Never knew I could experence so much stress

[AHIWON]

I've been reading this fourm for the last few days. Today I was working on putting together a detailed document about the history of my relationship and what has been happening so I could post it. It's a long explanation and not finished yet. I was hoping to finish it but am unable to from the info I just received from my SO. Essentially it appears she is having an emotional affair with a coworker. His name is Ted. She called me about a half hour ago to tell me she isn't coming home tonight and wouldn't tell me where she is going. I said well thats fine if thats what you need but can you tell me you are not planning on spending the night with Ted. If she want's to go some place else and not tell me then thats fine. She wouldn't agree to exclude that from what she will be doing. Looks like she will be spending the night with Ted after all. Not many other ways to interpret that. She claims it's a control thing with me and I don't need to know anything about Ted.

 

I am absolutely devastated. We have been together for 13 years and lived together for 10. We were supposed to get married and start a family. The last 5 years I have suffered from depression and general anxiety disorder. The depression has been gone for the last 6 months or so and so has the panic attacks. My life was just starting to come together again and now this. I am very worried that those demons will return. Even after all we have been thru I still love her. Would like to know one way or the other if she is actually having an affair. She isn't saying much about it. Won't talk and is generally aggressive, argumentative and hostile towards me. Even if I am very calm and passionate, sensitive in the way I speak to her about just asking to talk. She just responds with "all you want to do is argue with me.

 

I am a mess. I may have to go to the hospital tonight. The stress level is more than I can handle right now.

[MoonGirl]

I'm sorry you're in pain. You can do some reading about infidelity at www.marriagebuilders.com

 

An emotional affair IS an affair, and is probably more dangerous than just a physical affair.

 

Hang in there. Don't beg your wife for details, don't beg for her attention, don't cry and stomp in her presence. It will make you appear weak to her, and thus terribly unattractive. Try to keep cool. Do some things for yourself: workout, read, hang out with friends. And keep posting here.

[Trialbyfire]

She has all the signs and symptoms of a cheater. The hostility, hiding things, aggressive attacks on you and the blaming you for the control aspect where a healthy relationship should be open communication. Try not to take it like it's a reflection on you because she's the one who's putting her personal issues on you.

 

Time to step back, breathe, try to think clearly. What do you need from her? Write it down, then, when she comes home, discuss it with her. If she doesn't want to give you what you need or the two of you can't compromise, it's definitely time to distance yourself from her before it gets worse. Trust me it can get incredibly debilitating.

[AHIWON]

Thanks for the support. This fourm seems great.

 

Here is the excerpt I wrote about the possible affair. Before that happened she had also mentoned she doesn't love me any more.

 

Anyways here it is:

 

December 20th comes. Will be a date I will never forget for the rest of my life.

 

Ted is someone at my SO’s work that she has been spending a lot of time with for at least the last 6 months. She has never mentioned anything about him until I sensed she was trying to hide something by franticly closing down a computer chat screen whenever I came around. I asked what she was doing and she said nervously nothing. I knew at that point something was wrong. About an hour later the did the same thing again. Intuition is telling me something is severely wrong. Later that night when she left the pc, I brought up the browser history and discovered she was chatting with someone and had sent 19 messages in a short period of time. I also found out they had looked at a astrology site comparing astrological signs for love, compatibility and their outlook together for the year coming up. I have never looked at my SO”s web history before that time. Never had a reason to and something I never thought about. I became literally sick at that point. I confronted her. She would not tell me anything except she was chatting with "just a friend" over and over. “Just a friend” is a phrase that sent a chill down my spine and a knot in my stomach. It is not something anybody wants to hear from their spouse. Easy to see where this is going.

 

From his email address I was able to find out several things about him like his interests and name. One thing I dug up was something the two of them were doing all last fall called geocaching. Ted had commented on the finds and signed each of the entries with their names. Some of them he referred to her as his mistress. Others were described as going for a quickie at lunch ect. As I was discovering these facts without knowing the whole story I was asking my SO some points about it and she lied a bunch of times trying to cover things up. She even had him edit some of the comments he had left throughout last fall but much of the Internet is cached and I was able to pull up the original comments quite easily. I asked her many questions trying to get an understanding of what has happened. Most of the time I got no answer at all. Some of the answers I got made me more suspicious of an affair. I asked her if she had any feelings for him. She said, "I don't know."

