have gotten through things like this and are still married. Some couples don't make it. Even more decide not to try.

 

There is no right or wrong answer.

[Moose]

1. You shouldn't of ever let your wife go out alone.

 

I'm sure you have female coworkers that would've volunteered to accompany her. NEVER, EVER let your wife go out alone with another man......friend or no!

 

2. You're friend should pay. Vengeance belongs to God, and I have to follow that. About the only thing that would make me disobey this, would be someone violating my wife. My own flesh and blood being taken advantage of.....I would definitely have to put the hurt on him.

 

I'm not saying that you should hunt him down and torture him. I'm not saying that at all. I am telling you that if this would've happened to me.....my friend would be in the morning paper suffering mysterious injuries, and unable to tell anybody what happened to him......

 

3. And most importantly. You must treat your wife as if YOU did this to her.

 

It IS your fault. Like it or not. You have to live with it. You have to avoid this from happening again. You may even need professional help to forgive yourself for this.....your wife may need professional help to understand that what happened to her wasn't her fault.....it's going to be a mess for a while.....

 

AND, for heaven's sakes.....don't look at this as a marriage falling apart!

 

Look at this as a wound that will heal, and will make your skin thicker.....an opportunity to make your union stronger than ever.....

 

Lastley, find her a group of women to hang out with.....that doesn't involve alcohol.....

[Rooster_DAR]

'I went to the pub, only your friend was there, not the work colleagues we had been out with before. We had a few drinks and watched the band. Your friend was joined by some others who he new from previous visits to the same pub. They were drinking a lot and encouraged me to have some shots. Eventually I was quite drunk and told your friend that I wanted to go home. When we got outside I realised I was feeling pretty sick. We walked for a while in the direction of home, then jumped in a taxi. Your friend told the taxi to take us to his place (his place is just one block past our place). When we got there I realised I was not at home and new I was going to be sick so asked to use the bathroom. We went up stairs. After being in the toilet for almost half an hour and throwing up 3 times I finally emerged to find your friend watch a movie. We sat and talked for a while. Your friend had had a rough week and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I felt like I didn't really care what was happening but I did'nt really enjoy it either. It just happened.'

 

My friend, the story she gave you is more than likely sugar coated so she does not have to admit the entire truth. The fact that she did come home and tell you merits some good however.

 

I will have to agree with the last post, never allow either of you two to go out with anyone of the opposite sex for a casual night out. This was really a date in disguise, and boundries are going to get crossed at some point especially when alchohol in involved. There will be people that disagree with this, but they will find out eventually when you start hanging around members of the opposite sex, there is a great potential for an emotional bonding. Once the emotional bonding starts, the whole thing begins to cascade and lot's of people wind up getting hurt.

 

I am angry for you dude, your best friend and your wife both betrayed you and that is extremely painful. FYI, she may also be trying to shift all the blame on your friend, just so she does not look as bad. It really sounds like she realizes she made a terrible mistake though, and now she is paying for it. Your friends behaviour is unacceptable, although he probably is s***ng bricks out of realization. This in not a true friend, I would not trust him again even if you can forgive him.

 

I can tell by how your wife is acting that she really does love you, but she needs to see a MC to get her head back on straight. Also, it may be worthwhile to expore if there were things missing in your marriage that would of aggrevated this incident.

 

Don't blame yourself, she stepped over the line.

 

 

(There is an old song that states "When your'e in love with a beautiful woman, you better watch your friends") <--- He wasn't just singing that because he needed lyrics for the song my friend

 

 

roost

[reservoirdog1]

I'm somebody whose ex-wife was a serial cheat. And this much I can tell you.

 

Everybody makes mistakes, gets drunk and has lapses in judgment, and does things they later regret.

 

That doesn't make what your wife did right, or excuse her in any way. But it DOES, I think, mean that -- if you love your wife and want your marriage to survive -- you need to do everything you can to get past this together.

 

It's easy to judge people by the mistakes they make. But it makes far more sense to judge them for the things they do AFTER they've made the mistakes. Especially mistakes that hurt others. Do they repeat them? Keep going until they get caught? Or do they confront them and move mountains to make up for what they did?

 

It's entirely possible that your wife isn't telling you everything, or leaving out some details. But as long as there aren't any glaring inconsistencies that you find out about later, I think you should take some solace in the fact that she came clean immediately. She got drunk and did something stupid and hurtful, in part without thinking. Before you kick her to the curb, you should consider giving her a second chance and working to get past what she did.

 

As for your "friend", however -- that's another matter. He was with a friend's wife, watched her get drunk and puke everywhere, and took advantage of the situation. His obligation, as your buddy, is to watch your back. Instead, he f*cked your wife. In that situation, I'd write him out of your life. There are lots of friends out there who WON'T stab you in the back at the first opportunity. He's a cockroach piece of shyt.

