Never knew I could experence so much stress

[AHIWON]

I didn't put it in a way that she would have made it look like I was pointing out her faults. I used it to cite a reason why that moron MC we had was wrong about never being able to get love back. I mentioned the rest of the site is loaded with good info too, I learned a lot from it.

 

I told her to come clean, if it's an affair then let me know, we are finished, I can take it, way better than being in limbo. All I can ever get back from that is "I'm not giving up my friends" Good chance she will never tell me as it seems to be a common theme for this kind of thing.

[AHIWON]

I kinda feel like spying on her but I never have. See what she is up to at lunch with Ted. Not sure what I would do if I saw something inappropriate, maybe I would hurt him and maybe not. Maybe something I would never do and shouldn't anyway. Would be nice to be a fly on the wall sometimes tho.

[AHIWON]

Thinking about maybe heading out to a pub or something for a few drinks. Not a noisy screaming bar full of hot chicks. Fed up with being here all alone. Maybe meet some new and interesting folks. AMP-it-up a little. Haven't gone out alone like that in ages.

[Trialbyfire]

Please remember that your SO and Ted are in the pre-testing potentially honeymoon phase of their relationship. You will never be able to combat fantasy. Let it go.

[AHIWON]

One thing about Ted which would not go over well with her is he has children from a previous relationship. She woudn't want that extra baggage. And even worse, her mother would flip. Her mother doesn't even know I am divorced or I smoke. Life of lies I tell you. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, don't like it then thats your problem. I hide nothing from my family. Some of my Alpha man that is still deeply rooted.

[Gunny376]

Let me get this straight? And, see if I can't wrap it around my head.

 

1. She's got this male friend name Ted

 

2. She goes out and doesn't come home, calling and telling you she's going to stay at a GF's place that you don't know, and have never meet.

 

3. She's perfectally willing to put her marriage with you at risk

 

4. She's prefectally willing to put her job and carrer that she invested years of time, effort, energy, and money in getting in the first place

 

5. She lies to her mother about you're having been divorced, and smoking?

 

6. She refused to go to MC?

 

What part of this train wreck of a marriage aren't you getting?

[Gunny376]

One thing about Ted which would not go over well with her is he has children from a previous relationship. She woudn't want that extra baggage. And even worse, her mother would flip. Her mother doesn't even know I am divorced or I smoke. Life of lies I tell you. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, don't like it then thats your problem. I hide nothing from my family. Some of my Alpha man that is still deeply rooted.

 

I bet Mom wouldn't be too awlful thrilled to hear that her daughter was an adulter either ~ uh? :mad: ! Just my guess, but you known them better than I do?

[AHIWON]

No she wouldn't!! My SO's signature on my divorce papers either. Maybe hand em over while having a smoke!

 

 

And a train wreck it is. Maybe 2 trains head on with a jumbo jet thrown in for good measure.

[Gunny376]

The problem here is ~ you've got this mind-set that its all or nothing. That's the wrong mind-set. You're problem here isn't her, its a lack of confidence that you can go out and find a woman that's just as good as her, ~ if not better, who has just as much to offer, ~ if not more.

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but there's no shortage of women?! WTF ~ OVER?! The planet is covered up with them. From the "jump~off" point, there's more women than there are men. I believe the number of live female births to male birth is at least a 51/49 % ratio. That's before you factor in drugs, alcohol, wife-beaters, prison, war, combat death, not to mention mental defects such as OCD, Bi-polar, and being sexual deviats, and death through stupidity!

 

So when it comes to women, there's not just a shortage of men, there's a shortage of good men.

 

You've much to learn "Grasshopper"

[AHIWON]

I'm hanging on just for the fact that when things are ok they are fine. We can't and never have been able to handle conflict right. It just keeps escalating. I want to learn and deal with the issues. She doesn't. She thinks she is fine.....no she thinks she is perfect and everything is all my fault. It's impossible to get that thru her head.

 

She is home now and grumpier than ol' hell. Keeps saying its over, not gonna do anything about it. I haven't said much to her. She just went to bed.