 

I straight out asked if she was having an affair. She said what difference does it make.

 

I asked her how much time she has been spending with him and what they were doing together. She said not very much but some of the geocaching locations are too far away from her work to be able to complete during one lunch break. Some of them had to have taken several hours if everything went perfectly.

 

My SO told me she hasn't been doing anything with Ted since last falls geocaching activities. I know someone who works at the same place as my SO but she doesn’t know him. I know several other people as well but this particular person agreed to tell me any thing he notices happening between the two of them. He has told me that they are spending a lot of time together at work. They are also spending a lot of time together outside work during lunch ect. as well. She now knows that I know they have been doing other things together right up to now and she has admitted to it but will not tell me any details of what they have been doing. Before she lied about it. She eventually told me that she has been discussing all the issues between me and her with him. Spouse bashing is another good sign of an emotional affair. She absolutely refuses to talk about any of those issues with me. Always excuses as to why she can’t. New excuses every week. The old ones get forgotten.

 

My SO has told me plenty of lies trying to cover up this whole Ted thing. I am unsure what to believe and what not to believe. It has most of the attributes of an emotional affair at least.

 

[FONT=&quot]I asked when can I meet him since he is just a friend. My SO said he would never agree to that. I would try to kill him. That is a strange thing to hear since she has never seen me be violent towards anybody ever. It just isn’t who I am.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[AHIWON]

One other thing I was thinking about but not sure if it would be appropriate or not. 1) Having her read this thread. 2) Having her post in it with her own user id. Any thoughts on that or should this not be something she should know about? I have no issues with sharing my thoughts and feelings so anything I will say here she will already know anyway.

[AHIWON]

She just called but I didn't answer the phone as it was an unlisted number. It was my SO leaving a message on the answering machine saying she is spending the night at a female friend of hers that I never heard of before. I don't know if thats true but at least she called. I won't make a big deal about it as I shouldn't. I won't even bring it up. She has kept her life very secretive from me. If it doesn't happen right in front of me then it's "none of my business" is the typical reply or you are trying to control me. She uses that as an excuse for everything. Simple every day little questions. This will be a very interesting thread on dysfunctional relationships by the time it's done.

 

I have calmed down quite a bit since my first post, even laughed a few times but I am still very stressed. Wish there was a button we could push to just turn off the caring part of the brain. Too bad we aren't designed that way.

[Trialbyfire]

You're taking this the right way, waiting and seeing what happens versus getting completely emotionally stressed out. A perfect way to approach and discuss things with your SO when she returns. If she continues to shut you out, you have to consider what you're willing to accept as a relationship. I can't stress how important it is to keep evidence of her indiscretions if it ever comes to some form of legal battle over assets since the two of you lived together common-law for a decade.

[AHIWON]

Thanks for the responce. Discussing things with her has become impossible but I still haven't given up. When I'm very calm, collective, sincere and with a gentle tone I will try to ask things like "Can we explore why you have a problem talking with me" About 5 seconds into that question she has already become very angry and replys with "All you want to do is argue with me"

 

It's hard to get even a spare moment of her time. She seems addicted to tv and will snap at me if I interrupt her show.

 

Thats tough to deal with. She must have so much built up inside. Another side effect of an emotional affair is spending all ones time chatting with the cheater and becoming emotionally close to them. Spouse gets left out of those kind of conversations. My SO has always had problems talking with me. Always blames it all on me as the reason she can't. I don't know what it will take. I was thinking of heading half way across the country to spend some time with family. I could use some emotional support right now and I have none where I live. Would also give me and my SO a chance to cool off and maybe have a better chance at working this out. Temporary separation might just do us some good.

[Trialbyfire]

A perfect idea. Family can be an excellent support network and give you the balance that you're currently not receiving. Do it, get your head on straight and then make some decisions from there.

 

I haven't given out bunnies for days, so here's one for you.