[lighthouse]

1. You shouldn't of ever let your wife go out alone.

 

I'm sure you have female coworkers that would've volunteered to accompany her. NEVER, EVER let your wife go out alone with another man......friend or no!

 

2. You're friend should pay. Vengeance belongs to God, and I have to follow that. About the only thing that would make me disobey this, would be someone violating my wife. My own flesh and blood being taken advantage of.....I would definitely have to put the hurt on him.

 

I'm not saying that you should hunt him down and torture him. I'm not saying that at all. I am telling you that if this would've happened to me.....my friend would be in the morning paper suffering mysterious injuries, and unable to tell anybody what happened to him......

 

3. And most importantly. You must treat your wife as if YOU did this to her.

 

It IS your fault. Like it or not. You have to live with it. You have to avoid this from happening again. You may even need professional help to forgive yourself for this.....your wife may need professional help to understand that what happened to her wasn't her fault.....it's going to be a mess for a while.....

 

AND, for heaven's sakes.....don't look at this as a marriage falling apart!

 

Look at this as a wound that will heal, and will make your skin thicker.....an opportunity to make your union stronger than ever.....

 

Lastley, find her a group of women to hang out with.....that doesn't involve alcohol.....

 

I disagree. It is not your fault but you and she are definitely going to need to see a MC and she absolutely needs an IC and probably you as well. Maybe I am different I have gone out with guy friends when I was involved in a R and nothing happened - ever. If I had done something like this then that would have been my idiotic mistake, certainly not my SOs.

Grunt I don't think that your marriage is over. Right now what is most important is your children and, crappy as it is, your wife's health. The fact that she tried to kill herself takes precedence over everything right now. Once that hurdle has been crossed you can focus on your marriage and what needs to be done.

Moose - I don't know how your world works but "finding someone a group of women" to hang out with seems weird to me. I don't think that Grunt (or any man or woman) should pick anyone else's friends. Maybe she can find friends on her own!

LH

[Rooster_DAR]

BTW,

 

I hate to sound pessimistic, but my last wife did the exact same thing as your s did. She came home and confessed, I blew up, she begged me to stay and cited she truly loved me.

 

Year and a half later, she wound up ***ing another guy she worked with which wound up ending the whole thing.

 

roost

[lighthouse]

Oh and while I don't think that your x-friend becoming "mysteriously" hurt will be good (in fact he sounds like such a bad person/friend that I would be more worried about what he would do) I certainly would not be inviting him to any picnics and I would, carefully, worn all of your friends and their wives about this man because he sounds like a sexual predator.

LH

[Sup]

I am in my 30's and married with 2 beuatiful kids. I have an excellent job with a bit of international travel and I have been married to my childhood sweet heart for just over ten years. I am very committed to my marriage and have resisted, despite various opportunities, mucking around with onyone.

 

My wife, a beautiful woman, who had not had many relationships (none sexual) before we were married is very much a 'home body'. After going through a bit of a rough patch recently (moving city due to my job and adjusting to a new foreign country) I had been encouraging her to go out a bit, even if I was not around, to build up her confidence and get her to meet some people. She is not a big drinker but normally knows her boundaries and sticks to them.

 

We have an good sexual relationship by any measure and despite ups and downs over the last 10 years have a stong relationship with open communication.

 

If she has to much to drink, she can be pretty flirtatious and unaware of her impact on the men around her.

 

Last night I flew home from a three day work trip knowing my wife was out for a few drinks and live music with a good friend of mine at the local pub. I had expected they would be joined there by some work colleagues as we had done once. By the time I arrived home it was just after midnight. I sent the babysiter home, unpacked my back, had a shower and went to bed at about 1 am). As I lay down it entered my mind that my wife would get home any time as the badn at the local pub normally finished at midnight and, as she was with my trusted friend she was safe. My head hit the pillow and, after a tough week etc, I slept.

 

I woke to the sound of my wife coming into the room at around 4:30 am. After seeing the time, I was straight away worried that something had happened and ask if she was OK. Out spilled tears and the story....

 

'I went to the pub, only your friend was there, not the work colleagues we had been out with before. We had a few drinks and watched the band. Your friend was joined by some others who he new from previous visits to the same pub. They were drinking a lot and encouraged me to have some shots. Eventually I was quite drunk and told your friend that I wanted to go home. When we got outside I realised I was feeling pretty sick. We walked for a while in the direction of home, then jumped in a taxi. Your friend told the taxi to take us to his place (his place is just one block past our place). When we got there I realised I was not at home and new I was going to be sick so asked to use the bathroom. We went up stairs. After being in the toilet for almost half an hour and throwing up 3 times I finally emerged to find your friend watch a movie. We sat and talked for a while. Your friend had had a rough week and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I felt like I didn't really care what was happening but I did'nt really enjoy it either. It just happened.'

