one big mess

[Sarah_L]

I have gotten myself into a predicament and I need some advice. I have been with Bret for almost two years. I have questioned my true feelings for him since the beginning. I have thought about breaking up with him a few times, but I always end up changing my mind. He has told me that he loves me and basically wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Here's the problem, I have recently been spending more time with my friend, Tim. I have always like of liked him, but I never had an opportunity to let him know. Last weekend I found out that he likes me.

 

If I wasn't dating Bret, I would definitely try a relationship with Tim. So I am currently trying to decide which direction I want to go - Do I break up with Bret and give Tim a chance, or do I stay with Bret? I don't want to break Bret's heart, but I want to make sure that I am happy too.

 

I know no one can tell me what I should do. But any advice would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

Follow your heart....

[Bill]

Sarah_L: go with the one you love

[Ally Boo]

Don't go with what you think would be better....go with your heart, NOT your head!

[Sarah_L]

It would be a lot easier to follow my heart if I knew what it is trying to tell me. How do yo know you are in love???

 

I guess I am just worried that if I do break up with Bret, he will probably never speak to me again. And what if things don't work out with Tim? Will I still be able to keep his as the friend that he is right now? If only I could see how each situation would end, life would be so much easier.

 

I plan to talk to Bret tonight. Hopefully I can sort out my feelings by doing this. Wish me luck!

[Tony T]

If you don't realize you're in love, chances are you aren't. But all too many people realize how much they love the other person after they have gone and it's way too late to get it back together.

 

I'm real sorry but we here can only help you so much. There's just no way we can determined whether you love this guy or not...and if you don't know....wow...that's a tough one.

 

When I've loved someone, there's NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER been one single question in my mind about it.

 

I think what you probably ought to consider right now is uncomplicating your life. And it really doesn't matter who you love or who you don't love. If a person isn't making your life more pleasant and fulfilling, just let them go!

 

Don't expect to keep everybody in your life around forever. If somebody leaves and never speaks to you again, it's just some rest for your vocal cords. Sure it hurts...but that's a reality in life. If someone is not your friend, they just aren't.

[Ally Boo]

...like you need a break from both of them. You've been unsure about your feelings about Bret from the beginning. I can personally identify with this, bc I felt the same way about my ex husband. I always doubted myself.

 

I don't think you are in love with Bret. If I were you, I'd tell Bret that you need to step away from the relationship for a bit. Then use that time to think about what you really want.

 

Trust me, its a LOT easier to get married than it is to get a divorce.

[tanbark813]

It sounds to me like you already know that you want to be with Tim and the decision isn't weighed on who would you rather be with, but that you know that if it doesn't work out with Tim then you may have to be alone for a bit. I think that is what's really giving you trouble.

 

I'm not going to say who you should be with, because only you can answer that, but I will say: Don't ever let fear stand in the way of doing what's right for you.

[Sarah_L]

I thought you might like to know what is going on...

 

Well, I talked to Bret last night. It was not pretty. He was very confused as to why I wanted to take a break from our relationship, especially since we have been going out for almost 2 years. I was trying really hard to avoid the fact that I am interested in another guy. But it did come out eventually, and that made him even more upset. He kept asking questions that I didn't want to answer.

 

In this kind of emotional situation I have a really hard time expressing my feelings, so I basically sat there listening to Bret go on and on about how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me. He even said that he would have asked me to marry him this past summer, but he knew that I wasn't ready yet. I keep trying to tell him that I need time to think about this, but he still wants to spend time with me and talk to me. I know this is tearing him apart, but it is also killing me. Now that I have mentioned this other guy (I didn't tell him his name), Bret feels like I have cheated on him. I don't feel like I have. Am I wrong? After my talk with Bret, all I wanted to do was go and talk to Tim about what happened. I decided that it wouldn't be the best thing to do.

 

I'm not sure what to do next. Should I distance myself from Bret and give myself time to think? Or should I spend time with him and talk to him?

[butterflyz]

you did the right thing by talking to Bret. now, you need to leave him alone. let him heal on his own. your guilt won't make it better it will make it worse.

 

as for tim, you might as well talk to him and see how he feels.

 

the situation may not end up neat and tidy. but you did do the right thing with Bret. he feels like you cheated, but you didn't.

[Ally Boo]

I would say that if you didn't have any kinda sexual contact with him (kissing, etc) then you did not cheat on him. You would have cheated on him if you would have pursued this relationship without telling Bret that you needed a break.

 

He's just upset. I agree with Butterflyz, just step away, let him heal. And you may not realize this, but you are probably going to have to do some healing on yourself too.

 

Good luck!

[Sarah_L]

Ever since I talked to Bret about taking a break, all he wants to do is spend time with me. He thinks that I started having these doubts about our relationship because he hasn't been around much this past month. So now he wants to spend every possible moment with me. He has told me that he loves me and will NOT give up on me. He even showed up at my place with 2 dozen roses! If I do see him, either he wants to talk about this or he kind of acts like there is nothing wrong.

 

I keep telling him that I just need some time to figure out what I want. He keeps asking me how long I expect him to wait. I feel like this is the make or break point in the relationship - either I let him go or I stay with him forever. This is not something I feel like I can decide over night! I know I said this before, but I'm just not sure if I love him. I guess I just thought that if I did love him, it would be a much stronger/obvious feeling.

 

Also, I have not had a chance to talk to Tim recently. I think I have decided to remain friends with him, at least for now. I don't want to make him wait for me to decide what to do with my relationship with Bret.

 

So, does anyone have any idea how I should try to deal with Bret's need to spend time with me?

[Ally Boo]

The farther away you push, the closer he is going to come. You have to put a brick wall in front of him...like change your numbers or something, til he realizes that you are serious.

[butterflyz]

explain that the more he pursues you, the less you want to be with him.

 

loving another person means being tuned into their needs. many people forget that and only obsess about the fact that they are losing someone. they don't think about another's needs, become selfish, push harder and then.........it's over.

 

i think he is being selfish. if he cared about you, he'd leave you alone to make your decision.

 

you need to change your number. if he shows up with flowers, don't answer the door - telling him to go away. taking the flowers with him. if asks to see you, say no. you need to be firm, explaining to him bluntly that you don't know if you love him. and pushing you harder isn't going to lean you in his direction.