 

[AHIWON]

I'm in Canada so the laws on common law relationships is basically you get what ever you put in. We have no kids, just 2 dogs, a cat and a house. The legal part of that should be fairly simple. If it comes down to that which I hope it doesn't, a good friend of mine is a lawyer and has actually sued my SO's company and the Toronto police force for some bad things they did to somebody. He will take care of me in that regard if I need it, he is really good at what he does. Personally he isn't too happy about what is happening with me right now. I only let him know a couple of days ago.

[AHIWON]

Thanks for the reassurance and the bunny. I bred them when I was a kid. Bunnies are cool. Multiply like....well rabbits but they are cool.

[AHIWON]

I tried to edit post # 10. It's saying I only have 240 minutes to do so and can't right now. It's only been a few minutes. Bug I guess. Anyways here is what I wanted to add:

 

I forgot the cars. One of them is kind of special to me. I expected to be able to hand it down to my children and grand children. I bought and paid for it but it's regestered in my SO's name. It has always been called and regarded as mine to everyone. Lawyer thinks I should be able to get it back. SO has been threatening to sell it on me.

[AHIWON]

One other thing, she absolutely refuses to believe that I even had depression. She saw the whole thing before her eyes. I stayed in bed for days and days, wouldn't get out to even eat. It was like a jail but the safest place I knew of. Thats common amongst people with long term depression. She seen me taken to the hospital by ambulance due to panic attacks. She was not there for me at all when I needed her the most. She ignored me most of the time and would even say derogatory things about me. The complete opposite of what I needed. I begged her many times to come spend some time with me and talk. She was more interested in TV. I thought that was extremely cold. Inside I was begging for her to come ask if there is some way she could help. I kept thinking to my self ok, maybe tomorrow but that day never came.

 

At first I tried to hide my depression from her. I was ashamed of it and thought it would pass. I don't even remember the point I finally told her. That has been the only thing I ever tried to hide from her.

 

She doesn't believe it at all. Tells me I am to lazy to work. I worked damn hard to put my self thru college all by myself. according to work reviews and coworkers, I went beyond expectations as a Systems Analyst. Everybody told me that. Lazy is not even close to describe how I am.

 

I asked if she did any research on depression. She said she did but listed off a bunch of symptoms of addiction which aren't even close. Apparently another lie.

[AHIWON]

Oh, and the MC we saw for 3 sessions. He did get a little snippet of our lives but overall I didn't think he was good. I was not allowed to bring up Ted at all. I have a lot of questions and few answers. I need them. She was supposed to tell me about her day. I was supposed to tell her about my job search. This was supposed to build trust was my interpretation.

 

 

I emailed the MC twice and got no response. He told us he mainly deals with teenagers. He was supposed to call us in a few days after our last session but he didn't call for a week and 1/2. He was sick. Imagine being sick and not calling into work for a week and a half. He is supposed to be working for US! Eventually after my SO called him to see WTF is going on he called us for a joint telephone conversation and told us that we should seek individual counseling. Nothing more he could do for us. My SO interpreted this as him dumping us and a reflection of our failed relationship and we should just give up. I said I was not happy with him at all due to the reasons I listed above. I won't base our relationship on one counselor that I think is bad and we should get another one. The SO doesn't agree and has pursued a counselor for herself. For now I'm going to opt out. I've already seen enough shrinks and counselors while battling depression. Not sure how another would help. I've learned more here reading this forum in the last couple of days than he could offer us in 50 sessions.

 

I'm now addicted to this place and you will never get rid of me. Relationships are to me the one of the most important parts of life and takes up a large portion of your life so why not learn every thing you can to make it the best possible. I had some basic ideas of how things should be but the reading I've done has really opened my eyes to much more and given me insight to what I already knew.

[ilmw]

Sounds like you had a dud of a therapist.

 

I'd look around for another... get some referrals if you can.

 

IC can be very beneficial...for figuring out your own issues...so getting the help is worth looking into.

 

and ... Yes... this place can be addictive ... but getting professional help is important. I went and opened up a hole can of worms.. I never knew about.. learned .. revealed some of my deepest... hangups.. anger... you name it.