 

My reaction was explosive...I am devestated. My friend, who I thought was a 'Gentleman' I could trust has betrayed me. My wife has never done anything like this before and was so riddled with guilt that she told me as soon as she walked in the door.

 

What do I make of all this ?

 

My wife went out with my good friend who watched her get drunk, throw up and who was not in a clear state of mind and he took full advantage and had sex with her.

 

I am so confused. My first instinct was to kick my wife out of the house and head over to my friends place with a baseball bat and beat him severely.

 

Now I am just absolutly devestated. The anger I feel I am worried I will not be able to contain. If my ex friend came with in reach of me there would be a serious problem. My wife has subsequently suffered a breakdown due to guilt and attempted to take her own life (she never was the most emotional robust). She was submitted to hospital and sedated within 3 hours of arriving home.

 

How can my life be so completely f****ed up in the blink of an eye ?

What should I do ? I feel I will never be able to trust my wife ever again. What about my children...they need their mother....

 

Help me !!

 

Don't talk to you ex-friend in person, you can call him over the phone and really give him apiece of your mind, also terminate your friendship with him, he's NO friend. You have every right to leave your wife over this, her being drunk is NO excuse for what she did. Ussually there is more to it than what is being told here, you can count on it. If she has done this once, she probably has done it before, or will do it again. If I were you I would probably leave her. By the way things like this DON'T "just happen".

[Sup]

1. You shouldn't of ever let your wife go out alone.

 

I'm sure you have female coworkers that would've volunteered to accompany her. NEVER, EVER let your wife go out alone with another man......friend or no!

 

2. You're friend should pay. Vengeance belongs to God, and I have to follow that. About the only thing that would make me disobey this, would be someone violating my wife. My own flesh and blood being taken advantage of.....I would definitely have to put the hurt on him.

 

I'm not saying that you should hunt him down and torture him. I'm not saying that at all. I am telling you that if this would've happened to me.....my friend would be in the morning paper suffering mysterious injuries, and unable to tell anybody what happened to him......

 

3. And most importantly. You must treat your wife as if YOU did this to her.

 

It IS your fault. Like it or not. You have to live with it. You have to avoid this from happening again. You may even need professional help to forgive yourself for this.....your wife may need professional help to understand that what happened to her wasn't her fault.....it's going to be a mess for a while.....

 

AND, for heaven's sakes.....don't look at this as a marriage falling apart!

 

Look at this as a wound that will heal, and will make your skin thicker.....an opportunity to make your union stronger than ever.....

 

Lastley, find her a group of women to hang out with.....that doesn't involve alcohol.....

 

BULLCRAP!!!!! It's not his fault:sick: But, he shouldn't have let her go out with another man!

 

I agree there.

[Rooster_DAR]

Yeah, I was trying to figure the IT's YOUR Fault thing out too. I think/hope it was just a typo. Of course, it could be he backstabbing friend posting that.

 

[Sup]

Yeah, I was trying to figure the IT's YOUR Fault thing out too. I think/hope it was just a typo. Of course, it could be he backstabbing friend posting that.

 

 

I agree there, I hadn't thought of that, well his "friend" is a loser whoever he is.

[Moose]

BULLCRAP!!!!! It's not his fault:sick: But, he shouldn't have let her go out with another man!

 

I agree there.

The reason I said it's his fault is because he is the one who initiated this get together in the first place.

 

I understand that the full intention was that other co-workers where to be there.....however, he chose a member of the opposite sex to escort her.

 

Even if the whole crew where there, it would still place her in a situation with him alone both having consumed alcohol at one point or another.

 

I think the better senario would've been a female escort....or even two....so, that's why I view this as his fault. It's just my opinion folks....take it or leave it....

Moose - I don't know how your world works but "finding someone a group of women" to hang out with seems weird to me. I don't think that Grunt (or any man or woman) should pick anyone else's friends. Maybe she can find friends on her own!

Judging by this thread, she hasn't had much success in doing this, otherwise, the OP wouldn't have attempted this. Surely there are women's workshops in their area that he could mention to her....

[Rooster_DAR]

Why don't we get together and go rough up the ba**rd! What's his address?

 

[Rooster_DAR]

Ahhh, I kinda read between the lines on that one. It's a little harsh, but yes never let your love go out with the opposite sex for a casual time, it just asking for trouble.

 

This is something that should be discussed in a working relationship, and the rules need to be stated and agreed by both partners before pursuing their committment together.

 

_

[lighthouse]

Judging by this thread, she hasn't had much success in doing this, otherwise, the OP wouldn't have attempted this. Surely there are women's workshops in their area that he could mention to her....

I am sure that there are knitting groups for all the women who want to live in the 1950s. Personally as it is 2006 and June Cleaver isn't really the role model anymore I prefer finding my friends on my own without "workshops."