[jmargel]

I'm hanging on just for the fact that when things are ok they are fine

 

Things are NOT ok! They haven't been for a LONG time.

 

It's time to kick her out. You need to use tough love. You'll go crazy thinking things will change while you continue to do the same thing over & over.

 

It just seems like you are not getting it. In order for things to work out you really need to kick her out for now.

[debilou]

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. This is tough. You've come to a good place for some for good advice........so now take the good advice.

 

IMO............YOU are dependent on a dysfunctional relationship. I was too. DO NOT offer her advice on any web sites. Believe what people here are telling you......they/we have been there. Your SO has been taken over by an alien.

 

You have got to work on YOU not her. Take care of yourself.

 

As far as your own children go.....men can father children alot later in life than women can.

 

I understand your urgency in this, I was just like you. Shell shocked, sick, lost 25 pounds. Life goes on. A more peaceful, fulfilling life. A life that makes sense. You are not losing anything, you will gain. But you have to find the center of yourself first..........start to appreciate and respect the person you are. Would you be happy if your sister allowed a man to treat her the way your SO is treating you ????? I know you wouldn't. Stop allowing her to walk on you. You deserve better!

 

I get angry when I read the way she treats you. Give me a break.....she sucks!

 

I apologize if I got a little nutty but see what's in front of you. Hind sight is 20/20 so try to minimize your future regret!

 

Man up, as Gunny says! The time has come.

 

Take care and keep posting, Debilou

[Mz. Pixie]

She's having an affair- all cheaters say the same thing.

 

As far as your depression- A- you've been unable to work due to the depression??

 

Are you getting out and getting a job now??? Some women place Financial Security at the top of their emotional needs list. If you weren't making a living and she had to make one for the family- perhaps she got a little tired and irritated at that? Not making an excuse for her, just stating what might be the problem. She lost respect for you because you weren't earning a living??

 

Gunny is right. You need to man up and give her some tough love. Tell her she cannot live in the house with you and carry on a "friendship" with this guy!

 

My husbands ex wife did exactly to him what this woman is doing to you! Spending the night at friends, etc- he was being too controlling. Well guess what? She left him and was pregnant by the OM before their divorce was final!

 

Tell her she can give up "TEd" and get her head back into this marriage or she can start packing. Give her two hours to make up her mind and then DO IT. Don't just threaten it. If she won't give him up- start packing her bags for her.

[Guest]

Folks

 

If you read the beginning of the thread the poster states he's not married and no kids. Time to move out.

[AHIWON]

You are all right. I have to get out of this. I'm in some state of denial about how this can get better. There is no point. Cut my losses an move on.

 

I haven't been working in my field for the last 5 years due depression. I have been doing odd jobs as I could over that period. Nowhere near enough to make a significant contribution to our finances That is another thing that really broke me down. All the effort I put into getting an education and career and I have to literally rebuild it from scratch. I am trying right now. I am actively seeking employment in my field.

 

I can't exactly toss her out. We both own the house. But I can and will leave. I've come to the realization that I and I alone can be the only one who can make myself happy. Will it be easy? NO. But I will conquer it and I will be a better person than I ever was as a result.

[Mz. Pixie]

I can't exactly toss her out. We both own the house. But I can and will leave. I've come to the realization that I and I alone can be the only one who can make myself happy. Will it be easy? NO. But I will conquer it and I will be a better person than I ever was as a result.

 

I wouldn't leave my home- that could be grounds for abandonment. She is the one who needs to leave.

[AHIWON]

The problem with hanging around my house is I have no ES from an actual in person human. This fourm is great and I really appreciate all the advice I have received. It really means a lot to me.

 

If I go a few thousand miles west and spend time with my sister and her family, I'll have some ES. My sister has been thru this her self, her husband was unfaithful and they had 3 children. She is remarried now and happy. There I can experience how a normal family functions. Something I haven't seen in a long time. Take some time to reflect, rediscover and improve myself.