 

Once you have these things revealed... and they are seen in the light of day.. you can start to deal with them. Dealing with them... makes them go away... I once had a huge chip on my shoulder.... now I don't... I never quite knew why it was there... I knew it was there... just never could get why it was.

 

Now its gone... I feel 10.. no 20 lbs lighter... I can deal with things so much easier... I'm more light hearted.. and I know I smile allot more. I feel much..much better about me.... That my friend was because of IC.

 

So do yourself the faviour... get some.

 

ilmw

[AHIWON]

I want another MC too but so far the SO is set on individual.

 

Thats the doom and gloom I mentioned. Perhaps he can help her with that. I hope. She also needs to learn that everybody makes mistakes and it's ok to say you are sorry when it happens. I've never seen her apologize in our time together to me or anyone else. SHE DOESN"T MAKE MISTAKES, EVER! except moving in with me - her only one. Not even meant as a mistake, meant as an insult.

 

last week at a party we played this couples game on how well you knew your spouse. One question was How would you rate your spouses sexual performance. She answered Zero. I thought that was really low as the last time we ever had sex back in october she had a g-spot orgasm on top. I was really hurt by her answer even tho I knew it wasn't true. Deliberately saying things to hurt me. She won't even hold my hand anymore. Hasn't in months.

 

Yet she sometimes asks questions about if I care for her. I told her I do, she means more than the entire world to me still. I've told her things like that many times since I opened up. She doesn't believe it either she says.

 

Meanwhile she keeps asking looking for reassurance that I do. She is the one that said she didn't love me! I've told her I loved and why a million times. Still doesn't believe me she says. Not sure how much I could say anything about it more convincing. I don't pour my heart out to anyone with things like that.

[AHIWON]

Sounds like you had a dud of a therapist.

 

I'd look around for another... get some referrals if you can.

 

IC can be very beneficial...for figuring out your own issues...so getting the help is worth looking into.

 

and ... Yes... this place can be addictive ... but getting professional help is important. I went and opened up a hole can of worms.. I never knew about.. learned .. revealed some of my deepest... hangups.. anger... you name it.

 

Once you have these things revealed... and they are seen in the light of day.. you can start to deal with them. Dealing with them... makes them go away... I once had a huge chip on my shoulder.... now I don't... I never quite knew why it was there... I knew it was there... just never could get why it was.

 

Now its gone... I feel 10.. no 20 lbs lighter... I can deal with things so much easier... I'm more light hearted.. and I know I smile allot more. I feel much..much better about me.... That my friend was because of IC.

 

So do yourself the faviour... get some.

 

ilmw

 

 

After reading that again I have to agree with you again. Our MC sucked. A good one can do wonders. Her folks were trying to lure me into engagement partis from the church. I told the MIL that we had bigger problems than that. It's going to take a lot of work and we will both have to want to do it in order to be a good couple. She somewhat agreed. She doen't understand the complexities of this problem.

 

 

We need another marrage counceler. The last one didn't do us any good.

 

I'm not sure what I should now try to persuade my SO to do.

Get another MC and try again (I want to Option 1)

I go cross country and visit my Family and we get some time apart to cool off and rediscover what we each want in a relationship. reestablish the boundaries so to speak. (option 2)

 

I am kinda leaning towards doing #2 first, then # 1. I think it could make a world of difference.

[AHIWON]

we are both co dependent, that ain't helping anything either. She doesn't even know what that is yet.

[AHIWON]

One other thing I was thinking about but not sure if it would be appropriate or not. 1) Having her read this thread. 2) Having her post in it with her own user id. Any thoughts on that or should this not be something she should know about? I have no issues with sharing my thoughts and feelings so anything I will say here she will already know anyway.

 

 

What about this? It it ok or not ok?

[Gunny376]

Hi! And welcome to LS! Have a seat, and cup of coffee.

 

I'm the guy around here, that known more for his subtle, touchey~feeling approach ~ the sensitive type.

 

Here's my call on the ball?!

 

She's having an emotional affair with "Ted" if not more than likely an phyiscal affair. You really don't believe that she's spending the night at a GF's house, do you? She's at Ted's.