Are you for real?

Wait, don't answer because let's not hijack this thread.

Grunt, please let us know what is happening.

LH

[Moose]

Personally as it is 2006 and June Cleaver isn't really the role model anymore I prefer finding my friends on my own without "workshops."

Good for you. You should. But like I said, I think the issue is that the husband is gone...a lot.

 

She's there by herself, and she hasn't gone out for herself, so he's tried to help out in that area, and failed miserably.

 

I'm trying to show him other avenues from my point of view.

 

Just so you know, there are several other activities out there for wifes such as this that don't involve knitting, and are real with the times......

 

For example, these two have two children. There are activities at school that are literally begging for help. Even if they aren't in school, it's not too early to get involved.

 

Community Colleges are nice too. Learn a hobby, a language, a musical instrument.......expand this way, and the friends, (hopefully good ones), come naturally...

 

CHURCH would be my first choice......but again, that's just me....

[whichwayisup]

The reason I said it's his fault is because he is the one who initiated this get together in the first place.

 

I disagree. This was a TRUSTED friend, who obviously is friends with him and his wife - Therefore, the friend took advantage. This is NOT the original poster's fault. 90% of it was the friends fault, and 10% her fault. She should have not stayed and chatted, she was drunk, sick and wanted to go home - Probably felt obligated to atleast stay and chat, but made the wrong choice.

What I don't get is, why didn't she call home........

 

All I know is, you need to talk to your wife afew more times, when she's sober and thinking more clearly. There IS another side to this story! I"m not saying it didn't happen as your wife said it did, but you have to hear your friend (soon to be EX friend) side too.

 

This was an awful mistake, I think your wife knows this too. You love her, you two have children together, so give her chance to make it right. Use this as a wake up call - FIX the little things that you may not know are broken in your marriage. GO to counselling, together and figure it out.

 

I know you're pissed off, rightfully so! Just don't DO anything physical that you'll regret to the ex friend.....Don't want to see ya end up in jail.

 

Give yourself time to calm down, then sit with your wife, discuss it all in detail again...see how you feel, what she feels and together try to fix things.

[LVspecB]

90% of it was the friends fault, and 10% her fault. She should have not stayed and chatted, she was drunk, sick and wanted to go home - Probably felt obligated to atleast stay and chat, but made the wrong choice.

I don't think that most men, including the OP, would agree with your 90/10 assessment. Let's see, drinking at the bar, voluntary. Going to the friend's place, voluntary. Staying there once the a**holes intentions were clear, voluntary. Allowing " one thing led to another and we ended up having sex", voluntary. I'm sure the OP's wife is consumed by remorse - most people that do really bad things are. For his children's sake, he needs to hold it together for the next month while he sorts things out. But trust this woman again? I'd think long and hard...

 

LVspecB

[whichwayisup]

I see your point. She is responsible for her own actions, drunk or sober... And being drunk is NO excuse in my books. IF someone can't handle their booze, DON'T DRINK! It's as simple as that.

 

Ofcourse I blame them both, maybe my 90-10 percent was off, but the way she came home and confessed right away is a good thing. She could have not said a word.....

 

This is now an opportunity to fix the marriage. Her one night stand is a big red flag that things are not as good as it may appear.

 

My wife, a beautiful woman, who had not had many relationships (none sexual) before we were married is very much a 'home body'.

 

Not all women who haven't had much experience, sexual and relationships, with other people before settling down cheat, but many do. This could be a reason. Has nothing to do with her husband, it's something inside her.

 

After going through a bit of a rough patch recently (moving city due to my job and adjusting to a new foreign country) I had been encouraging her to go out a bit, even if I was not around, to build up her confidence and get her to meet some people. She is not a big drinker but normally knows her boundaries and sticks to them.

 

So, her drinking and doing what she did is completely out of character for her.

 

And, a new place to live, making new friends, etc, seems she was lonely. NO excuse to have a one night stand, but something inside her took over. Again, it's out of character for his wife....

 

If she has to much to drink, she can be pretty flirtatious and unaware of her impact on the men around her.

 

But - When comfortable enough, she lets loose, and it seems the booze had alot to do with it. Or the flirting which got out of hand.

 

Either way, he still has to talk to the ex friend, find out his side. Not saying his wife is lying, but her side isn't the actual truth. You know that old saying, 3 sides to a story...her side, his side and what actually happened, the real truth of it.

[LVspecB]

I You know that old saying, 3 sides to a story...her side, his side and what actually happened, the real truth of it.

True in all situations, but especially applicable here. Her story does sound like it has some spin on it. Again, his short-term focus has got to be on his kids, as they are the other victims here. Mom's in the hospital, the OP is obviously a wreck (who wouldn't be?), definitely some ripple effect here...

LVspecB