Author AHIWON Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Yup, I'm leaning toward ending this completely. It does appear to be an affair. I'm around 95% sure. If I get the other 5% then it's over based on that by it's self. There are so many other issues that has to be dealt with. Trust, respect, intimacy, no secrets, lies, abuse, the chronic TV watching, open communication. That's a hell of a mountain to climb. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 You don't sleep side-by-side with a woman for X number of years and not know? You're in my house ~ I'm not going to expect resepect ~ I'm going to demand it! You're going to respect me or be gone. Either be part of the answers to the questions, and part of the solutions to the problems ~ or be gone. Just that plain ~ just that simple! No brag ~ just fact! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 We sleep in separate rooms for most of our time together. She doesn't like my snoring. Shes always been very unaffectionate anyway and I'm the opposite. Better off in separate beds. I'm gonna make that respect boundary clear before I leave for a temp separation. She can think about that while I'm gone. My sister thinks this relationship is toast too. I told her everything. She went thru the same thing before. Her husband cheated on her about 10 years ago. They had 3 kids which made it worse than me. She is happily remarried now. At least I don't have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Why are you still with her? Is your desire to be in any relationship really this strong that you would put up with this crap? Don't you think that you deserve better than this. If I were you I would dump her right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Why are you still with her? Is your desire to be in any relationship really this strong that you would put up with this crap? Don't you think that you deserve better than this. If I were you I would dump her right now. Vets know vets! Vets understand Vets! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Vets know vets! Vets understand Vets! I am so glad I know this at such a young age. Many men don't learn until they are twice my age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Actually right after I got out of the depression phase, I attempted to conquer the issues in our relationship. Much of this crap is how I ended up in depression in the first place. Fixing it was my attempt at never going back there. Then this Ted stuff happened and added another dimension to the mound of problems we already had. Likely the straw that broke the camels back. Started reading the Alpha male e-book. Looks good so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 I'm about 100 pages into that alpha male book and it's all making sense. I was an alpha male in the past or at least most of the attributes. I just never realized it. Gunny is 100% correct, I has slipped into beta territory. I'm getting the hell out of there tho, regaining my status. That book is helping alot. Combined with the advice in this thread and the conversation I had with my sister last night, I feel a lot better than I did on friday. I'll get thru this. Just need to rediscover and believe in myself. And time. It will be an uphill battle but I can do it. I have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 :d :d Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 About 3/4 thru the book now and it is making complete sense. Spoke with my SO tonight by phone and told her what I have been reading plus posting about our issues on a forum full of other knowledgeable folks who have been thru similar issues. Told her my inner core has felt better than it has been in ages. I was in a pretty good mood. She wasn't. Negative tone, just asking me when I was leaving to go stay with my sister. Doesn't want to be here when I am here. I have been very pressing before trying to get answers and solutions. Certainly may have overwhelmed her. Trying to move too fast. Lots of problems here. I am not 100% sure she has had an affair but my intuition is telling me she is. I've made a bunch of changes which she is aware of in order to improve things. The only sign she has shown is attending the MC sessions which are now on hold. I couldn't even get her to say she cares. Absolutely no other sign. Unwilling to talk, outbursts, insults, procrastination, you name it, total doom and gloom sky is falling attitude. I don't know if any of this will pass after a temp separation. Would be really nice to know that an affair isn't a part of this because if that's true, I will not even try anymore, it's over. I do feel better about myself at least. There are some issues I would like her to bring up with her PC when she goes but I am not sure she will listen to me about what I think might help her. Constant lying to me and her family. No remorse for anything, never said she is sorry for anything in her life. Blames all her problems on everyone else but herself. Unwilling to share her thoughts and feelings. I will not tolerate those things any more. I've been thru enough. Why I still love someone like that has me really scratching my head. If I ask her to bring those issues up with her PC, she will just deny it all. How can I get that across to her without her thinking I am blaming everything on her? Thats what she always says. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 About 3/4 thru the book now and it is making complete sense. Spoke with my SO tonight by phone and told her what I have been reading plus posting about our issues on a forum full of other knowledgeable folks who have been thru similar issues. Told her my inner core has felt better than it has been in ages. I was in a pretty good mood. She wasn't. Negative tone, just asking me when I was leaving to go stay with my sister. Doesn't want to be here when I am here. I have been very pressing before trying to get answers and solutions. Certainly may have overwhelmed her. Trying to move too fast. Lots of problems here. I am not 100% sure she has had an affair but my intuition is telling me she is. I've made a bunch of changes which she is aware of in order to improve things. The only sign she has shown is attending the MC sessions which are now on hold. I couldn't even get her to say she cares. Absolutely no other sign. Unwilling to talk, outbursts, insults, procrastination, you name it, total doom and gloom sky is falling attitude. I don't know if any of this will pass after a temp separation. Would be really nice to know that an affair isn't a part of this because if that's true, I will not even try anymore, it's over. I do feel better about myself at least. There are some issues I would like her to bring up with her PC when she goes but I am not sure she will listen to me about what I think might help her. Constant lying to me and her family. No remorse for anything, never said she is sorry for anything in her life. Blames all her problems on everyone else but herself. Unwilling to share her thoughts and feelings. I will not tolerate those things any more. I've been thru enough. Why I still love someone like that has me really scratching my head. If I ask her to bring those issues up with her PC, she will just deny it all. How can I get that across to her without her thinking I am blaming everything on her? Thats what she always says. You might not want to suggest she read things... it tells her you think there is something wrong with her... and can be seen as controlling... Another thing you might not want to do... is mention how you are all good again.. and a much better person from reading one book... Its not very convincing... Actions speak louder than words... show her you are changing.... by your attitude.... the way you act around her.. they way you treat her.. Read Divorce Busting... it is probably the best book for the basics for not totally blowing any chances you have left...... I have read the Alpha Male book... got the cd's too.... it is great stuff.... but it is only a small piece of the puzzle..... Another thing.... this could take allot longer than you think.... There is not quick fix to this.... it took time for your relationship to fall apart.... it will take time to to put it back together... if you get the chance..... This takes allot of hard work... allot of pain.... and yes tears.... but if she is worth it too you... you will do what you have to.... to get this.. done.... and if it is not to be... you will be one hell of a better person... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I didn't mean to imply I was all better, far from it. Just feeling much better than I was late last week. I was able to focus enough to read the book which is a big improvement over how I've been lately. Unable to concentrate mostly for 2 months. My SO doesn't show how upset she is on the outside, she is pretty good at hiding it but I know she is hurting just as bad. She can put on a face with other people as if nothing is out of the ordinary. I can't do that at all. It feels as if I am the only one trying, not sure how much longer I can do it alone. I'm slipping. I am not interested in even going back to what we had before which was more like roommates than an actual couple. I've tried to express my vision as to what I'd like to see both short term and long term. I get no feedback and if I ask her what her expectations are she just says she doesn't know. I'll pick up Divorce Busting tomorrow if I can find it at any of the local book stores. Hopefully Chapters has it. Its the biggest one nearby. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 You might not want to suggest she read things... it tells her you think there is something wrong with her... and can be seen as controlling... Another thing you might not want to do... is mention how you are all good again.. and a much better person from reading one book... Its not very convincing... Actions speak louder than words... show her you are changing.... by your attitude.... the way you act around her.. they way you treat her.. Read Divorce Busting... it is probably the best book for the basics for not totally blowing any chances you have left...... I have read the Alpha Male book... got the cd's too.... it is great stuff.... but it is only a small piece of the puzzle..... Another thing.... this could take allot longer than you think.... There is not quick fix to this.... it took time for your relationship to fall apart.... it will take time to to put it back together... if you get the chance..... This takes allot of hard work... allot of pain.... and yes tears.... but if she is worth it too you... you will do what you have to.... to get this.. done.... and if it is not to be... you will be one hell of a better person... ilmw ilmw's got it right. "Secrets of the Alpha Male" is only part of the whole. Lady Jane's recommendations are part of it, as is Rooster's "Women's Infiedelity" e-book. Regardless, wheather you get back with her, you don't need to get with anyone until you've got yourself educated insided and out, topside to the bottom. Carlos is a good start. But, its a "foundation" upon which to buld upon. After you've read it, read it again 5X's. Once you've got that down pat, then you need to move on to "Divorcebusting" and Lady's Jane's "Five Languages