 

I went through this crap seventeen years ago ~ wish LS and the internet had been around then. A lot of what's coming out of her mouth right now is "fog-talk" that cheaters talk. Its right out of the "Cheaters Handbook" She's got her head so far up her ass, even she couldn't recognize reality if it walk up and slapped her in the face! And, it will. The sooner the better. Right now, she's putting you through Chapter 1, titled "Are You Going To Believe Me ~ Or Your Lying Eyes?!" with Chapter 2 to come, which is "I'm Not Pissing On Your Leg ~ It Really Is Raining!" Then comes Chapter 3, which is, "I Love You ~ But I'm Not In Love With You!"

 

Because of your depression and anxiety attacks, (which by the way ~ ain't no joke) she preceived you as a "beta-male" and went and found what she preceives as an "alpha-male"

 

I'll probally catch a lot of flack for this ~ but the thing for you to do is to "man-up" and go back to being an "alpha male" its your only chance of salvaging the relationship.

 

To do so? Pack her trash up, change the locks on the doors,gain control of any and all financial assests, and throw her out on her ear, and kick her to the curb, and don't look back. She doesn't respect you, and you've got zero chance with her until you've gained her resepct back. Right now she's playig you ~ until she can fanthom things out with Ted! Fine, then let her do it on his/her dime, not yours.

 

"But, but, where will I go?! Go stay with your friend Ted!

 

Disrupt their time table. Disrupt their schedule. More than likely it'll throw a monkey wrench in Ted's gearbox! "What, What! What's going on, all of a sudden I've got a live in GF? WTF?

 

A couple of things will happen. One is that you're going to become the biggest SOB on the planet. She's going to be seriously pissed off with you. But, by God she'll respect you! The other is she'll move in with Ted, because she doesn't have anywhere to go. In time she'll find that Ted is sometimes depressed, has anxiety attacks, panic attacks, belches when he drinks beer, farts, doesn't look so cute when he wakes up with "bed-hair" and isn't so easy to get along with, nor as cute as he is at the office.

 

Forget this broad! What's she got the the other 3.6 BILLION other women on the planet don't have? She runs off with Ted, you're better off. All it means is that you've got to get up tommorow morning and go find you someone else! Damn the bad luck!

 

Whatever she's got ~ you can find just as much of ~ if not more, ~ just as good as if not better. You're not the one that's losing ~ she is.

 

I realize that this may come as a shock to you ~ but there's no shortage of women.

 

So you went "beta" on her? So what? I've done it, lots of men have lost their center. You're not going to go through this life without going through it at least once. Forget this woman. She's lost respect for you because you hit a low in your life, and that tells you all that you need to know ~ that you don't need her!

[AHIWON]

Hi Gunny376 and thanks for the "touchy feely" advice! Hahahaha! Thats an interesting concept that hasn't crossed my mind. Going beta. I'm not so sure that the depression bout made her lose respect. She has never been respectful. I've asked her many times why she thinks she should be able to treat me like dirt and its ok but I have to treat her like a princess at all times. I ask her if thats the way she things should be. She says yes. I've asked that many times. To me in order to get respect you have to give it too. Thats how it works. Treat me respectfully and I'll give it back 10 fold. I always take the lead there and treat her respectfully for days and even ignore her negative behavior. Eventually I get fed up and I say look you have to stop treating me badly. Don't you notice how I've been nice to you? Why not be nice back? That just ends up turning into a fight. She calls everything a fight. Her way of not having to deal with anything.

 

What hell is that? Is it some kind of denial, a mental condition?

[AHIWON]

Well she hasn't come home and I haven't heard from her either. Perhaps she needs time to herself or she is having fun with Ted. I have no idea. I wish I understood all this stuff, at least I would have a swing at understanding it and maybe able to come to terms with it.

[Gunny376]

You might find some of your answers here?

 

http://womensinfidelity.com/community/viewtopic.php?t=628

 

And, you might want to check out this e-book:

 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

 

Google:

 

"Secrets of The Alpha Male" by Carlos Xuma

[AHIWON]

Thanks for the tips Gunny. I am downloading the e-book Secrets of the Alpha Male right now.