 

My SO can be unpredictable too which is another concern. A few years ago I accidentally upset a gallon of paint on carpeted stairs. I asked her if she could help me clean it up so it doesn't set into the carpet. 2 people are better than 1 in that predicament I thought. I wasn't upset or anything, things like that happen sometimes so just deal with it. Her reaction scared the hell out of me. She went into a rage over it. Then ran to the front door and opened it wide. Then ran back and stood beside me screaming "help help" over and over. I was like a deer in the headlights. Didn't know what to make of that reaction. I've never been violent in any way towards her ever. No threats, nothing.

 

I'm kind of worried that could happen again. Could end up with charges against me that are completely fabricated. I have to get out of here. Telling her she has to leave would be impossible, she thinks she owns everything. There is no convincing her otherwise. I am pretty good at holding my own ground with pretty much anything but this is like trying to reason with a crazed lunatic.

 

I'll come back in a month or so and get rid of all my stuff. Let the lawyers deal with the stuff we own together. I'm not even going to attempt to negotiate with her myself. It's impossible.

 

Good luck Ted, you're gonna need it!

[AHIWON]

I will pass my plan by my lawyer to see what he thinks of it. He has been a personal friend for the last 15 years or so. Make sure I am not setting myself up for more problems. Right now I just want to run away from this crazy house.

[AHIWON]

Wow, just got an email on a possible career opportunity. First bite I've received. I'm not sure what to do. I'm such a mess right now I don't know if I could actually function. Plus I want to restart my life somewhere else, preferably near family. This dysfunctional relationship is the only thing that kept me here. There is nothing left here for me, lost most of my friends due to what I mentioned earlier in this threat.

 

I don't have a lot of cash. About 6K. What ever I get from the house and it's contents will likely be months away.

[AHIWON]

I know know what I need to do for myself. Put my Resume in the place I wanna go. I got family in Calgary and Edmonton. All over the continent actually. Just my sisters: My oldest sister is a VP at a top US financial institution on the west coast of the continent. 2 other sisters are dental techs. Another is a head nurse in a top Canadian hospital in ER. I'm gonna go spend some time with her. Good change from my home. I got a lot of climbing to do from here. I'm gonna be pretty much starting my life over from scratch. I won't dump that on her. Alpha man quickly recovers and gets out on his own. Never puts a burden on any of his sisters, brothers or the rest of his family.

 

I've been reading Divorce Busting and so much of it relates to what is going on in our screwed up relationship. One of the things I found kinda weird was the gender rolls were opposite for some explanations. Dysfunctional would be an understatement.

[AHIWON]

I haven't responded to the job offer thinking i won't be living here soon. Perhaps I should go thru the exercise just for the experience... Alpha man would do that. Jeez, I've gone thru 3 on 1 interviews in the past and I was the 1. Hired right away. Alpha man kept his cool under constant grilling then. I need stuff like that back in my life. I haven't forgotten who I was, watch me get that back and more.

[Gunny376]

A man with a plan ~ always can!

[AHIWON]

Hopefully the plan goes smooth. Alpha man doesn't care if it gets screwed up, he goes with the flow and devises a new method along the way. Always keeping his cool. Always thinking ahead.

[RichC]

Gunny is right. A good plan executed violently is better than the perfect plan 5 minutes late. Stay flexible. The military saying is semper gumby "always flexible". I'm glad to see you are doing alot of posting. Keep that connection to the group through your travails. You will need the support. Gunny - I am a CPO in the USNR.

[Gunny376]

Hopefully the plan goes smooth. Alpha man doesn't care if it gets screwed up, he goes with the flow and devises a new method along the way. Always keeping his cool. Always thinking ahead.

 

That's right ~ its like playling chess, you've got to be six, seven, eight moves ahead.

 

Its being cool, calm, and collected. Its having your head and azz wired together.

 

Its about having your inner and outer game worked out. You're sharp, you've got it together because you've worked through it before hand, rehearsed it over and over, and over again.

 

Its knowing how to adapt, improvise, and overcome ~ but its also knowing when to pull back and re-group.

 

You've been through a lot, you're going through a lot. Its time to pull back and re-group, a little R&R, time to dis-place yourself from your current situation.

 

Its time to "catch the bus to Mexico" ~ Give your family a call.