of Love" etc. Even after that, you need to take your azz to the bookstore and read a minimum of one book about inter-personal relationships a year (I would suggest more ~ but at least one per year) Because of what you're going through ~ another e-book that will clue you in is ~ http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home Knowledge is KING! Orginally posted by Rooster Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I didn't mean to imply I was all better, far from it. Just feeling much better than I was late last week. I was able to focus enough to read the book which is a big improvement over how I've been lately. Unable to concentrate mostly for 2 months. My SO doesn't show how upset she is on the outside, she is pretty good at hiding it but I know she is hurting just as bad. She can put on a face with other people as if nothing is out of the ordinary. I can't do that at all. It feels as if I am the only one trying, not sure how much longer I can do it alone. I'm slipping. I am not interested in even going back to what we had before which was more like roommates than an actual couple. I've tried to express my vision as to what I'd like to see both short term and long term. I get no feedback and if I ask her what her expectations are she just says she doesn't know. I'll pick up Divorce Busting tomorrow if I can find it at any of the local book stores. Hopefully Chapters has it. Its the biggest one nearby. Its all relative. ilmw has a son, and a step-son he's got an hugh emotioal investement in, with his ES (Enstranged Spouse). If you don't have any childen, I would say cut your losses and move on ~ educate yourself ~ but move on. The time, effort, energy, money you would invest in getting this one back ~ would ~ could net you ten other women who actually appreciate what you've got to offer! A good percentage of the reason that this relationship didn't ~ isn't working out is simply because you were so young when you initally got together?! You lacked the experience, the skills, ~ the skill set to make it work?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I was 25 when we met, she was 22. Rebound relationship shortly after a failed marriage on my part. My x-wife was physically violent so I got out of that one quickly. Appeared after she became a social worker dealing with abused childeren. Came home from work and took it out on me. 2 long term relationships back to back since I was 18. Not sure if I could say experience or a skill set was missing. She has always had a problem expressing what she was feeling. Hid a lot of stuff. Early on it seemed she was insecure. Always seemed to be worried that I was going to leave her which is not anything I ever said I would do or imply. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 The martial success rate for men, 25 years or younger is only 10%! (Source= Nexus ~ a very expensive, paid for site used by academians, lawyers,corporations, etc) Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Wow, I had no idea the stats for that age group was so grim. I can't sleep now and getting pretty emotional again. Even took a Ativan but it doesn't seem to be helpling. Trying to avoid that stuff, only took 3 in the last week. Dammit this sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
anna13 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 Its all relative. ilmw has a son, and a step-son he's got an hugh emotioal investement in, with his ES (Enstranged Spouse). If you don't have any childen, I would say cut your losses and move on ~ educate yourself ~ but move on. The time, effort, energy, money you would invest in getting this one back ~ would ~ could net you ten other women who actually appreciate what you've got to offer! A good percentage of the reason that this relationship didn't ~ isn't working out is simply because you were so young when you initally got together?! You lacked the experience, the skills, ~ the skill set to make it work?! Gunny always got good advice , I agree with that , Ahiwon ~ If you dont have kids and this lady is treating you like poop . . dont give her any more power , it seems you ask her to share her experiences with you and she says no ... that isnt right, trust me , I am seperated from My H , I have worked very hard in saving my marriage and there is no guarentee that it is saved , but when I read about women like this ,who really dont appreciate what they have and they dump on you ~ come on now. . you deserve better and like Gunny said there are lots of women available and lonely who want to find someone who is just their for them . not that I am saying you should go out and go find them right now , but just saying that look ~! you got options. I have also suffered from depression and panic attacks a few years back and I have fears that those feelings will return , especially my panic attacks i feel like they are right on the edge of reacuring ... long story ... anyway . . it is all about perspective, know who you are , what you want , take a step back and see the picture for what it is . i try to do that myself and I find that it helps. you sound like you want to believe that she is not having an affair , it is part of shock i am sure , if I found out my H had an affair or is having one It would be a severe shock . I think your wife is having and affair ( physical) with this other man . I hate it when you ask your spouce a question and they answer "I dont know " to me it is stalling or it is another way of saying " I dont feel like telling you anything right now , it is at my convenience " you seem to be trying to be calm and cool about the whole thing but you have the