 

See a lot of similarities to my prediciment.

 

A key logger is out of the question. She already thinks I am using one and won't use that pc for much. She was freaking when I was using forensic tools on that PC trying to dig up any past chats. Seemed to think i was gonna dig up a lot of dirt. Sometimes she brings home her work notebook and uses that careful to lock it any time she leaves it for more than 2 seconds. Plenty of chat sessions with Ted on there no doubt.

 

 

I finally told one of my family members what is going on. My sister. I'm gonna clear it with my lawyer if it's ok if I get out of here for a while and go visit my sister. I could use some support with a real breathing human and it will give me a chance to clear my head. I have nobody to turn to here except this fourm which is great. Get my crap together. Become an Alpha male again!!!

[Gunny376]

Hi Gunny376 and thanks for the "touchy feely" advice! Hahahaha! Thats an interesting concept that hasn't crossed my mind. Going beta. I'm not so sure that the depression bout made her lose respect. She has never been respectful. I've asked her many times why she thinks she should be able to treat me like dirt and its ok but I have to treat her like a princess at all times. I ask her if thats the way she things should be. She says yes. I've asked that many times. To me in order to get respect you have to give it too. Thats how it works. Treat me respectfully and I'll give it back 10 fold. I always take the lead there and treat her respectfully for days and even ignore her negative behavior. Eventually I get fed up and I say look you have to stop treating me badly. Don't you notice how I've been nice to you? Why not be nice back? That just ends up turning into a fight. She calls everything a fight. Her way of not having to deal with anything.

 

What hell is that? Is it some kind of denial, a mental condition?

 

I see what part of your promblem is ~ a lot of men suffer from it these days, I even went through it a couple of times during the course of my life.

 

You've got NGS ~ "Nice Guy Syndrone" (a term that I coined up). NGS is a by-product of the femminist movement, combined with too many Hollyweird and TV programs being produced by Hollyweird, turn-coat "sensitive" guys.

 

We get programed and bombarded with all this crap from the femminist movement, the liberals, etc about getting so-called "getting in-touch" with our feminine side, (aka being more senseitive ~ more like women). I'm a guy, a male, a man ~ I don't have a femmine side. I do have a sensetive side. There are things that I've got a weak spot for, and there are things that make me sad. Hell, there are things that make me cry. I just generally don't make a public specitacle of it, and do it in private, There are movies that make my allergies "act up" And, I don't even have any stinking allergies.

 

Women know what I'm about to write is true!

 

Women are constantly "testing us" to see if we're either "Alpha" or "Beta" males. Alpha males lead, or the lead dog, "Beta's" aren't. Being an "Alpha" male isn't about being an overly-masuliine man, its not about being cruel, its not about being mean, its not about hatefule, and its not about being dis-respectful. Its not about, wearing a so-called, "wife-beater" shirt, and beating the Hell out of your wife. Its about calling women on their BS, pulling their punk card, and about being assertive. To do that, you've got to know who you are, and what you're about. As ilmw said, its about knowing what your center is.

 

You've got to develope your own personal code. What you will stand for, and what you will walk on. Its about defining your parameters, and setting your bounderies. Its about defining what are minor offenses, major offenses, and intollerable offenses.

 

You say you've got to give respect ~ in order to get respect, and in part that's true. But, I promise you ~ if I were to walk tall on your ass with a hickory ax handle ~ you're going to have a lot of respect for me.

 

The Arab world hates the Isralies! But, you can bet the ranch, that they respect them, or at least what they can and will do, and have the internal fornitude to do.

 

If I'm in a relationship with a woman ~ she's going to respect me, and if she doesn't ~ I'm not going ~ I'm gone! A woman disrepects me? She's at the very least going to get "spanked" in some way, shape, form or fashion. I'm going to call her on her BS, and I'm going to let her know!

"OH! Hell No!"

 

"The Secrets of An Alpha Male" is a prelude to dating, etc. But it will help you re-find your center.

 

Personally, I'd rather be single, living alone, for the rest of my life, than dealing with what you're dealing with. Forget IC and MC, I'd be putting this gal to the curb. I've been through what you're going through.