right to be angry . Gunny has good advice. definitly "man_up" show your wife that hey , enough is enough with this "poop" . you found the right place to come and vent , and sort out your feelings. It has helped me alot . and I know it will help you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Just had another brief tel conversation with her. She doesn't want to talk with me. Doesn't want to try another MC. She wants to talk to a lawyer. Tells me everyone is telling her to get away from me. I can only imagine what she has told people. I've discovered her distorting stories about us to other people. I was thinking she wanted to paint her self as a victim or looking for sympathy. Not sure what. The last MC session we had, I brought up 3 really bizzare things she blamed me for in the prev. week like misplacing an object that she was the only one that touched. Those three times she went into an outrage. Right in front of me and the MC she flat out lied and denied any of those things happened. There is absolutely no way I misunderstood what happened. It was clear as day. I guess she was trying to save face in front of the MC with no regard for me at all even tho I am the one that it should matter to the most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Think I've had enough. I am trying to deal with someone who is absolutely impossible. Not sure if I have the strength to deal with this now. Taking apart my entire life and no ES around here when I need it. Thinking maybe it would be easier if I went and spent a month with my sister and her family. Then return here and finish with all the details of separating. It hurts so much even tho I know I am dealing with a partner who is impossible, it doesn't make it any easier. Love sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 She is being immature and treating you like a teenager treats their parent. As long as you tolerate this, it will continue to get worse. Best thing to tell her is 'Fine, I am getting my lawyer and I refuse to be treated like this anymore. You have disrespected me and treated me like garbage for too long.' Then just ignore her. In any relationship right from the start you need to set boundaries that if they cross means it's a deal-breaker. There are somethings that you should never tolerate and total disrespect is one of them. This is nothing you did to cause her cheating, she did this due to her immaturity. She'll continue to blame it on you because that's what she knows. It's time to make yourself happy again with someone who will appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yes jmargel, thats pretty much it. I know I'll eventually be able to meet someone else who would be the woman of my dreams. I am worried about starting a family and that is something very important to me. I'm 38 now, I have to get over this first, then find someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with and have children. Many women in my age group already have children, I'd prefer my own. Time is ticking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I forgot to mention that years ago we did establish boundaries as to how we would deal with other men/women on our own. We agreed that I would not have any close relationships with females and she wouldn't with males. I never have, apparently she has many times but didn't tell me. Not sure if Ted is the first one she really crossed the line with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AHIWON Posted February 26, 2007 Author Share Posted February 26, 2007 I emailed my SO with some links to the marragebuilders web site. Told her I learned a lot there and to debunk what our crappy MC said about never getting love back. I asked her to please read the whole site if she can. I didn't want to point her towards this fourm cause she might get pretty upset if she finds this thread. Seeing other folks say it looks like she is having an affair would send her into a rage. Nothing I've written is false or skewed but she has big problems with any kind of criticism directed towards her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2007 Share Posted February 26, 2007 I emailed my SO with some links to the marragebuilders web site. This actually works against you~~ In her eyes, right now - Everything you do is wrong! Everything you don't do is wrong! Everything you say is wrong! Everything you don't say is wrong! The least little thing your say and do, or don't say and do ~ irratates her and pisses her off. This is because she's got her head up her azz, and lost in the fog of the affair. She's attracted to Ted now, she's infatuated with Ted now, she's obbessed with Ted now ~ not you! In so long as she has any contact with the OM (other man) you've got zero chance with this woman. The only chance you've have of even beginning to get this mule and wagon out of the ditct and back on the road is if she breaks all contact with him. And, from your posts, it sounds as though the affair is intenfying. She's playing you, testing the waters with Ted, to see how that's going to go down, and if that's going to gain fruitation and bloom ~ meanwhile she's got you on the stick as "back-up" boy! She's seriouisly dis-resepcting you, and your marriage. She has no respect for you at all. The only way she's going to respect you, and you're going to earn your respect back is if you "man-up" and demand that the affair end ~ or its over between you and her, follow through in word, deed, and action. If she resfuses ~ well the train's already on the track, anyway, and there's no stopping it. Link to post Share on other sites
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